Sound Effects and Overerotics

Long pretty dream with lots and lots of sex.
Then gifts falling from a bag.
Kissing and phones ringing. Finding she had to go. But we still had three hours.
More kissing and just being.
Almost too much detail to be a dream, yet too dreamlike to be real. I know it wasnt, no matter how much I wish it were.

Pretty Plastic

Just barely getting by. Floating through where ever I am. Little smiles in return of hellos. Smiles backed by nothing of happy sorts.
We arent in good spirits today.

Adding "Linger" by The Cranberries to my list of songs I cant listen to without having a full breakdown. Hell, anything by them will do that.

There's no understanding in how I can be so utterly depressed and be the happiest I've been at the same time. There's no understanding anything, now.
No justice. No fairness. I want to see her. I need to see her. And it's just not happening, and there's no real knowing when I will see her.

Eh, no worries about me. I'll be fine. I promise, cross my heart twice.

Do Not Panic. [just run for your lives]

Title is a direct quote from Mr. K in World History today.
It was during our discussion of how the US is going to fall into a hole formed from the fault in Missouri opening up in result of a huge supervolcano in Yellow Stone errupting. And Old Faithful spewing fire. Faithfully, of course.
Crazy conversations in there, what can I say? Though it wasnt as eventful as the past two days.

Not a whole lot to talk about today. A dull day at school, mostly because I was depressed beyond depression this morning. Walking around school on the verge of tears for three hours. Quite pathetic. But oh well, that's me.

Heather keeps getting more great by the second. Bringing more missing and longing and wanting and needing. She's amazing. But that's all you wonderful dears get to know (:


Ouch. Cat just ripped open my side. Pain and sadness... and soon an allergic reaction... oh joy.

Stop

"Chasing Cars"
We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know How to say How I feel
Those three words Are said too much They're not enough
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads
I need your grace To remind me To find my own
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Those are the lyrics to "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. It's a pretty song.
I was upstairs taking pictures because the lighting was pretty and my eyes get intense when I'm depressed. Yea, believe it or not, the crazy girl who's either out of her mind happyhyper or fighting mad gets depressed. So I heard this song, while I was taking pictures, and I actually listened to the words instead of just listening. It's so pretty. I cried. I smiled. I remembered.

I just... I miss her so much right now. Missing just keeps getting worse. And all my feelings get more intense. My happys, my sads, my mads, annoyeds. Everything gets crazy. My memory goes nuts and I'm bring back things I keep away for my own good. Memories from those stairs that take my breath away and makes it impossible for me to do anything else but sit and remember. There's no controling any of it.
So, unexpectedly, I can feel her up against me. I can feel the cement wall behind. I can see her looking at me, I can see her looking at all of me, watching her watch me fall. Both of us knowing we're falling faster than either of us would admit to. I can feel her lips on mine, and my having trouble breathing. Heart beating so fast.
All of it happens unexpectedly. I have to stop. Whether it be in the hallway at school, mid sentence in class, or just sitting doing nothing. No warning. I just stop, and I have to take a deep breath, cover my face, then I'm oh kay.

It's all so crazy. So overwhelming. I need to see her. I need to feel her for real.

Rule Of Thumb

Another crazy day in World History.

Learned where the phrase "rule of thumb" comes from. The funniest thing I've heard all day. He got done explaining it and I burst out laughing then continued to laugh for the next three minutes. Ah, insanity.

So for those of you who dont know where it came from, I'm going to pass the knowledge on to you fine people. Even though I have no clue who most of you are. Or if there are even anyone there reading. Who knows. ANYWAY, story: So rule of thumb comes from the Middle Ages, where the rule was that men couldnt beat their wives with sticks thicker than their thumbs.

I laughed so hard.

other things... I am strictly a cat person. No dogs for me. *note: creative writing.

Also, according to Mr. Krambeer: God gave us thumbs to play video games.
And forming a hierarchy is in human nature. Put two people in a room together, one kills the other and viola, you have a hierarchy. Ah, I love this man.

My revolution, though, was about evolution.
Theory states we evolved from walking crouched over/on all fours to upright. Does that mean that when we evolve further, are we going to fly?




Basically, my day blew. And keeps blowing harder.

Those are some FINE copying skills

A long day, but not bad. But not good either. Funny stuff the last two hours though, crazy mood swings, and four- Count 'em FOUR - lovely messages from my fabulous girlfriend. By the time school got out, I was a happy camper. Though that's not out of the ordinary. Of course I'll be happy when school's over. (:

So, we'll chronicle the good times that happened today. Because there's just too much bad to document. Plus, good is far more rare.

Starting with English, because it comes first::
talking about how words are made up- "take turtle, and neck, shove them together, and you get a shirt!" That's it for that class...

Now, World History was where all the wit was hidden:::

• Talking about the cavemen getting food:: "He looks at the animal and thinks 'How do I get that in here?' He didnt just go 'GET IN MY BELLY!!'. Who says that anyway? *Fat Bastard* Fat Bastar... I forgot what his name was..."
• "Monotheism is...?" *worshiping ONE god* "And Polytheism is worshiping parrots"
• "When they had a headache, their friend would just come and chisel a peice of their skull off to take off the pressure of the extra blood in there. They're like 'Does your head feel better?'... 'Uh... NO!' Maybe they should have cut off his toe. Then his head would have felt better"
• I'm the only one who caught this one... I dont think it was a joke:: "You need a lot of imagination when you study history... You cant really imaginate where a comma goes" YES, he said 'IMAGINATE'
• "It's difficult to really understand history. I cant pull out photographs to show you what prehistoric times looked like. They must not have had flash on their cameras.."
• More on having to have imagination, and having fun asking what if...:"What if Osama's mom was nicer to him as a child? Would he have turned out better?"
• "Paleolithic Age means *pause* A long time ago"
• Talking about how cavemen died a lot earlier: "He walks into a cave, and there's a bear... tough luck"

Then we got our nifty little packets. And it had four pages copied onto ONE. I got mine and went "Boy, those are some FINE copying skills!"

So yus, those are thing things that cracked me up. Though World History is last period and I was about as out of my mind as possible...

And it goes without saying, though I'll say it anyway: I miss Heather... tons.

Otherwise known as an orgy?!

I am going to die.
I am a mess.

She's in my mind, taking my concentration away from anything and everything I'm doing. I think about kissing her. I think about holding. I think about being with her. I think so hard that I can feel my lips on hers, I can feel her in my arms. Proving once again that she's a part of me.Such a huge part of me. I miss her so much. I need to be with her.

I cried so hard last night. Till I was so exausted that I didnt even remember falling asleep till I was woken up by my phone ringing. I was so glad she called. I miss her so...

To lay beside you would be a dream come true. I dont think I'd believe it was you. My days are dreamlands. And I dont even know if you truely exist. Are you just my imagination, dreaming up phone conversations and hope that's eating me alive? Or could you really be real? An amazing angel that's got my heart? So many questions and so few answers. Knowing only that I feel spectacular apart from the missing, the needing, that's crawling just under my skin, simulating the skin crawling itch associated with withdrawal.

I am a mess.
Why in the HELL do we have to be so far away?
All I do is pace. And sing. And sit and cry. Too much, almost. Too much, almost, to deal with. But not too much, not too much to give up. No giving up. I couldnt ever. I'd wait forever, if it meant she was mine and I, in turn, was hers. All good things are worth waiting for. She's spectacular. Perhaps that means I have to wait longer. It doesnt matter. I'll get to her sometime. And that's when the world will implode and Utopia will break into my world and completely turn me upside down.



Soon, perhaps. Later, perhaps. But it will happen.

Deliiiiiirium

Went to bed at tenish last night, because I was on the phone. You all know who with, there's no question.
So I'm sleeping all fine and dandy then my phone rings at three thirty this morning. It's that one ring tone that means a person I want to talk to is calling me. I look at the ID and it's... MICHAEL. Two weeks, and he's decided to call me at three thirty in the a.m. on a school night. But it's alright, because he's calling me. So I talk to him, and before I know it, it's FIVE THIRTY. I get up at six. There's no point in my going back to sleep. So I get up and take my shower, get ready and I'm actually awake.
I get through about half of the day and then I CRASH. I was exausted for the rest of the day.
On top of this, my bag is SO heavy. And the things dont sit right in it, so I have a HUGE sweltering, bruising, painful THING on my back. Then, THEN, in p.e. we did one minute sit up physical fitness CRAP. The mats werent out so we were on the CRAPPY gym floor because they cant put a DECENT one in. I have bruises up and down my spine from where my backbone grinded *literally* against the wood and cement. ouch...

At home, my head is thobbing, I'm about to pass out, dizzy, and feeling very ill. But then my phone rings and like normal, everything's good. Except for the fact that I'm completely out of my mind with delirium. She's so sweet. I love her so much.

I miss her...

Gloom and Melancholy

Day two was twice as horrid as the first.

Severe detatchment from everyone. No one seems to give a shit about what I have to say. But there's no saying it was never like this. It's just more appearent at present. What with no one here to talk to. No one who DOES care.
Michael doesnt call. Heather cant.
Micahel wont come over. Heather's too far away.

Those two people made me feel good. Made me feel better. One continues, but her being so far away is certainly testing my coping skills. The other has been failing at this task for some time now, and is continuing to plummet till there's just no relief what so ever.

I'll leave with that.

Head aches and Heart throbs

As you all probably know, I STARTED SCHOOL TODAY.
What a wreched place...

I had a headache all day long. I settled into the motions of the day and it was like we never lefted. No summer, just the same old thing over and over again.

Good did come out of the day, though. Some funny happenings because for SOME reason, I'm a hell of a lot more outgoing at school. I'm crazy.

In advanced algebra, first hour, Mrs. Hinton was writing down where everyone was sitting, and she goes "You're so quiet today... Well, except for *Erro*" *giggles, I love my alias (:*

Second hour brought beautiful art class. I love Mrs. Winter. She went over what we were going to do, then she showed us the nifty 'lockdown bucket'. It's a great white plastic bucket that has a bag of first aid supplies, a 'Need First Aid' sign, and a laminated peice of paper that on one side is red and the other is green that serves as a signal. And to top it all off, there's a neon orange vest. I asked Mrs. Winter what it was for, laughing she relied "It's for the teachers to wear so the people know who to shoot!" It was hilarious.

Third hour was P.E. and I arrogantly walked in proclaiming "DONT WORRY, I'M HERE!" as half of my classmates stared blankly down at me making an ass out of myself. Then class meetings, where I sat rebelliously up on the top row and made comments about everything that was said. Then refused to vote for any of the girls and instead vote for the dumbest guys in my class to be president.

Fourth hour was chorus. I love that class. Mrs. Helgerson walked in to the room while I was in a conversation with Keri about how I'm never having sex with a man. Should have seen the look on her face. Priceless. Then lunch where I pondered the sad fact that all the other tables in the lunchroom would pack till there was no room to eat before anyone would come sit at our mostly empty table. Ah, to be an outcast... you get all the room you want!

Fifth was study hall... uneventful to say the very least.

Sixth was Biology. Mr. Tweedy is a child molester. Not a good class.

Seventh, though, was better. I love Mrs. Rule. And I love English. I sit right up front. Mrs. Rule stepped on the strap to my bag and goes 'Sorry' then looks down... "Oh, I thought that was your foot! It's only your bag" *laughing* "My legs arent that long!" Then she replies "I know what that's like!" You see, Mrs. Rule is barely five foot tall, if that. She's one of the few people that I might be taller than. It was great.

The last class was World History. Mr. Krambeer is hilarious in a dorky fashion that may be hawt if I was straight and he was ten years younger.

After school, my mom informed me that my letter came from Heather. I was exstatic. I got home and read it and almost cried... I love that girl!


So that was my wonderous day. I am not looking forward to the morrow...

Cupcake, You Kill Me

Megan, you're right.... School (:

Speaking of which, which I was planning on speaking about anyway, School starts *dun Dun DUUUN* tomorrow. But I'm not that upset about it. It'll be oh kay. Plus, I want to see a few select people. So it's all good.

Give it a week, it wont be good anymore.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Don't You Fake It. Wonderousful album. Go listen to it. Well, if you dont want to listen to the whole thing, listen to My Guardian Angel. A beautiful song.

In other news that none of you give a shit about:::
I have no other news. *big cheesy grin*

Yesterday I bought a 754 page Vouge magazine. That's 750 pages of drool worthy female wanking material. I'm camping happily. *laughs* But really though, these girls are gorgeous. Makes me miss Heather...

Did I mention school's tomorrow? And that I'll sob myself to oblivious sleep tonight, only to realize that in the morning when my alarm is going off, that it actually is happening. It's quite depressing. Hopefully, though, my slumber will be less stressful than last night's. A terribly scary dream of being chased for three days by a man with a gun. Running up and down stiars and riding countless elevators. Then having the man turn into a wolf monster bigger than the buildings in downtown Des Moines. The dream continues with him killing gobs of people but finally the police electrocuting him into a pile of ash. Very stressful stuff.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's entry, where I will tell the utterly enthrawling story of the first day of school.

Tootles (:

A Random Entry About Everything

Woken up this morning by my girl. She called me from the bus going to school. The poor dear had to start today *I dont start till wednesday, more later* But she was excited. Because unlike me, she has somewhat of a social life at school and people talk to her. Yes, very unlike me, who NO ONE except a very tiny handful of friends will talk to the creepy girl who's loud and wears a bit too much makeup some days. She grounded till the end of eternity, but she called on Saturday anyway and we talked most of the day, which was brilliant because I hadnt talked to her in four days and frankly, my head was going to explode from the pulsing of withdrawal that was growing stronger by the millisecond.
Ah, and I got to see her yesterday. She got a lovely webcam. *sigh* she's so cute... and I miss her.

As I mentioned before- School in two days. EEH GAD. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it. Just spend my last two days doing the same thing I've done all summer; a blissful nothing for hours and hours and loathing the return of school. But really, I'll be fine, I'm just being melodramatic.

In other news that means nothing:
I need some makeup. So I'm thinking about going to WalMart. Though I dont know how I'll get there, exactly. I have to figure out my locker situation and put my shelf in it today, so perhaps then we can go. Who even knows...

She

Waking up this morning, I knew it would be a good day.

How? Because I was woken up by my phone ringing and it was none other than... yup, you guessed it (:

She's amazing... and I miss her.
Though the phone calls do help a bit with the longing. But the real antidote to it would be to see her...

Shopping yesterday, it was a glorious time, though twelve hours of it did a number on my legs. I got home and layed on my bed and couldnt move for fifteen minutes because they hurt so badly.
Lots of pretty new clothes. I'm happy (:

School in four days.. it's sad, and depressing. When I think about it, I get almost physically ill...
Maybe that puts into perspective how badly I despise that place.

Oh well, I'll be fine. I've Heather to keep my mind off of the mishaps that are bound to happen. It'll be oh kay.



I'll be oh kay.

Dreaming

My dreams are bringing me to her. But also telling me the longing is getting unbearable.

I keep myself busy during the day, so it doesnt overtake me.

Dream::

I'm sitting in a car, waiting for her. She was grounded but she was working on this car I was sitting in. I surprise her and she gets in and starts to drive. We drive to a park and stop. She looks at me and goes "We should go back, but since we're here, do you want to get in the back and mac?" I laugh and OF COURSE we get in the back. Then her phone rings and she gets in trouble, so we have to leave.


I miss her... and I cant breathe.

More Waiting...

More waiting... it wont be this week.

Sometimes I cant breathe when I think about it...
Then I think of her, and my breath is completely taken away.

She makes me stop breathing...
I miss her so...

Withdrawal

Today was complete mayhem.

Crazy skin crawling, trembling, cant breathe withdrawal...

Call me insane. I dont care. I need to see this girl or my body will completely implode.







Soon... soon...

I lied

I lied when I said I wasnt going to write...

It's virtually impossible. Though, as you have noticed, I leave a hell of a lot of details out.


In other news:
The Boyfriend got his lip pierced... I'm so jealous (:

Dreams

I passed out last night, right in the middle of a lovely day dream...

But it carried over into my actual dream, so it was good.


Not really anything anyone needed to know, but I wanted to write an entry. Though no one gets to know what the dream was about... well maybe except for one person...



I am never going to have sex with a man.
well THAT was completely random...


I'm completely out of my mind in love with Heather...

What If

I would have seen her today... I would have spent the night with her tonight... Then spent tomorrow with her. Then another night and part of Sunday.

It would have been bliss. Makes me wonder what I would have been doing right now if things would have stayed the way they were planned.


This need hurts like mad. I want to be with her, I need to be with her...

I don't have anything to say...

I have no words. Just feelings that are too complex and special to me to share with anyone whom I haven't yet. If you haven't heard about them, then screw you, you're not going to.

Just for anyone who may be a loyal reader and gives a shit about what I'm talking about:: I may not be making many posts in the next however long I want to... Because I don't feel like sharing anything right now... I'm going to drown myself in these feelings, completely asphyxiate on them, and die the most glorious death that one can die without actually resulting in demise.
I'm sorry. I just don't want to write right now. I want one thing, and I'm not going to do anything else till I get it. Damn it.


Until Next Time. Fare thee well, until I return.

And Now

I was at Starbucks.


Relived that day last night. That weekend. In detail. Bringing back all the emotional overload that I was under the entire weekend. Laying there, trembling, just as I had then. I could see everything there in front of me.

If the events of this week hadnt happened the way they did, I'd spend all of tomorrow preparing for the weekend... It's sad to think about. So we wont go there. So much excitement Sunday night... anticipation. No knowing it was going to go away. I keep thinking it was something I did... something I did wrong causing me to be punished in a most cruel way. But we werent going there...


It's hard to believe all of what's happened, in such a short amount of time. So much traveling, through myself, weaving myself through emotion.

So much is going through my head right now. Missing, longing, happy, sad... I need a way. Anyway that is thrown at me. Absolutely anything... Get me there. Please.

Time

It's been a month.
Since the hotel. The stairs.

A month ago, right now, I was freezing and in a bad mood. Under no impression that anything spectacular was going to happen. But I'm glad I didnt know.










How time flies, when you're falling in love

Me

I am nothing but a girl, with no real reason to be recogonized.
I havent done anything spectacular, I've led a simple life.
Nothing extremely tragic has happened to me.

But in a sence, I have lived life to fullest, already. In my short life I have achieved the single greatest thing that can be achieved. I've fallen in love, with my whole heart, my entire being.

I am no one you know. No one you need to know. I hold no vital information, I dont know the cure for anything. I'm not going to save the world. I wont be president of any country and I wont fight any wars. But my life will be full, even if it is relatively uneventful.

I am one person on this earth of over two billion. I really dont matter. Few people have heard my name and even fewer have heard my voice. I am no one out of the ordinary. And yet I am one of the more extraordinary souls.

Few know me. One has seen my soul. Still, I am the luckiest person. I am not rich, nor am I poor. I have everything I'll ever need.

I am a simple person with complex thoughts. Processes of ration twist through my mind like elaborate spider webs, impossible to follow yet putting out ideas that cannot be matched. I'm intelligent and cannot teach. I have more than one being inside of this body that I call my own. I have learned to love these people, and will never again take anything to make them leave me. Because without them, I am not me.

Call me insane. I may possibly be this. But I am not without. I live my life, and I am fine.

In the pages of this lovely page I've put together is me. With every entry goes part of me.


Enjoy.

Pointless Entry

Over at Michael's again, house sitting. It's very dull here.

I'd write an entry that actually had some significance but I've nothing to write about.

Same things going on. Same missing, same longing.

I dont want school to start. I dont want that place to take up all of my days again. I want to continue spending them at home doing nothing but being. And talking on the phone. I want to spend all day talking with her, because that's the next best thing to actually being with her.

Any one want to come get me and drive me three hours to go see her? Yeah, I didnt think so... dammit.


You will see that I lost another life, but tonight... I'll let you tear it up, if you dont wake me up . But if you tear it, we cant repair it. So please dont wake me, till someone cares... Now no one cares.... - The Missing Frame, by AFI Because that's what I'm listening to.

Melancholy

It's been a... goodbad day.

It's been a wonderful day because I spent most of my time on the phone.

But it's been on of the worst ones I've had in a while, as well.
My party's been postponed... which was the first blow. That stung, because I was so looking forward to seeing her this weekend. And then it was just gone, and the wanting came back twice as bad as I remembered it.
Then I found out why it's been postponed... and that was the second blow. Mom has to undergo radiation. She has a tumor.

All day has been a battle over what's bothering me worse, and guilt when I feel very upset about the party. I'm scared shitless. And I'm missing Heather like mad. So much was put on this weekend. So much excitement. Then I feel guilty, because I shouldnt be upset about it, considering the circumstances. Then I tell myself that it's alright to feel upset about it... because I miss her terribly.

But I can wait longer. Just as long as I can see her again.

Six Hours

I'm surprisingly lucid this morning. With barely six hours of sleep last night, I am shocked I'm not more tired... or in a worse mood.
I'm wide awake and HAPPY... Out of my head just joy.

Seems like I'm out of my head a lot lately...


Four. Four four four four four....

I couldnt sleep last night thinking about it, but that isnt really surprising. Two hours just laying in bed doing nothing but thinking. The time passed so quickly.

Till three in the morning. Then again in my dreams till nine.





I'm so completely out of my mind in love with that girl...

She's Back

She's home. She's back.

Celebration Begins!


Five days... that's it... I'm excited.
And I cant breathe when I think about it...

The Glowing Girl

When I wake up, it's completely dark in my room. For some reason, the hall light isn't illuminating the outline of my door. Void of all light, I think this must be what it's like to be blind. But something catches my eye, which seems impossible. Then, I see her.

A little girl, wearing a night gown that is so poorly put together that it barely covers her. Some how, I can see her, almost as if she's radiating light. A flash of the brightest light explodes from her, and she's completely glowing. I can see her clearly. Cuts cover her face, her arms and legs. Her eyes are empty. Black holes. It looks like she's crying, black streaks streaming down from her eyes. Her lips are chapped so badly that they are on the verge of bleeding.

She's standing at the foot of my bed, staring at me. Rocking back and forth ever so slightly, almost like she's having a hard time balancing. I cant move, cant breathe, cant utter any sound. I'm just staring back at her, even though I want more than anything to look away. I blink my eyes and she's next to my bed, where I'm laying. There's no thinking at this point. I feel like a deer in the headlights. She opens her mouth, and lets out the loudest sound I've ever heard. More than one voice coming from this little thing. Millions of screams in so many different voice ranges. My hands fly up to my ears but do nothing to block out the noise. Hours seem to pass and it never stops. She just keeps screaming. The blackness pouring out of her eyes now, covering her white night gown. Then she just stops and everything's silent again. My ears are ringing.

Another blink, and her hands are around my neck. Not in a way to strangle me, but she's holding on to my neck, her thumbs on the arteries in my neck. She's counting my heart beats, out loud, in a song. Haunting numbers along with a nursery-rhyme like tune. One hundred and then she's gone. My room is back to the black it was before. I fall asleep but dream of her, sending me bolting up, drenched in sweat. I lay in bed for hours till light fills my room. I look over the side of my bed, and there on the floor are two pools of black liquid. She was here.

Moment

Quiet. Just the sound of the AC running in the massive building. Quiet. That's all I can hear. Quiet. And my heart beating so fast I'm amazed that it hasn't broken through my rib cage. But seeing how hard it is to breathe, I believe my heart has done some damage to my lungs. Or maybe it's just the weight of the majik. The weight of the moment.
Quiet. The quietest she's been all weekend. Quiet. And breathing. The sound of kissing. And the silence of my mind. It's always so loud, voicing it's opinion of everything. But now, it's silent. Surrendering to the emotion that's pouring into my soul. A transfer of life. In those kisses, she laced herself through me. In through my lips, through her hand that's taken mine.
We're moving in slow motion, whilst everything around us is moving a million times faster than it's norm. The time difference is disorienting. But we take no notice.
Climbing up. I cant control my motor functions, at all. It's a wonder how I'm even moving. We continue our exchange. Then I'm remembered. And she's embedded in my soul. Just like that, up two flights and she's gone. Both knew it was coming. The sting wasn't present, not yet, and it wasn't anticipated. Quiet. My laughter, laughing over the weight of my emotions. No moving, frozen where we had been. Laughing, because that's the only thing I can do.
Soon, longing will set in. But now, I'll drown in these feelings. Cherishing the moments that have passed.

Confusion

An odd mixture of dreams last night. They are slightly difficult to decifer.

:::DREAMS:::

I'm meeting two girls. I dont know why. We're in a house, and I really have no idea what went on. It's weird.

I'm in the same house, but I'm with Heather. We're carrying on and my parents come in. I think they know. Heather and I watch a movie then go to bed. Another weird one that I'm only getting bits of.

A shopping center? Sleeping in a barn. I'm just getting pictures, and that's what I get from it.

:::END:::

It was very weird. Too dream like and choppy for my liking. Hopefully we'll have a full dream tonight. One of those that you cannot forget about for days, because you can actually feel everything that's gone on. I love those.


In other news, that is far more boring than my dreams:::
It's over to The Boyfriend's house today. We have to get the key, because they are leaving for Colorado for a week. They'll get back the day I leave for Des Moines, so I wont see him for a while. Not like that's any different from the past two months, anyway.


I'll write more later, I'm in a writing mood. Probably because I didnt get a halfway decent dream, so I need to write to make uo for it...

Until Then

Longing

Sitting here, stuffing my face with Teddy Grahams, listening to that song. I believe I'm driving myself crazy. I miss her terribly. I want to see her. And everytime I think about it, I cant breathe. A week and a half. A week and a half till I can see her.

Yesterday was a full day, up in my room, watching America's Next Top Model, and thinking about nothing else but her. An entire day of just her. I didnt plan it, it just happened. I didnt try to do anything else, just her. Hours and hours up in my room. Then hours spent laying in bed attempting to sleep, but not succeeding because I cant stop thinking about her and my cats tearing my room apart. But it was worth it. Just laying there for so long, it was nice.
There's this thing I do, when it's completely dark. I can feel her next to me, and if I try hard enough, I can see her. And for a while, I'm content.

Day dreams, memories, and phone calls. That's what I have now. A time line, leading to that day. But even though it's crazy, this missing, this longing, I wouldnt want it to be gone. I love doing it, because I know she loves me. That's all that matters.
The way she is with me... it's amazing. She calls me all the time, she says the sweetest things. She loves the way I love. And I love it.


In other news:::
My cats are driving me bonkers. Last night, for the two hours that I couldnt sleep, they were running around in my room, knocking over whatever they could get their paws on. They run around chasing eachother and jump on the bed, run across it, jump off and do the whole thing over and over again till I'm so mad that there's no way I'll be able to sleep. Jacquolynne got up on my table with all my make up stuffs on it and got one of my necklaces down and was chewing on it. Then this morning, I was woken up by almost the exact same sinario. And I was pissed.


I love those little demons...

Happy August

Ten days till the possibility of seeing her.

Twenty-two days till I have to go back to that HORRID place.

A month and six days till I'm sixteen.

That's what's happening, enthrawling, I know.


In Other News:::
The Boyfriend doesnt seem to be breaking up with me. I asked him about that whole little thing and he denied it. Of course it's probably just a rumor, I mean, Rachel said it. But I dont think I'm going to completely blow it off yet. I dont like bad surprises.

I actually slept last night! I barely dreampt, which ticks me off. I love dreams. But I do suppose I do enough day dreaming to make up for my loss of night dreaming. Most of my sleeping was brought on by the fact that Heather asked me to. Because I havent been sleeping and she doesnt want me to get sick. *cue: AWWWWW*
She's such a sweetie. I admit I was a bit psychotic last night, because I was tired and excited that I was talking to her. I cant believe she put up with me. I must be getting extremely comfortable with her. It takes me a while to go completely crazy. But I love her and she I. So it's all fine and dandy.

So I am pleasently awake this morning. And my insanity is still present. I'm a chatter box this morning.

Happy August!