Hunker Down, It's Going to be a Long Winter

Or, at least, a long winter week of my first finals in college. It's not that I'm worried about finals. I'm just overly ready for my break to start. I'm going on vacation with my family and Shawn (though he could be considered family at this point). I'll be home for a day short of two weeks then back here to the apartment for a week and a half with Shawn. By Friday, I will not have seen him for three weeks. It's the longest we've ever gone and I am more than ready for it to be over.
Much to my surprise, the holidays aren't bringing me down like they usually do. I've been feeling it when I'm out and about and the christmas music isn't irritating me or making me sad. I noticed it when I watched the snow fall last week and wasn't pissed off about it. I don't remember the last holiday season where I wasn't just absolutely dreadful: my mental state, my attitude. It feels like christmas: the wonder, the love, all those nice feelings from when I was very, very young. I'm even excited for christmas morning.
But that's all I have time to go into. My composition class's final is a simple three page paper that I just have to turn in during the allotted 2 hour final exam time. I haven't even started it, naturally. So I have to whip that up today and start on my winter presents for everyone. But I feel much more ambitious than I have the past couple of days so hopefully all will get accomplished that needs to be.

SNOOOOOW

We here in Iowa got a pretty hefty snow storm on Tuesday and Wednesday which has cancelled the past three days of school. My week prior to finals consisted of one day of classes. It was glorious.
I'll tell you what's not glorious though: The roads. They are hindering my ability to travel to see Shawn. This does not make me happy one bit.
I should probably start making this blog a little more interesting but right now I have a pretty bad headache from being on the computer pretty much non stop for 36 hours.

I'll think of something later.

Back by Popular Demand

College. Or school of any sort causes my posts to slow to an unacceptable pace. (though this is not always the case. Look at how many posts I have from the summer...) I just dont have a whole lot to say these days. I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and go to bed. Weekends are reserved for seeing my family and my boyfriend and daydreaming about having the time to paint. I've been living on twenty dollars for two weeks. This. Is. The. Life.

Religion makes me sick. Politics make me sick. Propaganda makes me sick. No one is better than anyone else. Please stop killing everyone just because they believe something different than you do. Just a thought.

School, though it is difficult, is not kicking my ass. My lowest grade is a very high B+ that will be an A fairly soon (hopefully). I think I'm doing just fine. I might take a couple more credit hours next semester but we'll see. Art class? Yes, please.

As for anything else, not a whole lot is happening. I miss a bunch of people: Keri, Hannah, Aly, Shawn (always), Becky, Mr. Purvis, Mr. Roberson... I haven't made any friends, really. There are a couple of people I talk to in Art History, Comp, and French but no one that I'd go out and do anything with. My roommate is awesome but I just miss my friends from school and seeing them every day. I cant say I miss the all day, every day classes but the people, I miss the people.

I want a tattoo. And I will if I ever have enough money to get one. The word "catharsis" on my thigh. A branch growing out from in between my ribs with a ribbon caught on it with the words "I am not a bird, I am not a plane". A tiny purple rose somewhere.

Keri, is this a good enough update? It's very scattered but I'm doing it during my break at school and I dont have time to draft this shit out. It better be.


On a side note: There are people talking about their preferences of sizes of penises to my left. One girl is talking about how huge penises suck, harder to do some positions with. I have to agree with her. I dont want a huge thing tearing me apart every time, thanks. There is also a boy sitting across from me eating Burt's Bees Chapstick. Oh, college...

A New Life

Nearly two months have passed since I've moved into the apartment. I have yet to meet anyone outside of my roommate. I am overloaded with homework, haven't painted since I've been here, and am getting quite tired of cooking. I am very lonely here and very stressed out. I hope it gets better, soon.

A Full Week After My Horridly Late Post

This college thing is time consuming and exhausting.

So I made it to his city, picked him up, and parked my car. Everything was perfect. It felt like it had been ages and at the same time like no time and passed at all. I was relieved and I was euphoric. Everyone could tell because I was loud and uninhibited.
The campus was beautiful, the boys were nice, I was a novelty so I got admiration-laced attention. The bed was uncomfortable but not so much that it was impossible to get sleep on.
On Saturday I felt like death but he assured me that I wasnt a burden and I was content not doing anything but being there with him. I felt like I was home and it was perfect.

Details are intimate and intimacy is private. All I'll share has been stated and that is all that is needed.

I cant wait to go again.

Travels part I

So here it is, Wednesday of the week following a long awaited trip that was such a delight, and I've yet to blog about it. What a wretched girl I am.
Last Thursday I made a long trek across the state (not all the way, but it was far enough) to visit Shawn. It was pouring the whole two hours I was on interstate but stopped soon before I got to the destination city. I'd copied down directions from Mapquest onto a sticky note that was affixed to my steering wheel but upon arriving to the last place that I knew how to get to, I realized that all of my directions from there on out were void of directions. North, south, left, right. So I meandered about town for a half an hour watching for the building and/or Shawn, whichever came first. But I found it and I don't know if I've ever been happier to arrive anywhere in my whole life. It'd felt like forever since I'd seen him and I don't think I stopped smiling for hours.

But now, class draws near, the horrid, dreaded algebra class that is so ridiculously boring that I think I may actually die and I need to leave. More later, I promise.

Claaaaasssessss

I thought now would be the time to update; I have a paper to write and I could be starting on my algebra. Procrastination is what I do best.
On Mondays and Wednesdays I have:
Art History I- my professor is fantastic, animated, and beautiful. She also gets major points for spending her summers abroad and not wearing a bra on the first day of class. Oh, and her accent is very pleasing to listen to at 10 a.m.
Composition I- my teacher is a short, middle aged, pessimist who likes to swear a lot. He took us on a tour to kill time and told us that he only has one picture of him as a child. Though I'm not huge on writing papers, he's enthusiastic (though not in an irritatingly cheery way) and I enjoyed my first two hours.
Intermediate Algebra- I wish I had tried on my ACTs. This class is essentially Algebra II which I took my sophomore year in high school. This should be an easy A and we all know that I love easy A's. My teacher is as old, if not older, than my father and reminds me of what he'd be like if he had a Ph.D. in Mathematics. The class was boring because I knew the material, it was arctic, and I hadn't eaten in quite some time. I was ready to go home but it wasn't horrible.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Elementary French I. I have never taken a foreign language course so it is daunting by my professor is a lively middle aged woman who dresses well and sings quite a bit. I was very sick this morning but I forgot about it in her classroom; it was a welcome relief.
I will be completely fine this semester (I hope). I love my professors and people really don't seem to notice me much. I just need to remember to wear warm clothing.

A Grown-Up

I've always felt as though I was already an adult. I've always been far too young and not nearly far enough into life to get what I wanted, to live how my mind functioned. In body I was a child, in mind, I was much older.
In recent years I've had a recurring feeling of wanting to be secure in my life, in a financially secure place, to be happy, to have a family. It doesn't happen often and it doesn't last long. That is, not until recently. In the past year, I've had an odd urge to settle down, though I could never do so as young as I am.
In spite of not having the means to do so, I crave it. How strange for me to crave such a thing... I've always put on the air that it is certainly not for me while in reality, it is something I'd like very much.
A wonderful old house, made of brick, inside decorated with brights colors in a multitude of patterns and textures. Big soft beds and a full fridge in a kitchen that I actually use. Living with someone I love, creating artworks that people actually want to buy by day and love by night. Never a marriage, it's not something I believe in, but a ceremony of love in the backyard full of bright flowers and rich green grass. Then, after a few years of life and love, a little family. A beautiful little child with wispy blonde hair, huge, curious eyes, and flushed cheeks.
Though it sounds like a fairy tale, I believe it can happen. Nothing is perfect all of the time, but most of the time is enough for me.

I'm feeling better today

Yesterday I got most all of the unpacking done, ate at semi-regular times, showered, got my dishwasher fixed, and went to WalMart. Later in the evening, Aly stopped by to see the apartment and get my out of my little hole for a bit. I came home and talked to Shawn on Facebook for far too long but went to bed content. Today has went well so far, no sadness or hopelessness today. And being alone isn't bothering me too much. I'd still like to have Shawn around. But I know it's going to be ok.

The Move

I hate it here. I am so lonely. That first night was perfect, it felt like that was how it was supposed to be but when he left the next morning, everything just fell apart.
Last night, I couldn't bring myself to sleep in an empty bed so I parked myself on the couch with the television on so it wouldn't be so quiet. Someone told me to sleep and I would feel better in the morning. Today, I just feel worse.
My shower doesn't drain, the showerhead sucks, my ice maker doesn't work, and the dishwasher doesn't drain. The people upstairs seem to Riverdance from 8-11 p.m. and enjoy hanging things on the walls at ten. My walls are completely white and I don't have the money to put anything on them. School starts on Monday which means I will have to meet people and actually go places. Perhaps that will make this situation better.
I wish I knew someone close enough to keep me company. I wish he wasn't going to school two hours away. I wish we were closer. I wish I had more money. I wish I knew how my mom figures she's going to pay for all of these things she wants to pay for. I'm so worried about everything.

I truly hate it here right now.

The Beginning

I move on Monday. I move into an apartment, away from my family, for the first time in my life. It's a day I've been waiting for for years but I'm really scared because it's something I've never done before.
I've been busy packing and cleaning and shopping and setting up my school situation and seeing everyone once more before I go so my blog has suffered. My blog has suffered all summer due to a large increase in having things to do. I love that I've been social for the first summer of my life.
I'm scared of what comes next even more than I typically would have been because of the near perfect state my life is right now. I don't want this to end.

Maybe this isn't the end. Maybe this is only the beginning.

Scars

I have many multicolored adornments I wear with a certain amount of pride and ownership on my body. These blemishes remind me where I've been, what I've done, and how miserably I failed at doing it.
Take, for instance, the purple splotches on the backs of my heels. These have formed from wearing size 3 in children's white patten leather flats. I have walked miles in them while the backs spent hours biting blisters into my skin.
Or maybe the spotty pattern on my right knee that seemingly appeared out of nowhere following a surprise romp in my car at nine A.M. It scabbed and flaked and got infected. Now, over a month later, it is a violet-brown around shiny white scar tissue.
Move up my legs and find tan lines along the outside of my thigh. These are emotional. The long one running horizontal is the worst scar I have, to no surprise, it is my favorite.
Scars, too many to recall, all telling a story, painting a picture on my ivory skin. Fingers run over them and beg for the tale of how it got there, beg for more to be revealed.

Post 300. Cool, huh?

Tonight, I'm breaking down. Everything's terrifying. The future, the present, the past. I'm feeling residual feelings while being aware of my feelings at the moment. I am overwhelmed.

I'm going to college in less than a month.
I am partaking in a terrifyingly intimate relationship.
I was so in love with her.
I was so in love with a different her.
One her is still in love with me.
I may not get the future that I crave.
I may not be good enough to get it.
It may be all my fault.


I am happy and I am sad and I am terrified. But everything, everything is ok.

I love coming home, his scent lingering on my skin after a day planted securely by his side. I love holding his hand in the car.

I love this feeling...

I feel bare, I feel exposed. I feel out of my comfort zone and I am comfortable.

Things don't happen when you are ready for them. Never.

Some Considerations.

I am trying to keep control of myself because:

a. Distance is not something I am particularly fond of
b. The fear I have of being hurt, again, is nearly overwhelming

I've found myself, today, debating upon whether or not to just get out while things are light. But they aren't as light as they may seem. There is history, though it may not be the same history as what we're making now, so that needs to be taken into account. Also, I'd never do that. No matter how scared I was. I'd never run away just because I was scared because I care too much, I'm in too far, I've been around too long.

Please, do not tire of me. I don't know if I could stand it.

Lack of Attention

Since no one really reads this blog it's not that big of a deal that I don't update. This really isn't an update, anyway. I have plenty going on, many things to update about, but nothing I will mention here.

The Living

After my sister's recital last night, I ran into my friend whom I was also there to watch. She enveloped me in a hug and with a shocked expression on her face told me how well I looked. I congratulated her on her wonderful performances (they really were great) and then she was off to find her family that I had seen waiting for her. Her words still ring in my ears: "You look so good!" and I realize that it's because I'm alive. I'm fully and utterly alive. My life is radiating from me, this blood that's changed forever. I feel like everyone can see it, this change, but I know they can't. I know it's just in my head. This visible well-being is from the activity I've been doing, new color staining my cheeks.
But maybe, perhaps, it was because I was a fire when I saw her, a glimpse of this I've partaken in fueling my fast heartbeat and fluttering limbs. I was moving through the crowd looking for my mom and sister, watching him move through the mass just out of my sight.

No idea what I'm doing, but I feel it in my bones and in my blood and I feel alive as a person can be.

Restless, Reckless

I feel like a caged animal. I don't know how long I can take this. I need to get out. I need to go do this thing I am driven to do. I need to do it for a long time and never stop till I pass out and die. Then when I regain consciousness and life, I'll do it some more and maybe, just maybe, then I will be satisfied. But probably not.

Shiiiiiit.

I need to go to bed. Glad I stayed up for that one, though.

Have I ever mentioned that I love late night phone calls, especially ones that are made for no reason what so ever?

No?

I didn't think so. But now, internet, you know.

why does my face keep catching on fire?

this blood hasn't pooled beneath the skin of my cheeks in ages.

What is going on here?

So maybe I wasn't invincible. Maybe I could be touched. Maybe I didn't have my feelings under control. Maybe I'm not who I think I am. But I swear, for that moment when my face brushed the smooth skin of his shoulder, him standing shirtless with his arms around me trying to keep me warm, the universe suddenly shifted and this thing didn't seem so far out of reach. Like maybe I could be a different me and maybe that would be ok. (because in that moment, it felt right. It felt like something I could do. It felt like it'd never felt before)
But maybe I'm just idealizing it. Maybe. And that last part? I dont think it was my fault. If put in that situation, I would have done the same thing. But maybe, just maybe, things will play out. This is a hushed matter, though. Not something I'd like to share. Not something I am confident I understand well enough to share. It's like an out of body experience. I was a different person, in a different life. Everything was different but it didn't feel wrong, which is what I expected.

And no, sir, you did not smell bad. You smelled wonderful, in fact.

I graduate in fourteen-ish hours.

In that room containing close to two thousand people, I still don't expect to be able to breathe tomorrow.

Though it may be my own fault, it's getting worse, not better. It's gaining strength, not weakening.

I don't know what to do and I know there isn't much else I can do that I haven't done already.

The End is In Sight

Two days left. That's it. In the past week things have gotten much better and now, I don't know if I'm so ready. No, wait, I am. It was just nice what was happening and I don't want it to stop.

Dick in a Box

I need to GTFO.

This place is driving me crazy.

Lately

School, homework, I'm sick, being a senior is BUSY, I have about a billion projects and big assignments going on here, show choir?, and I have been flirting SHAMELESSLY with a boy. A young boy. Whom I find very, very attractive. Which may strike you as odd considering what's known on the streets about me. Let's just call this an identity crisis and be done with it. We'll see where I go.

In the meantime, I have two weeks of school left. Two weeks to finish 8 classes, 7 of which have HUGE projects/assignments due in them. Not forgetting the finals. I have graduation to prepare for and I havent drawn a thing for myself in AGES. I forget what sleep is.

Wish me luck. I'm really have a good time (that's a true statement).

Relief

I ordered a decorative corset for prom in January. It arrived today after a very long time of worrying and delays and just ridiculous circumstances. I didnt think it'd ever get here. But it's here now and it was completely and utterly worth it.

I am content.

My first scientific hypothesis

So somewhere along the line of growing up I read or heard somewhere that each eye sees more of red or blue, respectively. This is not something that is very noticeable and it's supposed to be more noticeable in men, women rarely observe it. But scowering the internet, I have yet to find any scientific information on it which is sad because it sort of has a lot to do with my hypothesis, but:
If this is true, well, here is my hypothesis- I notice the little difference in each eye. My left is more red and the right is more blue. If this is supposed to be more prominent in men, perhaps I have more 'male' based genes hence why I have a preference in women.

Maybe?

Just An Update

Nothing to blog about, not that it gets read.
Just letting anyone know that I'm still alive, even if it's just barely.

I am floored.

As if she needed to look any better. As if I could take her looking any more beautiful. But braces dont stay forever. It's just...

my heart is aching and I cant sleep anymore.

OH THE HORROR

Watch Zarathustra Strauss in Music Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com


Excuse me while I make completely appropriate vomiting noises and probably produce some bile. I might scream a little, too.

What did you expect?

If falling out of the habit due to a particularly hectic week didn't do it, being swept away by a sea of depression and anxiety definitely did.

No more pictures once a day. It seemed a waste.

Once Every

Saturday, January 17, 2009:

Though I would like to have a nice sized print, a small portable Audrey Kawasaki painting will do.

Friday, January 16, 2009:

I am uncharacteristically eager to see what Jon and Kate's eight children will look like when they are older.

Thursday, January 15, 2009:

The second snow day in a row and Jacquolynne is thrilled.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009:

It started as a black dot and turned into a snail named Neville with a gotee and chest hair.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009:

Even my cats feel at ease in her presence.

Monday, January 12, 2009:

I love my cats, I just dont love the things their dander does to my eyes.

Sunday, January 11, 2009:

There is nothing in the world like being able to wear children's clothes when you are an adult.

Saturday, January 10, 2009:

I lie sometimes, like when I say that this picture was take Saturday.

Friday, January 9, 2009:

Beds are a very versatile furniture item; they serve as a place to lounge, eat, be sick, rehabilitate, work, fuck, create, die, and sleep.

Five Days

Sunday, January 4, 2009:

Heart attacks brought on by leaping out and shouting unexpectedly are my specialty.

Monday, January 5, 2009:

I've found that animals seem to take on the traits associated with their owners; like looking really ridiculous upside down.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009:

Upon opening my fortune cookie, the only thought I had was "Oh really?!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009:

My pinky hurts from being so fancy.

Thursday, January 8, 2009:

One of the best gifts I've ever gotten was a fancy x-ray from the lost and found.

Two Days

Friday, January 2, 2009:

Most people take 'mental health' days spent doing nothing but those days tend to have the opposite effect on me.

Saturday, January 3, 2009:

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been in a near constant state of panic since December 29.

One photo, one sentence, once a day, every day.

Hopefully this will suffice as a sort of therapy as my mental state continues to plummet. Though the postings will not be daily, every day will be accounted for.


We will start the year off now:

I wish I had spend this New Year the way I spend it last New Year.