Masochistic

A certain sort of happiness has come about right now.
This coming from a complete hour of crying so hard that I was basically screaming. I don't really have a voice right now.

It's almost like a refusal to believe any of it, creating a faux-happiness.
And yet, I'm still optimistic of future events, even if I really don't believe they will ever come to live other than pretty day dreams played out to save the last shred of hope and sanity that I have.

Funny, only one person knows what happened.. What I'm talking about...
I called Michael in the midst of my hysterics, when I had calmed enough to utter a few short sentences before I launched into it again. Though he was roaming so he only knows that I'm upset. He probably wasn't the best of choices to call, but I was in a rough spot, and he's the only one I could have called. I was surprised that he answered.

It hurts. I am in physical pain. I think I pulled something when I was breaking down. Perhaps I burst my spleen... who knows.


Last night, I deprived myself of sleep, reading over old entries. Laughing at how sarcastically witty I can be. I am finding wit in everything. Perhaps a sad attempt of getting myself smiling again. Or maybe it's the utter lack of any human contact. I think I am going insane.