I cant breathe anymore.

Dearest,

There are things I havent been telling you. These things have been weighing on me and adding to the pressure of everything that keeps piling up because, honestly, I cant bring myself to do anything these days. I'm worried and sullen and plain scared. I'm petrified as the piece of tree that rests on your mantel over your fake fireplace in your living room. The same fireplace that has provided us warmth whilst watching countless movies during those cold months and the same fireplace that watched us scurrying around during those warm ones, often without much on. Why I have spent so many words describing what the fireplace has seen is beyond me.
I'm home with nothing but the hum of this computer that keeps me going and the varied banging from the children downstairs. They claim to be cleaning the basement but I'm nearly convinced that they are only trying to get into the bedroom where all the Christmas presents lie. Why is that relevent? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps I fill my paragraphs with things not pertaining to the topic to distract you from what I'm really trying to say.
I find little comfort in the fact that you dont come here to read what I have to say anymore. I'm writing you this knowing that you wont read it. I dont want you to read it. But I want you to know what it is I'm writing. Yet I knot that if you did know it, I could ruin anything we have right now. Oh, if you could know the nights I've been up crying about this, how many times I've been screaming driving down the road, or the number of panic attacks I've been plagued with knowing that this is inside of me and I can do nothing about it. I'll continue to be as vague as I can about it, until I have nothing else to fill the time, and then reveal it.
While I am writing this, I have done everything I can down stairs, I've checked the competence of various data cds, I've changed clothes, taken bathroom breaks, and texted you. I keep avoiding this because it's huge, because I'm scared, because there is nothing else and if I get rid of this, I could have nothing left.
Enough of this nonsense, now, I ramble far too often. I've come to the conclusion that the feelings I have been experiencing are not going to leave easily, if at all, and this is why I have to tell you of them. They involve you so greatly that leaving you out would be ridiculous...


Almost as ridiculous as writing this on the internet, for everyone to see. Especially since it's such a private matter. As is why I am discontinuing this post.

Just to let you know

before i let people care too much for
the way my breath catches when i sigh--

like something worth falling in love with.

(you are beautiful enough to cause a seizure
in any epileptic.)

and because i miss you, okay

you would have laughed.
and i like it when you smile.

in five years, i want to be on a plane
and i want the plane to crash into the
ocean and i want everyone to be okay
except me.

in five years i want out of this bed.
in five years i want to be crowned
queen of lowercase letters. in five
years i want you to say, "you are
the best thing that has happened
to me," and mean it. but wishes don't work like that.

it is one o' clock in the morning i have no
one here to tell me to keep both hands
on the wheel, to stop fiddling with the
radio, to not drive in lonely lanes of
oncoming traffic. i only have wet roads
and trees, because i'm pretty sure the
only way to feel alive is to practice dying
until you get it right.

it is my birthday, and all i really want
is a full-fledged zombie apocalypse.

it is my birthday and i want someone
to fucking hold me and tell me they
love me and and that i will be okay.
i want someone to rub my back and
kiss my neck and tell me that eighteen
has never looked so beautiful.

i try not to make mistakes, anymore, which
means these days i watch tv and think about
hurting myself without actually being able to

i used to cut myself in perfectly straight lines. i
made cookies just to eat the dough. pain still
makes me calm in ways that writing songs and
organized sports never could.

thought
about how good it feels
to know that i will always
be able to hurt myself more
than you can ever hurt me.

-wonderful words I've collected and didnt compose but she did. Give her a look, her writings are wonderous: Estallidos
------------------------------------------------

I used to know how to form words into the exact right sentences to make every single person feel better.
Now I only know what to say to ruin the moment.

-The sad truth, written with my hands.

We are living in a material world

and I am a material girl:

-An Audrey Kawasaki original painting
-a tokidoki bag
-a Cat-Rabbit owl
-120 GB iPod Classic
-a shopping spree for new clothes like crazy

Things I Wrote Today

I sit, reading in my car, waiting for my sister to get out of school. The snow was raining down on the early November, making everything outside soggy and cold. These days, even simple scenes like this seem to content me and I haven't the faintest clue why. When she's taken too long to get to my car, I get out to go see where she could be. I am knocked over by the sudden rush of sound that greets me as I open my door. So much water falling from the sky, the variance of frozen and not, creating different pitches as it hits the ground. I can hear every car passing within blocks of where I stand. Dozens of children scream and play coming out of the school. Every sound joining together into one burst of an instant when my door opens. It's so beautiful and so frightening that it lingers in my consciousness through the weekend and the next week. All of that sound, rushing at me all at once, threatening to take me down and all I can think of is when on earth my phone will alert me of my newest message. The sound never does eat me and it's hours till my phone makes any sound.

These days, I wear exhaustion as my cosmetics, purples and blues under my eyes and white flakes of skin on my lips. Exhaustion and dehydration wearing down my body. And somehow it's everything I need. Those bags under my eyes, my cracked and bleeding lips, nails broken and my body aches. It all makes the only sense I have. It all makes getting up in the morning that much harder but it's still all I have. This aching in my chest, the creaking of my ribcage and every one of my bones, for that matter. Every day that passes it's all there, yet somehow, ironically, I am perhaps the most calm, most content, least stressed out that I have ever been. I cant have a care and any feeling is fleeting. The tree is up and the sun sinks down and I have nothing to look forward to in the immidiate future. And for once in my life, that is alright.

I checked out a book today on pure impulse, even though I have two that I'm already trying to finish. Mrs. Logrine mistook me for Kayla Green and wears entirely too much rouge. It was two minutes till I could go to art class and another 42 till I could go home, with my best friend, and waste an open hour.

We Love Sleeping Here

I encounter small victories when I wake up during the night to find that it isn't anywhere near the time I have to get up. I find a strange comfort in knowing that I can fall back asleep for hours, yet.

A Declaration.

Today is the last day that I will hurt because of her.
Today is the final day of my horrid habit.
Today I realize that I cannot fall so utterly in love with anyone the way I have for more than one person in the past due to the fact that I cannot trust them to not break me to pieces. Whatever their intentions, it is bound to happen.
Today I take my life back.
Today, today is a day that could go down in history. Everything before is a fond or not so fond memory. Everything after is for me. For no one else but myself.

I promise to work as hard as I can towards this. I have to.

Siiiick

I made it nearly a month through a particularly germ-filled year (Everyone at school is sick and has been since day one) without getting sick. But Thursday afternoon I began to show signs of catching something and by the time I woke up Friday, I was sufficiently sick. I am utterly surprised, however, that I lasted this long.
Things around here havent been getting better, not quickly, not efficiently. I take a step forward and then something happens where I'm sent three steps back. It's very inconvenient and very tiring. Not to mention the fact that I am attempting to maintain our friendship in the process. That makes everything that much harder.
I absolutely adore our new art teacher. Enough said.
I may be developing a weird sort of something. We'll see where that leads. This is very confusing to me and to anything I've known about myself. It just adds to the confusion and everything going on right now.
I'm just about done with anything relationship based simply because these girls are driving me crazy. I need to find a fairly stable, good-looking, short-ish lesbian who likes me, is mature, intelligent, and isn't a cunt.

Pfft, wish me luck.

Nothing Important

Spent the weekend in Minnesota visiting MOA and the zoo. I think I havent been that tired in a long while.
My birthday is next Sunday. I currently do not have a vehicle.
I had meltdown after meltdown last week. I dont know if this one will be any better but I'm hoping so. I have too much artwork to complete.

I want a suicide girls subscription for my birthday. I'd also like some fun fabric, furry probably, and felt, to make things with. I'd go for an anteater, too.
Ah yes, and I wouldnt mind getting laid.

An update of sorts

I dont know why I still have a blog.

I start school on Wednesday... maybe that will give me something to talk about.
I am terrified.

I love Candy at Wal-Mart

Today I went into town with my father to get the materials I need for my most recent project. We also needed to go get cat food as my cat children were constantly harassing me that we were "ALMOST OUT!!!". We enter the WalMart and go to the pet goods and I grab the cat food I always get for them. Walking back up to the cash registers, my father kept complaining about how I didnt get the 'kitnkaboodle' cat food that was four dollars less. I kept insisting that this twenty pound bag of food that my cat children ALWAYS EAT will be just fine.
We go to the cash register and get checked out by a very very nice looking african-american girl named Candy. She was very pregnant and very nice. She was just very. She rand up the Q-Tips my father needed then tried to ring up the cat food. We flipped the bag over to find the bar code and then she uses her hand ringer-uper to scan it. The only problem is: it doesnt ring up. She tries for something like two and a half minutes to ring it up before resorting to just typing in the numbers in the bar code manually. When this just brings up an error about a non-existant code number she sighs in an annoyed tone. All the while, my father has been repeating "It must be free! It must be free!" with every failed attempt to purchase it.
Candy, rather exacerbated, replies "It must be free! My feet hurt and I'm not even supposed to be working the register today. It's free."
She then reassures my father that contrary to his beliefs she will keep her job and that no one will know and if anyone does, she really doesnt care.
Walking away, a rather happy couple of shoppers, my father and I turn to bid her farewell, my father saying, "Take care of that baby! When are you due?!?" September was her answer and so my dad insists that she has it on the seventh. She then says "I'll try to squeeze it out then" with that pretty smile of hers.

Obama

My reasons to vote for him started out as any regular person's reasons like agreeing with the way he views things. But this morning I have decided that I am voting for Obama for mostly one reason.

And that is?



This morning when my MSN homepage popped up I saw a picture out of the corner of my eye that made me have to actually look at it. Why you ask? Well, I swore that the picture was of Jay-Z aka my favorite rapper, in the entire world. Upon further examination, I found the picture was one of Barack Obama. Apparently he is nearly synonymous with Jay-Z and that my friends is why he has my vote this November.

A New Site Launching

I have just launched a new blog that advertises, in a sense, my artistic works I have done in the past couple years. Feel free to visit and comment at: http://ashleesthings.blogspot.com

Aly comes home tomorrow!

I've been very interesting

One more week till she comes back. Wow, I've had an interesting time here alone.
I've managed to lose five pounds, not on purpose mind you. I dont HAVE five pounds to lose. It's been that sort of week.

But I'm oh kay now. I'll be better next Monday. This week I'm painting in W.U. (people will know where that is) and so it wont be so bad because I'll have something to do.

Seven more days. That's my countdown.

What I've been up to

Summer has been around for almost two weeks and I've accomplished more than I have in the past two summers combined. I'm working for my choir teacher; she's asked me to paint her basement. I'm also making things in my free time for birthdays. It's really nice.
ACTs are on Saturday. Friday is the 13th. The first doesn't excite me much though the second does.
I'm off to study now.

It's been a very gay day.

Upon arriving home from school today I logged onto my lovely computer and saw on the MSN homepage that the gay marriage ban in California has been overturned . This launched me into a very good mood, which was refreshing following my fairly decent day.
We had nice rehearsals (finally!) during both of the choirs I'm in today. It's a good thing because we have a concert a week from today. Then during third hour we went to the art teacher's (Kyle Hach) house to do a pit firing for our wheel thrown pots in his back yard. Coincidentally a certain girl whom I may or may not have a crush on lives immediately adjacent to his house. I felt like a super creep because of events that have taken place in the past week that makes being around her even more awkward than before. This brings me to second hour English class when we went out to the business class's sale of baked goods and other edible things. I was just standing there, minding my own business seeing that Rachel, probably the only one out there that would serve as any company what so ever was standing with Kayla (aforementioned girl of awkward relations). But when Rachel saw me, I watched in horror as she told Kayla that she was going to go stand with me. She came and Kayla followed and we stood there, Rachel and I conversing. After about seven or so minutes of just severe discomfort Rachel starts laughing as she realized what situation she'd just put the two of us in.
Also, it has been noted that Kayla has been looking in my general direction and happens to be near me during physical education a considerable amount.
BUT THEN: I go to Angelique's blog because I haven't been reading it lately due to my full schedule and found some puzzling things about it. After searching for a ridiculous twenty minutes I came upon this post which explained it all. It was a very welcome discovery.
In the closing of my very gay day, I conversed with Aly about the happenings of the day, which she responded to in the normal fashion of the moment. We're both very disgustingly in love these days and lustiness has reentered our relationship. Over 7 months, guys, aren't you proud?

Now hopefully my gay day will carry over into the night as I go to bed. I'm hoping for some hot lesbian sex dreams, though I don't hold much hope as I have a considerably small amount of them. Oh well, all I can do is just have hot lesbian sex instead.

That's enough.

Village Inn is too much fun

On Friday Aly and I went into town and went shopping for some khakis for her. It wasn't a particularly eventful trip but we had fun. It was raining and beautiful. We met some lovely cats at Petsmart. And found some lovely books in Barnes & Nobel. Then we went to eat at Village Inn.
That's where the real fun started.
We were walking in and I got this out of my mouth: "It would be crazy if we walked in and Grand..." and I see my grandma standing there. They go to Village Inn a lot and I was just saying that it would be crazy if we saw them and then they are there. I screeched with excitement and all the old people's ears perked up at the loud noise as I greeted my grandma.
Apparently that is not the thing to happen if I want to be eating at Village Inn. The rest of the dinner I spent choking on my chocolate chip pancakes from laughter.

The next day Aly came to spend the night and we had a lovely time just being. The next morning was gorgeous as we lay in bed till she had to go home. The rest of the day was spent enjoying the finally springtime. I walked my dog almost three miles just to walk past the art teacher's house. (the one Aly and I get a kick out of stalking)

Today has been almost as beautiful out. After school we went to get ice cream and went to the park. We were just enjoying the atmosphere. I love it when the weather finally gets warm.

Prom

Shit, I'm tired.

It was wonderful. The decorations were stunning. We ate and were merry.
At Grand March of course someone was behind me that kept my gaze facing forward so I wouldn't stare. Aly looked beautiful.
I hated being gay at prom. It made everything feel very awkward. This may be why I had the dream I had. The one I cant get out of my head. The one where the girl whom I mention quite frequently told me that I was the absolute most disgusting person on the earth for being gay and liking her.
We came home at one thirty, ate and began watching Walk Hard. We've seen it once in theatre. We saw maybe fifteen minutes last night before we were sleeping. Then again this morning when we woke for the first time, we saw about fifteen minutes before we had gone back to sleep. But it was wonderful to just sleep like we were, tangled in eachother's limbs.

Welcome to the Jungle

So what's been going on:

Solo and Ensemble contest was two Saturdays ago. My ensemble received a II. But only because we were fortunate enough to get the hardest judge there. The others would have given us a I. Yes, we rocked that hard.

This Saturday is prom. This is where I get my title from because that's the theme. I've just spent the past month and a half constructing various animals to put in this jungle. All pastel colors. It's that sort of jungle. Needless to say, I'm stoked. Right as I type this, I'm in the process of trying out the hair, makeup, the whole shebang. Just to make sure I'm Saturday-ready. I look kickass right now.

Once all the prom crap's done, hopefully I'll start cleaning the lady's house who lives down the street. Yes, I will be employed.

Other than that, I think not a whole lot has been going on. I got in the National Honor Society. Yes, I know. Anyway...

I'll write again in a couple days, probably. Unless something amazing happens before prom.

It's been an odd day...

it seemed that it was doomed from the start.
At about four a.m. I woke up staring at a part of my ceiling I've never stared at before. My body was parallel to my pillows. I had somehow twisted around a full ninety degrees in my sleep. Prior to and following I had the most horrid time sleeping I'd had in ages.
Aly and I had a sort of mishap which launched me into a horrid mood until after fifth hour.
Government comes along and she walks in, wearing my favorite shirt she has looking amazing, as usual. She sits down and I notice something. She normally wears clothes the right way (no skin showing anywhere) but this shirt she wears has new reason to be my favorite. When she leans over there's that little bit of skin right above her jeans that show. I about died. I really thing that this is getting a little out of hand.
After school, Aly and I go to Mr. Hach's room to ask him to go look at our fabulous prom decorations. I told him that he HAS to go or else... and he looks at me over his glasses with a huge smile on his face and goes "Or else you'll what?"
It was my first awkward encounter with Kyle. And it was amazing.


that is all.
I'm hanging in there, for anyone who would like to know. Prom decorations are over, prom's this weekend so I'll have time to write again. Dont everyone get too excited.

Shiiiiit

Sorry to anyone who reads this... lack of posts (over a month!)

But I really dont have much to say... prom stuff up the ass right now SO it will probably be another month.


kthnxbye

I hate it

when my fingernails feel heavy

I miss Heath Ledger.

Gone for now

doesn't really matter since no one reads it anyway

I'll come back when I feel like it.