EUPHORIA

She loves me.

Grand March

I went to Grand March to see my beloved bestest friend in the world, Keri. She looked amazing. I couldn't believe her. I was so... proud? So I'm standing in the back because there weren't any chairs to sit in and who would walk in? Emily. Stomach dropped and I automatically looked at the sky and asked 'why God?' I'm about to die from the lack of everything, my mind is swimming with longing for Heather and WHO shows up? Emily. So I'm standing, half watching the couples half watching her, remembering why I always thought she was gorgeous. Then Keri walked out and I wanted to cry, she was so pretty. We watched the rest together, making fun of people and giggling, riding on Keri's adrenaline high. Then, I told Keri that Emily was there and she rushed over to talk to her. I got side tracked and had to take a picture of my friend, Stephanie. I finally found Keri, chatting with her and she looks at me and said Keri told her I was into her. She reached out her hand and shook mine, a very startling gesture, then proceeded to show me the top half of her boobs, saying she couldn't help that she was hot. I told her if I had boobs like that, I'd show them off as well. She told me that's why she did. All the while I'm standing there, I'm wishing I could have five minutes to hook up with her in the bathroom and everything would be fine. But of course not. I wandered around for a while longer, greeting all of my friends who were attending, wishing I was there looking gorgeous too. It soon came time to go and walking out to the car I started wandering back to Heather, my mind taking a more melancholy mood than the faux high I got from the buzzing bodies I had been around. Riding home, I lost myself somewhere in my imagination, dressed up for prom, Heather beside me. Then I thought about how cute she could potentially look in a tux and wondered if we actually did go to prom together, whether she'd wear a dress or go for a tux.
So now we're here, nearly three hours later, fallen into that familiar rut I find myself in nearly every night. I'm waiting for someone who's not going to come, refusing myself sleep I'd love to enjoy. I keep missing her, more and more, wishing she'd just get on or call because I haven't talked to her for such a long time.

Return of Letters to Heather Pt. II

Dear Heather,
There are things people tell me I should do. Solutions they have to my current problem that is tearing me apart. I know what I should be doing, just as I have known what I should be doing all along. But there are things we do that we know we should be doing and there are things we do just because we're following something inside of ourselves that we cant really describe, despite everything around us telling us we shouldn't be.
I was almost convinced of what people have been telling me. Convinced that it was the right thing to do, for nothing more than my safety, sanity, and happiness. But today in Biology, when I didn't have anything to do, I took out my book to read. Upon opening it I was overwhelmed with a sense of longing I've forced myself to not feel anymore. You see, inside the book are my pictures of you. Seeing you gazing out from those moments captured on paper made me re-realize what exactly it was I wanted. I talked to Stephanie as she looked through those pictures for the millionth time. About how I was hurting. What I hoped would and wouldn't happen. Before I knew it, the tears that had come when I opened the book spilled over and began to run down my face, trailing the black eyeliner I had on with it. Real tears, ones not accompanied with gasping sobs. Genuinely miserable tears. The most painful.
I don't know what to do. I cannot think about you. I cannot talk about you. My days are empty as of late. Filled with laughter which is not of the happy sort. A type of hysterical laughter that relieves some of this excruciating pain I'm in waiting for you to call. Waiting to see how this all will pan out. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I was washing my hands after lunch and stood at the sink for a full thirty seconds, not moving, lost in thought, only to come back to earth not knowing what it was I was doing. The same thing happened this morning in art class as I went to get a pass for the library. Mrs. Winter noticed and with a very concerned look on her face asked if I felt alright. I gave her my automatic defense of 'I'm fine' then half-heartedly filled out my pass.
I'm scared that my days will only get worse. I'm scared that I will soon be alone. I'm scared that if I do end up alone, I will never really recover from this. Scared no one will ever measure up to you.

You told me you'd love me forever. You told me you wanted to be with me for that long as well. I hope... I hope you haven't changed your mind. I hope what's been going on is only temporary. I hope everyone else is wrong.
Because I love you.

Return of Letters to Heather

Heather,
I will just be blunt with this. I don't feel like pretty sentences.
I hate that you don't have time for me anymore.
I hate that when I call you're always doing something.
I hate how you never call me back.
I hate calling you because I know you're either not going to answer or you'll be busy and I always feel like shit afterwards.

But I love you. Like I always will.
And I hope that you will find time for me again, soon.

Endlessly,

Fuck Me

I don't understand how I can be this lonely when I have a girlfriend...

Even though... I rarely talk to her anymore.

I have this idea in my head, that is almost turning into a compulsion to go get completely trashed and sleep with a random girl or two... Because somewhere I came up with the solution that THAT will make me feel better even though I know all too well that is will only fuck things up more.

It's like... fuck. Just fuck.

My mouse, Lolita, died today. Leaving behind a very sad lover, Bianca, who is running around the cage crying. It's so sad. I feel so bad for Bianca. It would be like losing your partner... Lolita was lying dead in the cage while Bianca was squeaking through the bars, crying over her dead lover...

Yeah, well, my lover's not dead and I feel just about as lonely as Bianca right now. The poor dear... even if she is just a fucking mouse.

Whatever. I'm going to go toss and turn in my bed whilst Heather is out, again, this weekend. Having a good time without me. And I'll sit here feeling insanely sorry for myself as always, envious of her freedom and opportunities.

Gawd, aren't we just a lovely fucked couple?

Number Two Hundred

I met this girl on Monday.
Took her for a drink on Tuesday.
We were making love by Wednesday.
and on Thursday..
and on Friday...
and Saturday.
Then we chilled on Sunday.

Tell me what that's from and you'll get a mother fucking cookie (:

So yes, the title is true. This is post number two hundred since I began blogging in June of last year. If you figure it out that's about a post every three days. (Most statistics are made up on the spot. Just as that one was).

No school today. Which is probably a good thing because I am sick as fuck. I've spent my day watching music videos people have made on YouTube from scenes from the show The L Word. Mostly of Shane (Katherine Moennig). I believe I have just found my favorite celebrity. She is AH-Mayzing. Period.

Only thing with watching girls have secks with other girls is that it heightens my awareness that I am, in fact, having no secks. Someone help me out? I'm turning blue here (figuratively, of course).

Let's see... what else today... Oh, it just happens to be April Eighteenth. Heather and I have been together for nine months now. Also, it's been two months since I've seen her. It's not a very good time. Can you believe that throughout a nine month relationship I have seen my girlfriend TWICE?! Pisses me off.

Anyway.
Happy Number Two Hundred. Thank you to all of my... two? readers. Hope you've had a wonderful day.

Face The Facts.

She has a life. A job. Stuff to do. It uses up all of her time. Leaving none left for me.

She simply has no time for me. Whilst I'm left with all the time in the world...

Fear

Sure, we all know what it is. But have you actually ever felt it?
I'm not talking about scary movie fear or monster under the bed fear.
But genuine breath-stopping-blood-draining-feel-like-you're-going-to-
puke-your-guts-out-along-with-your-lunch-shit-yourself-crying-
oh-my-gawd-where-did-all-of-the-oxygen-in-this-room-go?! fear. The kind that slaps you in the face and you're left reeling for hours. It's intense. It's terrifying. Not till today did I understand what fear, actual fear, was like.
For a full thirty seconds, I couldn't move. I didn't breathe, I didn't blink. I was frozen, like a deer in the headlights. It sounds so silly, considering nothing really bad happened. But the fact that it could have stopped me dead in my tracks.

But we cant go on every day fearing things that could happen.
Even though most days, I do.
I vow to stop as soon as I'm gone, when I'm with her and I can forget how terrible the world can be.
Even if it's just for a little while.


Erro.

The Only One

She's the only one who can
make me smile
sitting by myself
in my dark room
These smiles
are the truest I've ever
smiled
I can literally see
the happiness in my eyes
even if I cant always feel it
as much as I'd like
I've never felt like this
and don't believe that anyone else
could ever make me feel it
like she does
She's the one my heart was made for

Oh, the Temptation.

I see a pattern that I seem to form every time I'm in a relationship. Any sort of relationship grows painful, just after the six months marker passes. I don't know how, why, or when I begin doing it, but if any sort of change arises (and it always does) I somehow turn it into a negative thing, forcing myself to feel absolutely horrid about it. I get angry, I get sad. Know where I'm going with this? Think my terrible moods as of the last month are attributed to the fact that I should just NOT be in any sort of relationship with any person on this earth, in this universe. I somehow convince myself that these changes, that are no more than that, are a sign of the other not wanting to be with me. So I search for things I do that would bring this on, beat myself up for them, and blame myself for the "downfall" that the relationship is going into. Even though it's not in a downfall at all. But it does, fall into ruin, because of my thinking it's already fallen.
How's that for fucked up?

So I see myself doing this same thing, again, with Heather. The one person I prayed would escape my dumb ways my brain works. I thought she had. I thought it was all going to be oh kay. We made it past six months without anything, past seven, past eight. But now, nearly to nine, I find myself doing it. And I hate myself for it.
The temptation of just giving up, before everything gets worse, is so alluring.
But I wont give up. I cant.

Perhaps it will get better now, seeing as I understand what is going on. Maybe I can fight it. But I have no idea why I do it. I have no idea how it happens. But I'll fight to my death, if I have to.
A war against myself, to save something that holds so much uncertainty. There's no telling when or if she'll decide that this is not what she wants. There is a very slim chance that this will last more than a few years. But I'll fight, just to feel that feeling I get from knowing her. From being with her.

This is all so complicated. So fucked up. And really, it's all my fault. She has done nothing. This is all on me.

I could ruin everything...

Look at what I've done...

You'd think that maybe I'd start getting used to this by now... what's it been... almost three weeks? But no. NO. I have to sit here and feel worse with every passing second. It's getting harder to just BREATHE and get up and walk to wherever I need to go.
I feel utterly pathetic and I hate myself for how I'm reacting. I'm angry that I let myself get THIS far into everything that THIS is what's happening.

I'm a stupid, stupid, STUPID girl.

I don't know what I'm going to do...
Erro

A dream. But just a dream...

I'm finding it increasingly harder to keep a smile on my face as of late. And yet, no one has caught on that I am not having a very good time. I broke last night, crying and crying. But eventually, I fell asleep, with some much needed assistance and I dreamt the longest dream I've ever had with the most solid story line. I was amazed. The dream?

I'm at home and there's no school. I get the notion that it's summer time but it could be spring break. I'm on the phone with Heather. But soon her mom comes in and she has to pretend she's not on the phone for some reason. But her mom catches her and she has to go. I go down stairs and before I can say anything, mom goes "Why don't you call Heather and she can come over here for a couple days" Now, even in my dream state, I almost shit myself. I run upstairs and call over to the house and talk to Heather's mom. Heather answers and sounds very sad but I tel her in a hurry that I need to talk to her mom. So she gives the phone to her mom and I'm talking to her. Then my mother calls up the stairs and says something like "It would probably be better if you take your victim at her house". I start laughing and so does Heather's mom. So we make plans for me to go over there and stay. I get my stuff ready and then Mom, Dad, and I get into this little car and start driving. I tell dad I like the car. We stop at a very tiny walmart and find Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so mom buys it for me (we've been looking all over for it). We leave and get to Heather's house. I go in and she's there and we just chill in the living room with her dad for a while. Her dad tells me that I still owe him money from the rolling chair race we had last time I was there and I said I didn't have any money. He said he knew, and he lost anyway, so he had to give me the money. So he did. Then Heather and I went upstairs and I lay on her bed. Her house in the dream is nothing like her house in real life. But she's the same. Absolutely amazing. For some reason, her room isn't very bright. It's really dark, just one lamp on a table over in the corner. I don't get to say much to her before I wake up. But she was there.

I miss her. Like mad. It's becoming unbearable. Not to mention the fact that I don't get to talk to her nearly at all anymore. Which only makes it that much worse. I have no idea what I'm going to do if I don't see her soon...