My Dream

I had a dream last night that I've been getting bits and peices of all day long. I'm writing it down so I wont forget it.

:::Start Dream:::

I'm in a hallway of a poorly kept inn. The floors are linoleum and the walls are dirty white. There are florecent lights doing a poor job at lighting the hallway. It's daytime. I'm standing in a space at the end of the hallway that is twice as wide as the hallway. Then Heather comes. I hug her. I can feel my arms around her, I can feel her under my hands, feel what she feels like. I'm then joined by a few more people, though I cannot tell you now who they were. I'm holding onto her still and burrying my face in her neck as we giggles about who knows what. I kiss her. Then we get onto the elevator and go up to the twentith floor. We get off and her mother comes down and talks to her. She said something to me, but I cant remember what she said. Just like before, I havent let go of her. We're carrying on, happy and care-free. We get back on the elevator and I wake up.

:::End Dream:::

It wasnt much, but it was wonderous. I adore dreams where I can feel throughout the day what I felt in the dream. I can still feel her in my arms.
Oh how I wish I could feel it for real...

I miss her so...

Surprise

Yesterday, sitting here wasting my time doing absolutely nothing, my friend signs on and asks me if she can ask me something. Of course she can, so she does.
I'm then informed *direct quote*:

"okay, idk if its true, and i dont mean to barge in on things, but rachel just called me and said somthing about mike wanting to break up with u, and u said u'd kill urself if he did? thats not true is it?"

Big shock. Never saw that one coming. I wouldnt have thought anything about it, except that Rachel's sister is one of The Boyfriend's best friends. So, I suppose I should take this as just a little warning. So it's not one big I-told-you-so if it does happen. Plus, I can laugh about it if it doesnt.

So I'm kind of on edge every once in a while. I put it away, push it to the back of my mind, but when I'm bored and wandering around in my mind, I stumble upon it.

In other news that I'm sure all of you have gotten tired of hearing::

My dear, Heather, is amazing. I miss her terribly. And I hope she can come to my party. I want to see her so bad. I want to spend time with her.

I've been listening to Far Away non-stop today. Not that it really matters.

The End.

Late Nights

After two nights of talking on the phone at wee hours of the morning, I've come upon a certain realization. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, it blows that I'm tired. But I couldnt give those phone calls up. Tiredness really hasnt seemed to be phasing me at all.
Two weeks now that I've been getting at most 7 and 1/2 hours a night. I'm almost immune to it.

In Other News:::
Three weeks. It's been three weeks since The Stairs. Three weeks since she stole my heart, drove me crazy, and left me with a feeling of such longing I thought I was going to explode.
It doesnt seem that long ago. Almost like it could have happened last week. Last night. Perhaps it's just because those moments have been immortalized in my mind and I've relived them so much that there's no telling when they happened.
That night was the best night I've had in a long while. I was with her. I wish I was with her right now. Just as I wish she was next to me while I'm talking on the phone with her. Exchanging words in a groggy oblivion to the fact that it's past time to be asleep. Refusing to surrender to our bodies' needs and keep talking through the night. Oh how I wish she could be here. That we werent so far away. I want to see her and to be with her. Perhaps we'll see eachother soon. But even when this longing for her is so bad, I know that if I dont see her I will be alright. She's here with me, no matter what.


Here's to late nights, refusing sleep to our exhausted selves, just to share eachother's company the only way we can. I'd give up sleep forever if it meant I was talking to her. I'd give up more to be with her. To have her next to me in bed every night. Cheers.

Far Away

The song by Nickelback: Far Away.

I heard it for the first time last night. I cried.

I heard it today on the radio *to my surprise* and I cried.

I am completely in love with that song. So I listened to it on the internet just moments ago. And, yes, you guessed it, I cried.

It stirrs up so much emotion. It makes me feel good and sad. And I cry.

When I'm listening to it, I dont hear the lead singer, I hear Heather singing it. That's how I heard it the first time, and that's how I'm going to hear it the next billion that I hear it.
Gives me that many more reasons to cry.

I miss her. And I love her. She makes me so happy. So I cry.

July Twenty-Nineth

Lots of things happening today:::

Congrats to Pam Anderson and Kid Rock and best of luck with their marriage today!


My milk in the fridge expires today...

But most important of all things happening today:::::

It's my wonderful Heather's birthday; she's sixteen! WHOO!

So Happy Birthday, baby! I love you!

TODAY

Well first off, The Boyfriend is not dead. And he's still madly in love with me.


AND SECONDLY... Heather is coming home today! WHOOO!
I am extremely excited. Plus I got to sleep in till nearly eleven in the morning so I just wasted half of my day. LESS WAITING!


I'm soo excited.

The Boyfriend

I think The Boyfriend is dead. Fallen off the edge of the earth. Just dissappeared.

Or else he's avoiding me. Not true avoidance, but being too busy to give me a call or drop me a reply to my email.

It makes me wonder if I matter as much anymore. Just pondering the fact that it may be setting in on him that he's leaving for college soon and it would be so much easier if he wasnt tied to something back here. But who knows.
Yes, he loves me. He tells me it and I can see it in his eyes when I'm with him. But all this space makes me start to wonder what the future holds for us. Wondering if we'll go our seperate ways.

I havent actually thought about what it'd be like without him. Not until now, that is. It's not brought on by insecurity or wanting to be apart from him. Just the fact that this year will change things, and we're not going to be convienently located fifteen miles away.
The more I think about it, the more I cannot predict what it would be like.
I dont know if I'd feel empty, because I know that even if we werent romantically involved, he'd still be there for me. He'd still love me, as I would him. I get this feeling that I would be okay if he did it. Yes, it would hurt at first, just because I've become very accustomed to him being there, but everything happens for a reason. Even if we dont know the reasons. And if/when he goes to college, it would be easier for both of us to handle it if we, in fact, werent together.

I could be just completely insane at the moment. But I've never hurt myself by fantasizing what the future will be like if certain things happen.


Cheers to the future and NOT knowing what's going to come my way.

More Neglect

"Watch as city lights dance for us"

All I see is darkness. And stars. Above my head in the dark sky. No light, but I know what's around me. I can see everything. The grass I'm laying on, the girl at my side. I can see her red hair and her blue eyes. There's no light to tell what the colors are but I know her. I know that's what she's looking like here in the darkness.
We're invisible here in the grass. It's taller than I am when I'm standing so here, laying on the ground, there's no knowing we're here. But everyone who needs to know, does. Her and I, here, looking up at this sky. The sky that stretches for billions of miles in every direction. So much space that no one knows about. Almost like me. Though one person knows what's at the end of me. The very limits of this being I am. I am 99% uncharted territory. So much of me to explore, to discover. Though unlike the sky, someone has seen it. All of it. And is continuing to see all of it. She's laying next to me. I can hear her breathing at the same pace that I am.
I look over at her, watching her watch the sky. She feels my eyes and turns her head to look at me. I'm staring into her soul. I am seeing all of her, as she's seeing all of me.

In the darkness of my room, my mind has wandered again. Fabricating scenarios involving her and I. This is what I do. All day and all night. Keeping her with me at all times. So many nights she's been with me as I fall asleep. I put her together as I lay in the black; black of my sheets and black of the dark. Starting with her lips. Then she's there. All of her. Beside me, inside me. And that's where she stays till I fall asleep. She then joins me in my dreams, keeping me safe as I wander the demensions of sleep. She leaves just as I wake in the morning so she's the first thing I see when I open my eyes.
I dont sleep much, anymore. I have no reason to. My body doesnt need it. It's almost as if I've come upon a new energy source that keeps me going for hours and hours. She's always there, no matter. She's taken me over, and I've taken her with open arms.


I hope she never lets me go.

Heather

I've neglected my pretty blog. But it's not like it matters... No one reads it.
I've neglected it with good reason, though.

I've been keeping secrets that no one but me and other secret holder gets to know. Mostly just because it's a wonderous pack of secrets and I am enjoying keeping them to myself and celebrating them in a duet.

But never fear, you will know soon enough. Just be patient.

Oblivion

I'm walking around the house, smiling and laughing. And not one person knows why.

This is glorious. The waiting paid off. All of it. I dont even barely remember the agony. The hours. All of it's gone.

She's here.

And I want to cry. And laugh. And sing. And I have.



Thank you, God.

Sister

I had an odd dream about my sister last night.
This dream stirs up emotions I've locked away long ago for the mere fact that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make them leave. These emotions have come back, as they do whenever thoughts of her are pulled out from the darkest recesses of my mind. I miss her, and I'm mad at her, and it's hard to remember her.
It's been over six and a half years since I've seen her. I dont even know if she's alive or not.

Sometimes I think about how my life would have been if she wouldnt have left. Would I have spent time with her? Would she have influenced me to be a different person? Would I be more rebellious? But then I think of the past six and a half years that wouldnt have happened the way it did if she hadnt left. I used to be so mad at her for doing it, and the only way to get me to calm down was to think about all the people I met because of it happening. I wouldnt have moved to the houses I did. Wouldnt have had the expiriences I had. This would be so different.

So another question arises; was it for the best that she did what she did? Was she trying to get away, like I'd like to? Would things have been worse at this point if she hadnt left?
There's so much that I dont know. And I wont know. And that drives me crazy.

I think about what would happen if she came back. Tonight, tomorrow, in a week. What would happen? Would she live here with us? Would she want Hanna back? Would things get messy? Would I have a new companion? Would she even like who I've become? Does she even remember me? Does she remember watching Independence Day in the dark, with me leaning on her pregnant tummy? Does she remember walking to Fairway with me, while I was carrying Hanna in the backpack thing? What about the week I spent with her in the apartment? How I felt so disconnected from the world I lived in every day? Does she know it was because of her that I started cutting my own toe nails? Does she even remember me at all?
Still more questions I cant answer and may never be answered.

I remember all of it. And I remember more. Her rose tattoo on her hand. The devil on her chest. I wanted to be just like her. She was beautiful. I looked foreward to the days when I'd be considered an equal.
And I am just like her. I'm tiny. Though I look like my brother. I feel I have her spirit. And yet I'm told I'm just like my brother. Perhaps I'm both of them.


The simple truth is : I miss her.

flying

Give me a map, a licence, a car, and some cash; you'll never see me again.
I want to explore. I want to get away from this place where the only thing to do is sit here and wish there was something todo, day dreaming about better things out there.
When I leave, there's no looking back. No regrets. No feeling.
Just Flying.

And until I get that chance, I'll be here longing for it. Dreaming of it. Exactly three years of school. Three years that I've accepted that I have to do. No punking out just because I'm smart. I'll stay there with those people. For the sole fact that why am I special enough to go? And how could I leave the few there that I care about? I wont. I have three years. Three painful years. But perhaps they wont be that bad. All about friends this year. Michael's not going to be there, so there's no worrying about him. I'm going crazy, and I'm going to enjoy it. And I'm going to sing, you'll see. I'll be a star. The weird little girl who's almost too crazy. Who runs around biting her thumb at that school, the exact opposite of all of the other stars of that school. But I'll have a voice too good to ignore just because I'm queer (as in weird, people. get a vocaulary).

I'm going into this year, like diving into a pool, head first. And I'm aware I cant swim. So if I'm drowning, dont bother saving me. I'm very well aware that if I dont acquire some sort of swimming skills on the way down, I wasnt supposed to swim. It wouldnt have been in the cards. But if I do survive the fall, then everyone should watch out. We all know how over the top I was last year, yea, well, I'm going to turn it up.




I'm going to fly.

Damned OCD

Damned OCD...

all I do is sit here and open and close my contacts, over and over again. I know she's not on, I know she's not going to be on when I open it. No amount of telling myself so will get me to stop. I'm lost in a monotonous cycle of opens and closes and disappointment when I see she's not on, despite the fact that I knew she wouldn't be.

I feel almost numb. With little bits of sadness and joy speckled throughout moments. Little bits of her flit through my mind at random times. She comes into my sight just long enough for a smile to register on my face, then she's gone. I wish I could call.

Someone come over to my house, tie me up, steal my phone, dial her number, tell her I want to talk to her, explain to her my little situation, then thrust the phone into my face, forcing me to talk; just as Michael did when we met her. I saw her, and told him I liked her. He stopped us, called her over, and simply said "she wanted to talk to you" and thrust her into my face so I was forced to talk to her, going against the fear in my chest making it hard to breathe.

I keep hoping that somehow she got my number and will just randomly call. The phone will ring, light up, and vibrate; scaring the shit out of me. I'll pick it up and it will read "Heather" and I will not be able to breathe. I'll let it ring till the last second and then answer. And then it will be fine. She'll tell me to call whenever and I will. That's all I really need, is for her okay to call. Then I can call once, then again, over and over till it's routine. Making it less painful every thing. But that's not going to happen if I don't do something first. So technically, it's my fault that I feel like this. I'm keeping myself waiting, keeping myself on my toes, in misery, in longing. Stupid me.

Suck it up and call. That's all I hear in my head. Yet I cant. I'm just unable. Plain and simple. I want her. I wish I had taken driver's ed. So when I'm sixteen I can drive, instead of having to wait till next spring. So I can go "kidnap" her, like I said in the stairs. Those stairs that I've spent the past week living in. I wont leave. I cant leave. Not until I've had contact, where I can make more memories to live in. Because if I leave, I may never get back.




Why is this so difficult?

Pride

All my life I haven't known who I am.

I was laughed at for not doing things with boys. Called a prude, a chicken. But I'm not by any means a prude, and not chicken in that department. Did anyone ever think that perhaps I didn't WANT to do it?

For a long time, I wanted to be a boy. I dressed like a boy, I cut my hair. But I still felt wrong. Not once did I tell anyone about that. Not once did I ever think that how I felt wasn't bad. I didn't even know what I was.

Recently, I was saved. I know it's not wrong for me to feel the way I do. And I know what it is, now. I have been embraced, told it was alright to feel how I do. Encouraged even. But still there was those who didn't want to hear about it. Thought it was gross. But my friends were supportive. Maybe not in the first couple seconds, but after that, they were. Sure, none of them wanted to hear about it, but they knew, and they didn't shun me for that fact.

Then even more recently, I've found an urge. To tell every single person who I am. Because I know now, after so much time wasted not knowing. I'm proud to be who I am.

I'm proud to be a lesbian.

It's out of my hands

It's out of my hands, now. I've done everything I could.
Now it's just sitting, waiting, and checking over and over.
This is where the fun begins.
Where the butterflies begin.
When I stop breathing everytime I see that box in the corner of my screen.

We're going to hit rock bottom, after a long fall through the sky.
But rock bottom may not be bad. Not at all.

I'm nervous. And I'm hungry.
But I just want to sit here and wait.
Because I really have something to wait for now.


......Remembering Five Stories......

YES!

Alex added me! I'm not going to have to put myself through hell to call her!
HOORAY! HOORAH!
*Ends celebration*


In other news:
I cant remember her face.
And I hope more than anything that Alex has her email.
And that she'll reply to my note I sent her.

More not eating, more just sitting, waiting for her.

***Velvet burns wrists while restraining. You blushed and smiled and said you would stay***

remembering

how long have you listened to AFI?
Since I knew how to put a cd in the stereo and push play.

Northern Lights sausage and mushroom pizza... best second-hand taste in the universe.

She brushed my hair out of my face... I melted.

She shook my hand... and my mother's hand.

You've wanted to do this since you first saw me, didnt you?
Yes
You're not the only one...

Her index fingers in the waste band of my shorts... I couldnt breathe.

Her looking up at me, when she stopped kissing, and smiled.

My teeth are the only straight thing about me.

come to the next pagent...

why do you always do that?
because I know it drives you crazy.
how do you know?
Because it does, doesnt it?
yes...

You're tie's wet
That's your fault.

I'm hot
That's my fault.

I'm all wet
That's my fault.

I hit the wall, hard, but I didnt care.

Centimeters between our lips, I could feel her smiling.

It sucks that we wont see eachother for a long time
yea..
Because you're falling for me

You need more practice, hang on
Not this again
Let's see how long you can go
I cant, you're leaving, I lose.
Good answer

she took my hand, and didnt let go.

Five stories of stairs.

Should we go further?
Just up this flight, then I have to die again.
I wasnt talking about stairs

She sat on the ledge and kissed me from above.

Took my hand and put them on her waste, letting me know it was ok.

Is that a hat?
No, it's a flower. Does it look like a hat?
No, now it looks like a flower...

her tiny lips.

she smiled everytime we stopped.

with my arm being my back, we went up the stairs. Up agains a wall she kissed my neck. Turns me around and we started again.

You're breathing different. Is it a bad thing?

yea, more heather

Day Five... why am I counting days?

I'm falling in love, that's why. She lives so far away, and I miss her.

I wish Alex would hurry her ditzy self up and add me, so I can possibly get ahold of Heather. Yes, I do have her number, but since I'm such a chicken shit, I cant call her. I just cant.
But I cant breathe... I cant think... I dont want to eat... I want to sit here and wait till I can talk to her, till I can see her again.

Is this what love is like? If it is, then I've never fallen... not once. Or maybe it's just because I've always fallen for the opposite sex. Now that I've actually fallen for a girl, after so long of looking, maybe this is what it's like. Maybe that's why I've always felt so detatched when I talked about boys with my friends...

And yes, it's official. I've Fallen. I admit it. I cant deny it. Ta freaking Da!

Hunger has overwhelmed me but I keep ignoring it. I'm sleep deprived but there's no guarentee that I'll dream of her, so I refuse myself more sleep. I just sit here and wait. Sounds pathetic. Well then, I'm the epitome of pathetic.

Now if by chance anyone outside of my one faithful reader that I know about, knows who I'm talking about, and IF by a long shot Heather actually comes here and reads this: GET ME IN CONTACT WITH THAT GIRL. PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU. PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!

She gives me the courage to face the world, the world that tells me that who I am is wrong. I want to stand against that world, with her by my side, forcing them to see that I'm a person too. I want to see gay marriage passed, because somehow I know that in the future I'm going to marry a girl damn it and I want to be able to do that.

Yes, I love the boyfriend. But our paths are turning different ways very soon. He's going to leave, and we all know long distance relationships dont work. But then why am I wishing so hard that I can get ahold of her. A girl that lives so far away? Why would I let myself fall for someone so impossible? Perhaps it's because I can deny myself everything on this earth, except for love. I cannot ignore it, I cannot fight it. I love who I love and I cannot change it. I never have been able to, and never will I in the future.

Damn it. I miss her.

More Heather

I dont want to forget, but it's driving me crazy to remember.
All day long, she's all that's been on my mind.
I cant breathe, I cant think.
I'm hoping Alex adds me soon, so perhaps I can get her email, because we all know about my OCD induced phone phobia.

Over and over I hear : "That's my magic", "Remembering you", "This is me not kissing you", the silence of the stairs, and breathing. "Queers" and "Do they grow the cows?!". Over and over and I dont ever want them to stop but I dont know what I'd do with myself if they didnt. Every single second, I'm wishing I could talk to her, be with her, have her looking up at me like she did.

But I'm thinking I'm so fickle. Before this I was completely smitten with Becky, and before that was Katie. All crushes, but this is different. This feels different. Two days is all I got, but it feels so much better than months and years with the others. Now no one measures up. The beautiful girls are still beautiful, but no where near her.

I'm trying not to encourage day dreams that come with falling for someone. For the sheer fact of not knowing if I'll ever see her again. For the fact that I have no idea how she feels and I'd feel completely stupid for falling so hard for someone who didnt have feelings for me. But why would I be remembered if there wasnt something there? I wouldnt...





I'm not falling

I'm plummeting...

Simply Put

I'm not falling



I'm plummeting...

Heather

I want to go back to Sunday night, where a ten minute walk lasted a half an hour in a stairwell.

Where I was put under a magic spell.

Where I was remembered.

When I spent a half an hour with a little red head who's one of the sweetest people I've ever known.

When I spent a half an hour seeing that the hyper girl I'd been spending as much time as possible with, had a surprising soft and quiet side.

When I wasted time and played Cops and Robbers.

When I learned someone else out there reads books about gay guys.

When I learned how to play something I've never heard of.

When I wished I had the courage to come out.

When I heard:
"Have you ever been on a rollercoaster?"
"yes"
"You know that feeling you get when you go down the first hill?"
"yes"
"Do you feel that right now?"
"yea... why?"
"That's my magic"

Where I lost over and over again, and that was the right thing to do.

Where I died, more than once.

And when I didnt get to say goodbye to possibly one of the best girls in the world.

night

I've seen five a.m. and four, and three. I've always been in love with the night. Darkness wrapping it's fingertips around my bare wrists. Breezes through the window breathing down my neck. Falling stars and rising storms, all together in this brilliant time.

I've watched the sun rise and set, over and over, and I wonder if it ever gets tired of doing the same thing. Perhaps one day the sun wont rise, and we'll be left in an everlasting night. Of course this will be when the world is so polluted that it will stay 80 degrees despite the lack of light.

We'll all fall in love with the night, the dark. Creating memories that will hang in the atmosphere, waiting to be picked like ripe crimson apples. Memories recreated many times till they fall apart like burnt parchment.

This will be a beautiful time, when day is gone, and we're all smitten with the night.

watch this

This is the cutest little thing I've ever seen.

Go see it's cuteness::: Kikia

Enjoy!