All This Came To Me In the Shower. You'd have came to me too... if you were there.

I have always been an extremely forgiving person.

In the past, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble. For example: always forgiving that one person I was in a relationship with that I dont like talking about. Him, or the relationship. It cut me up, scars are still here. And deep down, there are still wounds- open wounds- struggling to heal. They may never. Only time will tell.
But like I said, my trusting and forgiving gets me in trouble. All those times I forgave him. Only to see that I was going to be hurt more. Over and over again till I could barely get out.

And somehow, even though it hurt so much and I should learn from it. I'm still so forgiving. Things make me mad but I get over them just as quickly as my violent anger sparks. Too many changes in my emotions. I'm beginning to see how unstable I am.

I would do anything to be next to her. Even if just for a couple minutes. Just long enough for me to tell her I love her and to feel her next to me. To take her hand in mine and remember how well it fits. And to kiss her. Then, if she must, she can be taken away from me. I dont want her to be. I want to be with her always. But if that's what must happen, then it shall. Just moments, spare me that.

Another thing I realized while I was showering:
I cannot speak her name. I can write it just fine. I can listen to her saying it on my voicemail. But I, myself, cannot utter it. Maybe sometimes, I can. But not really. Not alone, talking to myself. I can barely speak of her without bringing myself into a state of depression. And yet, thinking about her makes me so happy. I bounce around the house, thinking about her. Then, even though I'd been thinking for hours and being happy about it, everything falls and I miss her so much.
I've realized that over these three months, there hasnt been a time when I havent thought about her. I miss her. I miss Heather.

Bitch in my face if you're tired of this. I dont care. I'll get pissed at you, I promise. You wont get away without a good lecture, perhaps some yelling and maybe me throwing things in the direction of your head. Dont think about giving me shit about moving on or stopping talking about her. Because you know what? I'M NOT GOING TO QUIT.
But, speak now, or forever hold your peace. I'll be sure to hold your peices once I'm finished.