In the last week of September, I visited The Emma Goldman Clinic (which I would recommend to anyone close to Iowa City. It's a fabulous place!) to examine my birth control options. I've been in a relationship for over a year and all we've been using are condoms. That's a bit too risky for my taste. I found out that any of the IUD options are currently covered by a grant meaning they are FREE! for anyone who wants one, regardless of insurance. This was perfect for me because a) I don't have insurance and b) I'd been leaning toward an IUD anyway. I only had to pay for the required PAP smear and had the option of having my yearly exam. So we set up an appointment for October 15 and the countdown began.
Fast forward to Friday, October 15, 2010. I'd made up my mind and decided to go with Paragard, the copper, non-hormone IUD. I chose it because I didn't want to mess with hormones. I get crazy enough as it is when that "time of the month" (or time of the every 2-3 months, in my case. Lucky Bitch! I know...). I also chose it because I can leave it in for 10 years. That's right, if I don't want to have a baby until I'm 30, I'm all set! 2 pm rolled around and I was ecstatic. I got to the clinic at 2:15, filled out some forms, and was in the bathroom giving a urine sample for a pregnancy test before 2:30. These ladies are punctual!
So I wasn't pregnant which gave us the green light to go ahead. I got my first yearly exam (years after becoming 'sexually active'). The doctor, a heavier red head who had her hair shorter than mine is, began with a breast exam and talked to me about my various moles. She told me I should have them checked by a dermatologist whenever I am able but that was something I already knew. Then she went for the vagina. She used a small speculum which was very kind of her. The PAP smear wasn't terrible, just uncomfortable. The show was about to start. A combination of black cherry flavored jell and foam usually used to numb the inside of mouths at the dentist was employed to numb my ladybits for the impending torture it was to undergo. A cold washing of iodine and then we were all set.
First, she had to measure my uterus. Thankfully, my cervix wasn't a cunt and cooperated throughout the whole ordeal and allowed entry. Dilating hurt like nothing I'd felt before but lasted only seconds. The measuring tool then the placement tube sent aftershocks of the dilating pain but I was told to breathe through it. I came into it knowing it was going to hurt but this pain wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined it would be. She slipped the little guy in, positioned it, and then took a scissors to the strings. To be honest, the scissors had me much more nervous than any of the other things going on down there. But I escaped unscathed. Mostly.
As soon as the IUD was in, the cramps started. I was expecting that, too. I got dressed, gathered my things, and waited for the doctor to come back. She wished me luck , told me to call if I had any questions, and gave me a prescription for hydrocodone, then sent me out to pay a whopping $125 for the entire appointment. $125 for 10 years of birth control. Does anyone want to TRY and find me a better deal than that? Don't do it. You'll be wasting your time.
In the waiting room waiting for my bill to be figured out, the cramps got worse. Much, much worse. I wished I'd brought someone with me to drive me home. I paid, got my coat, and made my way out to the car, gritting my teeth. Think of the worst menstrual cramps you've had, then multiply them by ten. I was certain that it couldn't possibly get worse. I actually was vocalizing in the car during the drive home.
I called into work then spent the rest of the night in different variations of the fetal position. My favorite was when Shawn arrived. When he walked into my room, I was on my knees, curled into a ball with my face resting on my bed. I couldn't get up to hug him, it hurt so bad. We promptly went to Walgreens to fill my prescription then stopped at Arby's for dinner. They have chocolate turnovers again!
That night, even though I was heavily medicated, I spent most of it in and out of sleep, writhing in pain.
Every day since then, however, the cramps have gotten progressively better, save a few that are bad that occur usually when I do a major position change.
Despite all of the pain, it was worth it. I'm hoping I will continue being happy with my little copper T over the next ten years!
