Insecurities.

The past two weekends were nothing but pure bliss and terror at the time to come when I find myself alone again. I become too used to the feeling of someone in bed with me. The first weekend, 44 and a half hours; this last, 47 hours. All together, it's nearly four straight days of not being alone. And it was wonderful.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.

She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.

There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?

So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.