Remembering You

Looking at this girl, I'm finding it hard to breathe. I dont even know her name yet, let alone what she's like. Already, I want to know her. She's got this way about her. Something it seems like only I'm picking up on. Something telling me I need to know her.

Starbucks, laughing till I cant breathe. I snort when I laugh hard, and around new people, I get self concious about it. But with her, I really couldnt care less. I dont care about what the people at the counter are thinking. I dont care that my laughter is bouncing off the walls of the tiny cafe. I dont care that my boyfriend is standing, waiting for his fifth coffee and I havent been paying any attention to him. I dont care about anything, except the fact that she's sitting next to me, laughing at me laughing.

After the formal, she was out there, with Alex. I couldnt breathe when I saw her. My eyes refused to leave her. I felt almost foolish for wanting to be next to her. Was I reading her wrong? Or had she actually been flirting with me all day? It was hard to tell, I really wasnt that aware of flirting, directed towards me or coming from me. Simply put, I dont know how to flirt actually. Not really.

That night, when I was supposed to be coming up with something to say the next day for intros, she's what was on my mind. Though there was no admitting to it then.

Rehersals and interviews and talking on stage. She's what I thought about. Her sister was the only other person who talked to me that weekend. Before I knew it was her sister. And I was couincidentally placed next to her. Weird.

She was sitting at a table in the bar with Michael and Alex's mom. Such a queer scene. It was different. But comfortable. I was finishing his drink and looking at her over the top of the glass. So effin' adorable. I watched her. Then we went to Starbucks, again.

All the way there, we were talking, walking ten steps in front of everyone else. Not paying attention to them. I was watching her, as I always did. More laughing at starbucks, and her beside me. Then she had to leave. And she did, with not much more than "I have to go". But that's how she is.

Before the pageant, she was standing in line. I touched her, and I walked by, my stomach did a complete three sixty both up and down and sideways.

Up on stage, smiling for endless hours. I kept a smile on, knowing she was out there, in the audience. Finally, no more standing wearing a fifty pound dress, forced to smile. I was exhausted from the weekend. After it was over, she found me. I kept saying I was going to die. She asked me what's one thing I wanted before I died. One word from my mouth- "You." and my face turned red. As did my neck and chest. I was bright red in a light blue dress. The colors clashed. She told me she could help with that. I just needed to let her know when I was dying. I told her I would. Listerine, all over me, making me smell like a tube of toothpaste. She was right up against me as I tried to get it away from her. Flirtation was at maximum preportions then. I felt like I was glowing.

I watched her at the cake reception. Hoping that some how I'd see her again, someday.

Then up in the room, I heard a knock. It was her. I welcomed her in and that's where she stayed, till we went down to the pool. Her shoes off and pants rolled up, feet in the water beside me. I watched her. The entire time. Then she left.

And then she came back. And asked me if I wanted to walk with her, for ten minutes, before she had to go. There's no way I could have told her no. So we went. To those stairs. Where so much of my time is spent. Time that still almost no one knows about. No one knows, really, what happened. Details too precious to share. Ever. Those stairs, that motel, that weekend- that's where I spend my time. Endless hours spent with this angel, until I can spend real hours, with real her. Not just the glorious memory of her.

Hard times, being without her for so long. Knowing I cant be there for her, not exactly. It's so hard to keep going. But I wouldnt give it up for anything. I'd never want to make it not have happened. This girl, she changed my life. Showed me what love is. Showed me how wonderful each day can be. Even when they are bad, my days are brilliant. All because of her.



I'm planning on telling my mother tonight. I'm nervous and excited. I dont know how she'll react. But she needs to know. I cant keep it from her. Wish me luck, though I dont believe I'll need much. I've got Heather, and that's all I'll ever need.