You like this? Too bad

So here I am on New Year's eve. With no company but that of my cats. (seems like that's all I've got these days). Everyone I know is doing something to celebrate this evening... and I'm here. Alone.
Oh, and I smell of smoke from being with Michael for a mere six hours. Joy.

I've come to the conclusion that this stupid blog was nothing but that... stupid. Who reads it? Who even gives a fuck what I have to say? Honestly now... I cannot name five people who read this piece of shit that I have spent so much time on over the past nearly seven months.

It could be because I'm feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Or maybe this has just been a mistake all along. So until further notice, I don't think I'm going to be posting anything.

Persuade me, if you'd like... it'd be nice to know that people actually look at this. My heart and soul is here on these pages floating around in the Internet, which I believe is a real place. Prove me wrong if you want me to keep writing. Tell me you want to hear more. If not, well, then it's bye-bye to ms. shesintheoubliette.blogspot.com

Endlessly,
Erro

Update 12:00 am January 1, 2007: Happy Fucking New Year.

S iiiiiiii C k

I have acquired some sort of awful illness that refuses to be diagnosed as ANYTHING.
Had a strep test that turned out negative this morning. Oh, what horrid things those are...
So, my lymph nodes in the front of my neck are swollen so incredibly much that the doctor I saw kept feeling them as to reassure her that yes, they ARE really that size. My throat is so sore that it's difficult to eat or drink anything so I've been utterly starving all day long and I can feel myself becoming dehydrated. I have a low but steady fever of right around 99-100 degrees but thankfully I haven't any chills yet. Since I napped earlier, I've been in a sort of fog and I'm contemplating on whether or not I should go back to bed or not. I'm leaning more towards yes but I don't want to waste the last days of my Christmas Break sleeping when I could be surfing aimlessly on my lovely computer.
I'm also kind of/sort of waiting to see if Heather's going to log on today or not. I miss that kid, as always.

Not a whole lot more to say. I hope you enjoy the new moving layout. I love my shrimps. (:

Erro.

BEHOLD!

Any of my faithful readers have probably taken note of my recent absence from my pretty little blog. Trust me, this was NOT voluntary. My internet refused to connect for who knows how long. I've gone through crazy internet withdrawal; almost as bad as my Heather withdrawals. Scary, huh?
I've been compiling a list of topics I had wanted to cover on my blog while it wasn't up. So therefore you get to read all of them, jammed together into one big entry. But don't worry, I'm going to bullet them, so you can skim and pick out what you'd like to read. Aren't I kind? Christmas spirit, I guess. (*laughs* yeah, Christmas spirit. As you'll read, I hate the holiday)
Well then, it goes without saying that this will be a feature-length blog entry. So without further ado: we begin.

Santa's Dead!:
If you celebrate Christmas, you should be aware of the association with Santa Clause and Saint Nicolas. They are basically the same person, correct? Well, kiddies, Santa's dead. And I'm going to tell you the GRUESOME details of his death. Sounds like a good time, right? Gather round.
He died December 6, AD 343. So Santa's been gone for a while.Oh, and he died in PRISON. Nice, huh? Yeah, Santa's dead. You get your gifts from mom and dad, if you get any at all.
Merry Fucking Christmas.

My Brother's Family Christmas Letter:
Well, no, it wont be something silly and juvenile. My brother's twenty years older than I am and really DOES have a family of his own. His wife writes an annual Christmas letter. This year's was undoubtedly the cheesiest. I am beginning to not like his wife very much. She's a goody-goody crazy mom who thinks her kid that is THREE YEARS OLD should be able to get up in the night and get himself a drink of water without waking up mommy or daddy; JUST because mommy doesn't want to wake up in the night. Nice huh? This happened at our house and the poor kid used a cup from the bathroom that my sister had, for SOME reason, put soap in. Sending him into wailing tears at two in the morning. I just wanted to take her shoulders and shake her while screaming "For Christ's sake, Woman! You're a fucking mother, do your God damned job!". Well, they lost a baby this year, moved for the third time, and managed to book their nine year old daughter's time with so much stuff I'm surprised she has time to take a shit. And I'm not even exaggerating for effect. I'm dead serious. I've managed to rant about his wife, but never really explained how the letter was so terrible.
While reading it, I was slowly being pulled into a sugar-coated coma. It was dripping (almost literally) with that fake gooiness of those people who think they are better than you so they have to over-try to be nice, putting on an air that is so plastic it's all you can do but to keep yourself from throwing up all over their brand-new designer name brand shoes. Eck.

Gay Marriage:
You lucked out on me not having internet when I put this heading on my list because I was full of rage at some of the arguments against it I heard. So, I'll watch that little program that brought it on later and let you sink your teeth into my words then. Deal?

Internet- Lack thereof:
As I mentioned before, I had an internet meltdown for I don't know how long. It's been terrible. Withdrawal and lack of anything to do. And right at the peak babysitting season. I was at home with my sisters for FOUR DAYS with mom and dad away shopping. This is the time when I do all of my serious web surfing. And it was just my luck that it would burn out THEN. *sigh* I think you get the point. I'm an addict. Take crack away from a crack whore, and she'll pretty well die.

I Hate Christmas:
That's right. Bah Humbug. I guess, it's not really WHY we celebrate the holiday. I WANT to celebrate Jesus's birthday. Buuuut all the CRAP that goes along with it that has been piled onto it over the years. For instance: spending all that time with the family, those decorations, and what does the tree have to do with the REAL Christmas? NOT A DAMN THING. Oh, and I AM somewhat materialistic, so I enjoy the shit load of stuff I get.
Though, in recent years, I am becoming very bitter around this time of year. Simply because what they are telling me is this is the 'most wonderful time of the year' and you're to spend it with loved ones. Can I? NO. That makes it what? NOT WONDERFUL. Christmas songs and Santa. More on THAT pervert later. Plus, it's lost the tingly good feeling that it used to hold when I was a kid. Perhaps it's because I didn't care about my play mates at school and looked forward to just the... well, the tingly good feeling. Now, I want to spend it with those I love most, who, are so very conveniently located over a hundred miles away. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Elf:
But, though I hate Christmas; for the last day of school before break, I make it my duty to dress up very festive-like. Example: Red and green bell earrings paired with an A Christmas Story tee and jeans all topped off with an apron adorned with bells that do actually jingle all the way. I was a walking jangle machine. I take every possible chance to dress up like a complete idiot and I take pride in it. Call me crazy, but hey, this is what I do. Did you hear sleigh bells a week early? Don't worry, Santa wasn't getting a head start, chances are it was me. Yes, even if you ARE in China.

What I Want For Christmas:
Well, this heading really has gone to shit, now that Christmas has passed and I actually GOT a majority of what I wanted; save my spending the holiday break, in entirety, with Heather. I never did have much hope for that one. So, we'll move on. It's not worth the rant I had going a week ago.

That Last AA Class Before Break-
AA is Advanced Algebra or Algebra Two for those of you who were thinking I was an alcoholic. Sorry, I'm not. Picture- We're sitting, very tired and very ready for break and it's a mere sixty degrees so we're all on the verge of hypothermia. We're checking our assignments and then all of a sudden CRASH! A blond haired girl in the back row had jumped back because she saw a box elder bug and hit the table behind her, knocking not one, not two but THREE chairs onto the ground in the most spectacular domino effect I've witnessed. We spent the next five minutes in fits of laughter.
Then, while Mrs. H was working out a problem on the overhead, she kept referring to the roast beef of the word problem as Roast Beast. Not even kidding.

The Angel:
I checked out a book from the library to read over Christmas break. I chose What Happened to Lani Garver because Heather had made reference to it in my recent adventure. On the first night of break, I finished the book. I was up very late because I'm not a fast reader. I fell into unconsciousness and dreamed of things that were indeed inspired from the book. This dream was one of those that you cannot get out of your head. I love dreams like that.
The dream went something like this-
I was staying in a house with a kid from school. It was a very large house with a hallway with around ten rooms off of it. I was just wandering around not doing anything and I happened upon a room. I walked in and there was a tall person with blonde hair with blue highlights in it. I say person because it was not clear by looking at it what gender it was. This made sence because it was an angel. It had huge white wings. He, as I will refer to him because I can, was wearing a red and blue outfit that matched his hair. Then the kid I was staying with came in a killed the angel. I dont know how he did it, but he did and the angel began bleeding from his wings. Light blue blood that looked like paint began to trickle from his wings, landing on the floor and staining the carpet like paint. He never fell to to the ground, but rather leaned up against the door. I was horrified that the kid could do anything like that. And for some reason I was terrified, yet completely mezmorized, of this angel. The kid opened the door that the angel was leaning against and I had to walk under the angel. I did this very quickly because it was scary, of course. Later in the dream, I passed by the room that I had been avoiding and I looked in to find that the angel was gone and only the blue stains were left. I was filled with a feeling of dread and relief and hurried on down the hall. I woke up shortly after, very disturbed by the dream.
He was only a dream, but I find myself missing this angel. Very weird.

Mars Theory:
There's been lots of talk about how we are finding water on Mars making us believe that there may be or may have been life on Mars. I have been thinking a lot about it without my actual knowing that I'm thinking about it. But I have come up with a theory.
There has been life on Mars. From the beginning of time, we have been playing a sort of tag with it. First, one planet evolves and has life for billions of years. Then some huge catastrophe happens and the entire planet is wiped out. Leaving behind only traces that there was once life there. While this is happening, the other planet is evolving, and creating life. The life on the alive planet analyzes the dead planet and finds out there was life on it once. Then the catastrophe happens to the alive planet and the dead planet begins to come alive again. Over and over again, the same thing every single time. That's my theory.

I will leave you with that. I have been contented now that we have internet working, though it isn't the DSL yet. That's coming Thursday. Just regular ol' dial up. But it's better than nothing. Until later, and now from my own computer (:

ERRO!

Lack Of Posts

Sorry about the recent lack of posts... my internet is being tempermental (well, actually it's completely dead. Doesnt work. At all.)

buuut you'll have a lengthy post as soon as my new DSL (excitement!!!) is installed!!

Erro.

Stark Contrasts.

I came across old emails between Michael and I just now. We were having an argument about him coming over. I was feeling very insecure and annoyed at his behavior because he has this habit of not calling when he's not coming over.
I read the emails, the ones he wrote and the ones I wrote in response. Honestly, I sound like a little girl who's too in love with someone who's not in love enough. I believe that's what it all was with him. I was too into him. And he was too into himself. I didn't get the attention I needed. It was always him. I see this now.
He stopped by the other night, Thursday actually. He said something about how it sucked that both of us are homosexuals because if we weren't, he could see himself spending forever with me.
He's told me that before, so long ago when I was so in love with him. I believe it, and I thought I could as well. But now, I'm thinking back on all those times I cried, alone, because of something he did. Or, mostly, didn't do. I see now, that it could have never been, even if I had wanted it.
Somehow, he's lost his splendor he once held. Just lately, he's not a very good person. Not the person I always thought he was. It isn't surprising, either.

I don't know why I'm writing about Michael. I just wanted to write.
Even before we were together, there was always so much let down with him. Over and over I'd cry. And yet, I was still stupid enough to believe that he'd change. He never did.

The differences between my relationship with Michael and my relationship with Heather is staggering. This could be due to the change that happens with time, aging, and maturing. It could be because of their differing genders. It could be the different circumstances of the relationships. But there's no doubt that with Heather, I'm happier. I feel so much more loved
than I ever did with Michael.

Today has been a blur of absolutely nothing. Just sitting here, iTunes playing songs that I don't listen to, surfing aimlessly throughout the internet trying to find something worth while to write. I uploaded pictures from yesterday and wrote a lengthy email. I fixed a friendship and made a new one. I've accomplished very little sitting here, freezing in this chair. But I know what I'm doing, trying not to admit that it is what I'm doing. I did this five months ago. An entire week of not leaving this chair. You all who were here while this was going on know what I'm talking about. My waiting for her to get on, to respond, anything because I needed to see how she felt. I needed to see if I was just being foolish.
Five months... wow. So much has happened. So much time has passed that I have very little memory of except for those phone calls and emails. This is love, huh? It isn't like any other love I've ever felt. Almost like comparing the the taste of dirt to gourmet chocolate. I remember falling, flying, soaring, floating all without wings. She taught me how to fly.
Late night phone calls and sleep deprivation. Waking up too early and day long internet conversations. Butterflies triggered from words on a screen. Everything was all so brilliant. All of it never dying. After five months she does it all to me still but to a degree that I didn't think was possible. Everything has changed and stayed the same. Everything is wonderful and terrible. I'm lucid and unconscious.
I think about that week. I had so many questions about the future; our future. But never once did I ever think it would be like this. I never thought my heart would belong so completely to another being, let alone the girl I had only known for two days. But it all happened and it's been miraculous. All the heartache and excitement. All those sleepless nights and exhausted weeks. The times when I didn't have to think about anything and the obstacle of distance. Being miserable and euphoric. All of this I could never give up, will never forget, and am so thankful for.
She's my angel. My everything.

Erro. <3

I dont need a fucking title.

Let's say, for instance, there's a kid. She's a good kid, but she's absolutely miserable. Why? Because for some reason, she isn't allowed to see someone. This someone happens to be the greatest someone that there could ever be.
Well, this kid found a way to see this someone. But she never thought about what it would be like when that seeing was over. She just focused on the fact that finally she was going to see that someone. Well, the day passed, and that precious time had to end. Her heart broke a million times over as she watched her someone hurting because she had to leave.
Back at home, this kid wonders how she'll go back to being miserable. How she could possibly bear it.
This kid couldn't understand how you can be so miserable for so long- then get a few short hours of absolute bliss with the only thing that could conjure up those emotions- only to have it taken away and forced to go back to the shittiness of before.
So it goes without saying that this kid isn't happy. She's in a very terrible mood and can feel herself not being able to pull off her pretend happiness tomorrow at school. It goes without saying that this kid is scared to death of what comes next- how much bigger will the hole get. How much pain can she take this time. Scared to death of another long absence. Not knowing when she'll see that someone's glorious beyond words self. It goes without saying that her heart is breaking, over and over again. And that she blames it all on those who wont let her be happy. Turning, so slowly, her love for them into a dislike that could never be brought back full circle.
And it goes without saying that yesterday was the best in her life. Well, except for that weekend back in July.

Leave a message. Be nice about it. I'm tired of having to miss her.

erro.

December Ninth Two Thousand and Six

A bitter sweet kind of day. But the best day I've had in a very long time.

I love you, Heather. More than anything.

ok bad news

OK...This is how it all started.

Yesterday, one of ex-girlfriends (Becky) friend (Stephanie) andI were talking through myspace, and she was like ya becky was grabbing my ass and saying we wanted to have sex with me, and a whole lot of other bunk. I was all depressed and everything for no reason because i found out that she was not grabbing her ass, she was grabbing her waist "because she thought she had gotten skinner" and whatever. I dont even care about that anymore. But then later on today, during lunch she gave me a note.
This is what the note says word for word.
"I think we are the same as we were friends, ok. I cant do it anymore! Sorry. you promised we could still be friends so you have to keep that up1 this is happening because i feel bad because the way i act around you and i need to be myself and i cant because im a mean person and you look at me and make me feel really mean! and because im tired of being someone im not? ohhi told stephanie she can have you, but not all of you! please write back?
Problems wrong with this letter
1. she broke up with me in a note
2. i dont even like stephanie all that much

I dont understand why she changed around me when we started going out in the first place. Shes really not a mean person. And i dont think that she changed all that much. I hate it that she broke up with me. Im totally crushed. I was MAD IN LOVE WITH HER.

So i just wanted to write that down because hopefully it would help me, but it hasnt worked so far.
~Ashley

Love is like Poptarts. CrAzY gOoD!

The title says it all.

Not a whole lot to write about. I was in a remote part of the country all weekend... Since Thursday night, actually. I'm glad to be home.

I'm getting nervous. But that's oh kay.

I'm a Survivor *insert song by Destiny's Child

ha ha, laytah!

ERRO!

Something I Just Wrote

The truth to me
mostly lied
all my life, yeah
mostly lied

So I find myself in
a sort of crazy
Romancing of a
just what you'd think
A liar

But baby
No one lies like I do
Cross my heart
I'll make you cry
Yeah baby
No one lies like me

The truth to me
mostly died
that night when I
saw through
break the tinted
bloodstained
glass

All the while to
find I don't bleed
at all
Yeah, baby
Not at all

The truth to me
mostly lied
All my life, yeah
mostly lied

Standing blindfolded
I didn't see the world
Forced upon me
What a lie.

But baby,
No on lies like I do
And no one lies like you
Come lie with me
Together
We'll lie some more
Forever

But baby
No one lies like I do
But don't believe I'm lying
when I say
I love you.
'Cause baby
No one's showed me truth
Like you.


©Moi. Don't steal it. Or I may have to bring out the big guns.

Awake this morning at a dreadful five a.m.

Turned the t.v. on at six to find that we had a TWO HOUR DELAY. No joke. It wasn't funny.
But I've had how many lovely hours on my computer, so we're camping happily.

then again, how couldn't I?
[smile]


ErrO!

[smile]

I'm happy. Enough said.

Erro!

random stuff

ok first off...I officially hate crackers. I have been eating them for like the last hour or so and my mouth is so dry lol.

ohh this is funny...being the asshole i am, i decided it would be funny to be heather (Erros Girlfriend) for about 20 minutes. It was so funny, for me anyways. Erro said it was annoying which made me laugh becuase again i am an asshole!!!!

Umm today i had to deliver telephono books for like 5 hours. BORING, PAINFUL, AND I SWEAR I ALMOST STARVED TO DEATH!!!! not really but i was really hungry. And i have to do it again tomorrow which sucks even more. I am so sore. I have bad knees and they started giving out on my fat ass and the damn books were so heavy.

well im done complaining and being stupid... BUH BYES HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY AND HAPPY LATE TURKEY DAY!!!
~Ashley!!!

A story started from a writing prompt

The Prompt- Start your story with this: "She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled."

So I shall.

She touched the little box in her pocket and smiled. Tonight was the big night. Seven years since they had met, and now, she was going to ask the love of her life to marry her. After years of following the gay marriage debate in the government, they finally made it legal. And now was the time when she could finally get married.
She remembered the excitement she felt that morning when she heard it announced on the news. She immediately ran to the drawer where she'd kept the ring for two years. Yes, tonight was the night. As she was walking toward the entry of the Reunion Tower where she was to meet her girlfriend, she reflected on what it took to get here.
She remembered when they had met, seven years previous tonight, in the capitol city of Iowa. She had been in a pageant and just happened upon a girl who was barely bigger than she was. She had red hair and was wearing an AFI tee. She found that her name was Heather. Those two days were the best she'd had up until that point. She kept going through the memories that were still so vivid in her mind. Those long months apart, all of the things they were forced to endure. Then, the day they were reunited. Just after Christmas, Heather had shown up at her house. She remembered the tears of pure bliss they both shed that day.
She remembered when she turned eighteen and against her parent's words bought an apartment with her. Since then, that's where they had been living for five years. They were glorious years.
She reached out for the handle and opened the door. Seeing Heather standing there, wearing a black dress. A welcome sight that wasn't present often. But there was no doubt that she looked absolutely breathtaking. Heather hadn't seen her yet, and she walked up behind her and wrapped her arms around her girl. Kissing her neck, she could help but smile. Butterflies filled her stomach just as they had every time she saw her. Crazy to think about it, after so long, she still did that.
They walked over to the table to let them know they were ready to go up. She had rented the entire tower, so it would be just the two of them. They boarded the little elevator and moved toward the back to watch the city of Dallas get smaller as they got higher. Both their ears popped as the elevator hit two hundred feet. But it didn't matter, they were so happy at that moment. They were together, and after so long of being apart in the past, that's all that mattered.
Finally reaching five hundred feet, they got off the elevator and walked through the doors to go out onto the observation deck. There was a slight breeze but not enough to be chilly on that very humid July night. She looked over to see Heather gazing in amazement at the lights spread out all around them. The breeze blew the few stray hairs that had fallen around her face.
"This is so beautiful," Heather said, still looking out towards the city.
"I agree," she replied, never moving her eyes from Heather's face.
She wrapped her arms, again, around Heather's tiny frame and rested her chin on her shoulder. Gently, she whispered three words into Heather's ear. Heather turned her face towards hers and she kissed her. She reached into her pocket, holding the little velvet lined box in her hand. Slowly, she turned Heather around to face her and kissed her again.
Then, just like she'd always dreamed, she got down on one knee, pulled Heather even closer to her and said, "You've been my angel. And you've always blown me away. Every time I see you, I fall in love all over again. I love you, Heather," and opened the box revealing a small silver band with three tiny diamonds in it. Words were exchanged, but not out loud. A simple shake of the head from Heather brought tears to her eyes. She stood up and placed the ring on Heather's finger and took her into her arms and kissed her like it was the first time.

Erro.

I was roused from the best slumber I've embarked in in the past two weeks by the ringing of my phone at two in the morning. Being woken up from extreme REM sleep, I was thoroughly confused at the noises my phone was making. I hit the button to turn off the alarm, which only silenced the ringing phone. It then registered in my groggy brain that my phone was ringing . I barely read the caller ID and verified that is was Michael. I then decided that there was no way in hell that I was going to talk right then and rolled over to go back to sleep. But then I changed my mind and answered it with an undistinguished grunt as a salutation.
An hour and a half later after conversing about what's been up and taking a trip down a rather emotional memory lane, I finally rolled over to sleep. But I was unable to because my bladder has extremely bad timing. Reluctantly, I got out of the warm sheets. Seconds later I returned to my wonderfully comfortable bed and fell back into a very deep sleep, not to wake until nearly ten thirty. That was by far the latest I've slept in about three months.
I stumbled downstairs and fed my internet addiction. Funny, how the first thing I do in the morning is get on the internet. Even before I relieve myself. I was greeted by the welcome sight of my girl, ONLINE.
Today has been a great day. And it will continue because this is the one day a year that there is SO much food, I could certainly eat myself to death. Which I may. So if I don't post anymore, you'll know why.

ERRO!

Almost Broken Noses.

But not plural. Just one. Mine. I thought it was broken for a second- and I'm not ruling it out now, most than an entire day after the fact as I sit and it's still in pain.
The story? Oh kay:
I was walking to chorus after lunch and something caught my eye, so I looked over and tried to see it. All the while, I was still walking, and not looking where I was going. Well, neither was Kyle. We collided. Face to chest because I'm short. My head flew back after impact, creating a somewhat awesome action scene in my mind's eye. Then the pain came. But I'm glad to report my nose didn't bleed at all. So I don't believe it's broken. But it could be.

Other news? Not really. Nothing is happening. Well, last weekend I did go shopping. And Becky came over. But there's not a whole lot to put in here, for all the world to read. Nothing bad happened. I wouldn't do that to Heather.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: She's a great kid. And I miss her. And you know that. But I don't care.

This is a pointless entry. I'll find something more worth your reading time to write about later.

Erro.

could this be one of your friends talking about you if so stop for them....

How come when you do something morally wrong you think its right and nothing can be wrong by it...but when one of your close friends or somebody else does it you think of it being totally wrong and everything.

I have turned into something I never wanted to be...I hated the damned word as soon as i heard and knew what it meant.... A FUCKING HIPOCRIT.

How come when you think your friends are just so fucking peachy and perfect, thats when you find out the true stuff. You look at them and you think you know them but you dont know what they do without you. Once you find out this information, you could be crushed. This is the way it was with me. How come i was so oblivious to this important thing that is happening im my two really close friends lives. Why do they think that they have to do this to themselves. I have done it and I honestly like it but i have quit. I never realized until now how people really felt about it....now i kow and now im crushed...crushed into little pieces that could be threaded through an eye of a needle. Crushed into so many peices that they will never be put back together. Its so hard to believe that they are doing this. Their lives seems so perfect. HOW CAN THEY BE SUCH GREAT ACTRESSES?

love you both so much and you will never truly know how it feels until one of your best friends in the entire universe, does it and won't stop and you feel like there is nothing you can do.
Am I wrong for knowing this kind of information and not sending them to get help? I dont do it because i would never want somebody to do that for me. I also dont want to see them leave, they have so much to offer and they are loved by so many. Even if it helps them, i will just have to keep trying and see what i can do though it seems as if im getting no where?
Why does this have to happen to them? THIS IS FUCKED UP!!!
~Ashley~

I couldn't help it. It's all your fault.

In the spirit of all of my other posts- sticking to my normal writing material, this blog will be about

Any guesses? Anyone? Anyone at all?

What did I hear? Did I hear someone say 'Heather'? That's what I thought!

And, my dears, you are correct. So without further ado, we begin:

There's been lots of thought about the future lately. And I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but most of it involves her. I cant decide if I'm setting myself up for heartbreak if the day ever come that we do part, or I'm just being the smart little thing I am and including her in my plans to make sure she has room.
Along with future pondering, there has been lots of day dreaming. Scenarios about us meeting, us spending days together, nights together...
And also reflection, on our just over four months of history. It is such a little bit of time, but so memorable. This is a time I wont ever forget.

But now, I'm ceasing my talk, because I am despising repetition, and all of this I've said time and time again. I'll spare you, this time.

Things have fallen into a content routine. I'm not sad, nor am I happy. I'm a medium. And everything is a medium. Not good. But not bad. Which that, in itself, is good. So in a round about way, it is good, but not. Are you with me?
I am pondering what my upcoming year will be like once I've started working. But it's very hard to get a very accurate account of what might happen because I have absolutely no idea. If I had more information, I could make a fairly precise projection of what could and very well may happen. But I'm without vitals, so it's impossible.

I am going to rant a bit, so beware.

A point was brought up in Ashley's most recent entry. Something about America. But her statement about it seems to be a severe understatement about it.
Free? No, I think not. Sure, this country could never actually be completely free. Everyone would kill each other. Nothing would be safe. I am well aware that there needs to be some sort of order put in place. But when it infringes on rights we have as people, that do not harm anyone, this is where America has stepped over the line.
I am taught in my lovely learning establishment, that there is a separation of church and state. Meaning that no one religion can have say in the government. So, I ask, why then is it against the law for two people who are in love to get married? Why does the government discriminate against homosexuality? Sure, the Bible says it's wrong. But the Bible has no say over whether or not it is legal. I am right, aren't I?
I have one thing to say: Fuck you, America.

Oh kay, I'm done. I didn't out blog Ashley, but I don't have efficient time right now.
ERRO!

and my not so peachy day...

THE GOOD THINGS

*MY GIRLFRIENDS 17TH BIRTHDAY!!!*
*I got to talk to ERRO!!*

THE BAD THINGS

* my brother got laid off of work, which means a lot of money is gone, like 35o.oo a week
*moms being a bitch, figuratively not literally lol
*nobody seems to be hiring at this time, except for restuarants and I'm deathly afraid to work there.
*my phone has been disconnected
*my dish is getting disconnected
*i only got an hour of sleep

I got all of that information in about an hour worth of time. Everything just seems to be moving to fast. Everything seems to be falling so fast. I'm getting into reality and I really don't like it. I don't want to go out into the real world and have to worry about all this stuff. It seems to be to great and to much pressure, but then again I want...no...I HAVE...to get out of my house in order to keep my sanity a little bit above crazy. It seems like just yesterday...the only I thing I thought about was if what I am doing was going to make my parents get into an argument, or should I or should I not drink the pool water and eat yellow snow. LOL. Well, I never really thought about that because I knew I shouldn't do it, but you get the hint, don't you? Well, I will keep going because well I have nothing better to do except for sleep and I can't exactly sleep right now because I don't feel the need to.

Seems like just yesterday...when I was told not to worry about getting a job because I'm to young, and now I'm being pressured by myself and others to get a job because I feel like I should be supporting my family because my mom can't.

Seems like just yesterday...when my mom was picking out my clothes for me and making me look hidious, in a lime green shirt that had something red on it and some red shorts that were like skin tight. Stuff that they use to wear back when my mom was growing up.

Seems like just yesterday...when I wasn't told about our finanical situation but just told that I have no need to think about that because I was to young yet to understand what the hell they were talking about. It seems like when I want to help out, I ccouldn't because theres always something pulling me back. Why is that?

Seems like just yesterday...I wanted to go to school and now I hate school with everything I have to hate. To me school seems like a pointless waste of time. And yes I want to go to college but I don't want to learn about something that I really couldn't careless about

Seems like just yesterday...I wasn't worried about what people thought of me, what I acted like, what I looked like, and how my hair looked. This sucks for me even though I don't really care what people think about me but then again I do. I think everybody thinks, atleast sometimes, about what somebody else might think if they put their hair on a certain side, what color of shirt they wore, how big there boobs are, how small there penis is, what my nails look like, and how old my shoes are. Why do people judge people on they way they act, sexual preference, or what they look like. How come American people and America "Land of the Great" is so judgemental?

Seems like just yesterday...I was loving my life, I never wanted it to end. I was just happy and content with playing in the backyard, on the tire swing, in the park, or where ever my heart lead me ot be. Why do people get so negative as there life gets shorter? Is it because of all the pressure we have to deal with on a day-to-day basis? Or is it because everything just seems to be crashing down faster and faster each and everyday? Its like our life is getting shorter and we are getting more hateful. Shouldn't we try to have fun with everything we do, even if that means paying the bills, or going to Wal-Mart to get some food?

I think it is funny how "adults" seem to think that "teens" have nothing to worry about. Teens tend to think that everything is horrible, though. When one little thing comes crashing down, we feel dead, right? I know I do and that is almost one of my worst habits. Do we really have that much to worry about though? We wake up, go to school, go home, eat, shit, watch t.v. or get on the computer, and sleep. And some of us have jobs. We usually don't have to think what you are going to do once you get home. But we do have to worry about things, like how much homework we are going to have, what are we doing over the weekend, why all of a sudden your parentals are mad at you, if I take this drug what will it do to me, if I go over to this persons house will they make me smoke pot with them, why is your teacher being a bitch to you when you've done nothing but sit there and be quiet, and how come we are just learning about this stuff now. But if you think about what "adults" have to worry about:work, money, children, bills, friends, grades from children, is my child a pot head, does my child do drugs, is he or she having sex, why is he or she having a bad day, how much do I owe the school again, I'm not feeling well...how many days have I taken off of work, why is my child acting different all of a sudden, does my child smoke cigarettes, what is my child going to be doing over the weekend at the friends house, and if your parents are divorced why isn't the other parent paying the child support. That is 7 to 16 and yes I know that isn't all of the worries in the world but it is a majority. I know that teens think they have the same worries if not more because this all comes down on us at once. Its like a lightening bolt hitting a tree, you never know which tree it is going to strike until its already been hit and gone away. SO...I guess you could call it a hit-and-run accident.

*My worries*
school
friends
girlfriend
bills
siblings
homework
grades
poverty level I am in
getting fat
family relationships
why my mom was being a bitch
why my brother got laid off
how come I can't seem to get a job anywhere.
doing the newspapers
are we going to have enough gas for the weekend
why are we so poor and is there anything I can do to help
and last but not least how come I worry about so much stuff


Sorry I know this is long and I congrat you if you got this far. I just havent been in the peachest of moods today. And again I am horribly sorry for how long it was but I really needed to get somethings out and well lets just say that this has helped a lot and now I can FINALLY go to bed lol. Thanks, love you
~Ashley~

Febreez: Shower in a Can!

Title was an excerpt from my Michael visit on Sunday.

Bert McCracken. He's the cutest little thing I've ever seen. *
He's the lead singer in one of my favorite bands: The Used.
Why am I talking about Bert? I don't know. I believe it's because I admire his crazy goodness. Ha.

But now since we're on semi-emo music singer frenzy, we're going to move onto Gerard Way.
From My Chemical Romance: another favorite band, of course. If you don't know who these people are, you need to find out. Now.

Shall we mention another? The absolute best? Sure, let's go!
Davey Havok from AFI. He is the embodiment of perfection. The epitome of beautiful.

that is all.


*oh kay, maybe not THE cutest little thing... but he's like a crazy good singer. What that has to do with being cute, I couldn't tell you.

ERRO!

UMM stuff....

Ok....Umm lets see!!!

I went to see saw III last night and it was so great. Everybody should see it. Omg, Jigsaw dies but that is all i will tell you because i dont want to tell you everything.

I also made a new C.D. yesterday and it is the greatest. It has songs on it about alcohol, drugs, and just other misc. songs. Like calling you by Blue October, that is my song to my girlfriend. You should listen to it!!!

Erro told me to write about interesting stuff but i don't know anything thats interesting because what i think is interesting usually isnt interesting to other people.

And Erro is totally right about dorthy being a ditz. Did you know that a wicked witch commited suicide in the movie. When shes on top of the house, when they are going along the yellow brick road at the beginning and you can see her shadow of her falling. She actually hung herself. How retarded, she should have atleast waited until she was rich and famous from the movie, so she could give me the money she made since she didnt want it. Damn her. Ohh and also the tin man almost died also because he got over heated from the costume. Interesting stuff, huh??

~Ashley~

We're off to see the Wizard!

Dorthy was a ditz. Why else would she say such an inane line as "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore"? Well Dorthy, dear, first off- when you're no longer in black and white, of course you're not in Kansas. Because we all know that Kansas is in black and white. Another clue, from what I know, Kansas isn't populated solely by midgets in dress up.
"Ding dong the witch is dead!" I wasn't aware that 'ding dong' was a phrase of celebration. 'Ding dong' stands as the sound of a door bell to me.
And why are they so happy that the witch is dead? Are they honestly that sadistic? I mean, sure, she wasnt a very nice lady. But that's still no reason to celebrate her death. Plus, you have to give the witch props for those shoes. I absolutely adore them.
Blue flying monkies, a wizard running Oz, and a slue of characters missing vital body parts leads me to believe that L. Frank Baum was definitely on something while writing this. But then again, so many wonderful stories were written under the influence.

Over all, this movie has always freaked me out. And in all honesty, I have no idea why.

Let's Welcome

My new partner in crime, an additional- and equally crazy- author to this lovely blog: Ashley!

So from now on, you'll have twice the posts. Just make sure you look at the bottom of the posts to check who wrote it. To avoid confusion, of course. (:

Hope you enjoy this kid as much as I do!

Erro

The New Girl on Campus!!!

I'm Ashley!!!

I'm new to this

I was born on May 2, 1990.

I hate my name, I think it is over-used

I'm Erro's Bestest Friend in the Entire Universe ~joking~

Im definetly DIFFERENT.

I'm not the smartest thing in the world and not the dumbest.

I'm a lesbian and proud but nobody really knows...Dont ask lol.

My cat , Lucifer, just farted on me. Eww.

I have said I or I'm 14 times.

I absolutely hate talking about myself.

HAVE FUN WITH ME!!

~*~Ashley~*~

~Some pointless facts about me~

*I can be pretty random at times.

*I have a sister, Jessie, who is 15.

*I have a brother, Jr, who is 22 and lives with me. I don't ever want him to get married because then he will leave me and no I'm not incest.

*I have a brother, Jake, who is 6 years young and i love him, he is so cute. I never get to see him, he lives with his mother. :*(

*I love all my brothers and sisters with all my heart. One day im going to get a tattoo and have every single one of there names in a heart.

*My girlfiend's name is Becky and Im totally in love with her.

*Becky's birthday is on November 15.

*Erro is my best friend in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!

*I love cigarettes, i know Erro hates them with a passion but they keep me sane.

*I love skittles, cool ranch doritos, and welchs soda.

*I love erro. She is one of the greatest people you will ever have contact with.

*Summer is my favorite time of the year.

*Saturday is my favorite day of the week.

*I hate school. I am a junior, almost out!!

*Im 5 feet short and 4 inches tall.

*Im not skinny at all.

*I love to have fun, and try to whenever i can.

*Right now im eating pizza and drinking A&W root beer.

*Im not a healthy person, if you cant tell.

*My favorite sport is softball.

*My moods change very often.

*Right now my pinky is numb and I dont like it.

*My favorite word is Retardation.

*My favorite quote that i made is...you may only label me as a person for thats all i am to you.

*My favorite quote that i didnt make is...never regret anything because at one time that is what you really wanted to do.

*Right now im really really really bored.

The End!!

Another Round at Personality testing

Taken from The Color Quiz site mentioned in an earlier blog entry. Just took it minutes ago.

Your Existing Situation:
Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.
Your Stress Sources:
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads her to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises.
Your Restrained Characteristics:
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.
Your Desired Objective:
Unwilling to participate and wishes to avoid all forms of stimulation. Has had to put up with too much of a tiring or exhausting nature and now desires protection and non involvement
Your Actual Problem:
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She tries to escape from this by withdrawing and protecting herself with an attitude of cautious reserve. Moody and depressed.

I have found that as of late, I'm over the top. So much that it drives everyone around me crazy, myself included. I'm loud, speak my mind, I have absolutely none of my reservation I used to have. Seems I don't know how to restrain myself anymore.
I've realized what it's from. On the eve of four months without her, I know why I am increasingly crazy. I have different ways of coping, and it seems that I am doing the exact opposite of how I feel to somehow trick myself into being happy. Instead of walking around being depressed, I'm overly happy. Manic, I guess. It's coping with her absence. I know, though, that if this longing was relieved, I would be able to come back down. But with no relief in sight, I don't know what will happen.

Lover, are you lonely?

Nostalgia is a theme in my blog. Read, it's running rampant.
Longing- another major theme. Read, it's all consuming.

I had a very odd dream about an ex that we wont mention as of now. It was very disturbing. But there's no doubt about where it came from. It was spawned from the loneliness I'm feeling. Look at me; I'm a mess.
On a happier note, I got my pictures back from the shoot last Monday. I look amazing. *laughs* I say that with as little vanity as possible. But really, they do look good.

I need something worthwhile to say. Something insightful. Something interesting to you people.

So, A Story? Oh kay.

close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Listen to this song- Dreams by The Cranberries.
Imagine: buildings that are thirty stories tall covered in windows, 85 degrees being elevated by the blacktop of the city. What's on your mind as you walk through such a beautifully exotic contrast to the bland country side you spend every day in? Could it be taking in the sights of this city you may not be in ever again? Could it be how you'll do that night? No, it wouldn't be anything you'd expect.
A girl, you me just the day before. That's what you're thinking of. Trying to figure out what she's doing, even though you have no way of knowing. Wondering if she's thinking of you. You find a smile has crept onto your face and blush. How could you let this happen so soon?
Keep going with your imagination: You're on stage, with fifteen pounds of blue material hanging from your body. The only way it's not falling down, showing everyone in the crowd how you're severely lacking in upper body assets, is by being so tight it's impossible to breathe. Your feet are screaming for you to get off of them. And while this all is happening, what are you thinking? Are you wishing you could sit down? Are you wishing you could stay up on stage?
Again, not what you'd think, though this time is more predictable. No, you're wondering where she's sitting. And whether or not she's paying attention to you. Wondering if she's looking more at you than at her sister who is so ironically placed beside you for the whole thing.
Keep imagining: One Hundred and Twenty Four days later- you're sitting at a computer, typing yet again about this girl. This girl that had your heart after two days. Longing threatening to be the end of you.

You're just a sad song, with nothing to say.

A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts.

Going to bed very soon, but just thought I'd drop a little something for all of my millions of fans. *laughs* Yeah right.

Anyway- it's been a good day. But how could it not have been? I saw a lovely pair of what will remain annonymus pair of breasts. *laughs* Yes, that's what I said.

A Made Up Story, no doubt

I wake up in the clothes I wore the day before. I struggle to remember what had happened as I slowly sit up to check the time. My contacts are still in, and I find that I've been asleep for a measly two hours. My memory loss could be accredited to my sleep deprivation, but when I glance at the girl beside me, everything comes back. What happened the night before washes over me, threatening to drown me almost like being under a waterfall with your head tilted back.
Seeing short red hair and feet barely poking out from the end of the cover, I cannot surpress a smile. For nearly ten minutes, I sit motionless and watch her sleep; blown away by the fact that she's there. Soon, nature is calling and I cannot sit any longer. So I get up as silently as possible and head towards the bathroom. When I get back, I crawl in the warm covers beside her, using the heat her body is producing to warm my chilled self.
Sighing a deep breath out, I notice she's not breathing like she's asleep. I open my eyes and find her smiling at me. I brush the hair out of her eyes, taking my time running my fingers along her cheek. I bring her face ever so slowly towards mine, and when I believe I would die if I didn't, I kiss her. In that kiss, I'm taken back to a summer. The summer. A time I didn't leave for months. I let the emotions flow just as they did that night in July. A transfer of soul between us, the very act that laced her within me.
She takes my breath away, and she notices, drawing away from out interlocking lips. Running her fingers along the bones that make up my face, a familiar scene comes to mind. It's in hers, too, I can see it in her eyes.
So I ask, "What are you doing?"
Two simple words that are so dear to me, "Remembering you," is all she says in reply.

I sliced my finger open with a deodorant cap.

I wake up in love. I fall asleep in love. I spend my days in love.
Perhaps a love that I shouldn't have been in to begin with.
But don't tell my heart that.
There's some reason why I'm so in love with this girl.
There has to be.
There's something in the future that will need me to be in love with her.
A handful, no doubt. But she makes it all disappear.

There's a voice that I hear in my head.
Late at night, lying awake in bed.
There's a hand that's somehow always in mine.
I can feel you standing beside me.
When I'm standing all alone.
Your lips against mine,
taking in everything that I could.
In those few moments that I had.
With perhaps the most challenging
Amazing, Beautiful, and crazy girl
I'll ever meet.

How have we made it this far?
With so many miles between,
121 days and counting.
What does this really mean?
Are we just wasting time,
Or could this really be?
Two days, three words
and too many phone calls to count.
Hours and kisses,
I now know what love is about.


this entry is dedicated to my favorite, my dream, my girl. That one person I'd die for, the greatest in the world.

Tell me, Please-

How much heart ache can I withstand?
How many times will my dreams be shattered before I have no hope left in me?
How do I keep going on when I can barely breathe from the weight of this absence?
How do I keep smiling, never faultering in my attempt at the illusion that I am happy?
How much missing must I live through before I can finally stop?
Before the sky finally opens up and peace is draped around my weary shoulders?
How do I move forward as time passes me by when all I'd like to do is lay in my bed, dreading the fact that today isnt the day?
How do my eyes never seem to dry up?

Dear God,

Please give me a good day Saturday.
The strength and courage.
And of course Luck.
I love you.
I believe in you.
Amen.

No Title. Because I dont need one.

Time has literally stopped.
What to do when you have all the time in the world to do it? All the time in the world to do anything but that one thing you'd die to do.

*sigh*

Another Entry called Melancholy

I've fallen, it seems, into a permanent state of hurt that doesnt go away. No matter how much I laugh or smile. No matter how many people I surround myself with- my mind never leaves her. Never leaves the bitter fact that she's the one person I want to see yet she's the one that I cannot.
Do I seem happy to you? It's getting awfully tiring to keep it up. Can you see the longing there in my eyes? That's all I see when I look in the mirrior. I smile, I laugh, I look in the mirror and no matter what my mood, my eyes are dark, tired, mirroring my hurt that I keep inside of me.
But I think to myself: If this hurts so bad that it's making me exhausted keeping it up, why am I continuing? Some would say 'you're less happy now than when you didnt have her. Why carry on?'
Simple: They are wrong. I'm not less happy. Sure- my lows are lower than ever before. But the same can be said about my highs. You should see me after I've been on the phone with her. You should see me after I've been talking about her. Somehow, she brings a feeling of belonging, hope, love that I've never felt before. Even when she is so far away. This shows, to a degree, what it's like to be around her. Everything's better by neverly 50 fold.
It may seem insane to you. For me to put myself through this. But I'm really not. There's no helping it. I couldnt get out even if I wanted to. And it goes without saying that that's the last thing I want to do.
In her is home, belonging, the very thing I've been searching for all along. In her is everything I've ever wanted. I wont ever give that up.

Heather, If you're here---

I miss you.

Top Ten Ways to Waste a Saturday on the Internet

This list has been researched over a period of about two years. Studies have shown that this is the most effective way to waste a Saturday on the interweb. WHOO!

10. Set up a blog somewhere and write as many posts as possible.
9. One word: YouTube
8. Google image search inatimate object you can think of
7. Find a message board about something you know nothing about. Post inane questions.
6. Visit every sight that comes up when you Google search the word 'The'
5. Make accounts on all the websites you can find that offer them for free
4. visit www.dead-baby-joke.com (Warning- not for the easily offended)
3. See what happens when you Google search 'Google' (will the world explode?)
2. See how long you can search through pictures at www.photobucket.com
1. Make a top ten list of dumb things you've done and post it on the blog you set up in number ten.


It works wonderfully.

You're never going to fit in much, Kid.

This week has been bitter sweet.

Lots of phone calls keeping me up when I'm about to pass out. But I'd never give that up. I'd take being exhausted the next day to do that every night. Needless to say- nostalgia. Also, needless to say that this aspect was my sweet of this week.

Bitter, just as I have become, because I came to the harsh realization that I dont have friends. Fueling pitiful fits of tears keeping me awake rather than the brighter alternative stated above. I have people at school that talk to me, but very few people could actually say they like me. This could be for multiple reasons such as: I am too over the top, too crazy, too smart, too loud, too obnoxious. Anything. But I've now come to peace with it and it doesnt sting as it did the other night.

I went to dinner with Michael last night. He called after a two week disappearance and asked if I wanted to go. We went to Subway. Then we went to WalMart. I love that place. It was an odd sort of meeting. Sure, the boy's great and I love him. Yes, I know he's beautiful, he's a beautiful boy. But I seem to be absolutely not attracted to him like I used to be. For his sake, I tried. I couldnt conjure up that burning want from before. Instead, I found myself thinking about Heather most of the time. Wishing she'd call.

And now we're on that topic. So brace yourselves kiddies- You're about to hear, again, about her. I'm finding that that missing, the longing that's always present is something of the norm now. Though it never leaves, I know that when it does, it will feel very odd. It's just a part of me, I suppose. Just as she is. Four months in November. 117 days since I've seen her. It's hard to believe that little number is indeed how long it's been. It seems so much longer. And the road of endless days ahead doesnt help in the least. But I find condolance in the fact that one day, that road will end and standing at the end, she'll be standing there. That final mile will be like dying. I'll sprint. And when I do die, she'll be my heaven. The wait over, that's the only thing that keeps me going. She's the one thing, being, that's kept me alright. I try to think about how I would have survived these past couple months without her. I cant. Even though this missing has made it difficult, not having met her, not having had her to talk to, to keep me content- might have proved disasterous.

Stay tuned for later. I may have to write again. More insight to how this world works. Perhaps.

Who thought it was possible to have a cool teacher?

Mr. Black: A. Fire. Inside. Inside what?
Me:It's a band.
Mr. Black: Punk rock?
Me: Kind of.
Mr. Black: Are you a punk rocker?
Me: uh, I guess...
Mr. Black: You like to hang in the mosh pit? Are you a mosher?
Me: No. I'm more of an emo kid.
Mr. Black: Nemo.
Me: no. Emo. E-M-O.
Mr. Black: I know what emo is. And from what I know what emo is, you're really not.
Me: Yeah, you better know what emo is!

Some crazy day today was.
Weirdo happy mood which spawned lunatic-like hyperness that made me so loud and obnoxious that I dont know how ANYONE could stand me.
I guess I was in a good mood because of yesterday. And because I'm completely out of my mind.

Another good thing: My Greatest Friend in the World, Keri, was in a fabulous mood today. Everything's wonderful when she's in a good mood.

Not a whole lot else to say... So until later.

Chaos Reigns

As you can see, I've yet another new blog template.
This is by far my favorite and I spent the most time on it. All of yesterday, to be exact.

Hope you likes as much as I do!




more later.

The Most Effin' Awesome Song.

Welcome to The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.

Absoulutely amazing. I love this song!

Time Flies By

Today we set up a photo session with a photographer to take pictures to send to the agency.
After that I go to either New York or Chicago to shoot for Abercrombie, I believe.
All of this is going so fast...

I'm wondering what's going to happen when it all starts. How much will I be traveling? What will being on a plane be like? What happens to people here at home when I'm not here?
So many things going through my head and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I miss Heather so badly, I can conjure up the memory of her. I can feel her hands in mine, her back under my hands holding her in my arms as I pull her towards me to kiss her...
It's all so stressful and wonderful and it hurts.

But everything will be oh kay.

Letters To Heather Part Six

Dear Lovely, Sweet Heather,

The past two days have been bliss compared to the last four weeks. I've talked to you more than I have in a long time. I saw your brilliance manifested there on my computer screen. Everything has been beautiful. All of my memories, our memories, that I have worked to repress to save myself heartache.

These past two days have been completely about you. I dont know how to put into words how much you mean to me. I dont believe there ARE words to explain it.

I love you so much. And miss you so much more these two days than I have ever. Seeing you there and not being able to reach out and touch you. Not be able to kiss you. It was painful. But I wouldnt have given it up for anything.

I have to go put myself into sleep. Hopefully a sleep filled with your presence.

Love,
Erro

I told you so

Yesterday was by far the absolute best day I've had in a very long time.
Even though the missing was so bad that I was in physical pain.
I watched her for hours yesterday, on the web cam. She looks so utterly amazing. I tried for a long time not to just break down right here in front of the computer screen. It worked for a while, but then I surrendered and bawled like the baby I am. Just crying because I felt so good and so bad all at the same time. It was overwhelming. But it was wonderous.

Dreampt of her last night. Had a grand time to say the very least.

Today has just been wide eyed wonder. Wondering if she'll be on again. Wondering how I got so lucky. Wondering how I could ever come up with the words to finally prove to her how amazing she is. My mind doesnt form thoughts in speakable terms. But in ways that only I can understand what's going on. This could be because of my mental instability. No, it is, no doubt.

My very few faithful and regular readers are sick and tired of hearing about her. BUT YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Though, Megan sees now how I can talk so much about her. She's amazing, isnt she, Megan?

H.E.A.T.H.E.R.

I

love

this

girl.

Waiting by the stairs... ONE BIG DARK ROOM

"But she doesnt listen to anyone... so there's no point in telling her anything."

A comment made about yours truely by one of the greatest people in the world.
I believe this person knows me well, or so it seems.
I am stubborn beyond belief. If I've got something in my head, there's not a whole lot that can change my mind.

I've spent the majority of the day talking to myself out loud walking down the halls and loudly arguing with myself. And really, that isnt out of the ordinary. I've just become more vocal about it than keeping it within my head. Do I sound insane yet?

Just took the color quiz. It's a fun personality quiz at http://www.colorquiz.com
My results? Here-

Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. However, she believes that there is little she can do and that she must make the best of the situation.

Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

Your Actual Problem
Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of demonstrating her worth.


If I have an accurate account of myself, that was almost dead on. How they know so much by me just randomly picking colors, I will never know.
I absolutely love personality tests. (:

When all else fails, marry your brother!

The girls with me in the bathroom at the park were laughing as we all are changing clothes. We all emerge from our stalls and see two women that were waiting rather impatiently for the stalls to vacate. One of the women took out highlighters and was showing us them while the other was peeing in a urinal. A very awkward scene.
Someone comes in and tells us to put the bottles of juice we were all holding away because the cops were here. I finished washing my hands and threw away the juice then walked out into the dark. I was thouroughly confused at how it had gotten so dark as the police men looked at me oddly.
Catching up with the girls, I realize I'm in the part of town where Katie lives and we're headed to it. I catch up with them and come up beside Heather. I wrap my arm around her waist and continue up to the house. We enter and continue through to Katie's room where we sat and talked. My arms never left Heather, holding her and looking at her letting my eyes soak her up while I had the chance. We kissed and laughed and cuddled for such a long time.

At 1:37 in the morning I was roused from sleep by who knows what and shook me from the euphoric dream. But I drifted in and out of sleep up until I had to get up for school. All night (morning rather?) I was in a very odd sleep-like state, volleying back and forth from rolling over and holding onto Heather.

Today was a mixture of horrid singing and blissful smiles. During study hall I was greeted by a cheerfully titled email from none other than my dream girl.
My friends were confused when I told them what it was about, because they seemed to forget the fact that Heather and I werent technically together. But after a quick reminder of the events of the past couple of weeks, they understood.
In my mind, we were never really apart. I miss her.

Anymore Questions Before We Shut the Door on Alexander?

My wonderful friend- "Was he gay?"
Mr. Krambeer- "I always have to address that question. I watched a movie, which I couldnt get for us because some other school had it, and it said that he had a 'male traveling partner' So to answer your question- yeah, he was probably gay."

No questions asked, I laughed- hard. It was one of those days, again, where Mr. Krambeer was making jokes all class long that only I caught. And proceeded to laugh, making it seem like I'm either insane or retarded. I'm betting on the first one.

All by Mr. K:
"Alex out stratigerized him."
"What do you a call a black man driving an airplane? A pilot... racist!"
"When Alexander set off to conquer all those places, the people didnt really think much of it. They looked the other way and were like 'Good luck with that, Alex!'"
"Someone who was extremely charismatic, or had to be, even though he didnt use it for much good: Hitler. He had to be charismatic to get all those people to do the outrageous things he did. Though telling people you were going to kill them otherwise may have had something to do with it..."

So that was my day. Teachers were very odd today. I spent about ten minutes talking to Mr. Monroe, the P.E. teacher, about the sex toys at Spencer's. When we brought it up, he goes " They have that stuff there? Where is it?!?" It was hilarious, to say the very least.

S.C.H.O.O.L.

this is where I am. First entry posted from school. Arent you lucky?

Though there isnt much to write about.
Festival last night. I sang very well, so well I surprised myself. But I'm not singing well today. All State Practice didnt go very well. Next weekend- the 21st is auditions. I'm nervous.
Last night, I missed Heather so much. I still do. And it has me in a melancholy mood.

Nothing much else...
oh yes, mom got a call from the modeling agency I got contracted to when I was ten-ish.
They want me to start.

Heather's girlfriend's a model. *laughs* Lucky isnt she?
Nah, I'm the lucky one. I've got her.

All This Came To Me In the Shower. You'd have came to me too... if you were there.

I have always been an extremely forgiving person.

In the past, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. For example: always forgiving that one person I was in a relationship with that I dont like talking about. Him, or the relationship. It cut me up, scars are still here. And deep down, there are still wounds- open wounds- struggling to heal. They may never. Only time will tell.
But like I said, my trusting and forgiving gets me in trouble. All those times I forgave him. Only to see that I was going to be hurt more. Over and over again till I could barely get out.

And somehow, even though it hurt so much and I should learn from it. I'm still so forgiving. Things make me mad but I get over them just as quickly as my violent anger sparks. Too many changes in my emotions. I'm beginning to see how unstable I am.

I would do anything to be next to her. Even if just for a couple minutes. Just long enough for me to tell her I love her and to feel her next to me. To take her hand in mine and remember how well it fits. And to kiss her. Then, if she must, she can be taken away from me. I dont want her to be. I want to be with her always. But if that's what must happen, then it shall. Just moments, spare me that.

Another thing I realized while I was showering:
I cannot speak her name. I can write it just fine. I can listen to her saying it on my voicemail. But I, myself, cannot utter it. Maybe sometimes, I can. But not really. Not alone, talking to myself. I can barely speak of her without bringing myself into a state of depression. And yet, thinking about her makes me so happy. I bounce around the house, thinking about her. Then, even though I'd been thinking for hours and being happy about it, everything falls and I miss her so much.
I've realized that over these three months, there hasnt been a time when I havent thought about her. I miss her. I miss Heather.

Bitch in my face if you're tired of this. I dont care. I'll get pissed at you, I promise. You wont get away without a good lecture, perhaps some yelling and maybe me throwing things in the direction of your head. Dont think about giving me shit about moving on or stopping talking about her. Because you know what? I'M NOT GOING TO QUIT.
But, speak now, or forever hold your peace. I'll be sure to hold your peices once I'm finished.

Do you believe in time travel?

Three.


If only it was possible. If only I could do it.


I met her today. Three months ago.
Organic cows were born today. Three months ago.


I'm finding I'm lost. Oxymoron. But it's true.

Off to do algebra. Two days worth. Perhaps you'll get a better put together entry later. But then again, perhaps you wont.

Who knows.

A Pirate's Life For Me

I'm lacking anything worth while to talk about. I do suppose I should be attempting to finish my two weeks worth of World History I just missed... But I do only have one more section. I'm a procrastinator. Sorry.

Now, you all are tired of the over talked about topic of Heather. So I'll spare you this entry. No more mention of this angel. Go.

As I have probably mentioned- I'm going back to school on Monday after my two and a half week long vacation. Though it really wasnt a vacation, because I was barely lucid for half. I'd have taken another week or two to 'recover' because I was enjoying myself after I got over the horridly sick part. But I have festival on Monday and I cannot afford to miss out on any more practice before All State auditions on the 21st. I'm doing spectacularlly compared to last year, though I could use some more practice.

I'm half-watching Donnie Darko right now. I'm not sure I like it. I'm just listening, because the t.v. is in the kitchen and I cannot see it. This rabbit, he sounds familiar. And have you ever seen this rabbit? He's freaking deranged...
But I love Jake Gyllenhaal. He was brilliant in Brokeback Mountain. And he plays a damn good crazy kid.

Fear- noun. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

"If you feel the urge to vomit up there... Just swallow it"

I believe I'm losing my battle. I actually feel crazy, again. I dont think this is good.

Wish me luck

The Sheri Lewis Show- Lamb Chop Anyone?

This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends...


---THIS is quality childrens programming?

LTH- Part... anyone know? I lost count...

For some reason, my fingers are faster to get to the second 'h' in your name before the 't'. So your name usually comes out as "Heahter", which does look normal, because all the letters are there, until it is looked at.

Nothing really. That's why I'm writing. Nothing really to say. But these are the best times to talk to you. Because when there is nothing really to say, the most is said. Too much is left unsaid when there are things to discuss. The things we come upon when there's nothing to talk about are priceless. Priceless memories that are just that now- memories.

I remember talking to you on the phone, once, late at night. The morning, really. Nearly two. I was telling you a story, as you always asked me to. You were so tired, and before I knew it, you were sleeping. That night, I told you a story I didnt normally tell. Not the one about the two girls who met in a motel and fell in love, gradually fast in a Starbucks and in some stairs. Not the one where we relive those feelings. But instead, it was a story about the future. But you were sleeping, and you didnt hear. When I realized that you were sleeping, I was relieved, really. Because I was showing you my hopes and dreams that I wouldnt let myself see.

But now, that's all I see. The future. Our future. Hoping, with everything I am, that there will be a future...

Am I crazy to want to be with you? To want to continue even though this hurts like hell? Did we take things too fast? Did I fall too fast? Was I too willing to give you my heart? Will this keep hurting till there's nothing left? Will I ever see your pretty face again? Will I ever look into those eyes I only got the chance to gaze so lovingly into that weekend? Will I ever feel your body against mine, our fingers entwined, fitting so perfectly? Will I ever get to see the brilliance of you in person, the stark contrast between your beautifully red hair and your shining blue eyes? Will I ever, even once more, feel your lips so close to mine, driving me completely mad, then releasing and kissing me just as I'm about to burst?

So many questions that cannot be answered. So many things keeping me awake at night. Refusing myself sleep to just lay in the dark and think about you. Am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am? I really wouldnt know...

I miss you. Baby, I miss you so much.

Love,
Erro

Why Cant you Hear Me When I'm Calling Out To you?

Odd moods today. Elation and just being weird.
I've been talking to myself too much, I believe.
But really, who else is there to talk to? No one's here enough for me to accurately get myself understood. I'm the only one who can. I'm the only one who's here. Well, not really me, but that other person I always talk to. They should have a name.

I sound insane. I do believe I've gotten there.

I need to see her... Being away and unable is taking it's toll. See?

Happier Times

Feeling good today. Got all of my english done, thank God.

An email from my wonderfully amazing girl. And even though things really havent changed, I'm happy, and in a better place as of right now. It's been a good day.

I'm back to my crazy in love annoying happiness that everyone just adores.

But not a whole lot else going on right now. Nothing interesting to write about, though I may think of something later.

Bon Voyage (:

Part Four of what will be a lot of parts...

I'm finding this helps a lot. So I shall continue.

Dear Heather,
Thank you.
Thank you for the answers, for the good times, for everything. For being you, even though it is hard to deal with all that is you at times. Thank you for the love you've given me, for the love you continue to give. For the hope you give me. Goals and dreams set for the future that wouldnt be there if it werent for you.

I'll never give up on you, on us. You, and all the good times and memories, I will hold onto. For as long as it takes. One day, we'll get there. We'll be together.

And it will be bliss.

Endlessly,
Erro

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

American Version:
Ring around the rosy
a pocket full of posies
ashes, ashes
we all fall down.

English Version:
Ring-a-ring o' rosies
a pocket full of posies
ah-tchoo, ah-tchoo
we all fall down.

Either version is morbid beyond my liking. I hate that nursery rhyme.

The American version's translation:
Ring around the rosey- refering to the rash that was one of the symptoms of the Plague
A pocket full of posies- people often carried around pouches of sweet smelling herbs because it was believed that illness was spread by bad smells.
Ashes, ashes- when someone died, they cremated them.
we all fall down- refering to the stifling amount of deaths: over 60%.

The English version's translation:
Ring-a-ring o' rosies- back to the warding off bad smells
A pocket full of posies- the same as the last translation
Ah-tchoo, ah-tchoo- refering to the violent sneezing attacks that were another symptom of the Plague
we all fall down- same as last.


I found a pattern in most nursery rhymes: they involve death or something violent. Funny, how these are the things we learn first in our lives. Seemingly pretty rhymes put to songs about people dying. This one in particular is almost grotesque.


information about the rhyme taken from: http://www.rhymes.org.uk/ring_around_the_rosy.htm

Letters To Heather Pt.II

Dear Heather,

I'd wait for you for forever. You're the only one who's worth it.
I miss you now, with every passing second, more than I ever thought was possible.
I'm feeling more pain than I ever thought I could bare.
But I'd do this till time ended. If it meant that someday, you'd be here, with me.


but baby, I'm so tired of crying...

Endlessly,
Erro

Letters to Heather

Something therapeutic. If you don't like it, don't read it. I just needed to put it somewhere. There may be more, so stay tuned. Oh, and if you have any comments, advice, rants, or would just like to put some sense into me- feel free. The third skull and cross bones takes you to my comment board.


Dear Heather,

There's lots of things going through my head as of now. Lots of emotions, many of which I would like to forget about because they hurt. And no matter how many excuses I come up with to push the truth away, none of them block the fact that this is, indeed, your fault.
When I got that email, telling me what was happening, I tried my hardest not to cry. Sitting here on this computer, with my mom in the other room- I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to explain it to my mother. I wished that I had been at school, because I would have cried there, without restraint. But I was and am at home sick and I have to hide my unhappiness.
When she went to go get the girls from school, I turned up our song and bawled. I cried so hard, I was practically screaming. This went on for an hour before I felt even remotely better. All the pain coming out in gasps and odd noises I'd never heard myself make before. But then, I couldn't blame you, because I had no idea what had brought it on.
The next day, you woke me up, just as you had so many times before. You told me what had happened. It's probably a good thing your phone cut out. There was something inside of me, that just snapped. I sat up in bed, hoping you'd call back. Twenty minutes passed and you didn't. I let go then. I was so mad. So upset. I came to the conclusion after talking to myself for a half an hour, that you had been right. Way back in July, that first day you talked to me following that weekend, you'd told me I couldn't fall in love with you. Because you'd hurt me, it was just something you did. And you didn't want to do that to me. I convinced myself that you wouldn't. It wouldn't happen. But you were right. This hurts like hell.
Yesterday, I went to school for homecoming. Just to see some friends because I was literally going out of my mind. I told a select few what happened. And somehow, I wasn't mad. Not really. Sure, you held the blame. You're the one who messed it up. But it was messed up from the very beginning. We lived so far away. I was making excuses, trying to make sense of why it happened. And for a while, I was oh kay with it.
It wasn't till last night, laying in bed, talking to you- not really you, just pretend you- that I realized that it wasn't oh kay. I wasn't oh kay. I was crying, crying for so long wishing someone, anyone, was there to hold me. I finally just cried myself to sleep, not waking again till six this morning.
Today, I haven't cried, I haven't felt like it either. I miss you, like hell. And I've come to a conclusion after just mere days of a very long journey I'm about to set out on. I love you, I believe I have since the first time I talked to you. Sure, I was upset. I'd have to be completely out of my mind if I wasn't. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who's at fault. I love you all the same. I told you I would forever, and I will. Nothing changes that. I miss you now, maybe even more than I ever have. Wishing I could see you again, even if it was just one last time. I'm wishing you'd call, because so many things are still so unclear to me.
I want to know what I'm supposed to do now. Is there a chance that I will ever see you again, no matter how far in the future it is? Am I supposed to move on and look back on these past few months and smile? Or am I supposed to hang on, hoping that one day you'll call, telling me everything's alright now? So many questions that I fear will never be answered.
I'm here, always. Contact me however, if you'd like. I love you. I always will. I promise, cross my heart twice. And if in the future, after so long, you do find me, I'll drop everything, for you.

Nothing is better or sweeter than you. You are my forever.

Endlessly,
[Erro] -- I'm still not giving anyone who hasn't figured out my real name the answer.


Now, any comments, advice, kind words, harsh words, anything, I'll take them.

Happy One Hundred

Time has come- this is post 100

That's right, I've stuck around to bring all of you 100 glorious posts filled with useless nonsence. Oh joy.

Things arent good here. Things have gone to a darker place bring back a sort of addiction to me. But I'll take all the help I can get, right now. Anything to make myself stop hurting. But I promise, I'm not hurting myself.

Someday, maybe, I can move on. But I need to know if that is expected of me. If it isnt, than I wont. I dont want to. And I'm very stubborn over lots of things, including my heart, no matter how much it's breaking.

In lighter news::
I'm feeling good today. Not tired at all. Perhaps I'm getting better. Perhaps...



I'll love her, always. Cross my heart twice, literally.

Masochistic

A certain sort of happiness has come about right now.
This coming from a complete hour of crying so hard that I was basically screaming. I don't really have a voice right now.

It's almost like a refusal to believe any of it, creating a faux-happiness.
And yet, I'm still optimistic of future events, even if I really don't believe they will ever come to live other than pretty day dreams played out to save the last shred of hope and sanity that I have.

Funny, only one person knows what happened.. What I'm talking about...
I called Michael in the midst of my hysterics, when I had calmed enough to utter a few short sentences before I launched into it again. Though he was roaming so he only knows that I'm upset. He probably wasn't the best of choices to call, but I was in a rough spot, and he's the only one I could have called. I was surprised that he answered.

It hurts. I am in physical pain. I think I pulled something when I was breaking down. Perhaps I burst my spleen... who knows.


Last night, I deprived myself of sleep, reading over old entries. Laughing at how sarcastically witty I can be. I am finding wit in everything. Perhaps a sad attempt of getting myself smiling again. Or maybe it's the utter lack of any human contact. I think I am going insane.

Poison

There may be some question about why my new template is centered around poison.
As you all know, I have mono. This makes me feel poisonous- because I'm contagious. But that all is beside the point I'm writing.

The point is I have no point, I just need something to do.
Too much time to think has taken me to a place that is dark as a moonless midnight. And cold as January in the Yukon. Lonely as solitary confinement for fifty years. I think you get the point.
Too much thinking about the void I am trapped in, so far away from her. Sure, you guys are tired of my longing and sobing... But it's too bad, you'll hear it till I can see her.

I miss her. I'm worried. I feel terrible.


The.End

For of sugar and ice, I am made

The video for Love Like Winter by AFI was just on. Along with a half an hour making. Loved it, it made me feel better. For some reason I feel horridly today.

So funny, and the video its self was splendid. Like Narnia (:

That's all for now. Nothing happening so I apologize for not writing much.

Simple. I'm rotting.

I miss her

MONO

Well, first off::

Happy 16th, Josie!!


Oh kay, well- I have mono. My spleen is so swollen it is a mass protruding from my abdomen. And I've a temperature. I have to be really careful so I dont explode it, because if it does, I could bleed to death. And I really dont want to die right now.




Until Later, if I dont die

Slept for 17 hours today. I've been lucid for five. I feel absolutely terrible. I want to sleep, and I have barely enough energy to walk up the stairs. I'm dizzy, too.

Mom thinks it's mono. oh joy.

I dont know how much I'll be writting till I'm well again. Typing this is almost painful I'm so exhausted.

Kwear Secks!

I'm not amused right now. Not At All.

I'm so cold. I wish the heat could be on right now. But of course not. It's only SEPTEMBER. It shouldn't be this cold. Absolutely Not.

Absolutely Not- that's the song we did the production number to at the pageant this summer. I hear the word 'absolutely' and that's what I think about. I see in my mind standing up on that stage, the lights so bright, doing the dance I barely knew, staring out into the black, wondering where she was sitting. So many things going through my head at that moment. What my uncoordinated body was doing right then, what I need to attempt to do next, what happens after the pageant, what if I win? Then, once I've got that in my head, the rest of the weekend comes flooding into my mind. Not that I dont want it there...

Just echoing the fact that missing is getting unbearable. I've said it before, but it's getting worse. I need to see her.

I kicked major ass today in speed ball during p.e. Standing in one spot and walking back and forth making it seem like I'm trying. I made it clear that NO ONE should pass me the ball because I'm barely coordinated to walk, and I cannot catch and/or kick a ball. So they didnt. And it was fun (:

So I'm thinking I'm getting sick. This morning I coughed and it felt like part of my lung ripped in half. Oh joy.




ah yes, And HOORAY FOR KWEAR SECKS! of which I need to get myself some (: