Oh, the Temptation.

I see a pattern that I seem to form every time I'm in a relationship. Any sort of relationship grows painful, just after the six months marker passes. I don't know how, why, or when I begin doing it, but if any sort of change arises (and it always does) I somehow turn it into a negative thing, forcing myself to feel absolutely horrid about it. I get angry, I get sad. Know where I'm going with this? Think my terrible moods as of the last month are attributed to the fact that I should just NOT be in any sort of relationship with any person on this earth, in this universe. I somehow convince myself that these changes, that are no more than that, are a sign of the other not wanting to be with me. So I search for things I do that would bring this on, beat myself up for them, and blame myself for the "downfall" that the relationship is going into. Even though it's not in a downfall at all. But it does, fall into ruin, because of my thinking it's already fallen.
How's that for fucked up?

So I see myself doing this same thing, again, with Heather. The one person I prayed would escape my dumb ways my brain works. I thought she had. I thought it was all going to be oh kay. We made it past six months without anything, past seven, past eight. But now, nearly to nine, I find myself doing it. And I hate myself for it.
The temptation of just giving up, before everything gets worse, is so alluring.
But I wont give up. I cant.

Perhaps it will get better now, seeing as I understand what is going on. Maybe I can fight it. But I have no idea why I do it. I have no idea how it happens. But I'll fight to my death, if I have to.
A war against myself, to save something that holds so much uncertainty. There's no telling when or if she'll decide that this is not what she wants. There is a very slim chance that this will last more than a few years. But I'll fight, just to feel that feeling I get from knowing her. From being with her.

This is all so complicated. So fucked up. And really, it's all my fault. She has done nothing. This is all on me.

I could ruin everything...