I read the emails, the ones he wrote and the ones I wrote in response. Honestly, I sound like a little girl who's too in love with someone who's not in love enough. I believe that's what it all was with him. I was too into him. And he was too into himself. I didn't get the attention I needed. It was always him. I see this now.
He stopped by the other night, Thursday actually. He said something about how it sucked that both of us are homosexuals because if we weren't, he could see himself spending forever with me.
He's told me that before, so long ago when I was so in love with him. I believe it, and I thought I could as well. But now, I'm thinking back on all those times I cried, alone, because of something he did. Or, mostly, didn't do. I see now, that it could have never been, even if I had wanted it.
Somehow, he's lost his splendor he once held. Just lately, he's not a very good person. Not the person I always thought he was. It isn't surprising, either.
I don't know why I'm writing about Michael. I just wanted to write.
Even before we were together, there was always so much let down with him. Over and over I'd cry. And yet, I was still stupid enough to believe that he'd change. He never did.
The differences between my relationship with Michael and my relationship with Heather is staggering. This could be due to the change that happens with time, aging, and maturing. It could be because of their differing genders. It could be the different circumstances of the relationships. But there's no doubt that with Heather, I'm happier. I feel so much more loved
than I ever did with Michael.
Today has been a blur of absolutely nothing. Just sitting here, iTunes playing songs that I don't listen to, surfing aimlessly throughout the internet trying to find something worth while to write. I uploaded pictures from yesterday and wrote a lengthy email. I fixed a friendship and made a new one. I've accomplished very little sitting here, freezing in this chair. But I know what I'm doing, trying not to admit that it is what I'm doing. I did this five months ago. An entire week of not leaving this chair. You all who were here while this was going on know what I'm talking about. My waiting for her to get on, to respond, anything because I needed to see how she felt. I needed to see if I was just being foolish.
Five months... wow. So much has happened. So much time has passed that I have very little memory of except for those phone calls and emails. This is love, huh? It isn't like any other love I've ever felt. Almost like comparing the the taste of dirt to gourmet chocolate. I remember falling, flying, soaring, floating all without wings. She taught me how to fly.
Late night phone calls and sleep deprivation. Waking up too early and day long internet conversations. Butterflies triggered from words on a screen. Everything was all so brilliant. All of it never dying. After five months she does it all to me still but to a degree that I didn't think was possible. Everything has changed and stayed the same. Everything is wonderful and terrible. I'm lucid and unconscious.
I think about that week. I had so many questions about the future; our future. But never once did I ever think it would be like this. I never thought my heart would belong so completely to another being, let alone the girl I had only known for two days. But it all happened and it's been miraculous. All the heartache and excitement. All those sleepless nights and exhausted weeks. The times when I didn't have to think about anything and the obstacle of distance. Being miserable and euphoric. All of this I could never give up, will never forget, and am so thankful for.
She's my angel. My everything.
Erro. <3
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