It's not fair.
I hate today.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
there are moments when I dont remember what's happened before now. moments when I'm not weighed down by all those things that keep me from smiling. moments like this one when I remember all these moments I've shared with you. moments like now when I realize how much of myself I've found along the way.
in this moment I feel utterly disgusting. and I know you're the only one who understands what that means.
and I love it.
in this moment I feel utterly disgusting. and I know you're the only one who understands what that means.
and I love it.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Seduction
We've come up with this theory as to why we were moved from the table we were sitting at, why we are placed the way we are now, and just a whole lot of ridiculousness surrounding our art teacher, Mr. Hach.
Here's the story:
Mr. Hach is a 27 year old bachelor who teaches art in our high school. He lives alone with his two dogs and coaches boys' basketball. He is tall, has a deep voice, and is attractive for a man. Aly and Aly tried to decipher whether or not he was gay last year, with little results. They also decided that he would marry both of them as they became of age.
This year, when I arrived, I was quickly picked up by first one Aly and then the other, forming an almost inseparable group of A's. We sat at a table, joined by Alicia, and were told on an almost daily basis to be quieter. Many threats of seating charts came our way until one day, when Mr. Hach was rather sassy, we got one. Aly was moved to the table under the clock, all the way across the room from Aly and I. I was at the same table we had all originally been at, only moved across it to where Alicia sat. Aly was at the orange table behind me, close enough to carry on a conversation with her. Why were we placed like this? Was it because Mr. Hach (we'll call him Kyle) knew of Aly and I's romantic involvement? That had something to do with it.
It all started when I began developing my rolls of film for photography, consisting mostly of Aly. He'd ask me to make him a copy of the ones he liked. This was clue number one.
Then the seating chart. He kept Aly and I close enough to continue to talk, and coincidentally, the closest to his desk that we could be in the room. Aly was facing his desk, of course, simply because he likes her better. He'd hear of us stalking him every weekend, hear what we'd do when we returned to whomever house we were staying at that weekend, and hear about all the other trivial things we talked about. It had to be nonchalant though, and boy was it.
Aly and I would look for things to give him away, and we began to notice certain glances he'd give us, things he'd say to be subtle but get the point across. One of our most popular theories was that he had taken my two rolls of film one afternoon and made all of the prints to hang on his wall at home. All of the pictures of Aly, that is.
We eventually came to the conclusion that we would get propositioned eventually. At the first basketball game we attended, simply to watch Kyle get out of line like he was rumored to do, I told a very elaborate story about what would happen during this proposition and the effect it would have on our lives. It took the entire second half of the girls' game that was before the boys' game. Our eyes never left Kyle as I told the story.
Today, we arrived at school, having informed him that we would be staying after school to work on our clay busts we're creating in sculpture. We also arrived looking equally seductive, in hopes that the proposition day would be today. After sitting in his class room for nearly two hours, he finally told us that he was ready to go home and that we couldnt work anymore. Both of us were slightly distraught that the forecast for awkwardness hadnt come true but did in no way shake our firm beliefs that Mr. Hach, art teacher extraordinaire, has an über pedophilictic crush on Aly and I.
Oh, and Aly? She's across the room because he plans on actually marrying her. But wants to keep it a secret because she's sixteen. He just wants an escapade with Aly and I.
Here's the story:
Mr. Hach is a 27 year old bachelor who teaches art in our high school. He lives alone with his two dogs and coaches boys' basketball. He is tall, has a deep voice, and is attractive for a man. Aly and Aly tried to decipher whether or not he was gay last year, with little results. They also decided that he would marry both of them as they became of age.
This year, when I arrived, I was quickly picked up by first one Aly and then the other, forming an almost inseparable group of A's. We sat at a table, joined by Alicia, and were told on an almost daily basis to be quieter. Many threats of seating charts came our way until one day, when Mr. Hach was rather sassy, we got one. Aly was moved to the table under the clock, all the way across the room from Aly and I. I was at the same table we had all originally been at, only moved across it to where Alicia sat. Aly was at the orange table behind me, close enough to carry on a conversation with her. Why were we placed like this? Was it because Mr. Hach (we'll call him Kyle) knew of Aly and I's romantic involvement? That had something to do with it.
It all started when I began developing my rolls of film for photography, consisting mostly of Aly. He'd ask me to make him a copy of the ones he liked. This was clue number one.
Then the seating chart. He kept Aly and I close enough to continue to talk, and coincidentally, the closest to his desk that we could be in the room. Aly was facing his desk, of course, simply because he likes her better. He'd hear of us stalking him every weekend, hear what we'd do when we returned to whomever house we were staying at that weekend, and hear about all the other trivial things we talked about. It had to be nonchalant though, and boy was it.
Aly and I would look for things to give him away, and we began to notice certain glances he'd give us, things he'd say to be subtle but get the point across. One of our most popular theories was that he had taken my two rolls of film one afternoon and made all of the prints to hang on his wall at home. All of the pictures of Aly, that is.
We eventually came to the conclusion that we would get propositioned eventually. At the first basketball game we attended, simply to watch Kyle get out of line like he was rumored to do, I told a very elaborate story about what would happen during this proposition and the effect it would have on our lives. It took the entire second half of the girls' game that was before the boys' game. Our eyes never left Kyle as I told the story.
Today, we arrived at school, having informed him that we would be staying after school to work on our clay busts we're creating in sculpture. We also arrived looking equally seductive, in hopes that the proposition day would be today. After sitting in his class room for nearly two hours, he finally told us that he was ready to go home and that we couldnt work anymore. Both of us were slightly distraught that the forecast for awkwardness hadnt come true but did in no way shake our firm beliefs that Mr. Hach, art teacher extraordinaire, has an über pedophilictic crush on Aly and I.
Oh, and Aly? She's across the room because he plans on actually marrying her. But wants to keep it a secret because she's sixteen. He just wants an escapade with Aly and I.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Insecurities.
The past two weekends were nothing but pure bliss and terror at the time to come when I find myself alone again. I become too used to the feeling of someone in bed with me. The first weekend, 44 and a half hours; this last, 47 hours. All together, it's nearly four straight days of not being alone. And it was wonderful.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.
She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.
There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?
So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.
She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.
There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?
So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A Grand Adventure (that almost made me puke)
So it's quite a joyous occasion when you find someone who shares your interests. Especially when your interests are as off the wall as mine.
Aly and I were watching Tony in his music video via Youtube when we got the idea to go stalk him (see sharing interests, we're creepy like that). So we look up his address and then gallivant off to find his house. We find it and see him in his home eating dinner. Do you find us awkward? Well, it gets better. We then proceed to stalk our art teacher, which is basically a weekend ritual for us. We found it rather scandalous that he wasnt home considering it was eight o'clock on a school night. We then decide to stalk Kurt which takes some time because Aly couldnt remember where his house was. She then drove us to Platt Park, which was terrifying considering the legends beholden there. That gives us the idea to go to Neon Road to see if the ghosts would move the car tonight. We cut through the school parking lot, and who's car do we see? The Art Teacher. As we drive past, I vocalize the idea of knocking on the window to say hello. She says yes, but I have to do it because she's far too scared to do it. Probably because of a long standing idolization and crush on said teacher. She parked over by the dumpsters, about twenty yards away. I snuck over to the window and peered in to see if he was there. Sure enough, he was at his computer. I knocked on the window three times and smiled and waved. I never actually meant to scare him but that's precisely what I did. And it was beautiful. He flailed around in his chair and distinctly said "Jesus Christ!" I immediately dropped to the frozen ground, laughing so hard that I thought I was going to puke as Aly begins to drive off. She came back, of course, gathering me up while I tried to explain what had happened through the hysterics I was in.
We traveled out to Neon Road but it didn't work, and as we were coming back home we decided to leave a note under his windshield wiper apologizing for scaring him. We never got to leave the note because as we were driving back to my home, we passed his car, only recognizable by the license plate number that Aly had memorized.
She is beautiful.
Aly and I were watching Tony in his music video via Youtube when we got the idea to go stalk him (see sharing interests, we're creepy like that). So we look up his address and then gallivant off to find his house. We find it and see him in his home eating dinner. Do you find us awkward? Well, it gets better. We then proceed to stalk our art teacher, which is basically a weekend ritual for us. We found it rather scandalous that he wasnt home considering it was eight o'clock on a school night. We then decide to stalk Kurt which takes some time because Aly couldnt remember where his house was. She then drove us to Platt Park, which was terrifying considering the legends beholden there. That gives us the idea to go to Neon Road to see if the ghosts would move the car tonight. We cut through the school parking lot, and who's car do we see? The Art Teacher. As we drive past, I vocalize the idea of knocking on the window to say hello. She says yes, but I have to do it because she's far too scared to do it. Probably because of a long standing idolization and crush on said teacher. She parked over by the dumpsters, about twenty yards away. I snuck over to the window and peered in to see if he was there. Sure enough, he was at his computer. I knocked on the window three times and smiled and waved. I never actually meant to scare him but that's precisely what I did. And it was beautiful. He flailed around in his chair and distinctly said "Jesus Christ!" I immediately dropped to the frozen ground, laughing so hard that I thought I was going to puke as Aly begins to drive off. She came back, of course, gathering me up while I tried to explain what had happened through the hysterics I was in.
We traveled out to Neon Road but it didn't work, and as we were coming back home we decided to leave a note under his windshield wiper apologizing for scaring him. We never got to leave the note because as we were driving back to my home, we passed his car, only recognizable by the license plate number that Aly had memorized.
She is beautiful.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Art Room Conversations.
"I'd get shampoo, conditioner, AND body wash in my eyes, too, if I were listening to Enrique Iglesias in the shower. I'd put the whole bottle of shampoo in my eyes."
"What would you do if I bought you tickets to a joint concert with Clay Aiken and Enrique Iglesias?"
"I'd sell them for as much money as possible. No, I'd pay someone to take the tickets from me."
"Do you happen to have a leopard print jogging suit?"
"No, I just donated it to Goodwill last week"
"We should go buy it."
"It was probably a hot item, they probably put it in the window and it's got to be gone by now"
"Did you have a good weekend?"
"It was fine."
"Was it as good as Aly's weekend?!"
"Considering I don't know how good Aly's weekend was, I couldn't tell you if it was as good or not"
"I guarantee your weekend was not as good as Aly's."
Key:
Mr. Hach
Aly
Me
"What would you do if I bought you tickets to a joint concert with Clay Aiken and Enrique Iglesias?"
"I'd sell them for as much money as possible. No, I'd pay someone to take the tickets from me."
"Do you happen to have a leopard print jogging suit?"
"No, I just donated it to Goodwill last week"
"We should go buy it."
"It was probably a hot item, they probably put it in the window and it's got to be gone by now"
"Did you have a good weekend?"
"It was fine."
"Was it as good as Aly's weekend?!"
"Considering I don't know how good Aly's weekend was, I couldn't tell you if it was as good or not"
"I guarantee your weekend was not as good as Aly's."
Key:
Mr. Hach
Aly
Me
Monday, November 19, 2007
More Zombies
Uuuugn, Brains!
I find it slightly entertaining that there are shoes made for not walking and undergarments made solely for taking off.
We live in a time where there is no romance between people joined in marriage and children having sex. Where televisions and computers have undoubtedly taken over the world and most are ruled by the images in the media. We worship gods of sound, vision, and words. And lord, I have never lived so lovely in all my life. Give me more glorious things to look at, more useless objects to blow wealth on. We live in a material world, and I wont deny I'm a material girl. Dear, dear precious seller, I am but a consumer and I will not refuse you.
huh?.
I find it slightly entertaining that there are shoes made for not walking and undergarments made solely for taking off.
We live in a time where there is no romance between people joined in marriage and children having sex. Where televisions and computers have undoubtedly taken over the world and most are ruled by the images in the media. We worship gods of sound, vision, and words. And lord, I have never lived so lovely in all my life. Give me more glorious things to look at, more useless objects to blow wealth on. We live in a material world, and I wont deny I'm a material girl. Dear, dear precious seller, I am but a consumer and I will not refuse you.
huh?.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Letters To Heather: The Final Entry
My initial plan was to sleep my way through whichever girls would sleep with me, enjoying their company but never getting attached. To keep myself occupied for another long year till my future could begin. But you fell away, calls becoming less frequent, my hopes dwindling to near nothing. My emotions were fried, my heart strings: severed. I had nothing left to give.
And so a harsh realization began to play in front of my eyes. I watched those months, I watched myself all those times I cried; like an old home movie where you cant believe that's you. And I began to feel pain. Pain I never let myself feel when I was with you because I was so determined to make you believe you were perfect for me because that's what I honestly believed.
You let me go, early one morning in September and I thought my world had ended. But my days kept passing and I kept breathing. And slowly I began to let go. Not because I wanted to, but because I had nothing left to hold on with. With letting go, I began to smile again. I went out, I had fun, and I went to sleep at night. I still get angry, I still hurt. I talk out loud the things I'd never tell you or anyone else about what I felt when I was with you, mostly right there at the end. How I felt abandoned. I only mentioned, for the first time, today how much it hurt for you to not be online that first day of school.
It started as something innocent. I couldn't handle anything remotely close to serious. Not after the last time. But after some time, your biggest fear came true.
I wake up in the morning, I go through my day, I come home at night and I don't feel sad. I don't think about you. And as much as I know this is hurting you, I am still going to say it.
You were a chapter of my life. A chapter I wont, I cannot forget. I never forget. It was amazing, terrible, trying, crying, heart breaking, hands shaking, first time, withdrawal, growing, knowing, and above all Love.
I wont forget you. I'll think of you when I pass through that city. When I hear those songs that was the soundtrack to that summer, that fall, that winter, spring, and the summer when it all exploded before my eyes. I'll credit you for the strength I've gained, and for showing me what love can really feel like.
I'll move on, just as I have already, move away from here, make a life I've always dreamed of. Maybe one day I'll see you somewhere, if you ask me if I remember...
I'll tell you you're crazy for even thinking that I wouldn't.
And so a harsh realization began to play in front of my eyes. I watched those months, I watched myself all those times I cried; like an old home movie where you cant believe that's you. And I began to feel pain. Pain I never let myself feel when I was with you because I was so determined to make you believe you were perfect for me because that's what I honestly believed.
You let me go, early one morning in September and I thought my world had ended. But my days kept passing and I kept breathing. And slowly I began to let go. Not because I wanted to, but because I had nothing left to hold on with. With letting go, I began to smile again. I went out, I had fun, and I went to sleep at night. I still get angry, I still hurt. I talk out loud the things I'd never tell you or anyone else about what I felt when I was with you, mostly right there at the end. How I felt abandoned. I only mentioned, for the first time, today how much it hurt for you to not be online that first day of school.
It started as something innocent. I couldn't handle anything remotely close to serious. Not after the last time. But after some time, your biggest fear came true.
I wake up in the morning, I go through my day, I come home at night and I don't feel sad. I don't think about you. And as much as I know this is hurting you, I am still going to say it.
You were a chapter of my life. A chapter I wont, I cannot forget. I never forget. It was amazing, terrible, trying, crying, heart breaking, hands shaking, first time, withdrawal, growing, knowing, and above all Love.
I wont forget you. I'll think of you when I pass through that city. When I hear those songs that was the soundtrack to that summer, that fall, that winter, spring, and the summer when it all exploded before my eyes. I'll credit you for the strength I've gained, and for showing me what love can really feel like.
I'll move on, just as I have already, move away from here, make a life I've always dreamed of. Maybe one day I'll see you somewhere, if you ask me if I remember...
I'll tell you you're crazy for even thinking that I wouldn't.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Feti
http://madbatball.deviantart.com/art/Recycled-Abortion-Cake-30274910
http://illusi0nz.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-6702931
http://tifachan.deviantart.com/art/abortion-bucket-69066663
http://zombielily.deviantart.com/art/Floating-Abortion-60468007
http://fetalgarden.deviantart.com/art/Symbol-of-Abortion-23680962
http://mizu1.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-By-Coat-hanger-Fetus-53477408
http://assbanger.deviantart.com/art/The-Art-Of-Abortion-38514647
I've become very much myself as of late. Probably something to do with this girl.
http://illusi0nz.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-6702931
http://tifachan.deviantart.com/art/abortion-bucket-69066663
http://zombielily.deviantart.com/art/Floating-Abortion-60468007
http://fetalgarden.deviantart.com/art/Symbol-of-Abortion-23680962
http://mizu1.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-By-Coat-hanger-Fetus-53477408
http://assbanger.deviantart.com/art/The-Art-Of-Abortion-38514647
I've become very much myself as of late. Probably something to do with this girl.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
but who doesnt love genocide?
I like to sprinkle it on top of my aborted fetus cereal I eat before I go decapitate hookers and use their blood to paint graffiti on old women's houses to give them a heart attack so I can jump on their dead bodies because really, they are far more bouncy than trampolines
Uhm... what?
Uhm... what?
Sunday, November 04, 2007
General Wearing Out Processes
Autobots. Axe Murderers. Inadequacy. Delirium. Melancholy. and ghosties moving the car.
a full twenty nine hours of nonloneliness.
today was too busy and passed too quickly but not quickly enough. I'm so restless.
I got a job. Yuck.
Mother Mother = a very refreshing and happy find.
I need monies. Cash Money. And a good book to read. And some time to finish all these paintings. Maybe I should do that right now...
Halloween was spectacular.
a full twenty nine hours of nonloneliness.
today was too busy and passed too quickly but not quickly enough. I'm so restless.
I got a job. Yuck.
Mother Mother = a very refreshing and happy find.
I need monies. Cash Money. And a good book to read. And some time to finish all these paintings. Maybe I should do that right now...
Halloween was spectacular.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Zombie Lovers and Batman.
IT'S HERE! Halloween, possibly the best day of the year. Totally pwns Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, The Fourth of July, AND my birthday.
Going to school as a zombie.
Going to school to see Batman.
Then leaving afterwards to see Batman transform into a zombie.
We're off after that to go wreak havoc on this town.
soooo excited.
Happy Halloween!
Going to school as a zombie.
Going to school to see Batman.
Then leaving afterwards to see Batman transform into a zombie.
We're off after that to go wreak havoc on this town.
soooo excited.
Happy Halloween!
Monday, October 29, 2007
In the Halloween Spirit
I present to you a parade of Zombies.
Mostly because that's what I'll be this year. Complete with an "I Heart Brains" tank top. It depicts a severed eyeball and a human heart across the chest and a brain below that with an apostrophe s after it (Not correct grammar... but zombies dont have to.)
On the back it will say
There will be a picture story of Wednesday's bloody events. I promise. Until then, here are some lovely links to tide you over:
OH EM GEE!
And Another
Zombie Secks
Zombie-Like Heart Stealing Cat
what the zombies are like in Australia
*extreme laughter*
I Want
inside joke. what her netherregions would be if she were a zombie
Pretty much great.
Hello Zombie
enjoy (:
Mostly because that's what I'll be this year. Complete with an "I Heart Brains" tank top. It depicts a severed eyeball and a human heart across the chest and a brain below that with an apostrophe s after it (Not correct grammar... but zombies dont have to.)
On the back it will say
There will be a picture story of Wednesday's bloody events. I promise. Until then, here are some lovely links to tide you over:
OH EM GEE!
And Another
Zombie Secks
Zombie-Like Heart Stealing Cat
what the zombies are like in Australia
*extreme laughter*
I Want
inside joke. what her netherregions would be if she were a zombie
Pretty much great.
Hello Zombie
enjoy (:
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I'm wide awake and so alive.
I traveled back to the place where I grew up, visiting dear friends whom I have been missing like mad. Driving through the small towns, I felt as if I'd never left as I settled back into the mindset that was in place while I was there. There were only a few times I noticed that I had been absent, only when they started talking about recent events, all of which I had missed out on. This morning as I was coming back, I felt the change that has come over me from the changes my life has presented. I feel like a different person here than I do there and the switching over this weekend made it painfully apparent. Just as I miss being there when I'm here, when I was there I missed the feelings of being here. One feeling in particular. But we'll leave that to be speculated.
I have a theory that my bites/rash that is on my feet, legs, and torso are caused not by some pathogen invading my system but by unknown stress that is slowly making it's way out. Studies have shown how stress tears apart the body and I wonder if that's what this could be. There's so much on my mind all the time and there are few people that I can talk to that I feel like actually listen to what I'm saying. Few being probably one. And I don't want to subject her to this. Lord, when I think of the therapy I'll be in when I'm older to reverse all this damage I've already done, all this damage I will continue to do. Is it sick that I know I'm doing it while it's happening?
I sense a tinge of melancholy throughout this writing but really it's not there. Do you hear it? There is no melancholy in my bones, no sorrow in my tissues. I am content to nearly the most content I've ever been. And I am utterly exhausted from the events of the past six weeks.
Falling is very tiring and totally lovely.
I have a theory that my bites/rash that is on my feet, legs, and torso are caused not by some pathogen invading my system but by unknown stress that is slowly making it's way out. Studies have shown how stress tears apart the body and I wonder if that's what this could be. There's so much on my mind all the time and there are few people that I can talk to that I feel like actually listen to what I'm saying. Few being probably one. And I don't want to subject her to this. Lord, when I think of the therapy I'll be in when I'm older to reverse all this damage I've already done, all this damage I will continue to do. Is it sick that I know I'm doing it while it's happening?
I sense a tinge of melancholy throughout this writing but really it's not there. Do you hear it? There is no melancholy in my bones, no sorrow in my tissues. I am content to nearly the most content I've ever been. And I am utterly exhausted from the events of the past six weeks.
Falling is very tiring and totally lovely.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.
Musical tastes. Clothing. Hair. Values. Focus. The things that are most important. My motives. My mind. My mood.
it's all changing
just like the leaves outside.
it's all changing
just like the leaves outside.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Photo Op.
Upon the top of the world, I swear I've never seen anything more beautiful.
Brought back down to earth, my head was still spinning as I attempted to maneuver the vehicle in the direction of home.
"That was close" I couldn't help it. Pure luck that I didn't hit that car. But who honestly could blame me?
The grave yard and safe keeping, wildflowers, and speeding down wet gravel roads.
Let go, jump in, oh it's all amazing here.
Brought back down to earth, my head was still spinning as I attempted to maneuver the vehicle in the direction of home.
"That was close" I couldn't help it. Pure luck that I didn't hit that car. But who honestly could blame me?
The grave yard and safe keeping, wildflowers, and speeding down wet gravel roads.
Let go, jump in, oh it's all amazing here.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Futuring.
I do not feel creative. I do not feel like painting those paintings that are beckoning me to be done, what with seventeen days till they need to be done. Nine in total to be finished in that time. I do not feel much of anything, except the overwhelming want, need, to be on my own, providing for myself, simply because my parental unit is losing ability to provide for me. I need a job. I need to buy everything myself. I need my modeling fiasco to be true, to be prosperous, and soon. I need funds to get myself out of this house and on my own. Supporting myself and my loved ones, that family that has stayed by my side when everyone else have left. I need to find out who is my mother, who is my father. And find out why they never wanted me.
I dont feel ambitious. I do not have goals. I do not have any idea what I'd like to do with my life. I have no plan. I feel like I am failing.
I do not have a plan because I refuse to allow myself to make a plan in fear that it will once again be completely crushed. I want to get out of the house when I'm eighteen. But I have school to finish. And so I will. I need to know where the modeling will take me, though there is no finding that out. No way of knowing what will happen with that. I need a plan, a back up plan. Schooling. Art.
I need to major in art and create a life for myself. A well paying job. A career.
Art. That's what I'll do. Move to a city. Live in an apartment. Open a gallery, something that showcases all the artists. My own little corner. Seattle, Portland, maybe somewhere on the east coast. Work as a model. Work as an artist. Have nice things, a nice car. A beautiful apartment. A beautiful girlfriend/finance/wife. Eventually children, maybe. Vacations over seas. I want to see the world. Maybe I'll eventually move somewhere else. England maybe.
I want my life to begin. I want high school to be over. I want my future to begin to be my present. I want my dreams to come true.
And most of all, right now at this moment, I want the rest of this year to pass beautifully, with this girl I've come to know, have come to cherish.
I dont feel ambitious. I do not have goals. I do not have any idea what I'd like to do with my life. I have no plan. I feel like I am failing.
I do not have a plan because I refuse to allow myself to make a plan in fear that it will once again be completely crushed. I want to get out of the house when I'm eighteen. But I have school to finish. And so I will. I need to know where the modeling will take me, though there is no finding that out. No way of knowing what will happen with that. I need a plan, a back up plan. Schooling. Art.
I need to major in art and create a life for myself. A well paying job. A career.
Art. That's what I'll do. Move to a city. Live in an apartment. Open a gallery, something that showcases all the artists. My own little corner. Seattle, Portland, maybe somewhere on the east coast. Work as a model. Work as an artist. Have nice things, a nice car. A beautiful apartment. A beautiful girlfriend/finance/wife. Eventually children, maybe. Vacations over seas. I want to see the world. Maybe I'll eventually move somewhere else. England maybe.
I want my life to begin. I want high school to be over. I want my future to begin to be my present. I want my dreams to come true.
And most of all, right now at this moment, I want the rest of this year to pass beautifully, with this girl I've come to know, have come to cherish.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
...what am I doing?
I'm annoyed.
With myself.
At how I'm behaving.
I don't understand how.
I can let your presence.
(or lack there of)
Matter so much to me.
I don't understand how.
I can be showing you so much.
When I promised myself that I'd be.
Very nonchalant.
I try sometimes.
When I can remember.
And yet here I.
Am.
Writing all this.
Where you could read it.
If you wanted to.
Just so you.
Know, I'm fighting.
Something I want so.
Badly.
But that doesn't mean.
I don't want it.
(you)
I just.
Really can't bring.
Myself to actually trust that.
I wont wind up exactly how.
I was last time.
I make bad.
Choices more times.
Than not.
And I.
Am scared.
This one could.
Really not be a.
Mistake.
Showing me that.
I'm not the failure I.
Thought I was.
So here I sit.
Waiting like normal.
Hoping you wont.
Read this.
And yet I keep writing.
I missed you today.
Even though I really didn't.
Want to.
Admit that.
I did.
Probably the thing.
That scares me.
Most.
Is I have no.
Idea what you.
Want from.
Me.
I'm terrified.
And utterly annoyed.
At how I'm handling.
(or not)
This.
With myself.
At how I'm behaving.
I don't understand how.
I can let your presence.
(or lack there of)
Matter so much to me.
I don't understand how.
I can be showing you so much.
When I promised myself that I'd be.
Very nonchalant.
I try sometimes.
When I can remember.
And yet here I.
Am.
Writing all this.
Where you could read it.
If you wanted to.
Just so you.
Know, I'm fighting.
Something I want so.
Badly.
But that doesn't mean.
I don't want it.
(you)
I just.
Really can't bring.
Myself to actually trust that.
I wont wind up exactly how.
I was last time.
I make bad.
Choices more times.
Than not.
And I.
Am scared.
This one could.
Really not be a.
Mistake.
Showing me that.
I'm not the failure I.
Thought I was.
So here I sit.
Waiting like normal.
Hoping you wont.
Read this.
And yet I keep writing.
I missed you today.
Even though I really didn't.
Want to.
Admit that.
I did.
Probably the thing.
That scares me.
Most.
Is I have no.
Idea what you.
Want from.
Me.
I'm terrified.
And utterly annoyed.
At how I'm handling.
(or not)
This.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.
Thursday night was six hours.
Friday night was roughly eight, after burning every single calorie that I had consumed in the last week at the dance where I did not stop moving for nearly four hours.
Saturday night was three hours.
Last night, seven and one half hours.
If I'm going to bed at eight o'clock every night... like actually going to sleep... you KNOW there MUST be something wrong.
But if I'm staying up till ten, eleven, twelve o'clock... on school nights... you know that someone somewhere has got to be doing something right because I am HAPPY.
What does this tell you? Someone, somewhere is doing something right. Because I'm losing sleep.
and it's absolutely splendid.
Friday night was roughly eight, after burning every single calorie that I had consumed in the last week at the dance where I did not stop moving for nearly four hours.
Saturday night was three hours.
Last night, seven and one half hours.
If I'm going to bed at eight o'clock every night... like actually going to sleep... you KNOW there MUST be something wrong.
But if I'm staying up till ten, eleven, twelve o'clock... on school nights... you know that someone somewhere has got to be doing something right because I am HAPPY.
What does this tell you? Someone, somewhere is doing something right. Because I'm losing sleep.
and it's absolutely splendid.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The One You've All Been Waiting For
So. I've had a request to actually update this. And so, I will.
We'll start way back in the beginning of the summer, just a quick review:
Summer began and ended far too quickly. Possibly because I was so busy painting and moving and painting some more. I talked on the phone to a certain someone too little and once she actually broke up with me. After two days of quite literal hell, we were back together. In retrospect, I should have paid attention to this. Maybe shouldn't have forced her to reconsider. We get up to the week before school starts and I meet some lovely girls via Facebook who will be going to my school. Then Shalee comes over and that night, my world takes it's second huge turn. (The first was yet another home shift) My mother tells me that she knows I went to see Heather, twice. And that I'm to have nothing to do with her. Needless to say I had a very long week. The weekend brought a house warming party where I got to meet Hannah and Hilary in person. They ended up staying along with Shalee and Heather V. School started that Tuesday, managing to multiply my hell exponentially. That weekend I went shopping with Hilary. A first in my book, first time to ever go shopping unattended by elders. Another week of school that wasn't as hellish as the first, but still nearly unbearable. I was meeting people, unable to remember names of but a few. I found a place to sit at my A lunch, but was still going to class twenty minutes earlier than I had to to avoid the same scenario during B lunch. That Wednesday, I got another change in my world, one that sent me crashing down. Heather broke up with me for the third time. I woke up in the middle of the night to find an email. I argued, of course, but soon came to my senses that this was the easiest thing for the both of us considering the circumstances. Somehow I got through the rest of the week. The weekend came and I went to a movie with Hannah. Labor Day weekend. My birthday was the following Friday. I began sitting with Aly at B lunch sometime in there. My birthday came and went, I got my license and went to my first football game here. Saturday Mam Seyer joined me at my humble abode and then we went to Hannah's house for movie night. Which turned out to be a surprise party for me. It was a lovely time, a good pick me up for what I was feeling. I think this is where I started to get myself into a sort of trouble. We'll visit that later. The next week at school was getting better, people knew me, spoke to me, I didn't feel so utterly alone. I was beginning to enjoy myself. This could be due to my ever deteriorating home life, but still. I was waking up in the morning excited to go to school. Friday brought on a Tim Burton Movie Night with Hilary. Which was a lovely time. The next day, I had to babysit. So I went on my quest to find the missing letter I was supposed to get from Heather a while ago. But what I found was not the Heather letter I was expecting. It was something else, yet another huge thing to change my world completely. A letter, finalizing my adoption. Home life got better very quickly, knowing that little bit of information, though the parental unit wont know that I know till I'm out of the house. Michael came to visit for the first time at my new home. And it was lovely. I received a new cellular calling device. Which is lovely as well. Complete with texting, ten dollars worth to be exact. Of which, after just a week, I have less than two dollars left. This is no fault of my own, though. I went on a mad couple of texting sprees with Aly this week. Using about 80 texts just on her. This past week has been the best yet, and I can finally say that I do not hate school. Though I did wind myself up more in my little trouble. Trouble being my crushes on Hilary and Aly. And feeling guilty about Heather because I am getting over it way too quickly than I believe I should. This week was Homecoming. Monday, I was Gerard Way. And I looked lovely. Tuesday was Pirate Day, and again, I looked lovely. Wednesday was Gender Bender Day, and I looked and smelled like a boy. Though it wasn't a big deal due to my little 'I'm going to be a boy because boys like girls and I like girls so I really should be a boy' phase. After school I went to Chinese with Aly, which was splendid to say the very least. First time on a four wheeler, which could be described the same way. My night ended too quickly. The next day was Character Day, which I showed up as myself, of course. But how could I not? That morning was the Meet The Candidates assembly. Which was dull. Except when Quincy showed off his ninja moves during musical chairs. I spent Thursday night awake. Talking on the interweb with Aly. Yes. She's showing up a lot. And if anyone's catching on... well I sort of already told you. See my little troubles thing. But minus the first name. Because I got THAT sorted out. The next day I was in an interesting haze, dressed up in purple and gold. The homecoming pep rally ended the day in the most lovely of ways. Now, THAT is a pep rally. During one of the cheers that the cheerleaders were doing, Aly managed to lose her balance, falling, taking me with her, landing on top of me. Which was a sight to see. I almost died from laughter. Aly got best dressed for Favorite Band Day, as she should have. She went as Bob Dylan, and looked lovely, as usual. After the pep rally, we went home, I ran back to school (when I say ran, I mean it.) and then walked back. I nearly died. Got ready for the game and the dance and at about six o'clock, there was a red car in my driveway. And when my sisters answered the door, there stood Aly, with a bag of food. Not just any bag of food. Chicken Tamales. My favorite food in the whole wide world. I could have died. But, it would have been a very lovely death indeed. So I ate, and finished getting ready. Somehow. Aly stayed. and was sitting on my bed the whole time. It was sort of a miracle that I finished all that. Even though there was no way I could eat all of my food and look absolutely amazing with her there. So I settled for most of my food and looking good. And we were off. And I didn't have to walk to school in the rain, which was lovely. Lovely is my prize adjective, now. As you can tell. The game was cold. Very cold. But I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else. And if you don't know why, you must be a grade A retard, or something. The game ended and I walked frozen into the dance. It didn't take long to get thawed out and very shortly after people began to arrive, I was sweating more than a large hairy Nordic man in a sweat box. And that's not even an exaggeration. Gross, isn't it? I never actually stopped moving, dancing along side my friends. I haven't actually danced since eighth grade. There was a sort of tension all night, not the bad kind, just fighting for my attention. Which was awkward to a point, but thrilling as well. After hours of moving, people asking me if I was on drugs (which I wasn't... sort of scary... this is just how I am sober.) the dance ended and we retired to my house. My company left and I passed out sometime after two, waking up after 12:00 p.m. today. It's the latest I've slept in ages. But I used so much energy last night. The night before I got maybe six hours. The night before that I was up late. My nights aren't filled with as much sleep as they started to. Which is good because I sleep a lot only when I'm depressed. So no sleep means I'm happy. And I can feel it. Finally.
Anyone have any idea why?
enjoy the update. and if you have anything to say, feel free.
We'll start way back in the beginning of the summer, just a quick review:
Summer began and ended far too quickly. Possibly because I was so busy painting and moving and painting some more. I talked on the phone to a certain someone too little and once she actually broke up with me. After two days of quite literal hell, we were back together. In retrospect, I should have paid attention to this. Maybe shouldn't have forced her to reconsider. We get up to the week before school starts and I meet some lovely girls via Facebook who will be going to my school. Then Shalee comes over and that night, my world takes it's second huge turn. (The first was yet another home shift) My mother tells me that she knows I went to see Heather, twice. And that I'm to have nothing to do with her. Needless to say I had a very long week. The weekend brought a house warming party where I got to meet Hannah and Hilary in person. They ended up staying along with Shalee and Heather V. School started that Tuesday, managing to multiply my hell exponentially. That weekend I went shopping with Hilary. A first in my book, first time to ever go shopping unattended by elders. Another week of school that wasn't as hellish as the first, but still nearly unbearable. I was meeting people, unable to remember names of but a few. I found a place to sit at my A lunch, but was still going to class twenty minutes earlier than I had to to avoid the same scenario during B lunch. That Wednesday, I got another change in my world, one that sent me crashing down. Heather broke up with me for the third time. I woke up in the middle of the night to find an email. I argued, of course, but soon came to my senses that this was the easiest thing for the both of us considering the circumstances. Somehow I got through the rest of the week. The weekend came and I went to a movie with Hannah. Labor Day weekend. My birthday was the following Friday. I began sitting with Aly at B lunch sometime in there. My birthday came and went, I got my license and went to my first football game here. Saturday Mam Seyer joined me at my humble abode and then we went to Hannah's house for movie night. Which turned out to be a surprise party for me. It was a lovely time, a good pick me up for what I was feeling. I think this is where I started to get myself into a sort of trouble. We'll visit that later. The next week at school was getting better, people knew me, spoke to me, I didn't feel so utterly alone. I was beginning to enjoy myself. This could be due to my ever deteriorating home life, but still. I was waking up in the morning excited to go to school. Friday brought on a Tim Burton Movie Night with Hilary. Which was a lovely time. The next day, I had to babysit. So I went on my quest to find the missing letter I was supposed to get from Heather a while ago. But what I found was not the Heather letter I was expecting. It was something else, yet another huge thing to change my world completely. A letter, finalizing my adoption. Home life got better very quickly, knowing that little bit of information, though the parental unit wont know that I know till I'm out of the house. Michael came to visit for the first time at my new home. And it was lovely. I received a new cellular calling device. Which is lovely as well. Complete with texting, ten dollars worth to be exact. Of which, after just a week, I have less than two dollars left. This is no fault of my own, though. I went on a mad couple of texting sprees with Aly this week. Using about 80 texts just on her. This past week has been the best yet, and I can finally say that I do not hate school. Though I did wind myself up more in my little trouble. Trouble being my crushes on Hilary and Aly. And feeling guilty about Heather because I am getting over it way too quickly than I believe I should. This week was Homecoming. Monday, I was Gerard Way. And I looked lovely. Tuesday was Pirate Day, and again, I looked lovely. Wednesday was Gender Bender Day, and I looked and smelled like a boy. Though it wasn't a big deal due to my little 'I'm going to be a boy because boys like girls and I like girls so I really should be a boy' phase. After school I went to Chinese with Aly, which was splendid to say the very least. First time on a four wheeler, which could be described the same way. My night ended too quickly. The next day was Character Day, which I showed up as myself, of course. But how could I not? That morning was the Meet The Candidates assembly. Which was dull. Except when Quincy showed off his ninja moves during musical chairs. I spent Thursday night awake. Talking on the interweb with Aly. Yes. She's showing up a lot. And if anyone's catching on... well I sort of already told you. See my little troubles thing. But minus the first name. Because I got THAT sorted out. The next day I was in an interesting haze, dressed up in purple and gold. The homecoming pep rally ended the day in the most lovely of ways. Now, THAT is a pep rally. During one of the cheers that the cheerleaders were doing, Aly managed to lose her balance, falling, taking me with her, landing on top of me. Which was a sight to see. I almost died from laughter. Aly got best dressed for Favorite Band Day, as she should have. She went as Bob Dylan, and looked lovely, as usual. After the pep rally, we went home, I ran back to school (when I say ran, I mean it.) and then walked back. I nearly died. Got ready for the game and the dance and at about six o'clock, there was a red car in my driveway. And when my sisters answered the door, there stood Aly, with a bag of food. Not just any bag of food. Chicken Tamales. My favorite food in the whole wide world. I could have died. But, it would have been a very lovely death indeed. So I ate, and finished getting ready. Somehow. Aly stayed. and was sitting on my bed the whole time. It was sort of a miracle that I finished all that. Even though there was no way I could eat all of my food and look absolutely amazing with her there. So I settled for most of my food and looking good. And we were off. And I didn't have to walk to school in the rain, which was lovely. Lovely is my prize adjective, now. As you can tell. The game was cold. Very cold. But I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else. And if you don't know why, you must be a grade A retard, or something. The game ended and I walked frozen into the dance. It didn't take long to get thawed out and very shortly after people began to arrive, I was sweating more than a large hairy Nordic man in a sweat box. And that's not even an exaggeration. Gross, isn't it? I never actually stopped moving, dancing along side my friends. I haven't actually danced since eighth grade. There was a sort of tension all night, not the bad kind, just fighting for my attention. Which was awkward to a point, but thrilling as well. After hours of moving, people asking me if I was on drugs (which I wasn't... sort of scary... this is just how I am sober.) the dance ended and we retired to my house. My company left and I passed out sometime after two, waking up after 12:00 p.m. today. It's the latest I've slept in ages. But I used so much energy last night. The night before I got maybe six hours. The night before that I was up late. My nights aren't filled with as much sleep as they started to. Which is good because I sleep a lot only when I'm depressed. So no sleep means I'm happy. And I can feel it. Finally.
Anyone have any idea why?
enjoy the update. and if you have anything to say, feel free.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Neglect
It has been literally months since I have done a proper update on my blog. For this, I apologize. Though it was not without reason. Things have changed very severely and rapidly for me and I have had a hard time adjusting. I have had no will to update more than a few short sentences, most of the time incoherent.
and you were excited with that introduction that this would be the entry in which I would update. That is what this was going to be, but I have lost my ambition. There will be one soon though, I promise.
and you were excited with that introduction that this would be the entry in which I would update. That is what this was going to be, but I have lost my ambition. There will be one soon though, I promise.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
birthdays.
Hannah and Hilary threw me a surprise birthday party last night. I got three hours of sleep. I'm pretty much dead right at the moment.
So many things I wanted... none of which I have received as of yet.
And I would have killed to have had Heather there.
It's not getting any easier, but it's not getting any worse.
So many things I wanted... none of which I have received as of yet.
And I would have killed to have had Heather there.
It's not getting any easier, but it's not getting any worse.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I wanna wake up where you are
I have to take this one day at a time. There's no tomorrow, just get through today. Hope for the future, long for the past, mourn for the state I'm in now.
But these days are so hard to get through without you here.
without the support of my friends.
getting up everyday to go to a place where I am absolutely no one and in turn, am not cared about, not worried about, not asked about when I'm crying walking down the hall.
I wanna wake up where you are. I wont say anything.
But one day at a time.
just one.
But these days are so hard to get through without you here.
without the support of my friends.
getting up everyday to go to a place where I am absolutely no one and in turn, am not cared about, not worried about, not asked about when I'm crying walking down the hall.
I wanna wake up where you are. I wont say anything.
But one day at a time.
just one.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Revising previous plan, new devious plan.
it's a lovely thing to watch my skin, fingernails biting crescents into, turn to snake.
we'll fake this happiness for too long, losing our hope in the process.
I now understand why we haven't heard from my sister in almost eight years.
never saw it coming. I was so perfect. But being perfect comes with a price; something like mental defect.
yeah, well. I am not at fault. They will come to see that. Neither is she. It's closed mindedness that causes families
it's a lovely thing to watch my skin, fingernails biting crescents into, turn to snake.
we'll fake this happiness for too long, losing our hope in the process.
I now understand why we haven't heard from my sister in almost eight years.
never saw it coming. I was so perfect. But being perfect comes with a price; something like mental defect.
yeah, well. I am not at fault. They will come to see that. Neither is she. It's closed mindedness that causes families
to be ripped
a p a r t
Sunday, August 12, 2007
To whom it concerns:
I've lost my feeling. I've become a sort of numb. Save these moments when I'm entirely melancholy, unable to do anything but sit and stare at nothing.
I'm not sure if I still have the ability to smile.
I'm trying to be strong, to not let it show. But misery has this way of eating away at nearly everything it touches. Can you tell how broken I am?
A worser fate than having no solution to this, I have an antidote. Like a cure to a sickness that you cannot afford. Dangling just beyond my reach is salvation, forcing me to sit here and waste away till that day I find courage and strength enough dislocate my arm and finally be able to stretch across those last few millimeters. A lovely way to picture it.
To whom it may concern, I've yet to have a happy day in the past five months. A content day, without remorse, worse: regret. Longing and heartache are companions of a terrible sort, never leaving my side. I am left to dream about the day when they will be replaced by the joy she brings. I stare into the mirror, wondering where I've gone. Laying in bed before I sleep, I realize I'm with her.
Perhaps this is why my body feels so vacant.
I'm not sure if I still have the ability to smile.
I'm trying to be strong, to not let it show. But misery has this way of eating away at nearly everything it touches. Can you tell how broken I am?
A worser fate than having no solution to this, I have an antidote. Like a cure to a sickness that you cannot afford. Dangling just beyond my reach is salvation, forcing me to sit here and waste away till that day I find courage and strength enough dislocate my arm and finally be able to stretch across those last few millimeters. A lovely way to picture it.
To whom it may concern, I've yet to have a happy day in the past five months. A content day, without remorse, worse: regret. Longing and heartache are companions of a terrible sort, never leaving my side. I am left to dream about the day when they will be replaced by the joy she brings. I stare into the mirror, wondering where I've gone. Laying in bed before I sleep, I realize I'm with her.
Perhaps this is why my body feels so vacant.
Friday, August 10, 2007
I'll climb on top and I wont stop till I make you forget who you are
School schedules today.
the book came out last tuesday; CexCells this tuesday.
I feel very different at this house. I dont really know where I've gone. I'm just not here... I am void of emotion, save those moments I get so angry I could kill something.
School in ten days
birthday in 27.
damn it, where's my money?
the book came out last tuesday; CexCells this tuesday.
I feel very different at this house. I dont really know where I've gone. I'm just not here... I am void of emotion, save those moments I get so angry I could kill something.
School in ten days
birthday in 27.
damn it, where's my money?
Monday, July 09, 2007
Moving and Old New Beginnings
Got word today that the closing on the house will be this week, when it closes, we'll be moving. But first, the painting which consists of painting my room and bathroom and then painting the mural that I plan for it. It should be fun.
As for Old New Beginnings, tonight is also an anniversary of sorts. A year ago tonight, eight-ish, very soon, is when I started falling, none of the 'I think I could', no. I started falling for her after knowing her for just a little over twenty four hours. Look where it's gotten me... A life that I love, a reason to live that life to the fullest, plans and dreams for my future, a determination to get the things I want, and the knowledge of what those things are. I was told to be more careful with it, don't fall so fast, don't get caught up in her so quickly; maybe they were right, but what I have now, because of the absence of the normal hesitance that I possess, is wonderful. I began living my life a year ago, she gave me the courage to do it. Even though I didn't even know who she was. Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it. (Yes, those are lyrics. But I thought they fitted right there)
So cheers to: love, luck, stupidity, insanity, taking chances, trust, and remembering.
As for Old New Beginnings, tonight is also an anniversary of sorts. A year ago tonight, eight-ish, very soon, is when I started falling, none of the 'I think I could', no. I started falling for her after knowing her for just a little over twenty four hours. Look where it's gotten me... A life that I love, a reason to live that life to the fullest, plans and dreams for my future, a determination to get the things I want, and the knowledge of what those things are. I was told to be more careful with it, don't fall so fast, don't get caught up in her so quickly; maybe they were right, but what I have now, because of the absence of the normal hesitance that I possess, is wonderful. I began living my life a year ago, she gave me the courage to do it. Even though I didn't even know who she was. Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it. (Yes, those are lyrics. But I thought they fitted right there)
So cheers to: love, luck, stupidity, insanity, taking chances, trust, and remembering.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Full Circle
Here we are again. A day, a weekend, three hundred and sixty five days after my life began.
Something crazy happened today, altering perceptions, giving new meaning to perfection. It's been one hell of a ride.
Today, a year ago, I met her. Walked with her in the stifling heat to Starbucks. Laughed myself to near unconsciousness and thought I'd die at just the sight of her.
A year ago today... I never would have seen this coming, this journey I've started. Never would have began to dream that I could feel this much, couldn't fathom the idea that someone so far away could make me this happy (without even being here).
I'll save you my monthly recap of that weekend, I'm attempting to write that novel I promised her. I'll link the blog where I'm working to this one.
But today, tonight, tomorrow: I pause to take these moments in, where I'm swept away in memories so dear to me. Stories I've told over and over in hopes to somehow immortalize. I'll never know if the world will know of it, and all that matters is that I know it, I remember.
Something crazy happened today, altering perceptions, giving new meaning to perfection. It's been one hell of a ride.
Today, a year ago, I met her. Walked with her in the stifling heat to Starbucks. Laughed myself to near unconsciousness and thought I'd die at just the sight of her.
A year ago today... I never would have seen this coming, this journey I've started. Never would have began to dream that I could feel this much, couldn't fathom the idea that someone so far away could make me this happy (without even being here).
I'll save you my monthly recap of that weekend, I'm attempting to write that novel I promised her. I'll link the blog where I'm working to this one.
But today, tonight, tomorrow: I pause to take these moments in, where I'm swept away in memories so dear to me. Stories I've told over and over in hopes to somehow immortalize. I'll never know if the world will know of it, and all that matters is that I know it, I remember.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Biiiiiiisaaaaay
Sorry for the recent lack of posting but I've been busy/not in the mood... the last three days have been hectic for me. But the good kind. I'm actually doing stuff.
Friday I went shopping, Friday night Keri came over, Saturday I went to a party and crashed at Shalee's and I got home at eleven this morning, was home for an hour, went and mowed the yard at the other house, had a picnic and just got home.
I love having things to do.
And this is a shitty entry. But oh well. There's nothing you can do about it.
Happy July!
Friday I went shopping, Friday night Keri came over, Saturday I went to a party and crashed at Shalee's and I got home at eleven this morning, was home for an hour, went and mowed the yard at the other house, had a picnic and just got home.
I love having things to do.
And this is a shitty entry. But oh well. There's nothing you can do about it.
Happy July!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Letters to Heather- A new Chapter
Heather,
I'm angry. And sad. and upset and depressed and thoroughly drunk.
I'm angry because I'm so sad. Because I gave in and got myself smashed at nine thirty in the morning. I'm angry because under no circumstances am I going to be able to get over this quickly. I'm angry that I'm so in love with you and you wont let me be with you. I'm angry that I wake up every morning, cursing the sunlight and the beautiful day because I honestly dont give a fuck anymore.
I'm sad. Because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
I'm upset because somehow that fits in somewhere. And I'm too god damned lazy to explain why.
I'm depressed because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
and everyone has Deja vu.
No. I'm kidding. I just wrote the same thing.
and I'm thoroughly drunk because I was shooting whiskey this morning. Because I needed to not hate today. But I still do. So it's a lost cause.
The sky outside is too blue and for some reason the tree was just orange. Those colors are you. and I hate it outside.
I just want you to talk to me
want you to stop ignoring me
and I'm tired of punctuation.
For some reason I use the ellipsis too much when I write to you.
You told me you felt like you should be taking it back. We're meant to be together. and you raised my hopes for a while but now it's just back to waiting and hating everything... even though I dont. I still love you. Just like I always will. Even if it ruins me.
This is too much. I should stop. Go paint and shit. I shouldnt write to you when I'm like this.
I love you.
I'm angry. And sad. and upset and depressed and thoroughly drunk.
I'm angry because I'm so sad. Because I gave in and got myself smashed at nine thirty in the morning. I'm angry because under no circumstances am I going to be able to get over this quickly. I'm angry that I'm so in love with you and you wont let me be with you. I'm angry that I wake up every morning, cursing the sunlight and the beautiful day because I honestly dont give a fuck anymore.
I'm sad. Because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
I'm upset because somehow that fits in somewhere. And I'm too god damned lazy to explain why.
I'm depressed because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
and everyone has Deja vu.
No. I'm kidding. I just wrote the same thing.
and I'm thoroughly drunk because I was shooting whiskey this morning. Because I needed to not hate today. But I still do. So it's a lost cause.
The sky outside is too blue and for some reason the tree was just orange. Those colors are you. and I hate it outside.
I just want you to talk to me
want you to stop ignoring me
and I'm tired of punctuation.
For some reason I use the ellipsis too much when I write to you.
You told me you felt like you should be taking it back. We're meant to be together. and you raised my hopes for a while but now it's just back to waiting and hating everything... even though I dont. I still love you. Just like I always will. Even if it ruins me.
This is too much. I should stop. Go paint and shit. I shouldnt write to you when I'm like this.
I love you.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Letters to Heather part whichever
I understand why you go out every night. I know that it's to stay busy so everything isnt so... there. I know the drugs, the alcohol, is to block everything out because that's the only thing you can think of to make it all go away. And I understand why you'd do it.
But at the same time, while I'm sitting here almost GLAD you do it, because at least you're getting some relief, I want you to stop. I want you to come home and talk to me for hours. But I know... I know it hurts to do that because then it's right there, ripping out our insides, shoving it in our faces that this is the only way we can 'be together'. But as much as it hurts, I want it. Because it's one hell of a lot better than sitting in my room everynight debating upon whether or not to call you. Because I know, I KNOW that when I do, you'll be busy and you'll tell me you'll call back and I'll feel terrible because you dont have time for me and I know you're not going to call back. So I lay in my bed for the rest of the night, no being able to MOVE because the sadness is so strong that it hurts to do anything but lay there and cry.
It's the summer time. It feels JUSt like last summer , when I was falling in love with you. When I had my hopes set on so many things. I convinced myself that by that time next year, everything would be alright. Everything would be better. But here we are, and everything's the exact same. And it makes me feel terrible. This keeps me in bed in the morning, laying there attempting to feel nothing while I'm feeling everything. Every little thing... I feel every dust particle floating in the air, gracing my body. I feel every dead skin cell I shed fall onto the dirty sheets I'm laying on. I can feel the emptiness of the bed, my house, all those miles between us and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. So I lay there, no will to do anything.
I want to see you so badly. But I know when I do, it will be blissful every second I'm with you but as soon as you're gone I'll go back to this, and I'll have to wait in uncertainty, not knowing when I'll feel that relief again. No one can make me feel better anymore. No one but you. And you go out every night, searching for that relief. Are you finding it? Oh, if you're not, just please go home, go home and call me. Call me and close your eyes and I'll be right there. I'll cry to know I'm really not, but pretending is the closest I can get right now.
This summertime is ripping me apart from the inside out. I cant eat or sleep. I want to cry and I do. I have to fake that I'm happy. But every minute that passes is harder to get through than the last and I have no idea how much more of this I can take.
Please come home tonight. Please lay by my side and hold me. Tell me that it's going to be alright because I really cant believe it anymore.
But at the same time, while I'm sitting here almost GLAD you do it, because at least you're getting some relief, I want you to stop. I want you to come home and talk to me for hours. But I know... I know it hurts to do that because then it's right there, ripping out our insides, shoving it in our faces that this is the only way we can 'be together'. But as much as it hurts, I want it. Because it's one hell of a lot better than sitting in my room everynight debating upon whether or not to call you. Because I know, I KNOW that when I do, you'll be busy and you'll tell me you'll call back and I'll feel terrible because you dont have time for me and I know you're not going to call back. So I lay in my bed for the rest of the night, no being able to MOVE because the sadness is so strong that it hurts to do anything but lay there and cry.
It's the summer time. It feels JUSt like last summer , when I was falling in love with you. When I had my hopes set on so many things. I convinced myself that by that time next year, everything would be alright. Everything would be better. But here we are, and everything's the exact same. And it makes me feel terrible. This keeps me in bed in the morning, laying there attempting to feel nothing while I'm feeling everything. Every little thing... I feel every dust particle floating in the air, gracing my body. I feel every dead skin cell I shed fall onto the dirty sheets I'm laying on. I can feel the emptiness of the bed, my house, all those miles between us and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. So I lay there, no will to do anything.
I want to see you so badly. But I know when I do, it will be blissful every second I'm with you but as soon as you're gone I'll go back to this, and I'll have to wait in uncertainty, not knowing when I'll feel that relief again. No one can make me feel better anymore. No one but you. And you go out every night, searching for that relief. Are you finding it? Oh, if you're not, just please go home, go home and call me. Call me and close your eyes and I'll be right there. I'll cry to know I'm really not, but pretending is the closest I can get right now.
This summertime is ripping me apart from the inside out. I cant eat or sleep. I want to cry and I do. I have to fake that I'm happy. But every minute that passes is harder to get through than the last and I have no idea how much more of this I can take.
Please come home tonight. Please lay by my side and hold me. Tell me that it's going to be alright because I really cant believe it anymore.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
it's summer time
I can feel it. In the heat outside and the air conditioning inside. It's gnawing at my insides and tearing apart my heart. I cant breathe, I want to cry.
I miss her so much.
I miss her so much.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Drrty mouth
it happens to be 2:19 in the morning. I am not sleeping.
The End, cuntbags.
The End, cuntbags.
love always,
Erro
Erro
Sunday, June 10, 2007
New Template
as you can see, I have changed my template yet again.
I've spent hours and hours trying to find a new one, trying to find someone who would make one for me... It's all come down to this. You dont like it? Deal. I think it's lovely.
No more right now. Too much on my mind, too much to do.
I'll give you something worth your time later.
I've spent hours and hours trying to find a new one, trying to find someone who would make one for me... It's all come down to this. You dont like it? Deal. I think it's lovely.
No more right now. Too much on my mind, too much to do.
I'll give you something worth your time later.
Erro
Friday, June 08, 2007
Ah-mayzing
I've 'come across' a lovely piece of literature. Though that is the biggest understatement of the millennium. It's my favorite as of now, with the ability to be in the runnings for my all time favorite.
Go, read.
perhaps I'll write something with more substance later. If I'm not feeling so intimidated by works so much better than anything I've ever written.
Go, read.
perhaps I'll write something with more substance later. If I'm not feeling so intimidated by works so much better than anything I've ever written.
Erro.
Friday, June 01, 2007
What's the Secret Anyway?
Walking past a familiar pink-clad store with breath-taking, barely clothed models in the window, many of us wonder: What is Victoria's secret? Who's Victoria anyway? I suppose there are many theories but there are two that are my favorite when it comes to the age old question.
Theory One:
Victoria's real name is Victor. And Victor's a horn dog.
Theory Two:
Victoria's a lesbian.
Theory Three:
Victoria's Victoria, but also Victor because she's also a he. Victoria's got a penis.
Now, those are the initial secrets and all can be broken down further into how it all got started with entertaining twists and turns that I'm pretty sure you all can come up with yourself. Because honestly, I'm done with this post. I need a new layout and I'm having one hell of a time finding one. Wish me luck.
Theory One:
Victoria's real name is Victor. And Victor's a horn dog.
Theory Two:
Victoria's a lesbian.
Theory Three:
Victoria's Victoria, but also Victor because she's also a he. Victoria's got a penis.
Now, those are the initial secrets and all can be broken down further into how it all got started with entertaining twists and turns that I'm pretty sure you all can come up with yourself. Because honestly, I'm done with this post. I need a new layout and I'm having one hell of a time finding one. Wish me luck.
ERRO
Sunday, May 13, 2007
They're Complete Opposites, and it works.
There are songs that bring back nearly painful memories of last summer. These songs make me remember so clearly that it takes my breath away, literally. A few select AFI songs really do it, playing out scenes from Des Moines in a panoramic clarity that freezes me in place, grasping air, trying to come back to the present. I cant even imagine what going back there will be like.
Mother's day at grandma's with the family today. I was sitting in the back yard grass, witnessing everyone talking, swearing, yelling, a good time had by all and I couldn't help but wish that Heather was there. I want her to meet my family, sit beside me for dinner with all of them. Laugh and joke and yell with words so vulgar that everyone with kids loathes going in fear of their little ones picking up new adjectives, nouns, and verbs. I want to be free to smile at her and have them smiling back at us. And when we leave, I want the parade of kisses that is tradition to include the both of us, without any awkwardness.
I was saddened, in the bathroom, thinking about how more likely than not, it will never happen. She wont witness the fights and drama and ear-splitting conversations that go on in my grandmother's house at every major holiday when all the family gathers into that tiny, rundown shack. I want her there with me, I want to feel whole in my family. But the cruel reality is that I will be forced to stay in hiding.
But hopefully her family gathers like mine. Hopefully we can go together to hers and be accepted. I want to be a part of hers nearly as bad as I want her to be a part of mine. Even though I know it's more likely to happen for me than for her.
And with that, it's off to bed.
Mother's day at grandma's with the family today. I was sitting in the back yard grass, witnessing everyone talking, swearing, yelling, a good time had by all and I couldn't help but wish that Heather was there. I want her to meet my family, sit beside me for dinner with all of them. Laugh and joke and yell with words so vulgar that everyone with kids loathes going in fear of their little ones picking up new adjectives, nouns, and verbs. I want to be free to smile at her and have them smiling back at us. And when we leave, I want the parade of kisses that is tradition to include the both of us, without any awkwardness.
I was saddened, in the bathroom, thinking about how more likely than not, it will never happen. She wont witness the fights and drama and ear-splitting conversations that go on in my grandmother's house at every major holiday when all the family gathers into that tiny, rundown shack. I want her there with me, I want to feel whole in my family. But the cruel reality is that I will be forced to stay in hiding.
But hopefully her family gathers like mine. Hopefully we can go together to hers and be accepted. I want to be a part of hers nearly as bad as I want her to be a part of mine. Even though I know it's more likely to happen for me than for her.
And with that, it's off to bed.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Ten.
Ten months tonight. It's warm, but not as warm as it was that day, not nearly as warm as it was in those air conditioned stairs. And in celebration of the events that took place on this evening so long ago, we'll recount it. Let's see how much I remember. But before that, I've found that I cannot listen to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It takes me back to the beginning of the school year when my world exploded. It makes me feel all those emotions again and I hated that time. So yes, now, my recollection of The Stairs:
She's looking at me and I'm hanging on every word. It's hard for me to believe that our walk has ended up here. She's sitting a stair above me, filling up her ten minutes with words. As her deadline draws near, I see that she has no intention of making it, even though I believe I knew it already. She seems completely at ease while I'm sitting there, heart pounding and butterflies tearing holes in my stomach. She seems so sure of herself, she has a confidence that I wish I could have a fraction of. But I remind myself that she knows what she's doing, and I have no idea. My brain is so noisy and so silent all at the same time as I concentrate on her words, on the moment. A gap between us is slowly closing and before I know it, I'm kissing a girl I met only the day before. Without me knowing it, this is the first of many crazy things I'm going to be doing in the coming months. I pull away from the kiss first, lungs desperate for oxygen that seems to have been sucked off of the entire earth. I see blue eyes looking into mine, the most amazing red hair I've seen in my life framing them. This does nothing for my problems with breathing. The next twenty minutes are spent in almost complete silence. Except for the sounds of kissing and breathing. We play a game and I lose, because that's what I do. We're climbing the stairs and my motor functions are failing, but I know it's just because I want to put off goodbye. Floor number five and she's kissing my neck, then my collar bone, my chest, and I cannot breathe. Nor do I want to. I'm reveling in the moment, not needing oxygen. Past my belly button and stops just above the waistline of my shorts. She just looks up at me and smiles as I take in that breath I've been holding. She kisses back up the ways she came down and with my eyes closed I clumsily get my lips to meet hers. Up more stairs to an unexplainable ledge, later to be decided that the architects put it there just for them. She's sitting on it and kissing me from above, me standing between her knees. My hands are on her thighs and without me knowing it, start to move closer to her body. I only become aware when she puts her hands on top of mine. I draw back and blush. Then she takes my face in her hands and runs her fingers along my features. Confused, I ask her what she's doing and she replies: Remembering you. I know it's something I'll never forget. I smile and lean into her and she wraps her arms around me. We stay like that for a long minute then she gets down. We kiss some more until her phone interrupts, telling her that she really needs to go. She kisses me again, looks me in the eyes and tells me she has to go. Then she starts up the stairs, up two flights when she only needs to go up one. Back down one and through a door. I get a quick glimpse of her family waiting for her and they seem to see me hidden in the stairs. Then she's gone. And I'm left to walk all the way back down and try to resume my life the way it was before she came into it.
Never did I imagine my life would change so dramatically, so wonderfully, in two days. But it did, and I've never been happier.
She's looking at me and I'm hanging on every word. It's hard for me to believe that our walk has ended up here. She's sitting a stair above me, filling up her ten minutes with words. As her deadline draws near, I see that she has no intention of making it, even though I believe I knew it already. She seems completely at ease while I'm sitting there, heart pounding and butterflies tearing holes in my stomach. She seems so sure of herself, she has a confidence that I wish I could have a fraction of. But I remind myself that she knows what she's doing, and I have no idea. My brain is so noisy and so silent all at the same time as I concentrate on her words, on the moment. A gap between us is slowly closing and before I know it, I'm kissing a girl I met only the day before. Without me knowing it, this is the first of many crazy things I'm going to be doing in the coming months. I pull away from the kiss first, lungs desperate for oxygen that seems to have been sucked off of the entire earth. I see blue eyes looking into mine, the most amazing red hair I've seen in my life framing them. This does nothing for my problems with breathing. The next twenty minutes are spent in almost complete silence. Except for the sounds of kissing and breathing. We play a game and I lose, because that's what I do. We're climbing the stairs and my motor functions are failing, but I know it's just because I want to put off goodbye. Floor number five and she's kissing my neck, then my collar bone, my chest, and I cannot breathe. Nor do I want to. I'm reveling in the moment, not needing oxygen. Past my belly button and stops just above the waistline of my shorts. She just looks up at me and smiles as I take in that breath I've been holding. She kisses back up the ways she came down and with my eyes closed I clumsily get my lips to meet hers. Up more stairs to an unexplainable ledge, later to be decided that the architects put it there just for them. She's sitting on it and kissing me from above, me standing between her knees. My hands are on her thighs and without me knowing it, start to move closer to her body. I only become aware when she puts her hands on top of mine. I draw back and blush. Then she takes my face in her hands and runs her fingers along my features. Confused, I ask her what she's doing and she replies: Remembering you. I know it's something I'll never forget. I smile and lean into her and she wraps her arms around me. We stay like that for a long minute then she gets down. We kiss some more until her phone interrupts, telling her that she really needs to go. She kisses me again, looks me in the eyes and tells me she has to go. Then she starts up the stairs, up two flights when she only needs to go up one. Back down one and through a door. I get a quick glimpse of her family waiting for her and they seem to see me hidden in the stairs. Then she's gone. And I'm left to walk all the way back down and try to resume my life the way it was before she came into it.
Never did I imagine my life would change so dramatically, so wonderfully, in two days. But it did, and I've never been happier.
Erro.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
A Letter to my 13 year old self
Dear Ashlee,
I know you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll get through it, shining brighter than ever before. I know you're lonely, but there's a boy just around the corner that will sweep you off your feet. But you have to watch out because it will turn sour very quickly. You'll let yourself be controlled because there isn't much else you can do. You'll be scared and so confused, but just like before, you'll get through it. How are you enjoying not doing P.E.? It's a good time, right? Yes, well, the doctors will finally decide that you have JRA. And you'll eventually stop taking the pills for the voices. But they wont come back as bad as they were, just stay there for when you need them. While you're with the boy who's making your life miserable, you'll meet another who will, in time, make everything right again and set you free. But that one wont last a year because those feelings you feel that make you feel very out of place, they will all make sense soon. Once you figure it out, don't hide it, even though I know that to a certain extent, you wont. Thirteen has been hard and so will be fourteen. But fifteen will be better, even though it too will be filled with disappointment. But pay attention, you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way. When you're fifteen, you'll get very sick. You'll lose weight and hate yourself because you're only skin and bones. I know it'll hurt, I know you'll be tired, but just keep going, you get through it. At the end of your freshman year, you'll go to Dallas and find out what it really is like to be on your own. You'll fall in love with that feeling and long for it every second that you dont have it. You'll have to wait for a long while, but you'll get there and everything will be amazing. You'll go to prom. I'm so proud of you for not doing what everyone else was. You stayed sober even though it was so painful to be left out. It's oh kay to cry in the bathroom and be angry. You have every right. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though I know how hard that is. At the end of your freshman year (which wasn't as scary as you'll think it will be) you'll start to figure out what those feelings were. You'll get into a relationship with Katie, the one you've been eyeing for so long. But you'll find out fast that she's not as great as you thought. But soon, someone a million times greater will come along, I promise. That summer, you'll fall in love with Becky, who you'll meet at the pageant you'll be in the summer before. That too wont be as scary as you think it will be. But just a week later, you'll fall in love with someone else. You're going to meet a girl who teaches you a lot about yourself, but be ready, she's a lot to handle. Her name's Heather, by the way. She'll be the girl with red hair and the AFI shirt. Yes, you'll hang onto those boys for a long time. And Decemberunderground is amazing, just to let you know. You'll not only fall in love with Heather, but with the summer time and the city. You'll make plans for your future that is coming very quickly towards you. Sophomore year will start and you'll go through quite an ordeal with mom. She'll never be the same to you again, just so you know. You'll learn not to expect things. You'll also get a lot more rebellious than you ever have been. Which isn't much. But it's enough. You still will have a strong sense of right and wrong. Christmas time, I'm sad to inform you, will lose it's luster. But just after Christmas comes Valentine's Day and although it will seem like all hope is lost, it isn't and something utterly amazing will happen. Keep holding on. We'll get through. You're modeling company will call and you'll get a job. It'll be the ride you need to set your life moving. Stay patient, even though it'll be hard.
I'm proud of you for getting this far. Get us even further.
love,
Ashlee
I know you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll get through it, shining brighter than ever before. I know you're lonely, but there's a boy just around the corner that will sweep you off your feet. But you have to watch out because it will turn sour very quickly. You'll let yourself be controlled because there isn't much else you can do. You'll be scared and so confused, but just like before, you'll get through it. How are you enjoying not doing P.E.? It's a good time, right? Yes, well, the doctors will finally decide that you have JRA. And you'll eventually stop taking the pills for the voices. But they wont come back as bad as they were, just stay there for when you need them. While you're with the boy who's making your life miserable, you'll meet another who will, in time, make everything right again and set you free. But that one wont last a year because those feelings you feel that make you feel very out of place, they will all make sense soon. Once you figure it out, don't hide it, even though I know that to a certain extent, you wont. Thirteen has been hard and so will be fourteen. But fifteen will be better, even though it too will be filled with disappointment. But pay attention, you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way. When you're fifteen, you'll get very sick. You'll lose weight and hate yourself because you're only skin and bones. I know it'll hurt, I know you'll be tired, but just keep going, you get through it. At the end of your freshman year, you'll go to Dallas and find out what it really is like to be on your own. You'll fall in love with that feeling and long for it every second that you dont have it. You'll have to wait for a long while, but you'll get there and everything will be amazing. You'll go to prom. I'm so proud of you for not doing what everyone else was. You stayed sober even though it was so painful to be left out. It's oh kay to cry in the bathroom and be angry. You have every right. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though I know how hard that is. At the end of your freshman year (which wasn't as scary as you'll think it will be) you'll start to figure out what those feelings were. You'll get into a relationship with Katie, the one you've been eyeing for so long. But you'll find out fast that she's not as great as you thought. But soon, someone a million times greater will come along, I promise. That summer, you'll fall in love with Becky, who you'll meet at the pageant you'll be in the summer before. That too wont be as scary as you think it will be. But just a week later, you'll fall in love with someone else. You're going to meet a girl who teaches you a lot about yourself, but be ready, she's a lot to handle. Her name's Heather, by the way. She'll be the girl with red hair and the AFI shirt. Yes, you'll hang onto those boys for a long time. And Decemberunderground is amazing, just to let you know. You'll not only fall in love with Heather, but with the summer time and the city. You'll make plans for your future that is coming very quickly towards you. Sophomore year will start and you'll go through quite an ordeal with mom. She'll never be the same to you again, just so you know. You'll learn not to expect things. You'll also get a lot more rebellious than you ever have been. Which isn't much. But it's enough. You still will have a strong sense of right and wrong. Christmas time, I'm sad to inform you, will lose it's luster. But just after Christmas comes Valentine's Day and although it will seem like all hope is lost, it isn't and something utterly amazing will happen. Keep holding on. We'll get through. You're modeling company will call and you'll get a job. It'll be the ride you need to set your life moving. Stay patient, even though it'll be hard.
I'm proud of you for getting this far. Get us even further.
love,
Ashlee
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather Pt. IV
Heather,
You have this uncanny ability to make my day the most beautiful or the most horrible that I've had. You make me feel so good and you make me feel so bad. But really, there's just one thing that really gets under my skin, tears at my nerves, sending me reeling, convulsing on the ground from the parasites chewing through my nerves that control my motor functions. Of course, this never happens, but what does is basically the equivalent.
What's this thing you do? Going out. Going out and getting drunk or high. It bothers me on so many different levels. I get jealous that you can do those things and I cannot. I get worried that you're going to die driving drunk or an overdose on something or other or everything. I get angry because I know that at any moment, you could be forgetting who I am and sleeping with some random person. You go out whenever you want, school night or no. Most times, you're going out to do something you shouldn't be doing when you could stay home and keep me company all night. The feeling that I get when you do this... it doesn't have a name. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you are going out because it's a billion times more enjoyable than talking with me. And especially tonight, that's what gets me the most. We haven't had contact for weeks. Weeks, Heather. I'm lonely as shit. I don't get the attention I need. Sure, I may be demanding and selfish but I don't give a fuck anymore.
But at the same time, when I'm feeling so shitty about all of this, I feel guilty about wanting you to stay here with me when you could be out having a better time. I don't want to keep you from that. I just wish you had the desire to stay with me more than you had the desire to go out and get shitfaced all the time.
But hell, what am I talking about? Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe I'm really not worth it.
Because I sure as hell don't feel worth it.
You have this uncanny ability to make my day the most beautiful or the most horrible that I've had. You make me feel so good and you make me feel so bad. But really, there's just one thing that really gets under my skin, tears at my nerves, sending me reeling, convulsing on the ground from the parasites chewing through my nerves that control my motor functions. Of course, this never happens, but what does is basically the equivalent.
What's this thing you do? Going out. Going out and getting drunk or high. It bothers me on so many different levels. I get jealous that you can do those things and I cannot. I get worried that you're going to die driving drunk or an overdose on something or other or everything. I get angry because I know that at any moment, you could be forgetting who I am and sleeping with some random person. You go out whenever you want, school night or no. Most times, you're going out to do something you shouldn't be doing when you could stay home and keep me company all night. The feeling that I get when you do this... it doesn't have a name. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you are going out because it's a billion times more enjoyable than talking with me. And especially tonight, that's what gets me the most. We haven't had contact for weeks. Weeks, Heather. I'm lonely as shit. I don't get the attention I need. Sure, I may be demanding and selfish but I don't give a fuck anymore.
But at the same time, when I'm feeling so shitty about all of this, I feel guilty about wanting you to stay here with me when you could be out having a better time. I don't want to keep you from that. I just wish you had the desire to stay with me more than you had the desire to go out and get shitfaced all the time.
But hell, what am I talking about? Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe I'm really not worth it.
Because I sure as hell don't feel worth it.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather Pt. III
Heather,
I would have slept all the way through the night, had it not been for a certain phone call that I nearly missed because I was already so heavily sleeping. I determined that my phone was ringing and only that, failing to take notice of the distinct ring tone it was doing. Groggily, I answered and I was greeted by that familiar voice that brings butterflies to my stomach, even when I am incoherent. Last night was the best I've had in a long time. After our little escapade, it became nearly impossible to sleep. A kind of insomnia, that kind I haven't felt in a while.
I had come to some conclusions during the past couple of weeks, when I was so angry and upset. I realized what I wanted, what I needed, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. All of those conclusions came together last night, laying in bed thinking about what had just happened. Came together to tell me something I've known all along.
Today will be a good day. My friends will say I'm ridiculous. But we both know I am. My friends will say I'm crazy and stupid. Both facts that aren't news to us. But deep down inside, my friends will be damn happy to have me back to normal. Hell, I am.
I love you.
and I love how you ask me what I said, even though you know what I said, just because you like to hear it.
I would have slept all the way through the night, had it not been for a certain phone call that I nearly missed because I was already so heavily sleeping. I determined that my phone was ringing and only that, failing to take notice of the distinct ring tone it was doing. Groggily, I answered and I was greeted by that familiar voice that brings butterflies to my stomach, even when I am incoherent. Last night was the best I've had in a long time. After our little escapade, it became nearly impossible to sleep. A kind of insomnia, that kind I haven't felt in a while.
I had come to some conclusions during the past couple of weeks, when I was so angry and upset. I realized what I wanted, what I needed, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. All of those conclusions came together last night, laying in bed thinking about what had just happened. Came together to tell me something I've known all along.
Today will be a good day. My friends will say I'm ridiculous. But we both know I am. My friends will say I'm crazy and stupid. Both facts that aren't news to us. But deep down inside, my friends will be damn happy to have me back to normal. Hell, I am.
I love you.
and I love how you ask me what I said, even though you know what I said, just because you like to hear it.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Grand March
I went to Grand March to see my beloved bestest friend in the world, Keri. She looked amazing. I couldn't believe her. I was so... proud? So I'm standing in the back because there weren't any chairs to sit in and who would walk in? Emily. Stomach dropped and I automatically looked at the sky and asked 'why God?' I'm about to die from the lack of everything, my mind is swimming with longing for Heather and WHO shows up? Emily. So I'm standing, half watching the couples half watching her, remembering why I always thought she was gorgeous. Then Keri walked out and I wanted to cry, she was so pretty. We watched the rest together, making fun of people and giggling, riding on Keri's adrenaline high. Then, I told Keri that Emily was there and she rushed over to talk to her. I got side tracked and had to take a picture of my friend, Stephanie. I finally found Keri, chatting with her and she looks at me and said Keri told her I was into her. She reached out her hand and shook mine, a very startling gesture, then proceeded to show me the top half of her boobs, saying she couldn't help that she was hot. I told her if I had boobs like that, I'd show them off as well. She told me that's why she did. All the while I'm standing there, I'm wishing I could have five minutes to hook up with her in the bathroom and everything would be fine. But of course not. I wandered around for a while longer, greeting all of my friends who were attending, wishing I was there looking gorgeous too. It soon came time to go and walking out to the car I started wandering back to Heather, my mind taking a more melancholy mood than the faux high I got from the buzzing bodies I had been around. Riding home, I lost myself somewhere in my imagination, dressed up for prom, Heather beside me. Then I thought about how cute she could potentially look in a tux and wondered if we actually did go to prom together, whether she'd wear a dress or go for a tux.
So now we're here, nearly three hours later, fallen into that familiar rut I find myself in nearly every night. I'm waiting for someone who's not going to come, refusing myself sleep I'd love to enjoy. I keep missing her, more and more, wishing she'd just get on or call because I haven't talked to her for such a long time.
So now we're here, nearly three hours later, fallen into that familiar rut I find myself in nearly every night. I'm waiting for someone who's not going to come, refusing myself sleep I'd love to enjoy. I keep missing her, more and more, wishing she'd just get on or call because I haven't talked to her for such a long time.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather Pt. II
Dear Heather,
There are things people tell me I should do. Solutions they have to my current problem that is tearing me apart. I know what I should be doing, just as I have known what I should be doing all along. But there are things we do that we know we should be doing and there are things we do just because we're following something inside of ourselves that we cant really describe, despite everything around us telling us we shouldn't be.
I was almost convinced of what people have been telling me. Convinced that it was the right thing to do, for nothing more than my safety, sanity, and happiness. But today in Biology, when I didn't have anything to do, I took out my book to read. Upon opening it I was overwhelmed with a sense of longing I've forced myself to not feel anymore. You see, inside the book are my pictures of you. Seeing you gazing out from those moments captured on paper made me re-realize what exactly it was I wanted. I talked to Stephanie as she looked through those pictures for the millionth time. About how I was hurting. What I hoped would and wouldn't happen. Before I knew it, the tears that had come when I opened the book spilled over and began to run down my face, trailing the black eyeliner I had on with it. Real tears, ones not accompanied with gasping sobs. Genuinely miserable tears. The most painful.
I don't know what to do. I cannot think about you. I cannot talk about you. My days are empty as of late. Filled with laughter which is not of the happy sort. A type of hysterical laughter that relieves some of this excruciating pain I'm in waiting for you to call. Waiting to see how this all will pan out. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I was washing my hands after lunch and stood at the sink for a full thirty seconds, not moving, lost in thought, only to come back to earth not knowing what it was I was doing. The same thing happened this morning in art class as I went to get a pass for the library. Mrs. Winter noticed and with a very concerned look on her face asked if I felt alright. I gave her my automatic defense of 'I'm fine' then half-heartedly filled out my pass.
I'm scared that my days will only get worse. I'm scared that I will soon be alone. I'm scared that if I do end up alone, I will never really recover from this. Scared no one will ever measure up to you.
You told me you'd love me forever. You told me you wanted to be with me for that long as well. I hope... I hope you haven't changed your mind. I hope what's been going on is only temporary. I hope everyone else is wrong.
Because I love you.
There are things people tell me I should do. Solutions they have to my current problem that is tearing me apart. I know what I should be doing, just as I have known what I should be doing all along. But there are things we do that we know we should be doing and there are things we do just because we're following something inside of ourselves that we cant really describe, despite everything around us telling us we shouldn't be.
I was almost convinced of what people have been telling me. Convinced that it was the right thing to do, for nothing more than my safety, sanity, and happiness. But today in Biology, when I didn't have anything to do, I took out my book to read. Upon opening it I was overwhelmed with a sense of longing I've forced myself to not feel anymore. You see, inside the book are my pictures of you. Seeing you gazing out from those moments captured on paper made me re-realize what exactly it was I wanted. I talked to Stephanie as she looked through those pictures for the millionth time. About how I was hurting. What I hoped would and wouldn't happen. Before I knew it, the tears that had come when I opened the book spilled over and began to run down my face, trailing the black eyeliner I had on with it. Real tears, ones not accompanied with gasping sobs. Genuinely miserable tears. The most painful.
I don't know what to do. I cannot think about you. I cannot talk about you. My days are empty as of late. Filled with laughter which is not of the happy sort. A type of hysterical laughter that relieves some of this excruciating pain I'm in waiting for you to call. Waiting to see how this all will pan out. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I was washing my hands after lunch and stood at the sink for a full thirty seconds, not moving, lost in thought, only to come back to earth not knowing what it was I was doing. The same thing happened this morning in art class as I went to get a pass for the library. Mrs. Winter noticed and with a very concerned look on her face asked if I felt alright. I gave her my automatic defense of 'I'm fine' then half-heartedly filled out my pass.
I'm scared that my days will only get worse. I'm scared that I will soon be alone. I'm scared that if I do end up alone, I will never really recover from this. Scared no one will ever measure up to you.
You told me you'd love me forever. You told me you wanted to be with me for that long as well. I hope... I hope you haven't changed your mind. I hope what's been going on is only temporary. I hope everyone else is wrong.
Because I love you.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather
Heather,
I will just be blunt with this. I don't feel like pretty sentences.
I hate that you don't have time for me anymore.
I hate that when I call you're always doing something.
I hate how you never call me back.
I hate calling you because I know you're either not going to answer or you'll be busy and I always feel like shit afterwards.
But I love you. Like I always will.
And I hope that you will find time for me again, soon.
Endlessly,
I will just be blunt with this. I don't feel like pretty sentences.
I hate that you don't have time for me anymore.
I hate that when I call you're always doing something.
I hate how you never call me back.
I hate calling you because I know you're either not going to answer or you'll be busy and I always feel like shit afterwards.
But I love you. Like I always will.
And I hope that you will find time for me again, soon.
Endlessly,
Friday, April 20, 2007
Fuck Me
I don't understand how I can be this lonely when I have a girlfriend...
Even though... I rarely talk to her anymore.
I have this idea in my head, that is almost turning into a compulsion to go get completely trashed and sleep with a random girl or two... Because somewhere I came up with the solution that THAT will make me feel better even though I know all too well that is will only fuck things up more.
It's like... fuck. Just fuck.
My mouse, Lolita, died today. Leaving behind a very sad lover, Bianca, who is running around the cage crying. It's so sad. I feel so bad for Bianca. It would be like losing your partner... Lolita was lying dead in the cage while Bianca was squeaking through the bars, crying over her dead lover...
Yeah, well, my lover's not dead and I feel just about as lonely as Bianca right now. The poor dear... even if she is just a fucking mouse.
Whatever. I'm going to go toss and turn in my bed whilst Heather is out, again, this weekend. Having a good time without me. And I'll sit here feeling insanely sorry for myself as always, envious of her freedom and opportunities.
Gawd, aren't we just a lovely fucked couple?
Even though... I rarely talk to her anymore.
I have this idea in my head, that is almost turning into a compulsion to go get completely trashed and sleep with a random girl or two... Because somewhere I came up with the solution that THAT will make me feel better even though I know all too well that is will only fuck things up more.
It's like... fuck. Just fuck.
My mouse, Lolita, died today. Leaving behind a very sad lover, Bianca, who is running around the cage crying. It's so sad. I feel so bad for Bianca. It would be like losing your partner... Lolita was lying dead in the cage while Bianca was squeaking through the bars, crying over her dead lover...
Yeah, well, my lover's not dead and I feel just about as lonely as Bianca right now. The poor dear... even if she is just a fucking mouse.
Whatever. I'm going to go toss and turn in my bed whilst Heather is out, again, this weekend. Having a good time without me. And I'll sit here feeling insanely sorry for myself as always, envious of her freedom and opportunities.
Gawd, aren't we just a lovely fucked couple?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Number Two Hundred
I met this girl on Monday.
Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
We were making love by Wednesday.
and on Thursday..
and on Friday...
and Saturday.
Then we chilled on Sunday.
Tell me what that's from and you'll get a mother fucking cookie (:
So yes, the title is true. This is post number two hundred since I began blogging in June of last year. If you figure it out that's about a post every three days. (Most statistics are made up on the spot. Just as that one was).
No school today. Which is probably a good thing because I am sick as fuck. I've spent my day watching music videos people have made on YouTube from scenes from the show The L Word. Mostly of Shane (Katherine Moennig). I believe I have just found my favorite celebrity. She is AH-Mayzing. Period.
Only thing with watching girls have secks with other girls is that it heightens my awareness that I am, in fact, having no secks. Someone help me out? I'm turning blue here (figuratively, of course).
Let's see... what else today... Oh, it just happens to be April Eighteenth. Heather and I have been together for nine months now. Also, it's been two months since I've seen her. It's not a very good time. Can you believe that throughout a nine month relationship I have seen my girlfriend TWICE?! Pisses me off.
Anyway.
Happy Number Two Hundred. Thank you to all of my... two? readers. Hope you've had a wonderful day.
Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
We were making love by Wednesday.
and on Thursday..
and on Friday...
and Saturday.
Then we chilled on Sunday.
Tell me what that's from and you'll get a mother fucking cookie (:
So yes, the title is true. This is post number two hundred since I began blogging in June of last year. If you figure it out that's about a post every three days. (Most statistics are made up on the spot. Just as that one was).
No school today. Which is probably a good thing because I am sick as fuck. I've spent my day watching music videos people have made on YouTube from scenes from the show The L Word. Mostly of Shane (Katherine Moennig). I believe I have just found my favorite celebrity. She is AH-Mayzing. Period.
Only thing with watching girls have secks with other girls is that it heightens my awareness that I am, in fact, having no secks. Someone help me out? I'm turning blue here (figuratively, of course).
Let's see... what else today... Oh, it just happens to be April Eighteenth. Heather and I have been together for nine months now. Also, it's been two months since I've seen her. It's not a very good time. Can you believe that throughout a nine month relationship I have seen my girlfriend TWICE?! Pisses me off.
Anyway.
Happy Number Two Hundred. Thank you to all of my... two? readers. Hope you've had a wonderful day.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Face The Facts.
She has a life. A job. Stuff to do. It uses up all of her time. Leaving none left for me.
She simply has no time for me. Whilst I'm left with all the time in the world...
She simply has no time for me. Whilst I'm left with all the time in the world...
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Fear
Sure, we all know what it is. But have you actually ever felt it?
I'm not talking about scary movie fear or monster under the bed fear.
But genuine breath-stopping-blood-draining-feel-like-you're-going-to-
puke-your-guts-out-along-with-your-lunch-shit-yourself-crying-
oh-my-gawd-where-did-all-of-the-oxygen-in-this-room-go?! fear. The kind that slaps you in the face and you're left reeling for hours. It's intense. It's terrifying. Not till today did I understand what fear, actual fear, was like.
For a full thirty seconds, I couldn't move. I didn't breathe, I didn't blink. I was frozen, like a deer in the headlights. It sounds so silly, considering nothing really bad happened. But the fact that it could have stopped me dead in my tracks.
I'm not talking about scary movie fear or monster under the bed fear.
But genuine breath-stopping-blood-draining-feel-like-you're-going-to-
puke-your-guts-out-along-with-your-lunch-shit-yourself-crying-
oh-my-gawd-where-did-all-of-the-oxygen-in-this-room-go?! fear. The kind that slaps you in the face and you're left reeling for hours. It's intense. It's terrifying. Not till today did I understand what fear, actual fear, was like.
For a full thirty seconds, I couldn't move. I didn't breathe, I didn't blink. I was frozen, like a deer in the headlights. It sounds so silly, considering nothing really bad happened. But the fact that it could have stopped me dead in my tracks.
But we cant go on every day fearing things that could happen.
Even though most days, I do.
I vow to stop as soon as I'm gone, when I'm with her and I can forget how terrible the world can be.
Even if it's just for a little while.
Erro.
Even though most days, I do.
I vow to stop as soon as I'm gone, when I'm with her and I can forget how terrible the world can be.
Even if it's just for a little while.
Erro.
Friday, April 06, 2007
The Only One
She's the only one who can
make me smile
sitting by myself
in my dark room
These smiles
are the truest I've ever
smiled
I can literally see
the happiness in my eyes
even if I cant always feel it
as much as I'd like
I've never felt like this
and don't believe that anyone else
could ever make me feel it
like she does
She's the one my heart was made for
make me smile
sitting by myself
in my dark room
These smiles
are the truest I've ever
smiled
I can literally see
the happiness in my eyes
even if I cant always feel it
as much as I'd like
I've never felt like this
and don't believe that anyone else
could ever make me feel it
like she does
She's the one my heart was made for
Oh, the Temptation.
I see a pattern that I seem to form every time I'm in a relationship. Any sort of relationship grows painful, just after the six months marker passes. I don't know how, why, or when I begin doing it, but if any sort of change arises (and it always does) I somehow turn it into a negative thing, forcing myself to feel absolutely horrid about it. I get angry, I get sad. Know where I'm going with this? Think my terrible moods as of the last month are attributed to the fact that I should just NOT be in any sort of relationship with any person on this earth, in this universe. I somehow convince myself that these changes, that are no more than that, are a sign of the other not wanting to be with me. So I search for things I do that would bring this on, beat myself up for them, and blame myself for the "downfall" that the relationship is going into. Even though it's not in a downfall at all. But it does, fall into ruin, because of my thinking it's already fallen.
How's that for fucked up?
So I see myself doing this same thing, again, with Heather. The one person I prayed would escape my dumb ways my brain works. I thought she had. I thought it was all going to be oh kay. We made it past six months without anything, past seven, past eight. But now, nearly to nine, I find myself doing it. And I hate myself for it.
The temptation of just giving up, before everything gets worse, is so alluring.
But I wont give up. I cant.
Perhaps it will get better now, seeing as I understand what is going on. Maybe I can fight it. But I have no idea why I do it. I have no idea how it happens. But I'll fight to my death, if I have to.
A war against myself, to save something that holds so much uncertainty. There's no telling when or if she'll decide that this is not what she wants. There is a very slim chance that this will last more than a few years. But I'll fight, just to feel that feeling I get from knowing her. From being with her.
This is all so complicated. So fucked up. And really, it's all my fault. She has done nothing. This is all on me.
I could ruin everything...
How's that for fucked up?
So I see myself doing this same thing, again, with Heather. The one person I prayed would escape my dumb ways my brain works. I thought she had. I thought it was all going to be oh kay. We made it past six months without anything, past seven, past eight. But now, nearly to nine, I find myself doing it. And I hate myself for it.
The temptation of just giving up, before everything gets worse, is so alluring.
But I wont give up. I cant.
Perhaps it will get better now, seeing as I understand what is going on. Maybe I can fight it. But I have no idea why I do it. I have no idea how it happens. But I'll fight to my death, if I have to.
A war against myself, to save something that holds so much uncertainty. There's no telling when or if she'll decide that this is not what she wants. There is a very slim chance that this will last more than a few years. But I'll fight, just to feel that feeling I get from knowing her. From being with her.
This is all so complicated. So fucked up. And really, it's all my fault. She has done nothing. This is all on me.
I could ruin everything...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Look at what I've done...
You'd think that maybe I'd start getting used to this by now... what's it been... almost three weeks? But no. NO. I have to sit here and feel worse with every passing second. It's getting harder to just BREATHE and get up and walk to wherever I need to go.
I feel utterly pathetic and I hate myself for how I'm reacting. I'm angry that I let myself get THIS far into everything that THIS is what's happening.
I'm a stupid, stupid, STUPID girl.
I feel utterly pathetic and I hate myself for how I'm reacting. I'm angry that I let myself get THIS far into everything that THIS is what's happening.
I'm a stupid, stupid, STUPID girl.
I don't know what I'm going to do...
Erro
Erro
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
A dream. But just a dream...
I'm finding it increasingly harder to keep a smile on my face as of late. And yet, no one has caught on that I am not having a very good time. I broke last night, crying and crying. But eventually, I fell asleep, with some much needed assistance and I dreamt the longest dream I've ever had with the most solid story line. I was amazed. The dream?
I'm at home and there's no school. I get the notion that it's summer time but it could be spring break. I'm on the phone with Heather. But soon her mom comes in and she has to pretend she's not on the phone for some reason. But her mom catches her and she has to go. I go down stairs and before I can say anything, mom goes "Why don't you call Heather and she can come over here for a couple days" Now, even in my dream state, I almost shit myself. I run upstairs and call over to the house and talk to Heather's mom. Heather answers and sounds very sad but I tel her in a hurry that I need to talk to her mom. So she gives the phone to her mom and I'm talking to her. Then my mother calls up the stairs and says something like "It would probably be better if you take your victim at her house". I start laughing and so does Heather's mom. So we make plans for me to go over there and stay. I get my stuff ready and then Mom, Dad, and I get into this little car and start driving. I tell dad I like the car. We stop at a very tiny walmart and find Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so mom buys it for me (we've been looking all over for it). We leave and get to Heather's house. I go in and she's there and we just chill in the living room with her dad for a while. Her dad tells me that I still owe him money from the rolling chair race we had last time I was there and I said I didn't have any money. He said he knew, and he lost anyway, so he had to give me the money. So he did. Then Heather and I went upstairs and I lay on her bed. Her house in the dream is nothing like her house in real life. But she's the same. Absolutely amazing. For some reason, her room isn't very bright. It's really dark, just one lamp on a table over in the corner. I don't get to say much to her before I wake up. But she was there.
I miss her. Like mad. It's becoming unbearable. Not to mention the fact that I don't get to talk to her nearly at all anymore. Which only makes it that much worse. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I don't see her soon...
I'm at home and there's no school. I get the notion that it's summer time but it could be spring break. I'm on the phone with Heather. But soon her mom comes in and she has to pretend she's not on the phone for some reason. But her mom catches her and she has to go. I go down stairs and before I can say anything, mom goes "Why don't you call Heather and she can come over here for a couple days" Now, even in my dream state, I almost shit myself. I run upstairs and call over to the house and talk to Heather's mom. Heather answers and sounds very sad but I tel her in a hurry that I need to talk to her mom. So she gives the phone to her mom and I'm talking to her. Then my mother calls up the stairs and says something like "It would probably be better if you take your victim at her house". I start laughing and so does Heather's mom. So we make plans for me to go over there and stay. I get my stuff ready and then Mom, Dad, and I get into this little car and start driving. I tell dad I like the car. We stop at a very tiny walmart and find Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so mom buys it for me (we've been looking all over for it). We leave and get to Heather's house. I go in and she's there and we just chill in the living room with her dad for a while. Her dad tells me that I still owe him money from the rolling chair race we had last time I was there and I said I didn't have any money. He said he knew, and he lost anyway, so he had to give me the money. So he did. Then Heather and I went upstairs and I lay on her bed. Her house in the dream is nothing like her house in real life. But she's the same. Absolutely amazing. For some reason, her room isn't very bright. It's really dark, just one lamp on a table over in the corner. I don't get to say much to her before I wake up. But she was there.
I miss her. Like mad. It's becoming unbearable. Not to mention the fact that I don't get to talk to her nearly at all anymore. Which only makes it that much worse. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I don't see her soon...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Somedays, It's necessary to belt "It's Raining Men". Even when it's not, and you wouldnt care if it were because you are, in fact, a lesbian.
It's been a good day. I feel very accomplished.
I did two math tests- one standardized and one for algebra, gave a forty minute presentation on cyberbullying, began my first painting on canvas, finished a five page report that is worth a total of seven HUNDRED points, almost didn't get it printed off, lost my mind, read a chapter on the digestive system, watched a movie about fat, turned in my report along with the rough draft- note cards- working bibliography- all the internet research- peer revising- and every other little thing I used to write it, and crammed all the info I could into my brain about Napoleon who took over France for the test on Monday.
I dont know about you, but that's one hell of a lot for me to get finished in one day. Tonight I have my driver's ed final and tomorrow is solo/ensemble contest.
My fingers are flying to finish this entry because I have to leave in negative two minutes. I suppose I'll write something a bit more entertaining later when I get home. I'm in the mood to write.
I did two math tests- one standardized and one for algebra, gave a forty minute presentation on cyberbullying, began my first painting on canvas, finished a five page report that is worth a total of seven HUNDRED points, almost didn't get it printed off, lost my mind, read a chapter on the digestive system, watched a movie about fat, turned in my report along with the rough draft- note cards- working bibliography- all the internet research- peer revising- and every other little thing I used to write it, and crammed all the info I could into my brain about Napoleon who took over France for the test on Monday.
I dont know about you, but that's one hell of a lot for me to get finished in one day. Tonight I have my driver's ed final and tomorrow is solo/ensemble contest.
My fingers are flying to finish this entry because I have to leave in negative two minutes. I suppose I'll write something a bit more entertaining later when I get home. I'm in the mood to write.
Erro
Sunday, March 25, 2007
what if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker and everything is just a lie...
"there's always this one question that keeps me up at night are you my greatest love or disappointment in my life"
That one line in the song is the one that applies the most, even though the whole song pretty much sums up all of the emotions that come with being with her. It's always been the question, from the very beginning, proving to be more true with each passing month. Now, after nearly nine months with her, I'm feeling it more than ever. This, along with so many fears.
I'm scared to call, fearful that she'll be busy and I'll hear that tone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm terrified to find that out. My biggest fear, that she'll leave me, that she'll leave me soon. Perhaps that's why she hasn't called. Maybe that's why this week has seemed so empty; that emptiness could be the sudden absence of her love. Or wait, a scary thought, what if it was never there at all? I feel so insecure and vulnerable.
She has my heart in her hands. Dear God, just don't let her drop it.
I hate this feeling. I've felt it all week. The only cure is when she's calling, talking to me just like she always does. It's only then that I'm assured that nothing has changed. The absence of her voice gives me room to wander, scoping the very real possibilities of this relationship.
She has a terrible track record. She's cheated on me and lied. We both know there's about a 99.9% chance that she'll do it again, over and over. I'm setting myself up for heartache, no matter what I do. I stay with her and she's going to hurt me. Stay with her, and she might leave. Or I leave, which plain and simply isn't an option. But if it were, it would cause more hurt than the others. A grand conundrum, just as always.
But I will continue to sit here, waiting for her calls. Waiting for the chance to be happy. Waiting for my time.
That one line in the song is the one that applies the most, even though the whole song pretty much sums up all of the emotions that come with being with her. It's always been the question, from the very beginning, proving to be more true with each passing month. Now, after nearly nine months with her, I'm feeling it more than ever. This, along with so many fears.
I'm scared to call, fearful that she'll be busy and I'll hear that tone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm terrified to find that out. My biggest fear, that she'll leave me, that she'll leave me soon. Perhaps that's why she hasn't called. Maybe that's why this week has seemed so empty; that emptiness could be the sudden absence of her love. Or wait, a scary thought, what if it was never there at all? I feel so insecure and vulnerable.
She has my heart in her hands. Dear God, just don't let her drop it.
I hate this feeling. I've felt it all week. The only cure is when she's calling, talking to me just like she always does. It's only then that I'm assured that nothing has changed. The absence of her voice gives me room to wander, scoping the very real possibilities of this relationship.
She has a terrible track record. She's cheated on me and lied. We both know there's about a 99.9% chance that she'll do it again, over and over. I'm setting myself up for heartache, no matter what I do. I stay with her and she's going to hurt me. Stay with her, and she might leave. Or I leave, which plain and simply isn't an option. But if it were, it would cause more hurt than the others. A grand conundrum, just as always.
But I will continue to sit here, waiting for her calls. Waiting for the chance to be happy. Waiting for my time.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
A Dream
This is a dream I had... two weekends ago, when my world fell apart then put itself back together again. The beginning of my three consecutive horrible weekends.
I'm moving along with the pounding of the music that fills the air around me. In the mass of so many writhing bodies, I've lost her. I always feel very lost in this place without her dancing beside me so I leave the floor to find her. I push through people rubbing up against one another, my ass being not so subtly grabbed by at least three different strangers on the way. I make out her face in a dark corner, with the flashing of the strobe lights my only way of identifying her. As I move closer, I see her, drink in hand, giving mouth to mouth to some blond broad with a huge chest. Soon, there's not a wall of people in my way, I cant tell if my five foot body leveled them all or not. My hand bats the glass from her hand and I feel it two seconds late. She looks up at me with surprise and guilt. Like catching your brother masturbating to gay porn in the bathroom. I scream at her twice as loud as the music, telling her to go home. She doesn't say anything, nor does she move. Just gives me that look that tells me that I have no right coming over here and ruining her good time. blond bitch sees this as her chance to get all up in MY face. I go silent, hate pouring from my retinas. I've hit her right across the cheek, my hand feeling it again too late. I get a handful of razor sharp salon nails clawed across my skin as a rebuttal. My two second time limit has come and gone and I still don't feel anything but warmth which must be the blood running down my face. I throw my loving girlfriend the most resentful look that could ever be created and walk out onto the hot humid streets of Des Moines.
I've stormed down a block and a half when I hear the doors open, pouring the dance music out onto the streets. I don't have to look back to know it's her. Her quick steps turn into running feet as she catches up to me. She's yelling something like "I'm sorry, slow down." but I cant concentrate on her words. I feel her hand on my shoulder and I try to not let her turn me around. But I've always been not as strong as she was.
I see a look in her eyes when she sees my cheek. It must be worse than I thought. She slowly reaches up to touch it and I wince. She pulls her hand away and I see blood on her finger tips. This makes me even more angry.
"Why do we always have to do this?! Why do you always have to do this?!" I yell at her, even though she's inches away from me. I turn away, ripping myself from her grip and run the rest of the two blocks to our apartment. I skip the elevator and go up five flights of stairs. Fumbling for my keys as I get to the door, I'm cursing under my breath that I'm still doing this. Once the door's unlocked I shove it open, sending it slamming into the wall inside. The force of it swings it back towards the frame, it still having enough gusto to slam shut. On my way to the kitchen, I grab her cigarettes from the coffee table. I tear at the box and rip them all up, leaving them scattered on the floor. I open the cupboard and throw every bottle of whiskey, vodka, and tequila that we have onto the floor, creating a sea of glass shards and multicolored liquid.
Suddenly, all energy I have gives out and I collapse into a heap on the kitchen floor, on top of the broken glass. I can feel it piercing my skin and ripping holes in my clothes as I lay crying. Over top my racket I'm making I hear footsteps on the stairs and the door opening. Then she runs in, calling my name. She must see me so pathetically laying on the floor because she stops. Her movement and her yelling. Her shoes crunch across the linoleum, and through my tear filled eyes I see a blurry figure of her.
I hear her telling me she's sorry, that she wont do it again. I've heard it so many times before. Almost like an echo now. I know she's sorry. But I know it will happen again. I don't understand why I keep going. I'm trying to rationalize it all in my mind and she lifts me from the ground, carrying me, dripping with blood, alcohol, and sweat, into the bathroom. I'm standing in front of her, and she's taking off my clothes slowly so it doesn't hurt as much. She inspects my wounds for extra bits of glass and runs hot water in our shower. She does it all without looking at me. I know it's because she's blaming it all on herself. It's tearing her up inside. I don't know if my tears have stopped but she puts me in the shower and I have no way to tell. Seconds later I'm joined, her arms wrapping gently around me. She waits for the blood to rinse off my body, watching the red streams flow down my porcelain skin. She lightly places her finger tips on my cheek, using her thumb to wipe away the blood that's still there. I wait for her eyes to find mine and when they do, I see it there, in her eyes. The same look I see when she tells me she loves me. The look that assures me that she does.
My mind tells me that this is why I don't give up. Because I love this girl. No matter how many times she'll hurt me I always will. Because she loves me. I kiss her, just as I do every time she's made a mistake. In that kiss, I let her know that I forgive her. When the water has washed away all of the reminders of the night, we make our way to our bedroom and climb into the clean sheets. And we make love like it's the first time, leaving our wounds forgotten until tomorrow.
That's all I have for tonight. It's off to bed without a phone call from her, again. I miss her.
I'm moving along with the pounding of the music that fills the air around me. In the mass of so many writhing bodies, I've lost her. I always feel very lost in this place without her dancing beside me so I leave the floor to find her. I push through people rubbing up against one another, my ass being not so subtly grabbed by at least three different strangers on the way. I make out her face in a dark corner, with the flashing of the strobe lights my only way of identifying her. As I move closer, I see her, drink in hand, giving mouth to mouth to some blond broad with a huge chest. Soon, there's not a wall of people in my way, I cant tell if my five foot body leveled them all or not. My hand bats the glass from her hand and I feel it two seconds late. She looks up at me with surprise and guilt. Like catching your brother masturbating to gay porn in the bathroom. I scream at her twice as loud as the music, telling her to go home. She doesn't say anything, nor does she move. Just gives me that look that tells me that I have no right coming over here and ruining her good time. blond bitch sees this as her chance to get all up in MY face. I go silent, hate pouring from my retinas. I've hit her right across the cheek, my hand feeling it again too late. I get a handful of razor sharp salon nails clawed across my skin as a rebuttal. My two second time limit has come and gone and I still don't feel anything but warmth which must be the blood running down my face. I throw my loving girlfriend the most resentful look that could ever be created and walk out onto the hot humid streets of Des Moines.
I've stormed down a block and a half when I hear the doors open, pouring the dance music out onto the streets. I don't have to look back to know it's her. Her quick steps turn into running feet as she catches up to me. She's yelling something like "I'm sorry, slow down." but I cant concentrate on her words. I feel her hand on my shoulder and I try to not let her turn me around. But I've always been not as strong as she was.
I see a look in her eyes when she sees my cheek. It must be worse than I thought. She slowly reaches up to touch it and I wince. She pulls her hand away and I see blood on her finger tips. This makes me even more angry.
"Why do we always have to do this?! Why do you always have to do this?!" I yell at her, even though she's inches away from me. I turn away, ripping myself from her grip and run the rest of the two blocks to our apartment. I skip the elevator and go up five flights of stairs. Fumbling for my keys as I get to the door, I'm cursing under my breath that I'm still doing this. Once the door's unlocked I shove it open, sending it slamming into the wall inside. The force of it swings it back towards the frame, it still having enough gusto to slam shut. On my way to the kitchen, I grab her cigarettes from the coffee table. I tear at the box and rip them all up, leaving them scattered on the floor. I open the cupboard and throw every bottle of whiskey, vodka, and tequila that we have onto the floor, creating a sea of glass shards and multicolored liquid.
Suddenly, all energy I have gives out and I collapse into a heap on the kitchen floor, on top of the broken glass. I can feel it piercing my skin and ripping holes in my clothes as I lay crying. Over top my racket I'm making I hear footsteps on the stairs and the door opening. Then she runs in, calling my name. She must see me so pathetically laying on the floor because she stops. Her movement and her yelling. Her shoes crunch across the linoleum, and through my tear filled eyes I see a blurry figure of her.
I hear her telling me she's sorry, that she wont do it again. I've heard it so many times before. Almost like an echo now. I know she's sorry. But I know it will happen again. I don't understand why I keep going. I'm trying to rationalize it all in my mind and she lifts me from the ground, carrying me, dripping with blood, alcohol, and sweat, into the bathroom. I'm standing in front of her, and she's taking off my clothes slowly so it doesn't hurt as much. She inspects my wounds for extra bits of glass and runs hot water in our shower. She does it all without looking at me. I know it's because she's blaming it all on herself. It's tearing her up inside. I don't know if my tears have stopped but she puts me in the shower and I have no way to tell. Seconds later I'm joined, her arms wrapping gently around me. She waits for the blood to rinse off my body, watching the red streams flow down my porcelain skin. She lightly places her finger tips on my cheek, using her thumb to wipe away the blood that's still there. I wait for her eyes to find mine and when they do, I see it there, in her eyes. The same look I see when she tells me she loves me. The look that assures me that she does.
My mind tells me that this is why I don't give up. Because I love this girl. No matter how many times she'll hurt me I always will. Because she loves me. I kiss her, just as I do every time she's made a mistake. In that kiss, I let her know that I forgive her. When the water has washed away all of the reminders of the night, we make our way to our bedroom and climb into the clean sheets. And we make love like it's the first time, leaving our wounds forgotten until tomorrow.
That's all I have for tonight. It's off to bed without a phone call from her, again. I miss her.
Friday, March 23, 2007
No Goals.
I don't set goals for myself. I don't want to be anything. I have no idea what I want to do with my life outside of being happy. That's what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be happy.
I'll fight for that happiness until I achieve it. That's all I want, the only thing that will make everything worthwhile. Happiness.
I'd write more, but I haven't anything to say. Nothing for you to read, nothing you care for.
I'll fight for that happiness until I achieve it. That's all I want, the only thing that will make everything worthwhile. Happiness.
I'd write more, but I haven't anything to say. Nothing for you to read, nothing you care for.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
I turn the music up so it drowns us out.
There's a sort of relief I get dreaming about the future. Creating brilliant schemes of how it will be. The one that brings the most comfort is my trip to Des Moines this summer. A year after last summer's; where it all began. I imagine the city will be just as it was, only it will hold a sort of magic. Though the magical essence isn't the city itself, but rather someone there. Someone precious. Someone cherished and forever immortalized in that very city. A city of wonder.
I long for it to be summertime. When the air is sweet and filled with moisture and the heat is staggering. I long for sunshine and warm downpours. But most of all, I long for her, and the feelings she brought to the summer time. Feelings that will forever after be felt in the summertime, whether or not she's in my life.
She made a magic time even more so. My favorite of the year holds that much more appeal. As does the rest of my days since her. They've been glorious and terrible but all the while they were wonderful, because she's here.
I long for it to be summertime. When the air is sweet and filled with moisture and the heat is staggering. I long for sunshine and warm downpours. But most of all, I long for her, and the feelings she brought to the summer time. Feelings that will forever after be felt in the summertime, whether or not she's in my life.
She made a magic time even more so. My favorite of the year holds that much more appeal. As does the rest of my days since her. They've been glorious and terrible but all the while they were wonderful, because she's here.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Where's the Rain?
It's supposed to be raining.
That's why I'm still here. Having the shittiest time I've had in a long time. Which is saying a lot, because nothing is above terribly mediocre lately.
The sun shouldn't be shining. The birds should shut their carnivorous beaks that are mocking me outside of my window.
Fuck.
That's why I'm still here. Having the shittiest time I've had in a long time. Which is saying a lot, because nothing is above terribly mediocre lately.
The sun shouldn't be shining. The birds should shut their carnivorous beaks that are mocking me outside of my window.
Fuck.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
What A Load Of Carp. Yes, you heard me, Carp.
Reading over old entries, I'm starting to wonder where my crazy smart kid ramblings went to. Big words and beautifully put together sentences seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way to now.
But do I honestly care? No. Not right at the moment.
You see, I would have written about it earlier, but we were going to do this little surprise thing for Heather. Her mom was going to come pick me up and I was going to go down and stay there for the weekend. It was going to be a huge amazing surprise and I was going to be happy, crazy happy. I was so proud of myself for actually asking my mom because that was a BIG! deal. I hope you're proud of me too because if you're not then you just suck. So I had to ask again because I didn't get an answer the first time and you know what mom used as an excuse?! It's going to rain.
Me. Angry. It goes without saying, huh?
So I was going to have an awesome amazing weekend NOT sitting here alone and you know, the fact that I was going to be with Heather made everything about a billion times better and I cant go because it's going to RAIN.
Right at this point, I really don't care where I go, even though the one place I want to go is there, just because I haven't been out of the house, I don't go out of the house, I don't get to do ANYTHING.
ass.
well, on a bit of a happier note though it is a bit worn out by now and frankly the whole "I'm really proud of myself and blah blah blah" is kind of gone: I'm at 99% in advance algebra... I was super excited and just... wow... you know, because that's a crazy good thing... but now it's all kind of lost it's luster somewhere underneath severe anger and depression and exhaustion.
but whatever. I'm done caring for now.
But do I honestly care? No. Not right at the moment.
You see, I would have written about it earlier, but we were going to do this little surprise thing for Heather. Her mom was going to come pick me up and I was going to go down and stay there for the weekend. It was going to be a huge amazing surprise and I was going to be happy, crazy happy. I was so proud of myself for actually asking my mom because that was a BIG! deal. I hope you're proud of me too because if you're not then you just suck. So I had to ask again because I didn't get an answer the first time and you know what mom used as an excuse?! It's going to rain.
Me. Angry. It goes without saying, huh?
So I was going to have an awesome amazing weekend NOT sitting here alone and you know, the fact that I was going to be with Heather made everything about a billion times better and I cant go because it's going to RAIN.
Right at this point, I really don't care where I go, even though the one place I want to go is there, just because I haven't been out of the house, I don't go out of the house, I don't get to do ANYTHING.
ass.
well, on a bit of a happier note though it is a bit worn out by now and frankly the whole "I'm really proud of myself and blah blah blah" is kind of gone: I'm at 99% in advance algebra... I was super excited and just... wow... you know, because that's a crazy good thing... but now it's all kind of lost it's luster somewhere underneath severe anger and depression and exhaustion.
but whatever. I'm done caring for now.
Erro.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The Sun Shouldnt Shine Today
At first glance... I'm just tired from the time change.
I know I'm tired from my late night.
At first glance... I'm distant because I'm tired.
I know I'm distant because there's other things on my mind.
The sun has no right to be shining so magnificently. It's laughing right in my face. "I told you so, I told you so. You had it coming, you knew it" I politely scream profanities back at the sky.
I haven't felt this bad in ages.
I know I'm tired from my late night.
At first glance... I'm distant because I'm tired.
I know I'm distant because there's other things on my mind.
The sun has no right to be shining so magnificently. It's laughing right in my face. "I told you so, I told you so. You had it coming, you knew it" I politely scream profanities back at the sky.
I haven't felt this bad in ages.
Erro
Friday, March 09, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Yeah, the haircut's hot, but this has got to stop. Good shoes wont save you this time.
Happy Half Birthday to me, to me! Happy Half Birthday to me!
I think I like half birthdays more than actual birthdays.
Wish me a happy one, damn it. Even if it's late.
I think I like half birthdays more than actual birthdays.
Wish me a happy one, damn it. Even if it's late.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
It has been brought to my attention...
That all of my most recent posts have been some what... whiny... and severely depressing. Which sort of makes sense because that's how I've been feeling, but anywho, I just thought you'd enjoy a cheery post.
Started Driver's Ed which is not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. I sleep through the night now that I'm not going to bed at seven thirty post meridiem. ANNND I'm going to hopefully have my license by the end of April.
What else is cheery? It should be getting warm soon. Means I wont get to be sheet white anymore. I wont glow in the dark. That's good, right?
I am in love and it's wonderful, even if you cant tell from my posts. I really am having the time of my life. I am getting all A's in school? A good thing I suppose. I just recently got a sticker on my advanced algebra quiz. That made me very happy.
Right at present I'm informing one of my old friends about my newly formed secks life. It's a good time.
But that's enough cheer for now.
Started Driver's Ed which is not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. I sleep through the night now that I'm not going to bed at seven thirty post meridiem. ANNND I'm going to hopefully have my license by the end of April.
What else is cheery? It should be getting warm soon. Means I wont get to be sheet white anymore. I wont glow in the dark. That's good, right?
I am in love and it's wonderful, even if you cant tell from my posts. I really am having the time of my life. I am getting all A's in school? A good thing I suppose. I just recently got a sticker on my advanced algebra quiz. That made me very happy.
Right at present I'm informing one of my old friends about my newly formed secks life. It's a good time.
But that's enough cheer for now.
Erro.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
My body is screaming profanities at my mind which has shut almost completely down. My back hurts, I think my uterus is inflamed with something that makes it swell so it hurts so badly when I bend over and I need to shave. Falling is taking so long, just as I thought I was at the bottom, I just keep getting worse and worse. Perhaps it's my visits to her. Those bring me up a few notches, making it take more time to reach the bottom.
Driver's Ed starts tomorrow. From six till nine three nights this week, then the chorus concert. We get tear down this time, so add on a few more minutes. Four late nights and then a weekend that's empty. Again. What a joy these next days will be. I'm not used to being busy. I'm used to being homebound and hermit-ish because my mother is afraid of me getting any exposure to anything in this world. So I stay at home and she stays mad at me.
Heather told me I should tell my mother I love her. It's important. I asked why and I didn't get an answer. Just is important. I don't even feel bad about not wanting to. The more days I spend like this, the more I just want to leave and never come back. It's not that I'm blaming anyone. If anyone's to really blame, it's me. But I've been cooped up in this damned house for too long to give a shit about compassion to the one who's keeping me here, whatever the fuck her intentions are.
I wonder if I'll ever stop being so angry.
Fuck, I'm so tired already.
I'll cry tonight.
Driver's Ed starts tomorrow. From six till nine three nights this week, then the chorus concert. We get tear down this time, so add on a few more minutes. Four late nights and then a weekend that's empty. Again. What a joy these next days will be. I'm not used to being busy. I'm used to being homebound and hermit-ish because my mother is afraid of me getting any exposure to anything in this world. So I stay at home and she stays mad at me.
Heather told me I should tell my mother I love her. It's important. I asked why and I didn't get an answer. Just is important. I don't even feel bad about not wanting to. The more days I spend like this, the more I just want to leave and never come back. It's not that I'm blaming anyone. If anyone's to really blame, it's me. But I've been cooped up in this damned house for too long to give a shit about compassion to the one who's keeping me here, whatever the fuck her intentions are.
I wonder if I'll ever stop being so angry.
Fuck, I'm so tired already.
I'll cry tonight.
Erro.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
that four letter word
Have you ever loved someone so much that it doesn't matter what they do wrong, you love them more anyway? Have you ever loved someone so much that it didn't even come close to making sense? Have you ever known that you would normally be hurt by something someone you love just told you but it didn't hurt nearly at all just because you love them? This sounds so backwards because wouldn't it make more sense if you were more hurt because it was someone you cared about? It seems so backwards to me... Perhaps it's the simple fact that they do love you, you can tell so much, that as long as they do love you like they do, it's never going to matter what wrong they do. Any hurt you have is made better almost instantaneously because you know, you don't know how but you do, that they love you.
Love is so confusing... and so wonderful and terrible and makes wrongs right and rights even more right.
Love is so confusing... and so wonderful and terrible and makes wrongs right and rights even more right.
Erro.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Damage Control
As of late I have been assigning myself to take care of those who matter to me. More so than I have done before. I've become some sort of guardian. Looking after them and correcting all that has been made wrong. I fix their world, or attempt to, putting them back together so they can carry on and find happiness. Happiness I get barely a glance at. It's left me wondering, today as I have found another whom I need to save, who saves me? Right now, as I am so confused about everything around me, I am searching for anyone who needs assistance. Why I am drawn to helping those who need it when my need to be saved is at a maximum is beyond me.
Though I would like to save every one of them, the fact is that I will completely fail them in the end. Crushes my heart and batters my soul to know that it will come to it. I want so badly to fix everything, yet I have the knowledge that I cannot possibly do that. I cannot even come close.
Though I would like to save every one of them, the fact is that I will completely fail them in the end. Crushes my heart and batters my soul to know that it will come to it. I want so badly to fix everything, yet I have the knowledge that I cannot possibly do that. I cannot even come close.
Erro.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Tristan and Isolde
I just watched Tristan and Isolde and cried my eyes out. How I can see what I'm typing with no eyes is beyond me. But seriously, that was the saddest movie I've seen in a long while. It has actually lowered my mood. And it wasn't very stable to begin with.
I was pondering the facts of my risky behavior of late. The sneaking around to see her. I put so much on the line every time, and now if she were to find out... I'd become a prisoner of my own 'home'. Home isn't anything but a house where I live. Even though you can hardly call it living. I've always been the star daughter. Perfect grades, I never got grounded; outside of my very frequent illnesses, I would have thought to have been perfect. But this has done nothing but completely ruin my outlook on everything. I don't live for anything. I do what I'm told when I'm told. I do everything I'm supposed to and nothing I'm not. I feel as if I am nothing.
How can she love nothing?
If mom finds out: my computer and phone will be taken away in a heart beat, I will lose computer privileges at school, I will be forbidden to go anywhere other than school and back home. And yet I keep risking and will continue risking everything for her. Simply because with her, I am no longer nothing. I have something to live for. I come closer to feeling whole.
all this brought on by a two hour long love story. The legend of Tristan and Isolde.
I was pondering the facts of my risky behavior of late. The sneaking around to see her. I put so much on the line every time, and now if she were to find out... I'd become a prisoner of my own 'home'. Home isn't anything but a house where I live. Even though you can hardly call it living. I've always been the star daughter. Perfect grades, I never got grounded; outside of my very frequent illnesses, I would have thought to have been perfect. But this has done nothing but completely ruin my outlook on everything. I don't live for anything. I do what I'm told when I'm told. I do everything I'm supposed to and nothing I'm not. I feel as if I am nothing.
How can she love nothing?
If mom finds out: my computer and phone will be taken away in a heart beat, I will lose computer privileges at school, I will be forbidden to go anywhere other than school and back home. And yet I keep risking and will continue risking everything for her. Simply because with her, I am no longer nothing. I have something to live for. I come closer to feeling whole.
all this brought on by a two hour long love story. The legend of Tristan and Isolde.
Erro.
Go look up what Erro means.
Go look up what Erro means.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Musing
I often think about everything in the shower. That's the only place that doesn't hold distractions so I can get through a thought process without having to start and stop. This could be why my showers are so long. Today, I was thinking about last summer. I think about that a lot but today I was thinking a little out of the box of what I normally do. On a regular day, I reflect and remember. Today, though, was very different.
When asked the question by my imaginary counsel that allows me to see things from different views, "If you had had a way of knowing all that has happened, would you have done anything different in those first few hours before and after meeting her?"
Now, this question took lots of consideration. If I had known everything that happened from the time I met her till the present before I had even said anything to Michael about her, would I have no said anything? This is a definite no. Would I have fought falling in love with her? Yes. But I did that anyway. Though, I may have just passed her by, if I had known everything that was to happen, simply because I am so afraid of the complexities that has come with all of this. I may have done it out of fear that I didnt know how much I could take. It's almost a blessing that I had no idea, because I would have missed out on the most spectacular experience of my life.
I wonder how much things would be different if everything would have panned out differently. Would I have this new sense of self that has come over the past six months? Would I have been happier? Or more lonely? All of these questions can never be answered, but I spend hours musing; trying to figure out what the answers might be.
When asked the question by my imaginary counsel that allows me to see things from different views, "If you had had a way of knowing all that has happened, would you have done anything different in those first few hours before and after meeting her?"
Now, this question took lots of consideration. If I had known everything that happened from the time I met her till the present before I had even said anything to Michael about her, would I have no said anything? This is a definite no. Would I have fought falling in love with her? Yes. But I did that anyway. Though, I may have just passed her by, if I had known everything that was to happen, simply because I am so afraid of the complexities that has come with all of this. I may have done it out of fear that I didnt know how much I could take. It's almost a blessing that I had no idea, because I would have missed out on the most spectacular experience of my life.
I wonder how much things would be different if everything would have panned out differently. Would I have this new sense of self that has come over the past six months? Would I have been happier? Or more lonely? All of these questions can never be answered, but I spend hours musing; trying to figure out what the answers might be.
Erro.
Friday, February 23, 2007
I dream of shopping malls and searching.
Climax from the bite marks. (do it)
random nonsense that you wont understand and we're going to keep it like that.
Bruises for Spring Pictures. (mom will love that)
I have a safety pin jabbing into my uterus right a present. (it's a good time)
I wish I got more comments, so if you're reading this, you should comment.
Who thinks it's time for a new skin? (eye due)
But you try finding one. Pain in my ass.
Long fingernails running down pale skin. (another good time, huh?)
That's enough of this. Plus, it's seven. Who on earth honestly writes entries before seven in the morning? Apparently me.
random nonsense that you wont understand and we're going to keep it like that.
Bruises for Spring Pictures. (mom will love that)
I have a safety pin jabbing into my uterus right a present. (it's a good time)
I wish I got more comments, so if you're reading this, you should comment.
Who thinks it's time for a new skin? (eye due)
But you try finding one. Pain in my ass.
Long fingernails running down pale skin. (another good time, huh?)
That's enough of this. Plus, it's seven. Who on earth honestly writes entries before seven in the morning? Apparently me.
Lay Tah
Erro.
Erro.
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