Another Entry called Melancholy

I've fallen, it seems, into a permanent state of hurt that doesnt go away. No matter how much I laugh or smile. No matter how many people I surround myself with- my mind never leaves her. Never leaves the bitter fact that she's the one person I want to see yet she's the one that I cannot.
Do I seem happy to you? It's getting awfully tiring to keep it up. Can you see the longing there in my eyes? That's all I see when I look in the mirrior. I smile, I laugh, I look in the mirror and no matter what my mood, my eyes are dark, tired, mirroring my hurt that I keep inside of me.
But I think to myself: If this hurts so bad that it's making me exhausted keeping it up, why am I continuing? Some would say 'you're less happy now than when you didnt have her. Why carry on?'
Simple: They are wrong. I'm not less happy. Sure- my lows are lower than ever before. But the same can be said about my highs. You should see me after I've been on the phone with her. You should see me after I've been talking about her. Somehow, she brings a feeling of belonging, hope, love that I've never felt before. Even when she is so far away. This shows, to a degree, what it's like to be around her. Everything's better by neverly 50 fold.
It may seem insane to you. For me to put myself through this. But I'm really not. There's no helping it. I couldnt get out even if I wanted to. And it goes without saying that that's the last thing I want to do.
In her is home, belonging, the very thing I've been searching for all along. In her is everything I've ever wanted. I wont ever give that up.

Heather, If you're here---

I miss you.

Top Ten Ways to Waste a Saturday on the Internet

This list has been researched over a period of about two years. Studies have shown that this is the most effective way to waste a Saturday on the interweb. WHOO!

10. Set up a blog somewhere and write as many posts as possible.
9. One word: YouTube
8. Google image search inatimate object you can think of
7. Find a message board about something you know nothing about. Post inane questions.
6. Visit every sight that comes up when you Google search the word 'The'
5. Make accounts on all the websites you can find that offer them for free
4. visit www.dead-baby-joke.com (Warning- not for the easily offended)
3. See what happens when you Google search 'Google' (will the world explode?)
2. See how long you can search through pictures at www.photobucket.com
1. Make a top ten list of dumb things you've done and post it on the blog you set up in number ten.


It works wonderfully.

You're never going to fit in much, Kid.

This week has been bitter sweet.

Lots of phone calls keeping me up when I'm about to pass out. But I'd never give that up. I'd take being exhausted the next day to do that every night. Needless to say- nostalgia. Also, needless to say that this aspect was my sweet of this week.

Bitter, just as I have become, because I came to the harsh realization that I dont have friends. Fueling pitiful fits of tears keeping me awake rather than the brighter alternative stated above. I have people at school that talk to me, but very few people could actually say they like me. This could be for multiple reasons such as: I am too over the top, too crazy, too smart, too loud, too obnoxious. Anything. But I've now come to peace with it and it doesnt sting as it did the other night.

I went to dinner with Michael last night. He called after a two week disappearance and asked if I wanted to go. We went to Subway. Then we went to WalMart. I love that place. It was an odd sort of meeting. Sure, the boy's great and I love him. Yes, I know he's beautiful, he's a beautiful boy. But I seem to be absolutely not attracted to him like I used to be. For his sake, I tried. I couldnt conjure up that burning want from before. Instead, I found myself thinking about Heather most of the time. Wishing she'd call.

And now we're on that topic. So brace yourselves kiddies- You're about to hear, again, about her. I'm finding that that missing, the longing that's always present is something of the norm now. Though it never leaves, I know that when it does, it will feel very odd. It's just a part of me, I suppose. Just as she is. Four months in November. 117 days since I've seen her. It's hard to believe that little number is indeed how long it's been. It seems so much longer. And the road of endless days ahead doesnt help in the least. But I find condolance in the fact that one day, that road will end and standing at the end, she'll be standing there. That final mile will be like dying. I'll sprint. And when I do die, she'll be my heaven. The wait over, that's the only thing that keeps me going. She's the one thing, being, that's kept me alright. I try to think about how I would have survived these past couple months without her. I cant. Even though this missing has made it difficult, not having met her, not having had her to talk to, to keep me content- might have proved disasterous.

Stay tuned for later. I may have to write again. More insight to how this world works. Perhaps.

Who thought it was possible to have a cool teacher?

Mr. Black: A. Fire. Inside. Inside what?
Me:It's a band.
Mr. Black: Punk rock?
Me: Kind of.
Mr. Black: Are you a punk rocker?
Me: uh, I guess...
Mr. Black: You like to hang in the mosh pit? Are you a mosher?
Me: No. I'm more of an emo kid.
Mr. Black: Nemo.
Me: no. Emo. E-M-O.
Mr. Black: I know what emo is. And from what I know what emo is, you're really not.
Me: Yeah, you better know what emo is!

Some crazy day today was.
Weirdo happy mood which spawned lunatic-like hyperness that made me so loud and obnoxious that I dont know how ANYONE could stand me.
I guess I was in a good mood because of yesterday. And because I'm completely out of my mind.

Another good thing: My Greatest Friend in the World, Keri, was in a fabulous mood today. Everything's wonderful when she's in a good mood.

Not a whole lot else to say... So until later.

Chaos Reigns

As you can see, I've yet another new blog template.
This is by far my favorite and I spent the most time on it. All of yesterday, to be exact.

Hope you likes as much as I do!




more later.

The Most Effin' Awesome Song.

Welcome to The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance.

Absoulutely amazing. I love this song!

Time Flies By

Today we set up a photo session with a photographer to take pictures to send to the agency.
After that I go to either New York or Chicago to shoot for Abercrombie, I believe.
All of this is going so fast...

I'm wondering what's going to happen when it all starts. How much will I be traveling? What will being on a plane be like? What happens to people here at home when I'm not here?
So many things going through my head and I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

I miss Heather so badly, I can conjure up the memory of her. I can feel her hands in mine, her back under my hands holding her in my arms as I pull her towards me to kiss her...
It's all so stressful and wonderful and it hurts.

But everything will be oh kay.

Letters To Heather Part Six

Dear Lovely, Sweet Heather,

The past two days have been bliss compared to the last four weeks. I've talked to you more than I have in a long time. I saw your brilliance manifested there on my computer screen. Everything has been beautiful. All of my memories, our memories, that I have worked to repress to save myself heartache.

These past two days have been completely about you. I dont know how to put into words how much you mean to me. I dont believe there ARE words to explain it.

I love you so much. And miss you so much more these two days than I have ever. Seeing you there and not being able to reach out and touch you. Not be able to kiss you. It was painful. But I wouldnt have given it up for anything.

I have to go put myself into sleep. Hopefully a sleep filled with your presence.

Love,
Erro

I told you so

Yesterday was by far the absolute best day I've had in a very long time.
Even though the missing was so bad that I was in physical pain.
I watched her for hours yesterday, on the web cam. She looks so utterly amazing. I tried for a long time not to just break down right here in front of the computer screen. It worked for a while, but then I surrendered and bawled like the baby I am. Just crying because I felt so good and so bad all at the same time. It was overwhelming. But it was wonderous.

Dreampt of her last night. Had a grand time to say the very least.

Today has just been wide eyed wonder. Wondering if she'll be on again. Wondering how I got so lucky. Wondering how I could ever come up with the words to finally prove to her how amazing she is. My mind doesnt form thoughts in speakable terms. But in ways that only I can understand what's going on. This could be because of my mental instability. No, it is, no doubt.

My very few faithful and regular readers are sick and tired of hearing about her. BUT YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Though, Megan sees now how I can talk so much about her. She's amazing, isnt she, Megan?

H.E.A.T.H.E.R.

I

love

this

girl.

Waiting by the stairs... ONE BIG DARK ROOM

"But she doesnt listen to anyone... so there's no point in telling her anything."

A comment made about yours truely by one of the greatest people in the world.
I believe this person knows me well, or so it seems.
I am stubborn beyond belief. If I've got something in my head, there's not a whole lot that can change my mind.

I've spent the majority of the day talking to myself out loud walking down the halls and loudly arguing with myself. And really, that isnt out of the ordinary. I've just become more vocal about it than keeping it within my head. Do I sound insane yet?

Just took the color quiz. It's a fun personality quiz at http://www.colorquiz.com
My results? Here-

Your Existing Situation
Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.
Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. However, she believes that there is little she can do and that she must make the best of the situation.

Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

Your Actual Problem
Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of demonstrating her worth.


If I have an accurate account of myself, that was almost dead on. How they know so much by me just randomly picking colors, I will never know.
I absolutely love personality tests. (:

When all else fails, marry your brother!

The girls with me in the bathroom at the park were laughing as we all are changing clothes. We all emerge from our stalls and see two women that were waiting rather impatiently for the stalls to vacate. One of the women took out highlighters and was showing us them while the other was peeing in a urinal. A very awkward scene.
Someone comes in and tells us to put the bottles of juice we were all holding away because the cops were here. I finished washing my hands and threw away the juice then walked out into the dark. I was thouroughly confused at how it had gotten so dark as the police men looked at me oddly.
Catching up with the girls, I realize I'm in the part of town where Katie lives and we're headed to it. I catch up with them and come up beside Heather. I wrap my arm around her waist and continue up to the house. We enter and continue through to Katie's room where we sat and talked. My arms never left Heather, holding her and looking at her letting my eyes soak her up while I had the chance. We kissed and laughed and cuddled for such a long time.

At 1:37 in the morning I was roused from sleep by who knows what and shook me from the euphoric dream. But I drifted in and out of sleep up until I had to get up for school. All night (morning rather?) I was in a very odd sleep-like state, volleying back and forth from rolling over and holding onto Heather.

Today was a mixture of horrid singing and blissful smiles. During study hall I was greeted by a cheerfully titled email from none other than my dream girl.
My friends were confused when I told them what it was about, because they seemed to forget the fact that Heather and I werent technically together. But after a quick reminder of the events of the past couple of weeks, they understood.
In my mind, we were never really apart. I miss her.

Anymore Questions Before We Shut the Door on Alexander?

My wonderful friend- "Was he gay?"
Mr. Krambeer- "I always have to address that question. I watched a movie, which I couldnt get for us because some other school had it, and it said that he had a 'male traveling partner' So to answer your question- yeah, he was probably gay."

No questions asked, I laughed- hard. It was one of those days, again, where Mr. Krambeer was making jokes all class long that only I caught. And proceeded to laugh, making it seem like I'm either insane or retarded. I'm betting on the first one.

All by Mr. K:
"Alex out stratigerized him."
"What do you a call a black man driving an airplane? A pilot... racist!"
"When Alexander set off to conquer all those places, the people didnt really think much of it. They looked the other way and were like 'Good luck with that, Alex!'"
"Someone who was extremely charismatic, or had to be, even though he didnt use it for much good: Hitler. He had to be charismatic to get all those people to do the outrageous things he did. Though telling people you were going to kill them otherwise may have had something to do with it..."

So that was my day. Teachers were very odd today. I spent about ten minutes talking to Mr. Monroe, the P.E. teacher, about the sex toys at Spencer's. When we brought it up, he goes " They have that stuff there? Where is it?!?" It was hilarious, to say the very least.

S.C.H.O.O.L.

this is where I am. First entry posted from school. Arent you lucky?

Though there isnt much to write about.
Festival last night. I sang very well, so well I surprised myself. But I'm not singing well today. All State Practice didnt go very well. Next weekend- the 21st is auditions. I'm nervous.
Last night, I missed Heather so much. I still do. And it has me in a melancholy mood.

Nothing much else...
oh yes, mom got a call from the modeling agency I got contracted to when I was ten-ish.
They want me to start.

Heather's girlfriend's a model. *laughs* Lucky isnt she?
Nah, I'm the lucky one. I've got her.

All This Came To Me In the Shower. You'd have came to me too... if you were there.

I have always been an extremely forgiving person.

In the past, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. For example: always forgiving that one person I was in a relationship with that I dont like talking about. Him, or the relationship. It cut me up, scars are still here. And deep down, there are still wounds- open wounds- struggling to heal. They may never. Only time will tell.
But like I said, my trusting and forgiving gets me in trouble. All those times I forgave him. Only to see that I was going to be hurt more. Over and over again till I could barely get out.

And somehow, even though it hurt so much and I should learn from it. I'm still so forgiving. Things make me mad but I get over them just as quickly as my violent anger sparks. Too many changes in my emotions. I'm beginning to see how unstable I am.

I would do anything to be next to her. Even if just for a couple minutes. Just long enough for me to tell her I love her and to feel her next to me. To take her hand in mine and remember how well it fits. And to kiss her. Then, if she must, she can be taken away from me. I dont want her to be. I want to be with her always. But if that's what must happen, then it shall. Just moments, spare me that.

Another thing I realized while I was showering:
I cannot speak her name. I can write it just fine. I can listen to her saying it on my voicemail. But I, myself, cannot utter it. Maybe sometimes, I can. But not really. Not alone, talking to myself. I can barely speak of her without bringing myself into a state of depression. And yet, thinking about her makes me so happy. I bounce around the house, thinking about her. Then, even though I'd been thinking for hours and being happy about it, everything falls and I miss her so much.
I've realized that over these three months, there hasnt been a time when I havent thought about her. I miss her. I miss Heather.

Bitch in my face if you're tired of this. I dont care. I'll get pissed at you, I promise. You wont get away without a good lecture, perhaps some yelling and maybe me throwing things in the direction of your head. Dont think about giving me shit about moving on or stopping talking about her. Because you know what? I'M NOT GOING TO QUIT.
But, speak now, or forever hold your peace. I'll be sure to hold your peices once I'm finished.

Do you believe in time travel?

Three.


If only it was possible. If only I could do it.


I met her today. Three months ago.
Organic cows were born today. Three months ago.


I'm finding I'm lost. Oxymoron. But it's true.

Off to do algebra. Two days worth. Perhaps you'll get a better put together entry later. But then again, perhaps you wont.

Who knows.

A Pirate's Life For Me

I'm lacking anything worth while to talk about. I do suppose I should be attempting to finish my two weeks worth of World History I just missed... But I do only have one more section. I'm a procrastinator. Sorry.

Now, you all are tired of the over talked about topic of Heather. So I'll spare you this entry. No more mention of this angel. Go.

As I have probably mentioned- I'm going back to school on Monday after my two and a half week long vacation. Though it really wasnt a vacation, because I was barely lucid for half. I'd have taken another week or two to 'recover' because I was enjoying myself after I got over the horridly sick part. But I have festival on Monday and I cannot afford to miss out on any more practice before All State auditions on the 21st. I'm doing spectacularlly compared to last year, though I could use some more practice.

I'm half-watching Donnie Darko right now. I'm not sure I like it. I'm just listening, because the t.v. is in the kitchen and I cannot see it. This rabbit, he sounds familiar. And have you ever seen this rabbit? He's freaking deranged...
But I love Jake Gyllenhaal. He was brilliant in Brokeback Mountain. And he plays a damn good crazy kid.

Fear- noun. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

"If you feel the urge to vomit up there... Just swallow it"

I believe I'm losing my battle. I actually feel crazy, again. I dont think this is good.

Wish me luck

The Sheri Lewis Show- Lamb Chop Anyone?

This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends...


---THIS is quality childrens programming?

LTH- Part... anyone know? I lost count...

For some reason, my fingers are faster to get to the second 'h' in your name before the 't'. So your name usually comes out as "Heahter", which does look normal, because all the letters are there, until it is looked at.

Nothing really. That's why I'm writing. Nothing really to say. But these are the best times to talk to you. Because when there is nothing really to say, the most is said. Too much is left unsaid when there are things to discuss. The things we come upon when there's nothing to talk about are priceless. Priceless memories that are just that now- memories.

I remember talking to you on the phone, once, late at night. The morning, really. Nearly two. I was telling you a story, as you always asked me to. You were so tired, and before I knew it, you were sleeping. That night, I told you a story I didnt normally tell. Not the one about the two girls who met in a motel and fell in love, gradually fast in a Starbucks and in some stairs. Not the one where we relive those feelings. But instead, it was a story about the future. But you were sleeping, and you didnt hear. When I realized that you were sleeping, I was relieved, really. Because I was showing you my hopes and dreams that I wouldnt let myself see.

But now, that's all I see. The future. Our future. Hoping, with everything I am, that there will be a future...

Am I crazy to want to be with you? To want to continue even though this hurts like hell? Did we take things too fast? Did I fall too fast? Was I too willing to give you my heart? Will this keep hurting till there's nothing left? Will I ever see your pretty face again? Will I ever look into those eyes I only got the chance to gaze so lovingly into that weekend? Will I ever feel your body against mine, our fingers entwined, fitting so perfectly? Will I ever get to see the brilliance of you in person, the stark contrast between your beautifully red hair and your shining blue eyes? Will I ever, even once more, feel your lips so close to mine, driving me completely mad, then releasing and kissing me just as I'm about to burst?

So many questions that cannot be answered. So many things keeping me awake at night. Refusing myself sleep to just lay in the dark and think about you. Am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am? I really wouldnt know...

I miss you. Baby, I miss you so much.

Love,
Erro

Why Cant you Hear Me When I'm Calling Out To you?

Odd moods today. Elation and just being weird.
I've been talking to myself too much, I believe.
But really, who else is there to talk to? No one's here enough for me to accurately get myself understood. I'm the only one who can. I'm the only one who's here. Well, not really me, but that other person I always talk to. They should have a name.

I sound insane. I do believe I've gotten there.

I need to see her... Being away and unable is taking it's toll. See?

Happier Times

Feeling good today. Got all of my english done, thank God.

An email from my wonderfully amazing girl. And even though things really havent changed, I'm happy, and in a better place as of right now. It's been a good day.

I'm back to my crazy in love annoying happiness that everyone just adores.

But not a whole lot else going on right now. Nothing interesting to write about, though I may think of something later.

Bon Voyage (:

Part Four of what will be a lot of parts...

I'm finding this helps a lot. So I shall continue.

Dear Heather,
Thank you.
Thank you for the answers, for the good times, for everything. For being you, even though it is hard to deal with all that is you at times. Thank you for the love you've given me, for the love you continue to give. For the hope you give me. Goals and dreams set for the future that wouldnt be there if it werent for you.

I'll never give up on you, on us. You, and all the good times and memories, I will hold onto. For as long as it takes. One day, we'll get there. We'll be together.

And it will be bliss.

Endlessly,
Erro

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

American Version:
Ring around the rosy
a pocket full of posies
ashes, ashes
we all fall down.

English Version:
Ring-a-ring o' rosies
a pocket full of posies
ah-tchoo, ah-tchoo
we all fall down.

Either version is morbid beyond my liking. I hate that nursery rhyme.

The American version's translation:
Ring around the rosey- refering to the rash that was one of the symptoms of the Plague
A pocket full of posies- people often carried around pouches of sweet smelling herbs because it was believed that illness was spread by bad smells.
Ashes, ashes- when someone died, they cremated them.
we all fall down- refering to the stifling amount of deaths: over 60%.

The English version's translation:
Ring-a-ring o' rosies- back to the warding off bad smells
A pocket full of posies- the same as the last translation
Ah-tchoo, ah-tchoo- refering to the violent sneezing attacks that were another symptom of the Plague
we all fall down- same as last.


I found a pattern in most nursery rhymes: they involve death or something violent. Funny, how these are the things we learn first in our lives. Seemingly pretty rhymes put to songs about people dying. This one in particular is almost grotesque.


information about the rhyme taken from: http://www.rhymes.org.uk/ring_around_the_rosy.htm