It's not fair.
I hate today.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
there are moments when I dont remember what's happened before now. moments when I'm not weighed down by all those things that keep me from smiling. moments like this one when I remember all these moments I've shared with you. moments like now when I realize how much of myself I've found along the way.
in this moment I feel utterly disgusting. and I know you're the only one who understands what that means.
and I love it.
in this moment I feel utterly disgusting. and I know you're the only one who understands what that means.
and I love it.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Seduction
We've come up with this theory as to why we were moved from the table we were sitting at, why we are placed the way we are now, and just a whole lot of ridiculousness surrounding our art teacher, Mr. Hach.
Here's the story:
Mr. Hach is a 27 year old bachelor who teaches art in our high school. He lives alone with his two dogs and coaches boys' basketball. He is tall, has a deep voice, and is attractive for a man. Aly and Aly tried to decipher whether or not he was gay last year, with little results. They also decided that he would marry both of them as they became of age.
This year, when I arrived, I was quickly picked up by first one Aly and then the other, forming an almost inseparable group of A's. We sat at a table, joined by Alicia, and were told on an almost daily basis to be quieter. Many threats of seating charts came our way until one day, when Mr. Hach was rather sassy, we got one. Aly was moved to the table under the clock, all the way across the room from Aly and I. I was at the same table we had all originally been at, only moved across it to where Alicia sat. Aly was at the orange table behind me, close enough to carry on a conversation with her. Why were we placed like this? Was it because Mr. Hach (we'll call him Kyle) knew of Aly and I's romantic involvement? That had something to do with it.
It all started when I began developing my rolls of film for photography, consisting mostly of Aly. He'd ask me to make him a copy of the ones he liked. This was clue number one.
Then the seating chart. He kept Aly and I close enough to continue to talk, and coincidentally, the closest to his desk that we could be in the room. Aly was facing his desk, of course, simply because he likes her better. He'd hear of us stalking him every weekend, hear what we'd do when we returned to whomever house we were staying at that weekend, and hear about all the other trivial things we talked about. It had to be nonchalant though, and boy was it.
Aly and I would look for things to give him away, and we began to notice certain glances he'd give us, things he'd say to be subtle but get the point across. One of our most popular theories was that he had taken my two rolls of film one afternoon and made all of the prints to hang on his wall at home. All of the pictures of Aly, that is.
We eventually came to the conclusion that we would get propositioned eventually. At the first basketball game we attended, simply to watch Kyle get out of line like he was rumored to do, I told a very elaborate story about what would happen during this proposition and the effect it would have on our lives. It took the entire second half of the girls' game that was before the boys' game. Our eyes never left Kyle as I told the story.
Today, we arrived at school, having informed him that we would be staying after school to work on our clay busts we're creating in sculpture. We also arrived looking equally seductive, in hopes that the proposition day would be today. After sitting in his class room for nearly two hours, he finally told us that he was ready to go home and that we couldnt work anymore. Both of us were slightly distraught that the forecast for awkwardness hadnt come true but did in no way shake our firm beliefs that Mr. Hach, art teacher extraordinaire, has an über pedophilictic crush on Aly and I.
Oh, and Aly? She's across the room because he plans on actually marrying her. But wants to keep it a secret because she's sixteen. He just wants an escapade with Aly and I.
Here's the story:
Mr. Hach is a 27 year old bachelor who teaches art in our high school. He lives alone with his two dogs and coaches boys' basketball. He is tall, has a deep voice, and is attractive for a man. Aly and Aly tried to decipher whether or not he was gay last year, with little results. They also decided that he would marry both of them as they became of age.
This year, when I arrived, I was quickly picked up by first one Aly and then the other, forming an almost inseparable group of A's. We sat at a table, joined by Alicia, and were told on an almost daily basis to be quieter. Many threats of seating charts came our way until one day, when Mr. Hach was rather sassy, we got one. Aly was moved to the table under the clock, all the way across the room from Aly and I. I was at the same table we had all originally been at, only moved across it to where Alicia sat. Aly was at the orange table behind me, close enough to carry on a conversation with her. Why were we placed like this? Was it because Mr. Hach (we'll call him Kyle) knew of Aly and I's romantic involvement? That had something to do with it.
It all started when I began developing my rolls of film for photography, consisting mostly of Aly. He'd ask me to make him a copy of the ones he liked. This was clue number one.
Then the seating chart. He kept Aly and I close enough to continue to talk, and coincidentally, the closest to his desk that we could be in the room. Aly was facing his desk, of course, simply because he likes her better. He'd hear of us stalking him every weekend, hear what we'd do when we returned to whomever house we were staying at that weekend, and hear about all the other trivial things we talked about. It had to be nonchalant though, and boy was it.
Aly and I would look for things to give him away, and we began to notice certain glances he'd give us, things he'd say to be subtle but get the point across. One of our most popular theories was that he had taken my two rolls of film one afternoon and made all of the prints to hang on his wall at home. All of the pictures of Aly, that is.
We eventually came to the conclusion that we would get propositioned eventually. At the first basketball game we attended, simply to watch Kyle get out of line like he was rumored to do, I told a very elaborate story about what would happen during this proposition and the effect it would have on our lives. It took the entire second half of the girls' game that was before the boys' game. Our eyes never left Kyle as I told the story.
Today, we arrived at school, having informed him that we would be staying after school to work on our clay busts we're creating in sculpture. We also arrived looking equally seductive, in hopes that the proposition day would be today. After sitting in his class room for nearly two hours, he finally told us that he was ready to go home and that we couldnt work anymore. Both of us were slightly distraught that the forecast for awkwardness hadnt come true but did in no way shake our firm beliefs that Mr. Hach, art teacher extraordinaire, has an über pedophilictic crush on Aly and I.
Oh, and Aly? She's across the room because he plans on actually marrying her. But wants to keep it a secret because she's sixteen. He just wants an escapade with Aly and I.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Insecurities.
The past two weekends were nothing but pure bliss and terror at the time to come when I find myself alone again. I become too used to the feeling of someone in bed with me. The first weekend, 44 and a half hours; this last, 47 hours. All together, it's nearly four straight days of not being alone. And it was wonderful.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.
She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.
There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?
So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.
She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.
There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?
So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.
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