Letters to Heather

Something therapeutic. If you don't like it, don't read it. I just needed to put it somewhere. There may be more, so stay tuned. Oh, and if you have any comments, advice, rants, or would just like to put some sense into me- feel free. The third skull and cross bones takes you to my comment board.


Dear Heather,

There's lots of things going through my head as of now. Lots of emotions, many of which I would like to forget about because they hurt. And no matter how many excuses I come up with to push the truth away, none of them block the fact that this is, indeed, your fault.
When I got that email, telling me what was happening, I tried my hardest not to cry. Sitting here on this computer, with my mom in the other room- I didn't want to cry because I didn't want to explain it to my mother. I wished that I had been at school, because I would have cried there, without restraint. But I was and am at home sick and I have to hide my unhappiness.
When she went to go get the girls from school, I turned up our song and bawled. I cried so hard, I was practically screaming. This went on for an hour before I felt even remotely better. All the pain coming out in gasps and odd noises I'd never heard myself make before. But then, I couldn't blame you, because I had no idea what had brought it on.
The next day, you woke me up, just as you had so many times before. You told me what had happened. It's probably a good thing your phone cut out. There was something inside of me, that just snapped. I sat up in bed, hoping you'd call back. Twenty minutes passed and you didn't. I let go then. I was so mad. So upset. I came to the conclusion after talking to myself for a half an hour, that you had been right. Way back in July, that first day you talked to me following that weekend, you'd told me I couldn't fall in love with you. Because you'd hurt me, it was just something you did. And you didn't want to do that to me. I convinced myself that you wouldn't. It wouldn't happen. But you were right. This hurts like hell.
Yesterday, I went to school for homecoming. Just to see some friends because I was literally going out of my mind. I told a select few what happened. And somehow, I wasn't mad. Not really. Sure, you held the blame. You're the one who messed it up. But it was messed up from the very beginning. We lived so far away. I was making excuses, trying to make sense of why it happened. And for a while, I was oh kay with it.
It wasn't till last night, laying in bed, talking to you- not really you, just pretend you- that I realized that it wasn't oh kay. I wasn't oh kay. I was crying, crying for so long wishing someone, anyone, was there to hold me. I finally just cried myself to sleep, not waking again till six this morning.
Today, I haven't cried, I haven't felt like it either. I miss you, like hell. And I've come to a conclusion after just mere days of a very long journey I'm about to set out on. I love you, I believe I have since the first time I talked to you. Sure, I was upset. I'd have to be completely out of my mind if I wasn't. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who's at fault. I love you all the same. I told you I would forever, and I will. Nothing changes that. I miss you now, maybe even more than I ever have. Wishing I could see you again, even if it was just one last time. I'm wishing you'd call, because so many things are still so unclear to me.
I want to know what I'm supposed to do now. Is there a chance that I will ever see you again, no matter how far in the future it is? Am I supposed to move on and look back on these past few months and smile? Or am I supposed to hang on, hoping that one day you'll call, telling me everything's alright now? So many questions that I fear will never be answered.
I'm here, always. Contact me however, if you'd like. I love you. I always will. I promise, cross my heart twice. And if in the future, after so long, you do find me, I'll drop everything, for you.

Nothing is better or sweeter than you. You are my forever.

Endlessly,
[Erro] -- I'm still not giving anyone who hasn't figured out my real name the answer.


Now, any comments, advice, kind words, harsh words, anything, I'll take them.