Futuring.

I do not feel creative. I do not feel like painting those paintings that are beckoning me to be done, what with seventeen days till they need to be done. Nine in total to be finished in that time. I do not feel much of anything, except the overwhelming want, need, to be on my own, providing for myself, simply because my parental unit is losing ability to provide for me. I need a job. I need to buy everything myself. I need my modeling fiasco to be true, to be prosperous, and soon. I need funds to get myself out of this house and on my own. Supporting myself and my loved ones, that family that has stayed by my side when everyone else have left. I need to find out who is my mother, who is my father. And find out why they never wanted me.
I dont feel ambitious. I do not have goals. I do not have any idea what I'd like to do with my life. I have no plan. I feel like I am failing.
I do not have a plan because I refuse to allow myself to make a plan in fear that it will once again be completely crushed. I want to get out of the house when I'm eighteen. But I have school to finish. And so I will. I need to know where the modeling will take me, though there is no finding that out. No way of knowing what will happen with that. I need a plan, a back up plan. Schooling. Art.
I need to major in art and create a life for myself. A well paying job. A career.
Art. That's what I'll do. Move to a city. Live in an apartment. Open a gallery, something that showcases all the artists. My own little corner. Seattle, Portland, maybe somewhere on the east coast. Work as a model. Work as an artist. Have nice things, a nice car. A beautiful apartment. A beautiful girlfriend/finance/wife. Eventually children, maybe. Vacations over seas. I want to see the world. Maybe I'll eventually move somewhere else. England maybe.
I want my life to begin. I want high school to be over. I want my future to begin to be my present. I want my dreams to come true.
And most of all, right now at this moment, I want the rest of this year to pass beautifully, with this girl I've come to know, have come to cherish.