...what am I doing?

I'm annoyed.

With myself.

At how I'm behaving.

I don't understand how.

I can let your presence.

(or lack there of)

Matter so much to me.

I don't understand how.

I can be showing you so much.

When I promised myself that I'd be.

Very nonchalant.

I try sometimes.

When I can remember.

And yet here I.

Am.

Writing all this.

Where you could read it.

If you wanted to.

Just so you.

Know, I'm fighting.

Something I want so.

Badly.

But that doesn't mean.

I don't want it.

(you)

I just.

Really can't bring.

Myself to actually trust that.

I wont wind up exactly how.

I was last time.

I make bad.

Choices more times.

Than not.

And I.

Am scared.

This one could.

Really not be a.

Mistake.

Showing me that.

I'm not the failure I.

Thought I was.

So here I sit.

Waiting like normal.

Hoping you wont.

Read this.

And yet I keep writing.

I missed you today.

Even though I really didn't.

Want to.

Admit that.

I did.

Probably the thing.

That scares me.

Most.

Is I have no.

Idea what you.

Want from.

Me.

I'm terrified.

And utterly annoyed.

At how I'm handling.

(or not)

This.

Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.

Thursday night was six hours.
Friday night was roughly eight, after burning every single calorie that I had consumed in the last week at the dance where I did not stop moving for nearly four hours.
Saturday night was three hours.
Last night, seven and one half hours.

If I'm going to bed at eight o'clock every night... like actually going to sleep... you KNOW there MUST be something wrong.
But if I'm staying up till ten, eleven, twelve o'clock... on school nights... you know that someone somewhere has got to be doing something right because I am HAPPY.

What does this tell you? Someone, somewhere is doing something right. Because I'm losing sleep.


and it's absolutely splendid.

The One You've All Been Waiting For

So. I've had a request to actually update this. And so, I will.


We'll start way back in the beginning of the summer, just a quick review:
Summer began and ended far too quickly. Possibly because I was so busy painting and moving and painting some more. I talked on the phone to a certain someone too little and once she actually broke up with me. After two days of quite literal hell, we were back together. In retrospect, I should have paid attention to this. Maybe shouldn't have forced her to reconsider. We get up to the week before school starts and I meet some lovely girls via Facebook who will be going to my school. Then Shalee comes over and that night, my world takes it's second huge turn. (The first was yet another home shift) My mother tells me that she knows I went to see Heather, twice. And that I'm to have nothing to do with her. Needless to say I had a very long week. The weekend brought a house warming party where I got to meet Hannah and Hilary in person. They ended up staying along with Shalee and Heather V. School started that Tuesday, managing to multiply my hell exponentially. That weekend I went shopping with Hilary. A first in my book, first time to ever go shopping unattended by elders. Another week of school that wasn't as hellish as the first, but still nearly unbearable. I was meeting people, unable to remember names of but a few. I found a place to sit at my A lunch, but was still going to class twenty minutes earlier than I had to to avoid the same scenario during B lunch. That Wednesday, I got another change in my world, one that sent me crashing down. Heather broke up with me for the third time. I woke up in the middle of the night to find an email. I argued, of course, but soon came to my senses that this was the easiest thing for the both of us considering the circumstances. Somehow I got through the rest of the week. The weekend came and I went to a movie with Hannah. Labor Day weekend. My birthday was the following Friday. I began sitting with Aly at B lunch sometime in there. My birthday came and went, I got my license and went to my first football game here. Saturday Mam Seyer joined me at my humble abode and then we went to Hannah's house for movie night. Which turned out to be a surprise party for me. It was a lovely time, a good pick me up for what I was feeling. I think this is where I started to get myself into a sort of trouble. We'll visit that later. The next week at school was getting better, people knew me, spoke to me, I didn't feel so utterly alone. I was beginning to enjoy myself. This could be due to my ever deteriorating home life, but still. I was waking up in the morning excited to go to school. Friday brought on a Tim Burton Movie Night with Hilary. Which was a lovely time. The next day, I had to babysit. So I went on my quest to find the missing letter I was supposed to get from Heather a while ago. But what I found was not the Heather letter I was expecting. It was something else, yet another huge thing to change my world completely. A letter, finalizing my adoption. Home life got better very quickly, knowing that little bit of information, though the parental unit wont know that I know till I'm out of the house. Michael came to visit for the first time at my new home. And it was lovely. I received a new cellular calling device. Which is lovely as well. Complete with texting, ten dollars worth to be exact. Of which, after just a week, I have less than two dollars left. This is no fault of my own, though. I went on a mad couple of texting sprees with Aly this week. Using about 80 texts just on her. This past week has been the best yet, and I can finally say that I do not hate school. Though I did wind myself up more in my little trouble. Trouble being my crushes on Hilary and Aly. And feeling guilty about Heather because I am getting over it way too quickly than I believe I should. This week was Homecoming. Monday, I was Gerard Way. And I looked lovely. Tuesday was Pirate Day, and again, I looked lovely. Wednesday was Gender Bender Day, and I looked and smelled like a boy. Though it wasn't a big deal due to my little 'I'm going to be a boy because boys like girls and I like girls so I really should be a boy' phase. After school I went to Chinese with Aly, which was splendid to say the very least. First time on a four wheeler, which could be described the same way. My night ended too quickly. The next day was Character Day, which I showed up as myself, of course. But how could I not? That morning was the Meet The Candidates assembly. Which was dull. Except when Quincy showed off his ninja moves during musical chairs. I spent Thursday night awake. Talking on the interweb with Aly. Yes. She's showing up a lot. And if anyone's catching on... well I sort of already told you. See my little troubles thing. But minus the first name. Because I got THAT sorted out. The next day I was in an interesting haze, dressed up in purple and gold. The homecoming pep rally ended the day in the most lovely of ways. Now, THAT is a pep rally. During one of the cheers that the cheerleaders were doing, Aly managed to lose her balance, falling, taking me with her, landing on top of me. Which was a sight to see. I almost died from laughter. Aly got best dressed for Favorite Band Day, as she should have. She went as Bob Dylan, and looked lovely, as usual. After the pep rally, we went home, I ran back to school (when I say ran, I mean it.) and then walked back. I nearly died. Got ready for the game and the dance and at about six o'clock, there was a red car in my driveway. And when my sisters answered the door, there stood Aly, with a bag of food. Not just any bag of food. Chicken Tamales. My favorite food in the whole wide world. I could have died. But, it would have been a very lovely death indeed. So I ate, and finished getting ready. Somehow. Aly stayed. and was sitting on my bed the whole time. It was sort of a miracle that I finished all that. Even though there was no way I could eat all of my food and look absolutely amazing with her there. So I settled for most of my food and looking good. And we were off. And I didn't have to walk to school in the rain, which was lovely. Lovely is my prize adjective, now. As you can tell. The game was cold. Very cold. But I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else. And if you don't know why, you must be a grade A retard, or something. The game ended and I walked frozen into the dance. It didn't take long to get thawed out and very shortly after people began to arrive, I was sweating more than a large hairy Nordic man in a sweat box. And that's not even an exaggeration. Gross, isn't it? I never actually stopped moving, dancing along side my friends. I haven't actually danced since eighth grade. There was a sort of tension all night, not the bad kind, just fighting for my attention. Which was awkward to a point, but thrilling as well. After hours of moving, people asking me if I was on drugs (which I wasn't... sort of scary... this is just how I am sober.) the dance ended and we retired to my house. My company left and I passed out sometime after two, waking up after 12:00 p.m. today. It's the latest I've slept in ages. But I used so much energy last night. The night before I got maybe six hours. The night before that I was up late. My nights aren't filled with as much sleep as they started to. Which is good because I sleep a lot only when I'm depressed. So no sleep means I'm happy. And I can feel it. Finally.

Anyone have any idea why?

enjoy the update. and if you have anything to say, feel free.

Neglect

It has been literally months since I have done a proper update on my blog. For this, I apologize. Though it was not without reason. Things have changed very severely and rapidly for me and I have had a hard time adjusting. I have had no will to update more than a few short sentences, most of the time incoherent.

and you were excited with that introduction that this would be the entry in which I would update. That is what this was going to be, but I have lost my ambition. There will be one soon though, I promise.

birthdays.

Hannah and Hilary threw me a surprise birthday party last night. I got three hours of sleep. I'm pretty much dead right at the moment.

So many things I wanted... none of which I have received as of yet.

And I would have killed to have had Heather there.
It's not getting any easier, but it's not getting any worse.

my birthday is in six days.


I wont get what I want.

I aint got much left, now.