Somedays, It's necessary to belt "It's Raining Men". Even when it's not, and you wouldnt care if it were because you are, in fact, a lesbian.

It's been a good day. I feel very accomplished.

I did two math tests- one standardized and one for algebra, gave a forty minute presentation on cyberbullying, began my first painting on canvas, finished a five page report that is worth a total of seven HUNDRED points, almost didn't get it printed off, lost my mind, read a chapter on the digestive system, watched a movie about fat, turned in my report along with the rough draft- note cards- working bibliography- all the internet research- peer revising- and every other little thing I used to write it, and crammed all the info I could into my brain about Napoleon who took over France for the test on Monday.

I dont know about you, but that's one hell of a lot for me to get finished in one day. Tonight I have my driver's ed final and tomorrow is solo/ensemble contest.

My fingers are flying to finish this entry because I have to leave in negative two minutes. I suppose I'll write something a bit more entertaining later when I get home. I'm in the mood to write.

Erro

what if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker and everything is just a lie...

"there's always this one question that keeps me up at night are you my greatest love or disappointment in my life"
That one line in the song is the one that applies the most, even though the whole song pretty much sums up all of the emotions that come with being with her. It's always been the question, from the very beginning, proving to be more true with each passing month. Now, after nearly nine months with her, I'm feeling it more than ever. This, along with so many fears.
I'm scared to call, fearful that she'll be busy and I'll hear that tone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm terrified to find that out. My biggest fear, that she'll leave me, that she'll leave me soon. Perhaps that's why she hasn't called. Maybe that's why this week has seemed so empty; that emptiness could be the sudden absence of her love. Or wait, a scary thought, what if it was never there at all? I feel so insecure and vulnerable.
She has my heart in her hands. Dear God, just don't let her drop it.

I hate this feeling. I've felt it all week. The only cure is when she's calling, talking to me just like she always does. It's only then that I'm assured that nothing has changed. The absence of her voice gives me room to wander, scoping the very real possibilities of this relationship.
She has a terrible track record. She's cheated on me and lied. We both know there's about a 99.9% chance that she'll do it again, over and over. I'm setting myself up for heartache, no matter what I do. I stay with her and she's going to hurt me. Stay with her, and she might leave. Or I leave, which plain and simply isn't an option. But if it were, it would cause more hurt than the others. A grand conundrum, just as always.

But I will continue to sit here, waiting for her calls. Waiting for the chance to be happy. Waiting for my time.

A Dream

This is a dream I had... two weekends ago, when my world fell apart then put itself back together again. The beginning of my three consecutive horrible weekends.

I'm moving along with the pounding of the music that fills the air around me. In the mass of so many writhing bodies, I've lost her. I always feel very lost in this place without her dancing beside me so I leave the floor to find her. I push through people rubbing up against one another, my ass being not so subtly grabbed by at least three different strangers on the way. I make out her face in a dark corner, with the flashing of the strobe lights my only way of identifying her. As I move closer, I see her, drink in hand, giving mouth to mouth to some blond broad with a huge chest. Soon, there's not a wall of people in my way, I cant tell if my five foot body leveled them all or not. My hand bats the glass from her hand and I feel it two seconds late. She looks up at me with surprise and guilt. Like catching your brother masturbating to gay porn in the bathroom. I scream at her twice as loud as the music, telling her to go home. She doesn't say anything, nor does she move. Just gives me that look that tells me that I have no right coming over here and ruining her good time. blond bitch sees this as her chance to get all up in MY face. I go silent, hate pouring from my retinas. I've hit her right across the cheek, my hand feeling it again too late. I get a handful of razor sharp salon nails clawed across my skin as a rebuttal. My two second time limit has come and gone and I still don't feel anything but warmth which must be the blood running down my face. I throw my loving girlfriend the most resentful look that could ever be created and walk out onto the hot humid streets of Des Moines.
I've stormed down a block and a half when I hear the doors open, pouring the dance music out onto the streets. I don't have to look back to know it's her. Her quick steps turn into running feet as she catches up to me. She's yelling something like "I'm sorry, slow down." but I cant concentrate on her words. I feel her hand on my shoulder and I try to not let her turn me around. But I've always been not as strong as she was.
I see a look in her eyes when she sees my cheek. It must be worse than I thought. She slowly reaches up to touch it and I wince. She pulls her hand away and I see blood on her finger tips. This makes me even more angry.
"Why do we always have to do this?! Why do you always have to do this?!" I yell at her, even though she's inches away from me. I turn away, ripping myself from her grip and run the rest of the two blocks to our apartment. I skip the elevator and go up five flights of stairs. Fumbling for my keys as I get to the door, I'm cursing under my breath that I'm still doing this. Once the door's unlocked I shove it open, sending it slamming into the wall inside. The force of it swings it back towards the frame, it still having enough gusto to slam shut. On my way to the kitchen, I grab her cigarettes from the coffee table. I tear at the box and rip them all up, leaving them scattered on the floor. I open the cupboard and throw every bottle of whiskey, vodka, and tequila that we have onto the floor, creating a sea of glass shards and multicolored liquid.
Suddenly, all energy I have gives out and I collapse into a heap on the kitchen floor, on top of the broken glass. I can feel it piercing my skin and ripping holes in my clothes as I lay crying. Over top my racket I'm making I hear footsteps on the stairs and the door opening. Then she runs in, calling my name. She must see me so pathetically laying on the floor because she stops. Her movement and her yelling. Her shoes crunch across the linoleum, and through my tear filled eyes I see a blurry figure of her.
I hear her telling me she's sorry, that she wont do it again. I've heard it so many times before. Almost like an echo now. I know she's sorry. But I know it will happen again. I don't understand why I keep going. I'm trying to rationalize it all in my mind and she lifts me from the ground, carrying me, dripping with blood, alcohol, and sweat, into the bathroom. I'm standing in front of her, and she's taking off my clothes slowly so it doesn't hurt as much. She inspects my wounds for extra bits of glass and runs hot water in our shower. She does it all without looking at me. I know it's because she's blaming it all on herself. It's tearing her up inside. I don't know if my tears have stopped but she puts me in the shower and I have no way to tell. Seconds later I'm joined, her arms wrapping gently around me. She waits for the blood to rinse off my body, watching the red streams flow down my porcelain skin. She lightly places her finger tips on my cheek, using her thumb to wipe away the blood that's still there. I wait for her eyes to find mine and when they do, I see it there, in her eyes. The same look I see when she tells me she loves me. The look that assures me that she does.
My mind tells me that this is why I don't give up. Because I love this girl. No matter how many times she'll hurt me I always will. Because she loves me. I kiss her, just as I do every time she's made a mistake. In that kiss, I let her know that I forgive her. When the water has washed away all of the reminders of the night, we make our way to our bedroom and climb into the clean sheets. And we make love like it's the first time, leaving our wounds forgotten until tomorrow.


That's all I have for tonight. It's off to bed without a phone call from her, again. I miss her.

No Goals.

I don't set goals for myself. I don't want to be anything. I have no idea what I want to do with my life outside of being happy. That's what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be happy.

I'll fight for that happiness until I achieve it. That's all I want, the only thing that will make everything worthwhile. Happiness.

I'd write more, but I haven't anything to say. Nothing for you to read, nothing you care for.

I turn the music up so it drowns us out.

There's a sort of relief I get dreaming about the future. Creating brilliant schemes of how it will be. The one that brings the most comfort is my trip to Des Moines this summer. A year after last summer's; where it all began. I imagine the city will be just as it was, only it will hold a sort of magic. Though the magical essence isn't the city itself, but rather someone there. Someone precious. Someone cherished and forever immortalized in that very city. A city of wonder.
I long for it to be summertime. When the air is sweet and filled with moisture and the heat is staggering. I long for sunshine and warm downpours. But most of all, I long for her, and the feelings she brought to the summer time. Feelings that will forever after be felt in the summertime, whether or not she's in my life.
She made a magic time even more so. My favorite of the year holds that much more appeal. As does the rest of my days since her. They've been glorious and terrible but all the while they were wonderful, because she's here.

Where's the Rain?

It's supposed to be raining.
That's why I'm still here. Having the shittiest time I've had in a long time. Which is saying a lot, because nothing is above terribly mediocre lately.
The sun shouldn't be shining. The birds should shut their carnivorous beaks that are mocking me outside of my window.

Fuck.

What A Load Of Carp. Yes, you heard me, Carp.

Reading over old entries, I'm starting to wonder where my crazy smart kid ramblings went to. Big words and beautifully put together sentences seem to have disappeared somewhere along the way to now.

But do I honestly care? No. Not right at the moment.

You see, I would have written about it earlier, but we were going to do this little surprise thing for Heather. Her mom was going to come pick me up and I was going to go down and stay there for the weekend. It was going to be a huge amazing surprise and I was going to be happy, crazy happy. I was so proud of myself for actually asking my mom because that was a BIG! deal. I hope you're proud of me too because if you're not then you just suck. So I had to ask again because I didn't get an answer the first time and you know what mom used as an excuse?! It's going to rain.
Me. Angry. It goes without saying, huh?

So I was going to have an awesome amazing weekend NOT sitting here alone and you know, the fact that I was going to be with Heather made everything about a billion times better and I cant go because it's going to RAIN.

Right at this point, I really don't care where I go, even though the one place I want to go is there, just because I haven't been out of the house, I don't go out of the house, I don't get to do ANYTHING.

ass.

well, on a bit of a happier note though it is a bit worn out by now and frankly the whole "I'm really proud of myself and blah blah blah" is kind of gone: I'm at 99% in advance algebra... I was super excited and just... wow... you know, because that's a crazy good thing... but now it's all kind of lost it's luster somewhere underneath severe anger and depression and exhaustion.

but whatever. I'm done caring for now.

Erro.

The Sun Shouldnt Shine Today

At first glance... I'm just tired from the time change.
I know I'm tired from my late night.

At first glance... I'm distant because I'm tired.
I know I'm distant because there's other things on my mind.

The sun has no right to be shining so magnificently. It's laughing right in my face. "I told you so, I told you so. You had it coming, you knew it" I politely scream profanities back at the sky.



I haven't felt this bad in ages.

Erro

Lord, Give me the strength to get through whatever is thrown at me this next week.



Guess what?! NEW LINKIN PARK ALBUM OUT MAY 15!!! *excitement*

Yeah, the haircut's hot, but this has got to stop. Good shoes wont save you this time.

Happy Half Birthday to me, to me! Happy Half Birthday to me!

I think I like half birthdays more than actual birthdays.


Wish me a happy one, damn it. Even if it's late.

It has been brought to my attention...

That all of my most recent posts have been some what... whiny... and severely depressing. Which sort of makes sense because that's how I've been feeling, but anywho, I just thought you'd enjoy a cheery post.

Started Driver's Ed which is not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. I sleep through the night now that I'm not going to bed at seven thirty post meridiem. ANNND I'm going to hopefully have my license by the end of April.

What else is cheery? It should be getting warm soon. Means I wont get to be sheet white anymore. I wont glow in the dark. That's good, right?

I am in love and it's wonderful, even if you cant tell from my posts. I really am having the time of my life. I am getting all A's in school? A good thing I suppose. I just recently got a sticker on my advanced algebra quiz. That made me very happy.

Right at present I'm informing one of my old friends about my newly formed secks life. It's a good time.

But that's enough cheer for now.

Erro.

My body is screaming profanities at my mind which has shut almost completely down. My back hurts, I think my uterus is inflamed with something that makes it swell so it hurts so badly when I bend over and I need to shave. Falling is taking so long, just as I thought I was at the bottom, I just keep getting worse and worse. Perhaps it's my visits to her. Those bring me up a few notches, making it take more time to reach the bottom.
Driver's Ed starts tomorrow. From six till nine three nights this week, then the chorus concert. We get tear down this time, so add on a few more minutes. Four late nights and then a weekend that's empty. Again. What a joy these next days will be. I'm not used to being busy. I'm used to being homebound and hermit-ish because my mother is afraid of me getting any exposure to anything in this world. So I stay at home and she stays mad at me.
Heather told me I should tell my mother I love her. It's important. I asked why and I didn't get an answer. Just is important. I don't even feel bad about not wanting to. The more days I spend like this, the more I just want to leave and never come back. It's not that I'm blaming anyone. If anyone's to really blame, it's me. But I've been cooped up in this damned house for too long to give a shit about compassion to the one who's keeping me here, whatever the fuck her intentions are.
I wonder if I'll ever stop being so angry.
Fuck, I'm so tired already.

I'll cry tonight.

Erro.

that four letter word

Have you ever loved someone so much that it doesn't matter what they do wrong, you love them more anyway? Have you ever loved someone so much that it didn't even come close to making sense? Have you ever known that you would normally be hurt by something someone you love just told you but it didn't hurt nearly at all just because you love them? This sounds so backwards because wouldn't it make more sense if you were more hurt because it was someone you cared about? It seems so backwards to me... Perhaps it's the simple fact that they do love you, you can tell so much, that as long as they do love you like they do, it's never going to matter what wrong they do. Any hurt you have is made better almost instantaneously because you know, you don't know how but you do, that they love you.

Love is so confusing... and so wonderful and terrible and makes wrongs right and rights even more right.

Erro.