Scars

I have many multicolored adornments I wear with a certain amount of pride and ownership on my body. These blemishes remind me where I've been, what I've done, and how miserably I failed at doing it.
Take, for instance, the purple splotches on the backs of my heels. These have formed from wearing size 3 in children's white patten leather flats. I have walked miles in them while the backs spent hours biting blisters into my skin.
Or maybe the spotty pattern on my right knee that seemingly appeared out of nowhere following a surprise romp in my car at nine A.M. It scabbed and flaked and got infected. Now, over a month later, it is a violet-brown around shiny white scar tissue.
Move up my legs and find tan lines along the outside of my thigh. These are emotional. The long one running horizontal is the worst scar I have, to no surprise, it is my favorite.
Scars, too many to recall, all telling a story, painting a picture on my ivory skin. Fingers run over them and beg for the tale of how it got there, beg for more to be revealed.

Post 300. Cool, huh?

Tonight, I'm breaking down. Everything's terrifying. The future, the present, the past. I'm feeling residual feelings while being aware of my feelings at the moment. I am overwhelmed.

I'm going to college in less than a month.
I am partaking in a terrifyingly intimate relationship.
I was so in love with her.
I was so in love with a different her.
One her is still in love with me.
I may not get the future that I crave.
I may not be good enough to get it.
It may be all my fault.


I am happy and I am sad and I am terrified. But everything, everything is ok.

I love coming home, his scent lingering on my skin after a day planted securely by his side. I love holding his hand in the car.

I love this feeling...

I feel bare, I feel exposed. I feel out of my comfort zone and I am comfortable.

Things don't happen when you are ready for them. Never.

Some Considerations.

I am trying to keep control of myself because:

a. Distance is not something I am particularly fond of
b. The fear I have of being hurt, again, is nearly overwhelming

I've found myself, today, debating upon whether or not to just get out while things are light. But they aren't as light as they may seem. There is history, though it may not be the same history as what we're making now, so that needs to be taken into account. Also, I'd never do that. No matter how scared I was. I'd never run away just because I was scared because I care too much, I'm in too far, I've been around too long.

Please, do not tire of me. I don't know if I could stand it.

Lack of Attention

Since no one really reads this blog it's not that big of a deal that I don't update. This really isn't an update, anyway. I have plenty going on, many things to update about, but nothing I will mention here.