"there's always this one question that keeps me up at night are you my greatest love or disappointment in my life"
That one line in the song is the one that applies the most, even though the whole song pretty much sums up all of the emotions that come with being with her. It's always been the question, from the very beginning, proving to be more true with each passing month. Now, after nearly nine months with her, I'm feeling it more than ever. This, along with so many fears.
I'm scared to call, fearful that she'll be busy and I'll hear that tone telling me she doesn't want to talk to me. I'm terrified to find that out. My biggest fear, that she'll leave me, that she'll leave me soon. Perhaps that's why she hasn't called. Maybe that's why this week has seemed so empty; that emptiness could be the sudden absence of her love. Or wait, a scary thought, what if it was never there at all? I feel so insecure and vulnerable.
She has my heart in her hands. Dear God, just don't let her drop it.
I hate this feeling. I've felt it all week. The only cure is when she's calling, talking to me just like she always does. It's only then that I'm assured that nothing has changed. The absence of her voice gives me room to wander, scoping the very real possibilities of this relationship.
She has a terrible track record. She's cheated on me and lied. We both know there's about a 99.9% chance that she'll do it again, over and over. I'm setting myself up for heartache, no matter what I do. I stay with her and she's going to hurt me. Stay with her, and she might leave. Or I leave, which plain and simply isn't an option. But if it were, it would cause more hurt than the others. A grand conundrum, just as always.
But I will continue to sit here, waiting for her calls. Waiting for the chance to be happy. Waiting for my time.
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