There are songs that bring back nearly painful memories of last summer. These songs make me remember so clearly that it takes my breath away, literally. A few select AFI songs really do it, playing out scenes from Des Moines in a panoramic clarity that freezes me in place, grasping air, trying to come back to the present. I cant even imagine what going back there will be like.
Mother's day at grandma's with the family today. I was sitting in the back yard grass, witnessing everyone talking, swearing, yelling, a good time had by all and I couldn't help but wish that Heather was there. I want her to meet my family, sit beside me for dinner with all of them. Laugh and joke and yell with words so vulgar that everyone with kids loathes going in fear of their little ones picking up new adjectives, nouns, and verbs. I want to be free to smile at her and have them smiling back at us. And when we leave, I want the parade of kisses that is tradition to include the both of us, without any awkwardness.
I was saddened, in the bathroom, thinking about how more likely than not, it will never happen. She wont witness the fights and drama and ear-splitting conversations that go on in my grandmother's house at every major holiday when all the family gathers into that tiny, rundown shack. I want her there with me, I want to feel whole in my family. But the cruel reality is that I will be forced to stay in hiding.
But hopefully her family gathers like mine. Hopefully we can go together to hers and be accepted. I want to be a part of hers nearly as bad as I want her to be a part of mine. Even though I know it's more likely to happen for me than for her.
And with that, it's off to bed.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Ten.
Ten months tonight. It's warm, but not as warm as it was that day, not nearly as warm as it was in those air conditioned stairs. And in celebration of the events that took place on this evening so long ago, we'll recount it. Let's see how much I remember. But before that, I've found that I cannot listen to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It takes me back to the beginning of the school year when my world exploded. It makes me feel all those emotions again and I hated that time. So yes, now, my recollection of The Stairs:
She's looking at me and I'm hanging on every word. It's hard for me to believe that our walk has ended up here. She's sitting a stair above me, filling up her ten minutes with words. As her deadline draws near, I see that she has no intention of making it, even though I believe I knew it already. She seems completely at ease while I'm sitting there, heart pounding and butterflies tearing holes in my stomach. She seems so sure of herself, she has a confidence that I wish I could have a fraction of. But I remind myself that she knows what she's doing, and I have no idea. My brain is so noisy and so silent all at the same time as I concentrate on her words, on the moment. A gap between us is slowly closing and before I know it, I'm kissing a girl I met only the day before. Without me knowing it, this is the first of many crazy things I'm going to be doing in the coming months. I pull away from the kiss first, lungs desperate for oxygen that seems to have been sucked off of the entire earth. I see blue eyes looking into mine, the most amazing red hair I've seen in my life framing them. This does nothing for my problems with breathing. The next twenty minutes are spent in almost complete silence. Except for the sounds of kissing and breathing. We play a game and I lose, because that's what I do. We're climbing the stairs and my motor functions are failing, but I know it's just because I want to put off goodbye. Floor number five and she's kissing my neck, then my collar bone, my chest, and I cannot breathe. Nor do I want to. I'm reveling in the moment, not needing oxygen. Past my belly button and stops just above the waistline of my shorts. She just looks up at me and smiles as I take in that breath I've been holding. She kisses back up the ways she came down and with my eyes closed I clumsily get my lips to meet hers. Up more stairs to an unexplainable ledge, later to be decided that the architects put it there just for them. She's sitting on it and kissing me from above, me standing between her knees. My hands are on her thighs and without me knowing it, start to move closer to her body. I only become aware when she puts her hands on top of mine. I draw back and blush. Then she takes my face in her hands and runs her fingers along my features. Confused, I ask her what she's doing and she replies: Remembering you. I know it's something I'll never forget. I smile and lean into her and she wraps her arms around me. We stay like that for a long minute then she gets down. We kiss some more until her phone interrupts, telling her that she really needs to go. She kisses me again, looks me in the eyes and tells me she has to go. Then she starts up the stairs, up two flights when she only needs to go up one. Back down one and through a door. I get a quick glimpse of her family waiting for her and they seem to see me hidden in the stairs. Then she's gone. And I'm left to walk all the way back down and try to resume my life the way it was before she came into it.
Never did I imagine my life would change so dramatically, so wonderfully, in two days. But it did, and I've never been happier.
She's looking at me and I'm hanging on every word. It's hard for me to believe that our walk has ended up here. She's sitting a stair above me, filling up her ten minutes with words. As her deadline draws near, I see that she has no intention of making it, even though I believe I knew it already. She seems completely at ease while I'm sitting there, heart pounding and butterflies tearing holes in my stomach. She seems so sure of herself, she has a confidence that I wish I could have a fraction of. But I remind myself that she knows what she's doing, and I have no idea. My brain is so noisy and so silent all at the same time as I concentrate on her words, on the moment. A gap between us is slowly closing and before I know it, I'm kissing a girl I met only the day before. Without me knowing it, this is the first of many crazy things I'm going to be doing in the coming months. I pull away from the kiss first, lungs desperate for oxygen that seems to have been sucked off of the entire earth. I see blue eyes looking into mine, the most amazing red hair I've seen in my life framing them. This does nothing for my problems with breathing. The next twenty minutes are spent in almost complete silence. Except for the sounds of kissing and breathing. We play a game and I lose, because that's what I do. We're climbing the stairs and my motor functions are failing, but I know it's just because I want to put off goodbye. Floor number five and she's kissing my neck, then my collar bone, my chest, and I cannot breathe. Nor do I want to. I'm reveling in the moment, not needing oxygen. Past my belly button and stops just above the waistline of my shorts. She just looks up at me and smiles as I take in that breath I've been holding. She kisses back up the ways she came down and with my eyes closed I clumsily get my lips to meet hers. Up more stairs to an unexplainable ledge, later to be decided that the architects put it there just for them. She's sitting on it and kissing me from above, me standing between her knees. My hands are on her thighs and without me knowing it, start to move closer to her body. I only become aware when she puts her hands on top of mine. I draw back and blush. Then she takes my face in her hands and runs her fingers along my features. Confused, I ask her what she's doing and she replies: Remembering you. I know it's something I'll never forget. I smile and lean into her and she wraps her arms around me. We stay like that for a long minute then she gets down. We kiss some more until her phone interrupts, telling her that she really needs to go. She kisses me again, looks me in the eyes and tells me she has to go. Then she starts up the stairs, up two flights when she only needs to go up one. Back down one and through a door. I get a quick glimpse of her family waiting for her and they seem to see me hidden in the stairs. Then she's gone. And I'm left to walk all the way back down and try to resume my life the way it was before she came into it.
Never did I imagine my life would change so dramatically, so wonderfully, in two days. But it did, and I've never been happier.
Erro.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
A Letter to my 13 year old self
Dear Ashlee,
I know you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll get through it, shining brighter than ever before. I know you're lonely, but there's a boy just around the corner that will sweep you off your feet. But you have to watch out because it will turn sour very quickly. You'll let yourself be controlled because there isn't much else you can do. You'll be scared and so confused, but just like before, you'll get through it. How are you enjoying not doing P.E.? It's a good time, right? Yes, well, the doctors will finally decide that you have JRA. And you'll eventually stop taking the pills for the voices. But they wont come back as bad as they were, just stay there for when you need them. While you're with the boy who's making your life miserable, you'll meet another who will, in time, make everything right again and set you free. But that one wont last a year because those feelings you feel that make you feel very out of place, they will all make sense soon. Once you figure it out, don't hide it, even though I know that to a certain extent, you wont. Thirteen has been hard and so will be fourteen. But fifteen will be better, even though it too will be filled with disappointment. But pay attention, you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way. When you're fifteen, you'll get very sick. You'll lose weight and hate yourself because you're only skin and bones. I know it'll hurt, I know you'll be tired, but just keep going, you get through it. At the end of your freshman year, you'll go to Dallas and find out what it really is like to be on your own. You'll fall in love with that feeling and long for it every second that you dont have it. You'll have to wait for a long while, but you'll get there and everything will be amazing. You'll go to prom. I'm so proud of you for not doing what everyone else was. You stayed sober even though it was so painful to be left out. It's oh kay to cry in the bathroom and be angry. You have every right. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though I know how hard that is. At the end of your freshman year (which wasn't as scary as you'll think it will be) you'll start to figure out what those feelings were. You'll get into a relationship with Katie, the one you've been eyeing for so long. But you'll find out fast that she's not as great as you thought. But soon, someone a million times greater will come along, I promise. That summer, you'll fall in love with Becky, who you'll meet at the pageant you'll be in the summer before. That too wont be as scary as you think it will be. But just a week later, you'll fall in love with someone else. You're going to meet a girl who teaches you a lot about yourself, but be ready, she's a lot to handle. Her name's Heather, by the way. She'll be the girl with red hair and the AFI shirt. Yes, you'll hang onto those boys for a long time. And Decemberunderground is amazing, just to let you know. You'll not only fall in love with Heather, but with the summer time and the city. You'll make plans for your future that is coming very quickly towards you. Sophomore year will start and you'll go through quite an ordeal with mom. She'll never be the same to you again, just so you know. You'll learn not to expect things. You'll also get a lot more rebellious than you ever have been. Which isn't much. But it's enough. You still will have a strong sense of right and wrong. Christmas time, I'm sad to inform you, will lose it's luster. But just after Christmas comes Valentine's Day and although it will seem like all hope is lost, it isn't and something utterly amazing will happen. Keep holding on. We'll get through. You're modeling company will call and you'll get a job. It'll be the ride you need to set your life moving. Stay patient, even though it'll be hard.
I'm proud of you for getting this far. Get us even further.
love,
Ashlee
I know you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll get through it, shining brighter than ever before. I know you're lonely, but there's a boy just around the corner that will sweep you off your feet. But you have to watch out because it will turn sour very quickly. You'll let yourself be controlled because there isn't much else you can do. You'll be scared and so confused, but just like before, you'll get through it. How are you enjoying not doing P.E.? It's a good time, right? Yes, well, the doctors will finally decide that you have JRA. And you'll eventually stop taking the pills for the voices. But they wont come back as bad as they were, just stay there for when you need them. While you're with the boy who's making your life miserable, you'll meet another who will, in time, make everything right again and set you free. But that one wont last a year because those feelings you feel that make you feel very out of place, they will all make sense soon. Once you figure it out, don't hide it, even though I know that to a certain extent, you wont. Thirteen has been hard and so will be fourteen. But fifteen will be better, even though it too will be filled with disappointment. But pay attention, you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way. When you're fifteen, you'll get very sick. You'll lose weight and hate yourself because you're only skin and bones. I know it'll hurt, I know you'll be tired, but just keep going, you get through it. At the end of your freshman year, you'll go to Dallas and find out what it really is like to be on your own. You'll fall in love with that feeling and long for it every second that you dont have it. You'll have to wait for a long while, but you'll get there and everything will be amazing. You'll go to prom. I'm so proud of you for not doing what everyone else was. You stayed sober even though it was so painful to be left out. It's oh kay to cry in the bathroom and be angry. You have every right. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though I know how hard that is. At the end of your freshman year (which wasn't as scary as you'll think it will be) you'll start to figure out what those feelings were. You'll get into a relationship with Katie, the one you've been eyeing for so long. But you'll find out fast that she's not as great as you thought. But soon, someone a million times greater will come along, I promise. That summer, you'll fall in love with Becky, who you'll meet at the pageant you'll be in the summer before. That too wont be as scary as you think it will be. But just a week later, you'll fall in love with someone else. You're going to meet a girl who teaches you a lot about yourself, but be ready, she's a lot to handle. Her name's Heather, by the way. She'll be the girl with red hair and the AFI shirt. Yes, you'll hang onto those boys for a long time. And Decemberunderground is amazing, just to let you know. You'll not only fall in love with Heather, but with the summer time and the city. You'll make plans for your future that is coming very quickly towards you. Sophomore year will start and you'll go through quite an ordeal with mom. She'll never be the same to you again, just so you know. You'll learn not to expect things. You'll also get a lot more rebellious than you ever have been. Which isn't much. But it's enough. You still will have a strong sense of right and wrong. Christmas time, I'm sad to inform you, will lose it's luster. But just after Christmas comes Valentine's Day and although it will seem like all hope is lost, it isn't and something utterly amazing will happen. Keep holding on. We'll get through. You're modeling company will call and you'll get a job. It'll be the ride you need to set your life moving. Stay patient, even though it'll be hard.
I'm proud of you for getting this far. Get us even further.
love,
Ashlee
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather Pt. IV
Heather,
You have this uncanny ability to make my day the most beautiful or the most horrible that I've had. You make me feel so good and you make me feel so bad. But really, there's just one thing that really gets under my skin, tears at my nerves, sending me reeling, convulsing on the ground from the parasites chewing through my nerves that control my motor functions. Of course, this never happens, but what does is basically the equivalent.
What's this thing you do? Going out. Going out and getting drunk or high. It bothers me on so many different levels. I get jealous that you can do those things and I cannot. I get worried that you're going to die driving drunk or an overdose on something or other or everything. I get angry because I know that at any moment, you could be forgetting who I am and sleeping with some random person. You go out whenever you want, school night or no. Most times, you're going out to do something you shouldn't be doing when you could stay home and keep me company all night. The feeling that I get when you do this... it doesn't have a name. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you are going out because it's a billion times more enjoyable than talking with me. And especially tonight, that's what gets me the most. We haven't had contact for weeks. Weeks, Heather. I'm lonely as shit. I don't get the attention I need. Sure, I may be demanding and selfish but I don't give a fuck anymore.
But at the same time, when I'm feeling so shitty about all of this, I feel guilty about wanting you to stay here with me when you could be out having a better time. I don't want to keep you from that. I just wish you had the desire to stay with me more than you had the desire to go out and get shitfaced all the time.
But hell, what am I talking about? Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe I'm really not worth it.
Because I sure as hell don't feel worth it.
You have this uncanny ability to make my day the most beautiful or the most horrible that I've had. You make me feel so good and you make me feel so bad. But really, there's just one thing that really gets under my skin, tears at my nerves, sending me reeling, convulsing on the ground from the parasites chewing through my nerves that control my motor functions. Of course, this never happens, but what does is basically the equivalent.
What's this thing you do? Going out. Going out and getting drunk or high. It bothers me on so many different levels. I get jealous that you can do those things and I cannot. I get worried that you're going to die driving drunk or an overdose on something or other or everything. I get angry because I know that at any moment, you could be forgetting who I am and sleeping with some random person. You go out whenever you want, school night or no. Most times, you're going out to do something you shouldn't be doing when you could stay home and keep me company all night. The feeling that I get when you do this... it doesn't have a name. I feel like you don't care. I feel like you are going out because it's a billion times more enjoyable than talking with me. And especially tonight, that's what gets me the most. We haven't had contact for weeks. Weeks, Heather. I'm lonely as shit. I don't get the attention I need. Sure, I may be demanding and selfish but I don't give a fuck anymore.
But at the same time, when I'm feeling so shitty about all of this, I feel guilty about wanting you to stay here with me when you could be out having a better time. I don't want to keep you from that. I just wish you had the desire to stay with me more than you had the desire to go out and get shitfaced all the time.
But hell, what am I talking about? Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe I'm really not worth it.
Because I sure as hell don't feel worth it.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Return of Letters to Heather Pt. III
Heather,
I would have slept all the way through the night, had it not been for a certain phone call that I nearly missed because I was already so heavily sleeping. I determined that my phone was ringing and only that, failing to take notice of the distinct ring tone it was doing. Groggily, I answered and I was greeted by that familiar voice that brings butterflies to my stomach, even when I am incoherent. Last night was the best I've had in a long time. After our little escapade, it became nearly impossible to sleep. A kind of insomnia, that kind I haven't felt in a while.
I had come to some conclusions during the past couple of weeks, when I was so angry and upset. I realized what I wanted, what I needed, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. All of those conclusions came together last night, laying in bed thinking about what had just happened. Came together to tell me something I've known all along.
Today will be a good day. My friends will say I'm ridiculous. But we both know I am. My friends will say I'm crazy and stupid. Both facts that aren't news to us. But deep down inside, my friends will be damn happy to have me back to normal. Hell, I am.
I love you.
and I love how you ask me what I said, even though you know what I said, just because you like to hear it.
I would have slept all the way through the night, had it not been for a certain phone call that I nearly missed because I was already so heavily sleeping. I determined that my phone was ringing and only that, failing to take notice of the distinct ring tone it was doing. Groggily, I answered and I was greeted by that familiar voice that brings butterflies to my stomach, even when I am incoherent. Last night was the best I've had in a long time. After our little escapade, it became nearly impossible to sleep. A kind of insomnia, that kind I haven't felt in a while.
I had come to some conclusions during the past couple of weeks, when I was so angry and upset. I realized what I wanted, what I needed, what I should be doing and what I shouldn't. All of those conclusions came together last night, laying in bed thinking about what had just happened. Came together to tell me something I've known all along.
Today will be a good day. My friends will say I'm ridiculous. But we both know I am. My friends will say I'm crazy and stupid. Both facts that aren't news to us. But deep down inside, my friends will be damn happy to have me back to normal. Hell, I am.
I love you.
and I love how you ask me what I said, even though you know what I said, just because you like to hear it.
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