Dear Ashlee,
I know you're in a tough spot right now, but you'll get through it, shining brighter than ever before. I know you're lonely, but there's a boy just around the corner that will sweep you off your feet. But you have to watch out because it will turn sour very quickly. You'll let yourself be controlled because there isn't much else you can do. You'll be scared and so confused, but just like before, you'll get through it. How are you enjoying not doing P.E.? It's a good time, right? Yes, well, the doctors will finally decide that you have JRA. And you'll eventually stop taking the pills for the voices. But they wont come back as bad as they were, just stay there for when you need them. While you're with the boy who's making your life miserable, you'll meet another who will, in time, make everything right again and set you free. But that one wont last a year because those feelings you feel that make you feel very out of place, they will all make sense soon. Once you figure it out, don't hide it, even though I know that to a certain extent, you wont. Thirteen has been hard and so will be fourteen. But fifteen will be better, even though it too will be filled with disappointment. But pay attention, you'll learn a lot about yourself along the way. When you're fifteen, you'll get very sick. You'll lose weight and hate yourself because you're only skin and bones. I know it'll hurt, I know you'll be tired, but just keep going, you get through it. At the end of your freshman year, you'll go to Dallas and find out what it really is like to be on your own. You'll fall in love with that feeling and long for it every second that you dont have it. You'll have to wait for a long while, but you'll get there and everything will be amazing. You'll go to prom. I'm so proud of you for not doing what everyone else was. You stayed sober even though it was so painful to be left out. It's oh kay to cry in the bathroom and be angry. You have every right. Try not to be so hard on yourself, even though I know how hard that is. At the end of your freshman year (which wasn't as scary as you'll think it will be) you'll start to figure out what those feelings were. You'll get into a relationship with Katie, the one you've been eyeing for so long. But you'll find out fast that she's not as great as you thought. But soon, someone a million times greater will come along, I promise. That summer, you'll fall in love with Becky, who you'll meet at the pageant you'll be in the summer before. That too wont be as scary as you think it will be. But just a week later, you'll fall in love with someone else. You're going to meet a girl who teaches you a lot about yourself, but be ready, she's a lot to handle. Her name's Heather, by the way. She'll be the girl with red hair and the AFI shirt. Yes, you'll hang onto those boys for a long time. And Decemberunderground is amazing, just to let you know. You'll not only fall in love with Heather, but with the summer time and the city. You'll make plans for your future that is coming very quickly towards you. Sophomore year will start and you'll go through quite an ordeal with mom. She'll never be the same to you again, just so you know. You'll learn not to expect things. You'll also get a lot more rebellious than you ever have been. Which isn't much. But it's enough. You still will have a strong sense of right and wrong. Christmas time, I'm sad to inform you, will lose it's luster. But just after Christmas comes Valentine's Day and although it will seem like all hope is lost, it isn't and something utterly amazing will happen. Keep holding on. We'll get through. You're modeling company will call and you'll get a job. It'll be the ride you need to set your life moving. Stay patient, even though it'll be hard.
I'm proud of you for getting this far. Get us even further.
love,
Ashlee
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