You like this? Too bad

So here I am on New Year's eve. With no company but that of my cats. (seems like that's all I've got these days). Everyone I know is doing something to celebrate this evening... and I'm here. Alone.
Oh, and I smell of smoke from being with Michael for a mere six hours. Joy.

I've come to the conclusion that this stupid blog was nothing but that... stupid. Who reads it? Who even gives a fuck what I have to say? Honestly now... I cannot name five people who read this piece of shit that I have spent so much time on over the past nearly seven months.

It could be because I'm feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Or maybe this has just been a mistake all along. So until further notice, I don't think I'm going to be posting anything.

Persuade me, if you'd like... it'd be nice to know that people actually look at this. My heart and soul is here on these pages floating around in the Internet, which I believe is a real place. Prove me wrong if you want me to keep writing. Tell me you want to hear more. If not, well, then it's bye-bye to ms. shesintheoubliette.blogspot.com

Endlessly,
Erro

Update 12:00 am January 1, 2007: Happy Fucking New Year.

S iiiiiiii C k

I have acquired some sort of awful illness that refuses to be diagnosed as ANYTHING.
Had a strep test that turned out negative this morning. Oh, what horrid things those are...
So, my lymph nodes in the front of my neck are swollen so incredibly much that the doctor I saw kept feeling them as to reassure her that yes, they ARE really that size. My throat is so sore that it's difficult to eat or drink anything so I've been utterly starving all day long and I can feel myself becoming dehydrated. I have a low but steady fever of right around 99-100 degrees but thankfully I haven't any chills yet. Since I napped earlier, I've been in a sort of fog and I'm contemplating on whether or not I should go back to bed or not. I'm leaning more towards yes but I don't want to waste the last days of my Christmas Break sleeping when I could be surfing aimlessly on my lovely computer.
I'm also kind of/sort of waiting to see if Heather's going to log on today or not. I miss that kid, as always.

Not a whole lot more to say. I hope you enjoy the new moving layout. I love my shrimps. (:

Erro.

BEHOLD!

Any of my faithful readers have probably taken note of my recent absence from my pretty little blog. Trust me, this was NOT voluntary. My internet refused to connect for who knows how long. I've gone through crazy internet withdrawal; almost as bad as my Heather withdrawals. Scary, huh?
I've been compiling a list of topics I had wanted to cover on my blog while it wasn't up. So therefore you get to read all of them, jammed together into one big entry. But don't worry, I'm going to bullet them, so you can skim and pick out what you'd like to read. Aren't I kind? Christmas spirit, I guess. (*laughs* yeah, Christmas spirit. As you'll read, I hate the holiday)
Well then, it goes without saying that this will be a feature-length blog entry. So without further ado: we begin.

Santa's Dead!:
If you celebrate Christmas, you should be aware of the association with Santa Clause and Saint Nicolas. They are basically the same person, correct? Well, kiddies, Santa's dead. And I'm going to tell you the GRUESOME details of his death. Sounds like a good time, right? Gather round.
He died December 6, AD 343. So Santa's been gone for a while.Oh, and he died in PRISON. Nice, huh? Yeah, Santa's dead. You get your gifts from mom and dad, if you get any at all.
Merry Fucking Christmas.

My Brother's Family Christmas Letter:
Well, no, it wont be something silly and juvenile. My brother's twenty years older than I am and really DOES have a family of his own. His wife writes an annual Christmas letter. This year's was undoubtedly the cheesiest. I am beginning to not like his wife very much. She's a goody-goody crazy mom who thinks her kid that is THREE YEARS OLD should be able to get up in the night and get himself a drink of water without waking up mommy or daddy; JUST because mommy doesn't want to wake up in the night. Nice huh? This happened at our house and the poor kid used a cup from the bathroom that my sister had, for SOME reason, put soap in. Sending him into wailing tears at two in the morning. I just wanted to take her shoulders and shake her while screaming "For Christ's sake, Woman! You're a fucking mother, do your God damned job!". Well, they lost a baby this year, moved for the third time, and managed to book their nine year old daughter's time with so much stuff I'm surprised she has time to take a shit. And I'm not even exaggerating for effect. I'm dead serious. I've managed to rant about his wife, but never really explained how the letter was so terrible.
While reading it, I was slowly being pulled into a sugar-coated coma. It was dripping (almost literally) with that fake gooiness of those people who think they are better than you so they have to over-try to be nice, putting on an air that is so plastic it's all you can do but to keep yourself from throwing up all over their brand-new designer name brand shoes. Eck.

Gay Marriage:
You lucked out on me not having internet when I put this heading on my list because I was full of rage at some of the arguments against it I heard. So, I'll watch that little program that brought it on later and let you sink your teeth into my words then. Deal?

Internet- Lack thereof:
As I mentioned before, I had an internet meltdown for I don't know how long. It's been terrible. Withdrawal and lack of anything to do. And right at the peak babysitting season. I was at home with my sisters for FOUR DAYS with mom and dad away shopping. This is the time when I do all of my serious web surfing. And it was just my luck that it would burn out THEN. *sigh* I think you get the point. I'm an addict. Take crack away from a crack whore, and she'll pretty well die.

I Hate Christmas:
That's right. Bah Humbug. I guess, it's not really WHY we celebrate the holiday. I WANT to celebrate Jesus's birthday. Buuuut all the CRAP that goes along with it that has been piled onto it over the years. For instance: spending all that time with the family, those decorations, and what does the tree have to do with the REAL Christmas? NOT A DAMN THING. Oh, and I AM somewhat materialistic, so I enjoy the shit load of stuff I get.
Though, in recent years, I am becoming very bitter around this time of year. Simply because what they are telling me is this is the 'most wonderful time of the year' and you're to spend it with loved ones. Can I? NO. That makes it what? NOT WONDERFUL. Christmas songs and Santa. More on THAT pervert later. Plus, it's lost the tingly good feeling that it used to hold when I was a kid. Perhaps it's because I didn't care about my play mates at school and looked forward to just the... well, the tingly good feeling. Now, I want to spend it with those I love most, who, are so very conveniently located over a hundred miles away. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Elf:
But, though I hate Christmas; for the last day of school before break, I make it my duty to dress up very festive-like. Example: Red and green bell earrings paired with an A Christmas Story tee and jeans all topped off with an apron adorned with bells that do actually jingle all the way. I was a walking jangle machine. I take every possible chance to dress up like a complete idiot and I take pride in it. Call me crazy, but hey, this is what I do. Did you hear sleigh bells a week early? Don't worry, Santa wasn't getting a head start, chances are it was me. Yes, even if you ARE in China.

What I Want For Christmas:
Well, this heading really has gone to shit, now that Christmas has passed and I actually GOT a majority of what I wanted; save my spending the holiday break, in entirety, with Heather. I never did have much hope for that one. So, we'll move on. It's not worth the rant I had going a week ago.

That Last AA Class Before Break-
AA is Advanced Algebra or Algebra Two for those of you who were thinking I was an alcoholic. Sorry, I'm not. Picture- We're sitting, very tired and very ready for break and it's a mere sixty degrees so we're all on the verge of hypothermia. We're checking our assignments and then all of a sudden CRASH! A blond haired girl in the back row had jumped back because she saw a box elder bug and hit the table behind her, knocking not one, not two but THREE chairs onto the ground in the most spectacular domino effect I've witnessed. We spent the next five minutes in fits of laughter.
Then, while Mrs. H was working out a problem on the overhead, she kept referring to the roast beef of the word problem as Roast Beast. Not even kidding.

The Angel:
I checked out a book from the library to read over Christmas break. I chose What Happened to Lani Garver because Heather had made reference to it in my recent adventure. On the first night of break, I finished the book. I was up very late because I'm not a fast reader. I fell into unconsciousness and dreamed of things that were indeed inspired from the book. This dream was one of those that you cannot get out of your head. I love dreams like that.
The dream went something like this-
I was staying in a house with a kid from school. It was a very large house with a hallway with around ten rooms off of it. I was just wandering around not doing anything and I happened upon a room. I walked in and there was a tall person with blonde hair with blue highlights in it. I say person because it was not clear by looking at it what gender it was. This made sence because it was an angel. It had huge white wings. He, as I will refer to him because I can, was wearing a red and blue outfit that matched his hair. Then the kid I was staying with came in a killed the angel. I dont know how he did it, but he did and the angel began bleeding from his wings. Light blue blood that looked like paint began to trickle from his wings, landing on the floor and staining the carpet like paint. He never fell to to the ground, but rather leaned up against the door. I was horrified that the kid could do anything like that. And for some reason I was terrified, yet completely mezmorized, of this angel. The kid opened the door that the angel was leaning against and I had to walk under the angel. I did this very quickly because it was scary, of course. Later in the dream, I passed by the room that I had been avoiding and I looked in to find that the angel was gone and only the blue stains were left. I was filled with a feeling of dread and relief and hurried on down the hall. I woke up shortly after, very disturbed by the dream.
He was only a dream, but I find myself missing this angel. Very weird.

Mars Theory:
There's been lots of talk about how we are finding water on Mars making us believe that there may be or may have been life on Mars. I have been thinking a lot about it without my actual knowing that I'm thinking about it. But I have come up with a theory.
There has been life on Mars. From the beginning of time, we have been playing a sort of tag with it. First, one planet evolves and has life for billions of years. Then some huge catastrophe happens and the entire planet is wiped out. Leaving behind only traces that there was once life there. While this is happening, the other planet is evolving, and creating life. The life on the alive planet analyzes the dead planet and finds out there was life on it once. Then the catastrophe happens to the alive planet and the dead planet begins to come alive again. Over and over again, the same thing every single time. That's my theory.

I will leave you with that. I have been contented now that we have internet working, though it isn't the DSL yet. That's coming Thursday. Just regular ol' dial up. But it's better than nothing. Until later, and now from my own computer (:

ERRO!

Lack Of Posts

Sorry about the recent lack of posts... my internet is being tempermental (well, actually it's completely dead. Doesnt work. At all.)

buuut you'll have a lengthy post as soon as my new DSL (excitement!!!) is installed!!

Erro.

Stark Contrasts.

I came across old emails between Michael and I just now. We were having an argument about him coming over. I was feeling very insecure and annoyed at his behavior because he has this habit of not calling when he's not coming over.
I read the emails, the ones he wrote and the ones I wrote in response. Honestly, I sound like a little girl who's too in love with someone who's not in love enough. I believe that's what it all was with him. I was too into him. And he was too into himself. I didn't get the attention I needed. It was always him. I see this now.
He stopped by the other night, Thursday actually. He said something about how it sucked that both of us are homosexuals because if we weren't, he could see himself spending forever with me.
He's told me that before, so long ago when I was so in love with him. I believe it, and I thought I could as well. But now, I'm thinking back on all those times I cried, alone, because of something he did. Or, mostly, didn't do. I see now, that it could have never been, even if I had wanted it.
Somehow, he's lost his splendor he once held. Just lately, he's not a very good person. Not the person I always thought he was. It isn't surprising, either.

I don't know why I'm writing about Michael. I just wanted to write.
Even before we were together, there was always so much let down with him. Over and over I'd cry. And yet, I was still stupid enough to believe that he'd change. He never did.

The differences between my relationship with Michael and my relationship with Heather is staggering. This could be due to the change that happens with time, aging, and maturing. It could be because of their differing genders. It could be the different circumstances of the relationships. But there's no doubt that with Heather, I'm happier. I feel so much more loved
than I ever did with Michael.

Today has been a blur of absolutely nothing. Just sitting here, iTunes playing songs that I don't listen to, surfing aimlessly throughout the internet trying to find something worth while to write. I uploaded pictures from yesterday and wrote a lengthy email. I fixed a friendship and made a new one. I've accomplished very little sitting here, freezing in this chair. But I know what I'm doing, trying not to admit that it is what I'm doing. I did this five months ago. An entire week of not leaving this chair. You all who were here while this was going on know what I'm talking about. My waiting for her to get on, to respond, anything because I needed to see how she felt. I needed to see if I was just being foolish.
Five months... wow. So much has happened. So much time has passed that I have very little memory of except for those phone calls and emails. This is love, huh? It isn't like any other love I've ever felt. Almost like comparing the the taste of dirt to gourmet chocolate. I remember falling, flying, soaring, floating all without wings. She taught me how to fly.
Late night phone calls and sleep deprivation. Waking up too early and day long internet conversations. Butterflies triggered from words on a screen. Everything was all so brilliant. All of it never dying. After five months she does it all to me still but to a degree that I didn't think was possible. Everything has changed and stayed the same. Everything is wonderful and terrible. I'm lucid and unconscious.
I think about that week. I had so many questions about the future; our future. But never once did I ever think it would be like this. I never thought my heart would belong so completely to another being, let alone the girl I had only known for two days. But it all happened and it's been miraculous. All the heartache and excitement. All those sleepless nights and exhausted weeks. The times when I didn't have to think about anything and the obstacle of distance. Being miserable and euphoric. All of this I could never give up, will never forget, and am so thankful for.
She's my angel. My everything.

Erro. <3

I dont need a fucking title.

Let's say, for instance, there's a kid. She's a good kid, but she's absolutely miserable. Why? Because for some reason, she isn't allowed to see someone. This someone happens to be the greatest someone that there could ever be.
Well, this kid found a way to see this someone. But she never thought about what it would be like when that seeing was over. She just focused on the fact that finally she was going to see that someone. Well, the day passed, and that precious time had to end. Her heart broke a million times over as she watched her someone hurting because she had to leave.
Back at home, this kid wonders how she'll go back to being miserable. How she could possibly bear it.
This kid couldn't understand how you can be so miserable for so long- then get a few short hours of absolute bliss with the only thing that could conjure up those emotions- only to have it taken away and forced to go back to the shittiness of before.
So it goes without saying that this kid isn't happy. She's in a very terrible mood and can feel herself not being able to pull off her pretend happiness tomorrow at school. It goes without saying that this kid is scared to death of what comes next- how much bigger will the hole get. How much pain can she take this time. Scared to death of another long absence. Not knowing when she'll see that someone's glorious beyond words self. It goes without saying that her heart is breaking, over and over again. And that she blames it all on those who wont let her be happy. Turning, so slowly, her love for them into a dislike that could never be brought back full circle.
And it goes without saying that yesterday was the best in her life. Well, except for that weekend back in July.

Leave a message. Be nice about it. I'm tired of having to miss her.

erro.

December Ninth Two Thousand and Six

A bitter sweet kind of day. But the best day I've had in a very long time.

I love you, Heather. More than anything.

ok bad news

OK...This is how it all started.

Yesterday, one of ex-girlfriends (Becky) friend (Stephanie) andI were talking through myspace, and she was like ya becky was grabbing my ass and saying we wanted to have sex with me, and a whole lot of other bunk. I was all depressed and everything for no reason because i found out that she was not grabbing her ass, she was grabbing her waist "because she thought she had gotten skinner" and whatever. I dont even care about that anymore. But then later on today, during lunch she gave me a note.
This is what the note says word for word.
"I think we are the same as we were friends, ok. I cant do it anymore! Sorry. you promised we could still be friends so you have to keep that up1 this is happening because i feel bad because the way i act around you and i need to be myself and i cant because im a mean person and you look at me and make me feel really mean! and because im tired of being someone im not? ohhi told stephanie she can have you, but not all of you! please write back?
Problems wrong with this letter
1. she broke up with me in a note
2. i dont even like stephanie all that much

I dont understand why she changed around me when we started going out in the first place. Shes really not a mean person. And i dont think that she changed all that much. I hate it that she broke up with me. Im totally crushed. I was MAD IN LOVE WITH HER.

So i just wanted to write that down because hopefully it would help me, but it hasnt worked so far.
~Ashley

Love is like Poptarts. CrAzY gOoD!

The title says it all.

Not a whole lot to write about. I was in a remote part of the country all weekend... Since Thursday night, actually. I'm glad to be home.

I'm getting nervous. But that's oh kay.

I'm a Survivor *insert song by Destiny's Child

ha ha, laytah!

ERRO!