Musing and Rambling

The Epic Saga Pt. 1

2011-03-28T11:57:00.000-05:00

Here is a chronological recounting of the events of the past however many months of shit upon utter shit that has been going on. Intermittently, I'll be adding my thoughts and feelings, both current and what they were when the whole shebang was happening because as time stretches on they morph into bitter, decrepit little creatures that scurry around my brain at night.
Are you ready? Here we go:

It was a lovely day, Thursday March 25th, 2010, to be exact, I was in downtown Iowa City with a couple friends perusing the art galleries. It was one of the first nice spring days, I barely needed the coat I was wearing. I had just finished staring at a particularly lovely piece, wishing I had $1000 dollars to drop on artwork, when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer, as usual. A message was left but I decided to check it once we were done in the gallery. Then I got a text from the same number that called; it was my brother, Jayson, whom I had only spoken three sentences, at most, to in the past five years. I called him back and he informed me that he'd be in town later that evening and wondered if I'd like to have dinner with him. I'd always yearned for an actual relationship with my brother, even though he was a stifling 20 years my senior, so I accepted. His only request was that I not tell mom and dad which I hadn't planned on anyway because I just had a feeling that it was something I didn't need to tell them. I was brought up on a strictly need-to-know diet of information within the family; not telling was basically in my genes.
I rushed home to straighten my apartment, get ready for the evening, and frantically call Shawn to speculate why this meeting was happening. I stayed on the phone with Shawn right up until I saw Jayson pull up outside my building. He came inside to see my place then we went for a short drive. I showed him the school I was attending, we chatted about my plans of what I was going to do after I was finished at this school, and we stopped at Petland to look at puppies. The whole endeavor was quite nonchalant and easy. We then headed over to Coralville to eat and chose Outback Steakhouse. Once we'd ordered, we got down to business. He wanted to know what I knew of the recent events that had been going on with my sister. It had been a long couple of months in regards to her shenanigans and so it took me a while to relay all the information that my mother had told me. Once I was finished, he began a long story that began with him going to college (which was a strange move back in time after just talking about my sister in the present and I was quite curious as to where the whole thing was going). This is the tale he told:

He was going off to college. Mom and dad had bought him a car, had it insured, and told him to not even worry about looking into aid for tuition; they had it under control. Being his parents and all, he went off to college worry-free (at least about the financial aspect of it). Second semester rolled around and he began receiving letters that his tuition had not been paid. He asked mom about it and she said she had paid it and that the school must have misplaced the check. Since his tuition wasn't paid and no one was owning up to the fact that it hadn't, he had to stop going. Understandably, he did not want to move back home so he started looking for a place to live. When attempting to rent an apartment, he found that his credit score was very bad. This didn't make sense to him since he didn't have credit to begin with; how could it get bad? Upon looking into it, he found that mom and dad had put utilities in his name and never paid for them. He also found out, around this time, that mom had taken a substantial amount of money from her parents, his grandparents, who had done a lot of his raising as a child. He worked for a year and paid off the debt from the utilities, his school debt, and the money back to his grandparents. He also got married during this time to a wonderful woman to whom he is still married today. Then he went back to college and paid for it. Himself.

I was frozen with terror when he finished. A few things bothered me about this story. The first being all of the times my mother had told people that my brother had gone to school on a full ride golf scholarship. When I brought that up to him, he shared that back when it was happening and up until about ten years ago, she would tell people that she was paying for his schooling. So my mother was lying. Big time. The next point was that the lead up to the bad things happening to my brother almost mirrored my situation: my rent, my tuition, my food, my car, my everything was being paid for by my parents. My head was swimming with fears about how much trouble I could be in at that very moment without even being aware of it.
As if that wasn't enough, he had more, lots more, to tell me before the night was finished.

But that story will be reserved for Pt. 2. Stay tuned.

this is not part of The Saga

2010-10-18T23:31:00.006-05:00

In the last week of September, I visited The Emma Goldman Clinic (which I would recommend to anyone close to Iowa City. It's a fabulous place!) to examine my birth control options. I've been in a relationship for over a year and all we've been using are condoms. That's a bit too risky for my taste. I found out that any of the IUD options are currently covered by a grant meaning they are FREE! for anyone who wants one, regardless of insurance. This was perfect for me because a) I don't have insurance and b) I'd been leaning toward an IUD anyway. I only had to pay for the required PAP smear and had the option of having my yearly exam. So we set up an appointment for October 15 and the countdown began.
Fast forward to Friday, October 15, 2010. I'd made up my mind and decided to go with Paragard, the copper, non-hormone IUD. I chose it because I didn't want to mess with hormones. I get crazy enough as it is when that "time of the month" (or time of the every 2-3 months, in my case. Lucky Bitch! I know...). I also chose it because I can leave it in for 10 years. That's right, if I don't want to have a baby until I'm 30, I'm all set! 2 pm rolled around and I was ecstatic. I got to the clinic at 2:15, filled out some forms, and was in the bathroom giving a urine sample for a pregnancy test before 2:30. These ladies are punctual!
So I wasn't pregnant which gave us the green light to go ahead. I got my first yearly exam (years after becoming 'sexually active'). The doctor, a heavier red head who had her hair shorter than mine is, began with a breast exam and talked to me about my various moles. She told me I should have them checked by a dermatologist whenever I am able but that was something I already knew. Then she went for the vagina. She used a small speculum which was very kind of her. The PAP smear wasn't terrible, just uncomfortable. The show was about to start. A combination of black cherry flavored jell and foam usually used to numb the inside of mouths at the dentist was employed to numb my ladybits for the impending torture it was to undergo. A cold washing of iodine and then we were all set.
First, she had to measure my uterus. Thankfully, my cervix wasn't a cunt and cooperated throughout the whole ordeal and allowed entry. Dilating hurt like nothing I'd felt before but lasted only seconds. The measuring tool then the placement tube sent aftershocks of the dilating pain but I was told to breathe through it. I came into it knowing it was going to hurt but this pain wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined it would be. She slipped the little guy in, positioned it, and then took a scissors to the strings. To be honest, the scissors had me much more nervous than any of the other things going on down there. But I escaped unscathed. Mostly.
As soon as the IUD was in, the cramps started. I was expecting that, too. I got dressed, gathered my things, and waited for the doctor to come back. She wished me luck , told me to call if I had any questions, and gave me a prescription for hydrocodone, then sent me out to pay a whopping $125 for the entire appointment. $125 for 10 years of birth control. Does anyone want to TRY and find me a better deal than that? Don't do it. You'll be wasting your time.
In the waiting room waiting for my bill to be figured out, the cramps got worse. Much, much worse. I wished I'd brought someone with me to drive me home. I paid, got my coat, and made my way out to the car, gritting my teeth. Think of the worst menstrual cramps you've had, then multiply them by ten. I was certain that it couldn't possibly get worse. I actually was vocalizing in the car during the drive home.
I called into work then spent the rest of the night in different variations of the fetal position. My favorite was when Shawn arrived. When he walked into my room, I was on my knees, curled into a ball with my face resting on my bed. I couldn't get up to hug him, it hurt so bad. We promptly went to Walgreens to fill my prescription then stopped at Arby's for dinner. They have chocolate turnovers again!
That night, even though I was heavily medicated, I spent most of it in and out of sleep, writhing in pain.
Every day since then, however, the cramps have gotten progressively better, save a few that are bad that occur usually when I do a major position change.
Despite all of the pain, it was worth it. I'm hoping I will continue being happy with my little copper T over the next ten years!

The Saga Begins

2010-08-05T22:19:00.003-05:00

I'm going to attempt to recount everything that has happened in the past eight months of my life. Soon, the whole tangled mess will be injected into the internet forever. But since it feels like its all at it's pinnacle, I'm not going to start yet.

But stay tuned.

Terrifying.

2010-03-28T19:58:00.001-05:00

this says it all.

A List

2010-01-06T00:25:00.001-06:00

- Winter break started the 18th.
- I was home from the 18th till the 30th with lots of activities and such (hence the lack of updates)
-Since the 30th, Shawn has been here (hence the lack of updates)
-He'll be here till the 10th
-I'm having a great time
-4.0 first semester of college. Neat.

That is all.

For now.

Hunker Down, It's Going to be a Long Winter

2009-12-13T11:55:00.002-06:00

Or, at least, a long winter week of my first finals in college. It's not that I'm worried about finals. I'm just overly ready for my break to start. I'm going on vacation with my family and Shawn (though he could be considered family at this point). I'll be home for a day short of two weeks then back here to the apartment for a week and a half with Shawn. By Friday, I will not have seen him for three weeks. It's the longest we've ever gone and I am more than ready for it to be over.
Much to my surprise, the holidays aren't bringing me down like they usually do. I've been feeling it when I'm out and about and the christmas music isn't irritating me or making me sad. I noticed it when I watched the snow fall last week and wasn't pissed off about it. I don't remember the last holiday season where I wasn't just absolutely dreadful: my mental state, my attitude. It feels like christmas: the wonder, the love, all those nice feelings from when I was very, very young. I'm even excited for christmas morning.
But that's all I have time to go into. My composition class's final is a simple three page paper that I just have to turn in during the allotted 2 hour final exam time. I haven't even started it, naturally. So I have to whip that up today and start on my winter presents for everyone. But I feel much more ambitious than I have the past couple of days so hopefully all will get accomplished that needs to be.

SNOOOOOW

2009-12-10T14:08:00.002-06:00

We here in Iowa got a pretty hefty snow storm on Tuesday and Wednesday which has cancelled the past three days of school. My week prior to finals consisted of one day of classes. It was glorious.
I'll tell you what's not glorious though: The roads. They are hindering my ability to travel to see Shawn. This does not make me happy one bit.
I should probably start making this blog a little more interesting but right now I have a pretty bad headache from being on the computer pretty much non stop for 36 hours.

I'll think of something later.

Back by Popular Demand

2009-11-18T11:17:00.002-06:00

College. Or school of any sort causes my posts to slow to an unacceptable pace. (though this is not always the case. Look at how many posts I have from the summer...) I just dont have a whole lot to say these days. I wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and go to bed. Weekends are reserved for seeing my family and my boyfriend and daydreaming about having the time to paint. I've been living on twenty dollars for two weeks. This. Is. The. Life.

Religion makes me sick. Politics make me sick. Propaganda makes me sick. No one is better than anyone else. Please stop killing everyone just because they believe something different than you do. Just a thought.

School, though it is difficult, is not kicking my ass. My lowest grade is a very high B+ that will be an A fairly soon (hopefully). I think I'm doing just fine. I might take a couple more credit hours next semester but we'll see. Art class? Yes, please.

As for anything else, not a whole lot is happening. I miss a bunch of people: Keri, Hannah, Aly, Shawn (always), Becky, Mr. Purvis, Mr. Roberson... I haven't made any friends, really. There are a couple of people I talk to in Art History, Comp, and French but no one that I'd go out and do anything with. My roommate is awesome but I just miss my friends from school and seeing them every day. I cant say I miss the all day, every day classes but the people, I miss the people.

I want a tattoo. And I will if I ever have enough money to get one. The word "catharsis" on my thigh. A branch growing out from in between my ribs with a ribbon caught on it with the words "I am not a bird, I am not a plane". A tiny purple rose somewhere.

Keri, is this a good enough update? It's very scattered but I'm doing it during my break at school and I dont have time to draft this shit out. It better be.

On a side note: There are people talking about their preferences of sizes of penises to my left. One girl is talking about how huge penises suck, harder to do some positions with. I have to agree with her. I dont want a huge thing tearing me apart every time, thanks. There is also a boy sitting across from me eating Burt's Bees Chapstick. Oh, college...

A New Life

2009-10-05T21:09:00.002-05:00

Nearly two months have passed since I've moved into the apartment. I have yet to meet anyone outside of my roommate. I am overloaded with homework, haven't painted since I've been here, and am getting quite tired of cooking. I am very lonely here and very stressed out. I hope it gets better, soon.

A Full Week After My Horridly Late Post

2009-09-09T11:08:00.002-05:00

This college thing is time consuming and exhausting.

So I made it to his city, picked him up, and parked my car. Everything was perfect. It felt like it had been ages and at the same time like no time and passed at all. I was relieved and I was euphoric. Everyone could tell because I was loud and uninhibited.
The campus was beautiful, the boys were nice, I was a novelty so I got admiration-laced attention. The bed was uncomfortable but not so much that it was impossible to get sleep on.
On Saturday I felt like death but he assured me that I wasnt a burden and I was content not doing anything but being there with him. I felt like I was home and it was perfect.

Details are intimate and intimacy is private. All I'll share has been stated and that is all that is needed.

I cant wait to go again.

Travels part I

2009-09-02T13:32:00.002-05:00

So here it is, Wednesday of the week following a long awaited trip that was such a delight, and I've yet to blog about it. What a wretched girl I am.
Last Thursday I made a long trek across the state (not all the way, but it was far enough) to visit Shawn. It was pouring the whole two hours I was on interstate but stopped soon before I got to the destination city. I'd copied down directions from Mapquest onto a sticky note that was affixed to my steering wheel but upon arriving to the last place that I knew how to get to, I realized that all of my directions from there on out were void of directions. North, south, left, right. So I meandered about town for a half an hour watching for the building and/or Shawn, whichever came first. But I found it and I don't know if I've ever been happier to arrive anywhere in my whole life. It'd felt like forever since I'd seen him and I don't think I stopped smiling for hours.

But now, class draws near, the horrid, dreaded algebra class that is so ridiculously boring that I think I may actually die and I need to leave. More later, I promise.

Claaaaasssessss

2009-08-25T12:28:00.002-05:00

I thought now would be the time to update; I have a paper to write and I could be starting on my algebra. Procrastination is what I do best.
On Mondays and Wednesdays I have:
Art History I- my professor is fantastic, animated, and beautiful. She also gets major points for spending her summers abroad and not wearing a bra on the first day of class. Oh, and her accent is very pleasing to listen to at 10 a.m.
Composition I- my teacher is a short, middle aged, pessimist who likes to swear a lot. He took us on a tour to kill time and told us that he only has one picture of him as a child. Though I'm not huge on writing papers, he's enthusiastic (though not in an irritatingly cheery way) and I enjoyed my first two hours.
Intermediate Algebra- I wish I had tried on my ACTs. This class is essentially Algebra II which I took my sophomore year in high school. This should be an easy A and we all know that I love easy A's. My teacher is as old, if not older, than my father and reminds me of what he'd be like if he had a Ph.D. in Mathematics. The class was boring because I knew the material, it was arctic, and I hadn't eaten in quite some time. I was ready to go home but it wasn't horrible.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Elementary French I. I have never taken a foreign language course so it is daunting by my professor is a lively middle aged woman who dresses well and sings quite a bit. I was very sick this morning but I forgot about it in her classroom; it was a welcome relief.
I will be completely fine this semester (I hope). I love my professors and people really don't seem to notice me much. I just need to remember to wear warm clothing.

A Grown-Up

2009-08-21T21:22:00.003-05:00

I've always felt as though I was already an adult. I've always been far too young and not nearly far enough into life to get what I wanted, to live how my mind functioned. In body I was a child, in mind, I was much older.
In recent years I've had a recurring feeling of wanting to be secure in my life, in a financially secure place, to be happy, to have a family. It doesn't happen often and it doesn't last long. That is, not until recently. In the past year, I've had an odd urge to settle down, though I could never do so as young as I am.
In spite of not having the means to do so, I crave it. How strange for me to crave such a thing... I've always put on the air that it is certainly not for me while in reality, it is something I'd like very much.
A wonderful old house, made of brick, inside decorated with brights colors in a multitude of patterns and textures. Big soft beds and a full fridge in a kitchen that I actually use. Living with someone I love, creating artworks that people actually want to buy by day and love by night. Never a marriage, it's not something I believe in, but a ceremony of love in the backyard full of bright flowers and rich green grass. Then, after a few years of life and love, a little family. A beautiful little child with wispy blonde hair, huge, curious eyes, and flushed cheeks.
Though it sounds like a fairy tale, I believe it can happen. Nothing is perfect all of the time, but most of the time is enough for me.

I'm feeling better today

2009-08-20T13:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I got most all of the unpacking done, ate at semi-regular times, showered, got my dishwasher fixed, and went to WalMart. Later in the evening, Aly stopped by to see the apartment and get my out of my little hole for a bit. I came home and talked to Shawn on Facebook for far too long but went to bed content. Today has went well so far, no sadness or hopelessness today. And being alone isn't bothering me too much. I'd still like to have Shawn around. But I know it's going to be ok.

The Move

2009-08-19T10:40:00.002-05:00

I hate it here. I am so lonely. That first night was perfect, it felt like that was how it was supposed to be but when he left the next morning, everything just fell apart.
Last night, I couldn't bring myself to sleep in an empty bed so I parked myself on the couch with the television on so it wouldn't be so quiet. Someone told me to sleep and I would feel better in the morning. Today, I just feel worse.
My shower doesn't drain, the showerhead sucks, my ice maker doesn't work, and the dishwasher doesn't drain. The people upstairs seem to Riverdance from 8-11 p.m. and enjoy hanging things on the walls at ten. My walls are completely white and I don't have the money to put anything on them. School starts on Monday which means I will have to meet people and actually go places. Perhaps that will make this situation better.
I wish I knew someone close enough to keep me company. I wish he wasn't going to school two hours away. I wish we were closer. I wish I had more money. I wish I knew how my mom figures she's going to pay for all of these things she wants to pay for. I'm so worried about everything.

I truly hate it here right now.

The Beginning

2009-08-13T17:29:00.002-05:00

I move on Monday. I move into an apartment, away from my family, for the first time in my life. It's a day I've been waiting for for years but I'm really scared because it's something I've never done before.
I've been busy packing and cleaning and shopping and setting up my school situation and seeing everyone once more before I go so my blog has suffered. My blog has suffered all summer due to a large increase in having things to do. I love that I've been social for the first summer of my life.
I'm scared of what comes next even more than I typically would have been because of the near perfect state my life is right now. I don't want this to end.

Maybe this isn't the end. Maybe this is only the beginning.

Scars

2009-07-22T14:42:00.002-05:00

I have many multicolored adornments I wear with a certain amount of pride and ownership on my body. These blemishes remind me where I've been, what I've done, and how miserably I failed at doing it.
Take, for instance, the purple splotches on the backs of my heels. These have formed from wearing size 3 in children's white patten leather flats. I have walked miles in them while the backs spent hours biting blisters into my skin.
Or maybe the spotty pattern on my right knee that seemingly appeared out of nowhere following a surprise romp in my car at nine A.M. It scabbed and flaked and got infected. Now, over a month later, it is a violet-brown around shiny white scar tissue.
Move up my legs and find tan lines along the outside of my thigh. These are emotional. The long one running horizontal is the worst scar I have, to no surprise, it is my favorite.
Scars, too many to recall, all telling a story, painting a picture on my ivory skin. Fingers run over them and beg for the tale of how it got there, beg for more to be revealed.

Post 300. Cool, huh?

2009-07-21T22:39:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I'm breaking down. Everything's terrifying. The future, the present, the past. I'm feeling residual feelings while being aware of my feelings at the moment. I am overwhelmed.

I'm going to college in less than a month.
I am partaking in a terrifyingly intimate relationship.
I was so in love with her.
I was so in love with a different her.
One her is still in love with me.
I may not get the future that I crave.
I may not be good enough to get it.
It may be all my fault.

I am happy and I am sad and I am terrified. But everything, everything is ok.

2009-07-16T19:34:00.001-05:00

I love coming home, his scent lingering on my skin after a day planted securely by his side. I love holding his hand in the car.

I love this feeling...

2009-07-15T14:50:00.001-05:00

I feel bare, I feel exposed. I feel out of my comfort zone and I am comfortable.

Things don't happen when you are ready for them. Never.

Some Considerations.

2009-07-13T23:16:00.002-05:00

I am trying to keep control of myself because:

a. Distance is not something I am particularly fond of
b. The fear I have of being hurt, again, is nearly overwhelming

I've found myself, today, debating upon whether or not to just get out while things are light. But they aren't as light as they may seem. There is history, though it may not be the same history as what we're making now, so that needs to be taken into account. Also, I'd never do that. No matter how scared I was. I'd never run away just because I was scared because I care too much, I'm in too far, I've been around too long.

Please, do not tire of me. I don't know if I could stand it.

Lack of Attention

2009-07-03T17:21:00.002-05:00

Since no one really reads this blog it's not that big of a deal that I don't update. This really isn't an update, anyway. I have plenty going on, many things to update about, but nothing I will mention here.

The Living

2009-06-14T12:33:00.003-05:00

After my sister's recital last night, I ran into my friend whom I was also there to watch. She enveloped me in a hug and with a shocked expression on her face told me how well I looked. I congratulated her on her wonderful performances (they really were great) and then she was off to find her family that I had seen waiting for her. Her words still ring in my ears: "You look so good!" and I realize that it's because I'm alive. I'm fully and utterly alive. My life is radiating from me, this blood that's changed forever. I feel like everyone can see it, this change, but I know they can't. I know it's just in my head. This visible well-being is from the activity I've been doing, new color staining my cheeks.
But maybe, perhaps, it was because I was a fire when I saw her, a glimpse of this I've partaken in fueling my fast heartbeat and fluttering limbs. I was moving through the crowd looking for my mom and sister, watching him move through the mass just out of my sight.

No idea what I'm doing, but I feel it in my bones and in my blood and I feel alive as a person can be.

Restless, Reckless

2009-06-13T20:56:00.001-05:00

I feel like a caged animal. I don't know how long I can take this. I need to get out. I need to go do this thing I am driven to do. I need to do it for a long time and never stop till I pass out and die. Then when I regain consciousness and life, I'll do it some more and maybe, just maybe, then I will be satisfied. But probably not.

Shiiiiiit.

I need to go to bed. Glad I stayed up for that one, though.

2009-05-31T00:53:00.003-05:00

Have I ever mentioned that I love late night phone calls, especially ones that are made for no reason what so ever?

No?

I didn't think so. But now, internet, you know.

why does my face keep catching on fire?

2009-05-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

this blood hasn't pooled beneath the skin of my cheeks in ages.

What is going on here?

2009-05-24T22:38:00.004-05:00

So maybe I wasn't invincible. Maybe I could be touched. Maybe I didn't have my feelings under control. Maybe I'm not who I think I am. But I swear, for that moment when my face brushed the smooth skin of his shoulder, him standing shirtless with his arms around me trying to keep me warm, the universe suddenly shifted and this thing didn't seem so far out of reach. Like maybe I could be a different me and maybe that would be ok. (because in that moment, it felt right. It felt like something I could do. It felt like it'd never felt before)
But maybe I'm just idealizing it. Maybe. And that last part? I dont think it was my fault. If put in that situation, I would have done the same thing. But maybe, just maybe, things will play out. This is a hushed matter, though. Not something I'd like to share. Not something I am confident I understand well enough to share. It's like an out of body experience. I was a different person, in a different life. Everything was different but it didn't feel wrong, which is what I expected.

And no, sir, you did not smell bad. You smelled wonderful, in fact.

I graduate in fourteen-ish hours.

2009-05-24T00:07:00.002-05:00

In that room containing close to two thousand people, I still don't expect to be able to breathe tomorrow.

Though it may be my own fault, it's getting worse, not better. It's gaining strength, not weakening.

I don't know what to do and I know there isn't much else I can do that I haven't done already.

The End is In Sight

2009-05-17T17:23:00.001-05:00

Two days left. That's it. In the past week things have gotten much better and now, I don't know if I'm so ready. No, wait, I am. It was just nice what was happening and I don't want it to stop.

Dick in a Box

2009-05-12T21:08:00.005-05:00

I need to GTFO.

2009-05-06T16:08:00.001-05:00

This place is driving me crazy.

Lately

2009-05-04T21:51:00.003-05:00

School, homework, I'm sick, being a senior is BUSY, I have about a billion projects and big assignments going on here, show choir?, and I have been flirting SHAMELESSLY with a boy. A young boy. Whom I find very, very attractive. Which may strike you as odd considering what's known on the streets about me. Let's just call this an identity crisis and be done with it. We'll see where I go.

In the meantime, I have two weeks of school left. Two weeks to finish 8 classes, 7 of which have HUGE projects/assignments due in them. Not forgetting the finals. I have graduation to prepare for and I havent drawn a thing for myself in AGES. I forget what sleep is.

Wish me luck. I'm really have a good time (that's a true statement).

Relief

2009-04-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

I ordered a decorative corset for prom in January. It arrived today after a very long time of worrying and delays and just ridiculous circumstances. I didnt think it'd ever get here. But it's here now and it was completely and utterly worth it.

I am content.

My first scientific hypothesis

2009-03-23T18:47:00.002-05:00

So somewhere along the line of growing up I read or heard somewhere that each eye sees more of red or blue, respectively. This is not something that is very noticeable and it's supposed to be more noticeable in men, women rarely observe it. But scowering the internet, I have yet to find any scientific information on it which is sad because it sort of has a lot to do with my hypothesis, but:
If this is true, well, here is my hypothesis- I notice the little difference in each eye. My left is more red and the right is more blue. If this is supposed to be more prominent in men, perhaps I have more 'male' based genes hence why I have a preference in women.

Maybe?

Just An Update

2009-03-10T16:44:00.001-05:00

Nothing to blog about, not that it gets read.
Just letting anyone know that I'm still alive, even if it's just barely.

I am floored.

2009-02-23T17:54:00.001-06:00

As if she needed to look any better. As if I could take her looking any more beautiful. But braces dont stay forever. It's just...

my heart is aching and I cant sleep anymore.

OH THE HORROR

2009-02-14T13:35:00.001-06:00

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Excuse me while I make completely appropriate vomiting noises and probably produce some bile. I might scream a little, too.

What did you expect?

2009-02-03T17:42:00.001-06:00

If falling out of the habit due to a particularly hectic week didn't do it, being swept away by a sea of depression and anxiety definitely did.

No more pictures once a day. It seemed a waste.

Once Every

2009-01-18T14:18:00.003-06:00

Saturday, January 17, 2009:

Though I would like to have a nice sized print, a small portable Audrey Kawasaki painting will do.

Friday, January 16, 2009:

I am uncharacteristically eager to see what Jon and Kate's eight children will look like when they are older.

Thursday, January 15, 2009:

The second snow day in a row and Jacquolynne is thrilled.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009:

It started as a black dot and turned into a snail named Neville with a gotee and chest hair.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009:

Even my cats feel at ease in her presence.

Monday, January 12, 2009:

I love my cats, I just dont love the things their dander does to my eyes.

Sunday, January 11, 2009:

There is nothing in the world like being able to wear children's clothes when you are an adult.

Saturday, January 10, 2009:

I lie sometimes, like when I say that this picture was take Saturday.

Friday, January 9, 2009:

Beds are a very versatile furniture item; they serve as a place to lounge, eat, be sick, rehabilitate, work, fuck, create, die, and sleep.

Five Days

2009-01-08T20:04:00.003-06:00

Sunday, January 4, 2009:

Heart attacks brought on by leaping out and shouting unexpectedly are my specialty.

Monday, January 5, 2009:

I've found that animals seem to take on the traits associated with their owners; like looking really ridiculous upside down.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009:

Upon opening my fortune cookie, the only thought I had was "Oh really?!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009:

My pinky hurts from being so fancy.

Thursday, January 8, 2009:

One of the best gifts I've ever gotten was a fancy x-ray from the lost and found.

Two Days

2009-01-03T13:37:00.003-06:00

Friday, January 2, 2009:

Most people take 'mental health' days spent doing nothing but those days tend to have the opposite effect on me.

Saturday, January 3, 2009:

For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been in a near constant state of panic since December 29.

One photo, one sentence, once a day, every day.

2009-01-01T00:54:00.004-06:00

Hopefully this will suffice as a sort of therapy as my mental state continues to plummet. Though the postings will not be daily, every day will be accounted for.

We will start the year off now:

I wish I had spend this New Year the way I spend it last New Year.

I cant breathe anymore.

2008-12-19T16:30:00.002-06:00

Dearest,

There are things I havent been telling you. These things have been weighing on me and adding to the pressure of everything that keeps piling up because, honestly, I cant bring myself to do anything these days. I'm worried and sullen and plain scared. I'm petrified as the piece of tree that rests on your mantel over your fake fireplace in your living room. The same fireplace that has provided us warmth whilst watching countless movies during those cold months and the same fireplace that watched us scurrying around during those warm ones, often without much on. Why I have spent so many words describing what the fireplace has seen is beyond me.
I'm home with nothing but the hum of this computer that keeps me going and the varied banging from the children downstairs. They claim to be cleaning the basement but I'm nearly convinced that they are only trying to get into the bedroom where all the Christmas presents lie. Why is that relevent? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps I fill my paragraphs with things not pertaining to the topic to distract you from what I'm really trying to say.
I find little comfort in the fact that you dont come here to read what I have to say anymore. I'm writing you this knowing that you wont read it. I dont want you to read it. But I want you to know what it is I'm writing. Yet I knot that if you did know it, I could ruin anything we have right now. Oh, if you could know the nights I've been up crying about this, how many times I've been screaming driving down the road, or the number of panic attacks I've been plagued with knowing that this is inside of me and I can do nothing about it. I'll continue to be as vague as I can about it, until I have nothing else to fill the time, and then reveal it.
While I am writing this, I have done everything I can down stairs, I've checked the competence of various data cds, I've changed clothes, taken bathroom breaks, and texted you. I keep avoiding this because it's huge, because I'm scared, because there is nothing else and if I get rid of this, I could have nothing left.
Enough of this nonsense, now, I ramble far too often. I've come to the conclusion that the feelings I have been experiencing are not going to leave easily, if at all, and this is why I have to tell you of them. They involve you so greatly that leaving you out would be ridiculous...

Almost as ridiculous as writing this on the internet, for everyone to see. Especially since it's such a private matter. As is why I am discontinuing this post.

Just to let you know

2008-12-13T14:59:00.003-06:00

before i let people care too much for
the way my breath catches when i sigh--

like something worth falling in love with.

(you are beautiful enough to cause a seizure
in any epileptic.)

and because i miss you, okay

you would have laughed.
and i like it when you smile.

in five years, i want to be on a plane
and i want the plane to crash into the
ocean and i want everyone to be okay
except me.

in five years i want out of this bed.
in five years i want to be crowned
queen of lowercase letters. in five
years i want you to say, "you are
the best thing that has happened
to me," and mean it. but wishes don't work like that.

it is one o' clock in the morning i have no
one here to tell me to keep both hands
on the wheel, to stop fiddling with the
radio, to not drive in lonely lanes of
oncoming traffic. i only have wet roads
and trees, because i'm pretty sure the
only way to feel alive is to practice dying
until you get it right.

it is my birthday, and all i really want
is a full-fledged zombie apocalypse.

it is my birthday and i want someone
to fucking hold me and tell me they
love me and and that i will be okay.
i want someone to rub my back and
kiss my neck and tell me that eighteen
has never looked so beautiful.

i try not to make mistakes, anymore, which
means these days i watch tv and think about
hurting myself without actually being able to

i used to cut myself in perfectly straight lines. i
made cookies just to eat the dough. pain still
makes me calm in ways that writing songs and
organized sports never could.

thought
about how good it feels
to know that i will always
be able to hurt myself more
than you can ever hurt me.

-wonderful words I've collected and didnt compose but she did. Give her a look, her writings are wonderous: Estallidos
------------------------------------------------

I used to know how to form words into the exact right sentences to make every single person feel better.
Now I only know what to say to ruin the moment.

-The sad truth, written with my hands.

We are living in a material world

2008-12-06T00:01:00.000-06:00

and I am a material girl:

-An Audrey Kawasaki original painting
-a tokidoki bag
-a Cat-Rabbit owl
-120 GB iPod Classic
-a shopping spree for new clothes like crazy

Things I Wrote Today

2008-11-10T19:11:00.003-06:00

I sit, reading in my car, waiting for my sister to get out of school. The snow was raining down on the early November, making everything outside soggy and cold. These days, even simple scenes like this seem to content me and I haven't the faintest clue why. When she's taken too long to get to my car, I get out to go see where she could be. I am knocked over by the sudden rush of sound that greets me as I open my door. So much water falling from the sky, the variance of frozen and not, creating different pitches as it hits the ground. I can hear every car passing within blocks of where I stand. Dozens of children scream and play coming out of the school. Every sound joining together into one burst of an instant when my door opens. It's so beautiful and so frightening that it lingers in my consciousness through the weekend and the next week. All of that sound, rushing at me all at once, threatening to take me down and all I can think of is when on earth my phone will alert me of my newest message. The sound never does eat me and it's hours till my phone makes any sound.

These days, I wear exhaustion as my cosmetics, purples and blues under my eyes and white flakes of skin on my lips. Exhaustion and dehydration wearing down my body. And somehow it's everything I need. Those bags under my eyes, my cracked and bleeding lips, nails broken and my body aches. It all makes the only sense I have. It all makes getting up in the morning that much harder but it's still all I have. This aching in my chest, the creaking of my ribcage and every one of my bones, for that matter. Every day that passes it's all there, yet somehow, ironically, I am perhaps the most calm, most content, least stressed out that I have ever been. I cant have a care and any feeling is fleeting. The tree is up and the sun sinks down and I have nothing to look forward to in the immidiate future. And for once in my life, that is alright.

I checked out a book today on pure impulse, even though I have two that I'm already trying to finish. Mrs. Logrine mistook me for Kayla Green and wears entirely too much rouge. It was two minutes till I could go to art class and another 42 till I could go home, with my best friend, and waste an open hour.

We Love Sleeping Here

2008-10-16T07:25:00.001-05:00

I encounter small victories when I wake up during the night to find that it isn't anywhere near the time I have to get up. I find a strange comfort in knowing that I can fall back asleep for hours, yet.

A Declaration.

2008-09-16T17:36:00.002-05:00

Today is the last day that I will hurt because of her.
Today is the final day of my horrid habit.
Today I realize that I cannot fall so utterly in love with anyone the way I have for more than one person in the past due to the fact that I cannot trust them to not break me to pieces. Whatever their intentions, it is bound to happen.
Today I take my life back.
Today, today is a day that could go down in history. Everything before is a fond or not so fond memory. Everything after is for me. For no one else but myself.

I promise to work as hard as I can towards this. I have to.

Siiiick

2008-09-13T18:59:00.002-05:00

I made it nearly a month through a particularly germ-filled year (Everyone at school is sick and has been since day one) without getting sick. But Thursday afternoon I began to show signs of catching something and by the time I woke up Friday, I was sufficiently sick. I am utterly surprised, however, that I lasted this long.
Things around here havent been getting better, not quickly, not efficiently. I take a step forward and then something happens where I'm sent three steps back. It's very inconvenient and very tiring. Not to mention the fact that I am attempting to maintain our friendship in the process. That makes everything that much harder.
I absolutely adore our new art teacher. Enough said.
I may be developing a weird sort of something. We'll see where that leads. This is very confusing to me and to anything I've known about myself. It just adds to the confusion and everything going on right now.
I'm just about done with anything relationship based simply because these girls are driving me crazy. I need to find a fairly stable, good-looking, short-ish lesbian who likes me, is mature, intelligent, and isn't a cunt.

Pfft, wish me luck.

Nothing Important

2008-09-01T12:52:00.002-05:00

Spent the weekend in Minnesota visiting MOA and the zoo. I think I havent been that tired in a long while.
My birthday is next Sunday. I currently do not have a vehicle.
I had meltdown after meltdown last week. I dont know if this one will be any better but I'm hoping so. I have too much artwork to complete.

I want a suicide girls subscription for my birthday. I'd also like some fun fabric, furry probably, and felt, to make things with. I'd go for an anteater, too.
Ah yes, and I wouldnt mind getting laid.

An update of sorts

2008-08-25T14:25:00.001-05:00

I dont know why I still have a blog.

I start school on Wednesday... maybe that will give me something to talk about.
I am terrified.

I love Candy at Wal-Mart

2008-08-02T21:09:00.003-05:00

Today I went into town with my father to get the materials I need for my most recent project. We also needed to go get cat food as my cat children were constantly harassing me that we were "ALMOST OUT!!!". We enter the WalMart and go to the pet goods and I grab the cat food I always get for them. Walking back up to the cash registers, my father kept complaining about how I didnt get the 'kitnkaboodle' cat food that was four dollars less. I kept insisting that this twenty pound bag of food that my cat children ALWAYS EAT will be just fine.
We go to the cash register and get checked out by a very very nice looking african-american girl named Candy. She was very pregnant and very nice. She was just very. She rand up the Q-Tips my father needed then tried to ring up the cat food. We flipped the bag over to find the bar code and then she uses her hand ringer-uper to scan it. The only problem is: it doesnt ring up. She tries for something like two and a half minutes to ring it up before resorting to just typing in the numbers in the bar code manually. When this just brings up an error about a non-existant code number she sighs in an annoyed tone. All the while, my father has been repeating "It must be free! It must be free!" with every failed attempt to purchase it.
Candy, rather exacerbated, replies "It must be free! My feet hurt and I'm not even supposed to be working the register today. It's free."
She then reassures my father that contrary to his beliefs she will keep her job and that no one will know and if anyone does, she really doesnt care.
Walking away, a rather happy couple of shoppers, my father and I turn to bid her farewell, my father saying, "Take care of that baby! When are you due?!?" September was her answer and so my dad insists that she has it on the seventh. She then says "I'll try to squeeze it out then" with that pretty smile of hers.

Obama

2008-07-21T10:29:00.002-05:00

My reasons to vote for him started out as any regular person's reasons like agreeing with the way he views things. But this morning I have decided that I am voting for Obama for mostly one reason.

And that is?

This morning when my MSN homepage popped up I saw a picture out of the corner of my eye that made me have to actually look at it. Why you ask? Well, I swore that the picture was of Jay-Z aka my favorite rapper, in the entire world. Upon further examination, I found the picture was one of Barack Obama. Apparently he is nearly synonymous with Jay-Z and that my friends is why he has my vote this November.

A New Site Launching

2008-07-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

I have just launched a new blog that advertises, in a sense, my artistic works I have done in the past couple years. Feel free to visit and comment at: http://ashleesthings.blogspot.com

Aly comes home tomorrow!

I've been very interesting

2008-07-13T14:10:00.003-05:00

One more week till she comes back. Wow, I've had an interesting time here alone.
I've managed to lose five pounds, not on purpose mind you. I dont HAVE five pounds to lose. It's been that sort of week.

But I'm oh kay now. I'll be better next Monday. This week I'm painting in W.U. (people will know where that is) and so it wont be so bad because I'll have something to do.

Seven more days. That's my countdown.

What I've been up to

2008-06-10T19:34:00.002-05:00

Summer has been around for almost two weeks and I've accomplished more than I have in the past two summers combined. I'm working for my choir teacher; she's asked me to paint her basement. I'm also making things in my free time for birthdays. It's really nice.
ACTs are on Saturday. Friday is the 13th. The first doesn't excite me much though the second does.
I'm off to study now.

It's been a very gay day.

2008-05-15T20:27:00.002-05:00

Upon arriving home from school today I logged onto my lovely computer and saw on the MSN homepage that the gay marriage ban in California has been overturned . This launched me into a very good mood, which was refreshing following my fairly decent day.
We had nice rehearsals (finally!) during both of the choirs I'm in today. It's a good thing because we have a concert a week from today. Then during third hour we went to the art teacher's (Kyle Hach) house to do a pit firing for our wheel thrown pots in his back yard. Coincidentally a certain girl whom I may or may not have a crush on lives immediately adjacent to his house. I felt like a super creep because of events that have taken place in the past week that makes being around her even more awkward than before. This brings me to second hour English class when we went out to the business class's sale of baked goods and other edible things. I was just standing there, minding my own business seeing that Rachel, probably the only one out there that would serve as any company what so ever was standing with Kayla (aforementioned girl of awkward relations). But when Rachel saw me, I watched in horror as she told Kayla that she was going to go stand with me. She came and Kayla followed and we stood there, Rachel and I conversing. After about seven or so minutes of just severe discomfort Rachel starts laughing as she realized what situation she'd just put the two of us in.
Also, it has been noted that Kayla has been looking in my general direction and happens to be near me during physical education a considerable amount.
BUT THEN: I go to Angelique's blog because I haven't been reading it lately due to my full schedule and found some puzzling things about it. After searching for a ridiculous twenty minutes I came upon this post which explained it all. It was a very welcome discovery.
In the closing of my very gay day, I conversed with Aly about the happenings of the day, which she responded to in the normal fashion of the moment. We're both very disgustingly in love these days and lustiness has reentered our relationship. Over 7 months, guys, aren't you proud?

Now hopefully my gay day will carry over into the night as I go to bed. I'm hoping for some hot lesbian sex dreams, though I don't hold much hope as I have a considerably small amount of them. Oh well, all I can do is just have hot lesbian sex instead.

That's enough.

Village Inn is too much fun

2008-04-21T18:52:00.002-05:00

On Friday Aly and I went into town and went shopping for some khakis for her. It wasn't a particularly eventful trip but we had fun. It was raining and beautiful. We met some lovely cats at Petsmart. And found some lovely books in Barnes & Nobel. Then we went to eat at Village Inn.
That's where the real fun started.
We were walking in and I got this out of my mouth: "It would be crazy if we walked in and Grand..." and I see my grandma standing there. They go to Village Inn a lot and I was just saying that it would be crazy if we saw them and then they are there. I screeched with excitement and all the old people's ears perked up at the loud noise as I greeted my grandma.
Apparently that is not the thing to happen if I want to be eating at Village Inn. The rest of the dinner I spent choking on my chocolate chip pancakes from laughter.

The next day Aly came to spend the night and we had a lovely time just being. The next morning was gorgeous as we lay in bed till she had to go home. The rest of the day was spent enjoying the finally springtime. I walked my dog almost three miles just to walk past the art teacher's house. (the one Aly and I get a kick out of stalking)

Today has been almost as beautiful out. After school we went to get ice cream and went to the park. We were just enjoying the atmosphere. I love it when the weather finally gets warm.

Prom

2008-04-13T17:17:00.002-05:00

Shit, I'm tired.

It was wonderful. The decorations were stunning. We ate and were merry.
At Grand March of course someone was behind me that kept my gaze facing forward so I wouldn't stare. Aly looked beautiful.
I hated being gay at prom. It made everything feel very awkward. This may be why I had the dream I had. The one I cant get out of my head. The one where the girl whom I mention quite frequently told me that I was the absolute most disgusting person on the earth for being gay and liking her.
We came home at one thirty, ate and began watching Walk Hard. We've seen it once in theatre. We saw maybe fifteen minutes last night before we were sleeping. Then again this morning when we woke for the first time, we saw about fifteen minutes before we had gone back to sleep. But it was wonderful to just sleep like we were, tangled in eachother's limbs.

Welcome to the Jungle

2008-04-09T18:41:00.002-05:00

So what's been going on:

Solo and Ensemble contest was two Saturdays ago. My ensemble received a II. But only because we were fortunate enough to get the hardest judge there. The others would have given us a I. Yes, we rocked that hard.

This Saturday is prom. This is where I get my title from because that's the theme. I've just spent the past month and a half constructing various animals to put in this jungle. All pastel colors. It's that sort of jungle. Needless to say, I'm stoked. Right as I type this, I'm in the process of trying out the hair, makeup, the whole shebang. Just to make sure I'm Saturday-ready. I look kickass right now.

Once all the prom crap's done, hopefully I'll start cleaning the lady's house who lives down the street. Yes, I will be employed.

Other than that, I think not a whole lot has been going on. I got in the National Honor Society. Yes, I know. Anyway...

I'll write again in a couple days, probably. Unless something amazing happens before prom.

It's been an odd day...

2008-04-07T16:50:00.002-05:00

it seemed that it was doomed from the start.
At about four a.m. I woke up staring at a part of my ceiling I've never stared at before. My body was parallel to my pillows. I had somehow twisted around a full ninety degrees in my sleep. Prior to and following I had the most horrid time sleeping I'd had in ages.
Aly and I had a sort of mishap which launched me into a horrid mood until after fifth hour.
Government comes along and she walks in, wearing my favorite shirt she has looking amazing, as usual. She sits down and I notice something. She normally wears clothes the right way (no skin showing anywhere) but this shirt she wears has new reason to be my favorite. When she leans over there's that little bit of skin right above her jeans that show. I about died. I really thing that this is getting a little out of hand.
After school, Aly and I go to Mr. Hach's room to ask him to go look at our fabulous prom decorations. I told him that he HAS to go or else... and he looks at me over his glasses with a huge smile on his face and goes "Or else you'll what?"
It was my first awkward encounter with Kyle. And it was amazing.

that is all.
I'm hanging in there, for anyone who would like to know. Prom decorations are over, prom's this weekend so I'll have time to write again. Dont everyone get too excited.

Shiiiiit

2008-03-13T21:22:00.001-05:00

Sorry to anyone who reads this... lack of posts (over a month!)

But I really dont have much to say... prom stuff up the ass right now SO it will probably be another month.

kthnxbye

I hate it

2008-02-10T20:43:00.001-06:00

when my fingernails feel heavy

2008-01-22T22:43:00.000-06:00

I miss Heath Ledger.

Gone for now

2008-01-03T23:31:00.000-06:00

doesn't really matter since no one reads it anyway

I'll come back when I feel like it.

I dont want to talk about it

2007-12-25T14:34:00.001-06:00

It's not fair.

I hate today.

2007-12-23T01:04:00.000-06:00

there are moments when I dont remember what's happened before now. moments when I'm not weighed down by all those things that keep me from smiling. moments like this one when I remember all these moments I've shared with you. moments like now when I realize how much of myself I've found along the way.

in this moment I feel utterly disgusting. and I know you're the only one who understands what that means.

and I love it.

Seduction

2007-12-20T16:50:00.001-06:00

We've come up with this theory as to why we were moved from the table we were sitting at, why we are placed the way we are now, and just a whole lot of ridiculousness surrounding our art teacher, Mr. Hach.

Here's the story:
Mr. Hach is a 27 year old bachelor who teaches art in our high school. He lives alone with his two dogs and coaches boys' basketball. He is tall, has a deep voice, and is attractive for a man. Aly and Aly tried to decipher whether or not he was gay last year, with little results. They also decided that he would marry both of them as they became of age.
This year, when I arrived, I was quickly picked up by first one Aly and then the other, forming an almost inseparable group of A's. We sat at a table, joined by Alicia, and were told on an almost daily basis to be quieter. Many threats of seating charts came our way until one day, when Mr. Hach was rather sassy, we got one. Aly was moved to the table under the clock, all the way across the room from Aly and I. I was at the same table we had all originally been at, only moved across it to where Alicia sat. Aly was at the orange table behind me, close enough to carry on a conversation with her. Why were we placed like this? Was it because Mr. Hach (we'll call him Kyle) knew of Aly and I's romantic involvement? That had something to do with it.
It all started when I began developing my rolls of film for photography, consisting mostly of Aly. He'd ask me to make him a copy of the ones he liked. This was clue number one.
Then the seating chart. He kept Aly and I close enough to continue to talk, and coincidentally, the closest to his desk that we could be in the room. Aly was facing his desk, of course, simply because he likes her better. He'd hear of us stalking him every weekend, hear what we'd do when we returned to whomever house we were staying at that weekend, and hear about all the other trivial things we talked about. It had to be nonchalant though, and boy was it.
Aly and I would look for things to give him away, and we began to notice certain glances he'd give us, things he'd say to be subtle but get the point across. One of our most popular theories was that he had taken my two rolls of film one afternoon and made all of the prints to hang on his wall at home. All of the pictures of Aly, that is.
We eventually came to the conclusion that we would get propositioned eventually. At the first basketball game we attended, simply to watch Kyle get out of line like he was rumored to do, I told a very elaborate story about what would happen during this proposition and the effect it would have on our lives. It took the entire second half of the girls' game that was before the boys' game. Our eyes never left Kyle as I told the story.
Today, we arrived at school, having informed him that we would be staying after school to work on our clay busts we're creating in sculpture. We also arrived looking equally seductive, in hopes that the proposition day would be today. After sitting in his class room for nearly two hours, he finally told us that he was ready to go home and that we couldnt work anymore. Both of us were slightly distraught that the forecast for awkwardness hadnt come true but did in no way shake our firm beliefs that Mr. Hach, art teacher extraordinaire, has an über pedophilictic crush on Aly and I.

Oh, and Aly? She's across the room because he plans on actually marrying her. But wants to keep it a secret because she's sixteen. He just wants an escapade with Aly and I.

Insecurities.

2007-12-10T17:18:00.000-06:00

The past two weekends were nothing but pure bliss and terror at the time to come when I find myself alone again. I become too used to the feeling of someone in bed with me. The first weekend, 44 and a half hours; this last, 47 hours. All together, it's nearly four straight days of not being alone. And it was wonderful.
We find that after the initial happening of falling for someone, there's a sort of downfall where you realize that you cannot be as amazing as they thought you could be. And you start to realize that with little things they do, an absence of constant happiness.
It's very distressing that I cannot be everything she needs, that I cannot be that one thing that will fix everything. That I cannot keep her safe, happy, healthy. Watching her be sad or feel less than perfect health wise really bothers me to the point of anger. Anger at myself for not being able to be some superhuman form that can take it all away.
And then, the most recent and most terrible of it all. It terrifies me. Scares me to death because I have no idea how to help, and have the idea that there is little I can do to help. There's an overwhelming want, need, to do everything in my power for her. Lay myself, my needs, aside to keep her perfect.

She is so beautiful. She gives herself so much less credit than she deserves and I have no idea how to show her just how much she means to me. No idea how to show her how wonderful she really is. No idea how to convince her, to make her see it. But then again, can it ever really be done? I doubt it. And that sad fact makes me so angry sometimes.

There's lots swimming around in my head. Too many thoughts and not enough time. Not enough time to sleep, to create, to spend time doing the things I want to do. School, work, the needs of families. It's all so unfortunate, my age, my inability to do the things I want to do. But I'm so scared of the future. Scared I'll fail to make my dreams come true. Scared that this future I've been waiting for, dreaming of, for all of my life will be something completely different. I cannot fail at this. This is the only thing that's kept me going, the knowledge that one day I can have everything I've always wanted. And just lately it's seemed like it could come true. But what happens if I cant do it? Cant keep myself happy, those I love happy, cant make the money I want to make, cant go the places I want to go? What happens then?

So scared of what happens next. So scared that I am not enough.

A Grand Adventure (that almost made me puke)

2007-11-25T20:57:00.000-06:00

So it's quite a joyous occasion when you find someone who shares your interests. Especially when your interests are as off the wall as mine.

Aly and I were watching Tony in his music video via Youtube when we got the idea to go stalk him (see sharing interests, we're creepy like that). So we look up his address and then gallivant off to find his house. We find it and see him in his home eating dinner. Do you find us awkward? Well, it gets better. We then proceed to stalk our art teacher, which is basically a weekend ritual for us. We found it rather scandalous that he wasnt home considering it was eight o'clock on a school night. We then decide to stalk Kurt which takes some time because Aly couldnt remember where his house was. She then drove us to Platt Park, which was terrifying considering the legends beholden there. That gives us the idea to go to Neon Road to see if the ghosts would move the car tonight. We cut through the school parking lot, and who's car do we see? The Art Teacher. As we drive past, I vocalize the idea of knocking on the window to say hello. She says yes, but I have to do it because she's far too scared to do it. Probably because of a long standing idolization and crush on said teacher. She parked over by the dumpsters, about twenty yards away. I snuck over to the window and peered in to see if he was there. Sure enough, he was at his computer. I knocked on the window three times and smiled and waved. I never actually meant to scare him but that's precisely what I did. And it was beautiful. He flailed around in his chair and distinctly said "Jesus Christ!" I immediately dropped to the frozen ground, laughing so hard that I thought I was going to puke as Aly begins to drive off. She came back, of course, gathering me up while I tried to explain what had happened through the hysterics I was in.
We traveled out to Neon Road but it didn't work, and as we were coming back home we decided to leave a note under his windshield wiper apologizing for scaring him. We never got to leave the note because as we were driving back to my home, we passed his car, only recognizable by the license plate number that Aly had memorized.

She is beautiful.

Art Room Conversations.

2007-11-20T18:44:00.000-06:00

"I'd get shampoo, conditioner, AND body wash in my eyes, too, if I were listening to Enrique Iglesias in the shower. I'd put the whole bottle of shampoo in my eyes."
"What would you do if I bought you tickets to a joint concert with Clay Aiken and Enrique Iglesias?"
"I'd sell them for as much money as possible. No, I'd pay someone to take the tickets from me."

"Do you happen to have a leopard print jogging suit?"
"No, I just donated it to Goodwill last week"
"We should go buy it."
"It was probably a hot item, they probably put it in the window and it's got to be gone by now"

"Did you have a good weekend?"
"It was fine."
"Was it as good as Aly's weekend?!"
"Considering I don't know how good Aly's weekend was, I couldn't tell you if it was as good or not"
"I guarantee your weekend was not as good as Aly's."

Key:
Mr. Hach
Aly
Me

More Zombies

2007-11-19T17:30:00.000-06:00

Uuuugn, Brains!

I find it slightly entertaining that there are shoes made for not walking and undergarments made solely for taking off.

We live in a time where there is no romance between people joined in marriage and children having sex. Where televisions and computers have undoubtedly taken over the world and most are ruled by the images in the media. We worship gods of sound, vision, and words. And lord, I have never lived so lovely in all my life. Give me more glorious things to look at, more useless objects to blow wealth on. We live in a material world, and I wont deny I'm a material girl. Dear, dear precious seller, I am but a consumer and I will not refuse you.

huh?.

Letters To Heather: The Final Entry

2007-11-14T20:36:00.000-06:00

My initial plan was to sleep my way through whichever girls would sleep with me, enjoying their company but never getting attached. To keep myself occupied for another long year till my future could begin. But you fell away, calls becoming less frequent, my hopes dwindling to near nothing. My emotions were fried, my heart strings: severed. I had nothing left to give.
And so a harsh realization began to play in front of my eyes. I watched those months, I watched myself all those times I cried; like an old home movie where you cant believe that's you. And I began to feel pain. Pain I never let myself feel when I was with you because I was so determined to make you believe you were perfect for me because that's what I honestly believed.
You let me go, early one morning in September and I thought my world had ended. But my days kept passing and I kept breathing. And slowly I began to let go. Not because I wanted to, but because I had nothing left to hold on with. With letting go, I began to smile again. I went out, I had fun, and I went to sleep at night. I still get angry, I still hurt. I talk out loud the things I'd never tell you or anyone else about what I felt when I was with you, mostly right there at the end. How I felt abandoned. I only mentioned, for the first time, today how much it hurt for you to not be online that first day of school.
It started as something innocent. I couldn't handle anything remotely close to serious. Not after the last time. But after some time, your biggest fear came true.
I wake up in the morning, I go through my day, I come home at night and I don't feel sad. I don't think about you. And as much as I know this is hurting you, I am still going to say it.
You were a chapter of my life. A chapter I wont, I cannot forget. I never forget. It was amazing, terrible, trying, crying, heart breaking, hands shaking, first time, withdrawal, growing, knowing, and above all Love.
I wont forget you. I'll think of you when I pass through that city. When I hear those songs that was the soundtrack to that summer, that fall, that winter, spring, and the summer when it all exploded before my eyes. I'll credit you for the strength I've gained, and for showing me what love can really feel like.
I'll move on, just as I have already, move away from here, make a life I've always dreamed of. Maybe one day I'll see you somewhere, if you ask me if I remember...

I'll tell you you're crazy for even thinking that I wouldn't.

Feti

2007-11-12T22:35:00.000-06:00

http://madbatball.deviantart.com/art/Recycled-Abortion-Cake-30274910
http://illusi0nz.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-6702931
http://tifachan.deviantart.com/art/abortion-bucket-69066663
http://zombielily.deviantart.com/art/Floating-Abortion-60468007
http://fetalgarden.deviantart.com/art/Symbol-of-Abortion-23680962
http://mizu1.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-By-Coat-hanger-Fetus-53477408
http://assbanger.deviantart.com/art/The-Art-Of-Abortion-38514647

I've become very much myself as of late. Probably something to do with this girl.

but who doesnt love genocide?

2007-11-11T23:08:00.000-06:00

I like to sprinkle it on top of my aborted fetus cereal I eat before I go decapitate hookers and use their blood to paint graffiti on old women's houses to give them a heart attack so I can jump on their dead bodies because really, they are far more bouncy than trampolines

Uhm... what?

General Wearing Out Processes

2007-11-04T16:36:00.000-06:00

Autobots. Axe Murderers. Inadequacy. Delirium. Melancholy. and ghosties moving the car.

a full twenty nine hours of nonloneliness.

today was too busy and passed too quickly but not quickly enough. I'm so restless.
I got a job. Yuck.

Mother Mother = a very refreshing and happy find.

I need monies. Cash Money. And a good book to read. And some time to finish all these paintings. Maybe I should do that right now...

Halloween was spectacular.

Zombie Lovers and Batman.

2007-10-31T06:46:00.000-05:00

IT'S HERE! Halloween, possibly the best day of the year. Totally pwns Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, The Fourth of July, AND my birthday.

Going to school as a zombie.
Going to school to see Batman.
Then leaving afterwards to see Batman transform into a zombie.
We're off after that to go wreak havoc on this town.

soooo excited.

Happy Halloween!

In the Halloween Spirit

2007-10-29T20:50:00.000-05:00

I present to you a parade of Zombies.

Mostly because that's what I'll be this year. Complete with an "I Heart Brains" tank top. It depicts a severed eyeball and a human heart across the chest and a brain below that with an apostrophe s after it (Not correct grammar... but zombies dont have to.)
On the back it will say

There will be a picture story of Wednesday's bloody events. I promise. Until then, here are some lovely links to tide you over:

OH EM GEE!
And Another
Zombie Secks
Zombie-Like Heart Stealing Cat
what the zombies are like in Australia
*extreme laughter*
I Want
inside joke. what her netherregions would be if she were a zombie
Pretty much great.
Hello Zombie

enjoy (:

I'm wide awake and so alive.

2007-10-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

I traveled back to the place where I grew up, visiting dear friends whom I have been missing like mad. Driving through the small towns, I felt as if I'd never left as I settled back into the mindset that was in place while I was there. There were only a few times I noticed that I had been absent, only when they started talking about recent events, all of which I had missed out on. This morning as I was coming back, I felt the change that has come over me from the changes my life has presented. I feel like a different person here than I do there and the switching over this weekend made it painfully apparent. Just as I miss being there when I'm here, when I was there I missed the feelings of being here. One feeling in particular. But we'll leave that to be speculated.

I have a theory that my bites/rash that is on my feet, legs, and torso are caused not by some pathogen invading my system but by unknown stress that is slowly making it's way out. Studies have shown how stress tears apart the body and I wonder if that's what this could be. There's so much on my mind all the time and there are few people that I can talk to that I feel like actually listen to what I'm saying. Few being probably one. And I don't want to subject her to this. Lord, when I think of the therapy I'll be in when I'm older to reverse all this damage I've already done, all this damage I will continue to do. Is it sick that I know I'm doing it while it's happening?

I sense a tinge of melancholy throughout this writing but really it's not there. Do you hear it? There is no melancholy in my bones, no sorrow in my tissues. I am content to nearly the most content I've ever been. And I am utterly exhausted from the events of the past six weeks.

Falling is very tiring and totally lovely.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

2007-10-22T18:36:00.000-05:00

Musical tastes. Clothing. Hair. Values. Focus. The things that are most important. My motives. My mind. My mood.

it's all changing

just like the leaves outside.

Photo Op.

2007-10-16T16:28:00.000-05:00

Upon the top of the world, I swear I've never seen anything more beautiful.
Brought back down to earth, my head was still spinning as I attempted to maneuver the vehicle in the direction of home.
"That was close" I couldn't help it. Pure luck that I didn't hit that car. But who honestly could blame me?
The grave yard and safe keeping, wildflowers, and speeding down wet gravel roads.

Let go, jump in, oh it's all amazing here.

Futuring.

2007-10-13T11:56:00.001-05:00

I do not feel creative. I do not feel like painting those paintings that are beckoning me to be done, what with seventeen days till they need to be done. Nine in total to be finished in that time. I do not feel much of anything, except the overwhelming want, need, to be on my own, providing for myself, simply because my parental unit is losing ability to provide for me. I need a job. I need to buy everything myself. I need my modeling fiasco to be true, to be prosperous, and soon. I need funds to get myself out of this house and on my own. Supporting myself and my loved ones, that family that has stayed by my side when everyone else have left. I need to find out who is my mother, who is my father. And find out why they never wanted me.
I dont feel ambitious. I do not have goals. I do not have any idea what I'd like to do with my life. I have no plan. I feel like I am failing.
I do not have a plan because I refuse to allow myself to make a plan in fear that it will once again be completely crushed. I want to get out of the house when I'm eighteen. But I have school to finish. And so I will. I need to know where the modeling will take me, though there is no finding that out. No way of knowing what will happen with that. I need a plan, a back up plan. Schooling. Art.
I need to major in art and create a life for myself. A well paying job. A career.
Art. That's what I'll do. Move to a city. Live in an apartment. Open a gallery, something that showcases all the artists. My own little corner. Seattle, Portland, maybe somewhere on the east coast. Work as a model. Work as an artist. Have nice things, a nice car. A beautiful apartment. A beautiful girlfriend/finance/wife. Eventually children, maybe. Vacations over seas. I want to see the world. Maybe I'll eventually move somewhere else. England maybe.
I want my life to begin. I want high school to be over. I want my future to begin to be my present. I want my dreams to come true.
And most of all, right now at this moment, I want the rest of this year to pass beautifully, with this girl I've come to know, have come to cherish.

...what am I doing?

2007-09-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

I'm annoyed.

With myself.

At how I'm behaving.

I don't understand how.

I can let your presence.

(or lack there of)

Matter so much to me.

I don't understand how.

I can be showing you so much.

When I promised myself that I'd be.

Very nonchalant.

I try sometimes.

When I can remember.

And yet here I.

Am.

Writing all this.

Where you could read it.

If you wanted to.

Just so you.

Know, I'm fighting.

Something I want so.

Badly.

But that doesn't mean.

I don't want it.

(you)

I just.

Really can't bring.

Myself to actually trust that.

I wont wind up exactly how.

I was last time.

I make bad.

Choices more times.

Than not.

And I.

Am scared.

This one could.

Really not be a.

Mistake.

Showing me that.

I'm not the failure I.

Thought I was.

So here I sit.

Waiting like normal.

Hoping you wont.

Read this.

And yet I keep writing.

I missed you today.

Even though I really didn't.

Want to.

Admit that.

I did.

Probably the thing.

That scares me.

Most.

Is I have no.

Idea what you.

Want from.

Me.

I'm terrified.

And utterly annoyed.

At how I'm handling.

(or not)

This.

Sleep. Or Lack Thereof.

2007-09-24T07:09:00.000-05:00

Thursday night was six hours.
Friday night was roughly eight, after burning every single calorie that I had consumed in the last week at the dance where I did not stop moving for nearly four hours.
Saturday night was three hours.
Last night, seven and one half hours.

If I'm going to bed at eight o'clock every night... like actually going to sleep... you KNOW there MUST be something wrong.
But if I'm staying up till ten, eleven, twelve o'clock... on school nights... you know that someone somewhere has got to be doing something right because I am HAPPY.

What does this tell you? Someone, somewhere is doing something right. Because I'm losing sleep.

and it's absolutely splendid.

The One You've All Been Waiting For

2007-09-22T12:37:00.000-05:00

So. I've had a request to actually update this. And so, I will.

We'll start way back in the beginning of the summer, just a quick review:
Summer began and ended far too quickly. Possibly because I was so busy painting and moving and painting some more. I talked on the phone to a certain someone too little and once she actually broke up with me. After two days of quite literal hell, we were back together. In retrospect, I should have paid attention to this. Maybe shouldn't have forced her to reconsider. We get up to the week before school starts and I meet some lovely girls via Facebook who will be going to my school. Then Shalee comes over and that night, my world takes it's second huge turn. (The first was yet another home shift) My mother tells me that she knows I went to see Heather, twice. And that I'm to have nothing to do with her. Needless to say I had a very long week. The weekend brought a house warming party where I got to meet Hannah and Hilary in person. They ended up staying along with Shalee and Heather V. School started that Tuesday, managing to multiply my hell exponentially. That weekend I went shopping with Hilary. A first in my book, first time to ever go shopping unattended by elders. Another week of school that wasn't as hellish as the first, but still nearly unbearable. I was meeting people, unable to remember names of but a few. I found a place to sit at my A lunch, but was still going to class twenty minutes earlier than I had to to avoid the same scenario during B lunch. That Wednesday, I got another change in my world, one that sent me crashing down. Heather broke up with me for the third time. I woke up in the middle of the night to find an email. I argued, of course, but soon came to my senses that this was the easiest thing for the both of us considering the circumstances. Somehow I got through the rest of the week. The weekend came and I went to a movie with Hannah. Labor Day weekend. My birthday was the following Friday. I began sitting with Aly at B lunch sometime in there. My birthday came and went, I got my license and went to my first football game here. Saturday Mam Seyer joined me at my humble abode and then we went to Hannah's house for movie night. Which turned out to be a surprise party for me. It was a lovely time, a good pick me up for what I was feeling. I think this is where I started to get myself into a sort of trouble. We'll visit that later. The next week at school was getting better, people knew me, spoke to me, I didn't feel so utterly alone. I was beginning to enjoy myself. This could be due to my ever deteriorating home life, but still. I was waking up in the morning excited to go to school. Friday brought on a Tim Burton Movie Night with Hilary. Which was a lovely time. The next day, I had to babysit. So I went on my quest to find the missing letter I was supposed to get from Heather a while ago. But what I found was not the Heather letter I was expecting. It was something else, yet another huge thing to change my world completely. A letter, finalizing my adoption. Home life got better very quickly, knowing that little bit of information, though the parental unit wont know that I know till I'm out of the house. Michael came to visit for the first time at my new home. And it was lovely. I received a new cellular calling device. Which is lovely as well. Complete with texting, ten dollars worth to be exact. Of which, after just a week, I have less than two dollars left. This is no fault of my own, though. I went on a mad couple of texting sprees with Aly this week. Using about 80 texts just on her. This past week has been the best yet, and I can finally say that I do not hate school. Though I did wind myself up more in my little trouble. Trouble being my crushes on Hilary and Aly. And feeling guilty about Heather because I am getting over it way too quickly than I believe I should. This week was Homecoming. Monday, I was Gerard Way. And I looked lovely. Tuesday was Pirate Day, and again, I looked lovely. Wednesday was Gender Bender Day, and I looked and smelled like a boy. Though it wasn't a big deal due to my little 'I'm going to be a boy because boys like girls and I like girls so I really should be a boy' phase. After school I went to Chinese with Aly, which was splendid to say the very least. First time on a four wheeler, which could be described the same way. My night ended too quickly. The next day was Character Day, which I showed up as myself, of course. But how could I not? That morning was the Meet The Candidates assembly. Which was dull. Except when Quincy showed off his ninja moves during musical chairs. I spent Thursday night awake. Talking on the interweb with Aly. Yes. She's showing up a lot. And if anyone's catching on... well I sort of already told you. See my little troubles thing. But minus the first name. Because I got THAT sorted out. The next day I was in an interesting haze, dressed up in purple and gold. The homecoming pep rally ended the day in the most lovely of ways. Now, THAT is a pep rally. During one of the cheers that the cheerleaders were doing, Aly managed to lose her balance, falling, taking me with her, landing on top of me. Which was a sight to see. I almost died from laughter. Aly got best dressed for Favorite Band Day, as she should have. She went as Bob Dylan, and looked lovely, as usual. After the pep rally, we went home, I ran back to school (when I say ran, I mean it.) and then walked back. I nearly died. Got ready for the game and the dance and at about six o'clock, there was a red car in my driveway. And when my sisters answered the door, there stood Aly, with a bag of food. Not just any bag of food. Chicken Tamales. My favorite food in the whole wide world. I could have died. But, it would have been a very lovely death indeed. So I ate, and finished getting ready. Somehow. Aly stayed. and was sitting on my bed the whole time. It was sort of a miracle that I finished all that. Even though there was no way I could eat all of my food and look absolutely amazing with her there. So I settled for most of my food and looking good. And we were off. And I didn't have to walk to school in the rain, which was lovely. Lovely is my prize adjective, now. As you can tell. The game was cold. Very cold. But I wouldn't have wanted to have been anywhere else. And if you don't know why, you must be a grade A retard, or something. The game ended and I walked frozen into the dance. It didn't take long to get thawed out and very shortly after people began to arrive, I was sweating more than a large hairy Nordic man in a sweat box. And that's not even an exaggeration. Gross, isn't it? I never actually stopped moving, dancing along side my friends. I haven't actually danced since eighth grade. There was a sort of tension all night, not the bad kind, just fighting for my attention. Which was awkward to a point, but thrilling as well. After hours of moving, people asking me if I was on drugs (which I wasn't... sort of scary... this is just how I am sober.) the dance ended and we retired to my house. My company left and I passed out sometime after two, waking up after 12:00 p.m. today. It's the latest I've slept in ages. But I used so much energy last night. The night before I got maybe six hours. The night before that I was up late. My nights aren't filled with as much sleep as they started to. Which is good because I sleep a lot only when I'm depressed. So no sleep means I'm happy. And I can feel it. Finally.

Anyone have any idea why?

enjoy the update. and if you have anything to say, feel free.

Neglect

2007-09-13T16:26:00.000-05:00

It has been literally months since I have done a proper update on my blog. For this, I apologize. Though it was not without reason. Things have changed very severely and rapidly for me and I have had a hard time adjusting. I have had no will to update more than a few short sentences, most of the time incoherent.

and you were excited with that introduction that this would be the entry in which I would update. That is what this was going to be, but I have lost my ambition. There will be one soon though, I promise.

birthdays.

2007-09-09T13:06:00.000-05:00

Hannah and Hilary threw me a surprise birthday party last night. I got three hours of sleep. I'm pretty much dead right at the moment.

So many things I wanted... none of which I have received as of yet.

And I would have killed to have had Heather there.
It's not getting any easier, but it's not getting any worse.

2007-09-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

my birthday is in six days.

I wont get what I want.

I aint got much left, now.

I wanna wake up where you are

2007-08-26T20:50:00.000-05:00

I have to take this one day at a time. There's no tomorrow, just get through today. Hope for the future, long for the past, mourn for the state I'm in now.
But these days are so hard to get through without you here.
without the support of my friends.
getting up everyday to go to a place where I am absolutely no one and in turn, am not cared about, not worried about, not asked about when I'm crying walking down the hall.
I wanna wake up where you are. I wont say anything.

But one day at a time.
just one.

2007-08-13T23:04:00.001-05:00

Revising previous plan, new devious plan.
it's a lovely thing to watch my skin, fingernails biting crescents into, turn to snake.
we'll fake this happiness for too long, losing our hope in the process.
I now understand why we haven't heard from my sister in almost eight years.

never saw it coming. I was so perfect. But being perfect comes with a price; something like mental defect.

yeah, well. I am not at fault. They will come to see that. Neither is she. It's closed mindedness that causes families

to be ripped

a p a r t

2007-08-13T18:06:00.000-05:00

anger.

I'm building walls.
keeping everything out.
and all this damned anger in.

never thought it would get this bad.

To whom it concerns:

2007-08-12T12:35:00.000-05:00

I've lost my feeling. I've become a sort of numb. Save these moments when I'm entirely melancholy, unable to do anything but sit and stare at nothing.
I'm not sure if I still have the ability to smile.
I'm trying to be strong, to not let it show. But misery has this way of eating away at nearly everything it touches. Can you tell how broken I am?
A worser fate than having no solution to this, I have an antidote. Like a cure to a sickness that you cannot afford. Dangling just beyond my reach is salvation, forcing me to sit here and waste away till that day I find courage and strength enough dislocate my arm and finally be able to stretch across those last few millimeters. A lovely way to picture it.
To whom it may concern, I've yet to have a happy day in the past five months. A content day, without remorse, worse: regret. Longing and heartache are companions of a terrible sort, never leaving my side. I am left to dream about the day when they will be replaced by the joy she brings. I stare into the mirror, wondering where I've gone. Laying in bed before I sleep, I realize I'm with her.
Perhaps this is why my body feels so vacant.

I'll climb on top and I wont stop till I make you forget who you are

2007-08-10T18:01:00.000-05:00

School schedules today.

the book came out last tuesday; CexCells this tuesday.

I feel very different at this house. I dont really know where I've gone. I'm just not here... I am void of emotion, save those moments I get so angry I could kill something.

School in ten days

birthday in 27.

damn it, where's my money?

Moving and Old New Beginnings

2007-07-09T19:51:00.000-05:00

Got word today that the closing on the house will be this week, when it closes, we'll be moving. But first, the painting which consists of painting my room and bathroom and then painting the mural that I plan for it. It should be fun.

As for Old New Beginnings, tonight is also an anniversary of sorts. A year ago tonight, eight-ish, very soon, is when I started falling, none of the 'I think I could', no. I started falling for her after knowing her for just a little over twenty four hours. Look where it's gotten me... A life that I love, a reason to live that life to the fullest, plans and dreams for my future, a determination to get the things I want, and the knowledge of what those things are. I was told to be more careful with it, don't fall so fast, don't get caught up in her so quickly; maybe they were right, but what I have now, because of the absence of the normal hesitance that I possess, is wonderful. I began living my life a year ago, she gave me the courage to do it. Even though I didn't even know who she was. Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it. (Yes, those are lyrics. But I thought they fitted right there)

So cheers to: love, luck, stupidity, insanity, taking chances, trust, and remembering.

Full Circle

2007-07-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

Here we are again. A day, a weekend, three hundred and sixty five days after my life began.
Something crazy happened today, altering perceptions, giving new meaning to perfection. It's been one hell of a ride.
Today, a year ago, I met her. Walked with her in the stifling heat to Starbucks. Laughed myself to near unconsciousness and thought I'd die at just the sight of her.
A year ago today... I never would have seen this coming, this journey I've started. Never would have began to dream that I could feel this much, couldn't fathom the idea that someone so far away could make me this happy (without even being here).
I'll save you my monthly recap of that weekend, I'm attempting to write that novel I promised her. I'll link the blog where I'm working to this one.
But today, tonight, tomorrow: I pause to take these moments in, where I'm swept away in memories so dear to me. Stories I've told over and over in hopes to somehow immortalize. I'll never know if the world will know of it, and all that matters is that I know it, I remember.

Biiiiiiisaaaaay

2007-07-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the recent lack of posting but I've been busy/not in the mood... the last three days have been hectic for me. But the good kind. I'm actually doing stuff.

Friday I went shopping, Friday night Keri came over, Saturday I went to a party and crashed at Shalee's and I got home at eleven this morning, was home for an hour, went and mowed the yard at the other house, had a picnic and just got home.

I love having things to do.

And this is a shitty entry. But oh well. There's nothing you can do about it.

Happy July!

anyone up for some hooking?

2007-06-20T01:07:00.000-05:00

Hooker!

click it, you know you wanna

wanna fanta?

Letters to Heather- A new Chapter

2007-06-19T11:56:00.000-05:00

Heather,
I'm angry. And sad. and upset and depressed and thoroughly drunk.
I'm angry because I'm so sad. Because I gave in and got myself smashed at nine thirty in the morning. I'm angry because under no circumstances am I going to be able to get over this quickly. I'm angry that I'm so in love with you and you wont let me be with you. I'm angry that I wake up every morning, cursing the sunlight and the beautiful day because I honestly dont give a fuck anymore.
I'm sad. Because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
I'm upset because somehow that fits in somewhere. And I'm too god damned lazy to explain why.
I'm depressed because you're everything to me and you want to take it away.
and everyone has Deja vu.
No. I'm kidding. I just wrote the same thing.
and I'm thoroughly drunk because I was shooting whiskey this morning. Because I needed to not hate today. But I still do. So it's a lost cause.
The sky outside is too blue and for some reason the tree was just orange. Those colors are you. and I hate it outside.
I just want you to talk to me
want you to stop ignoring me
and I'm tired of punctuation.
For some reason I use the ellipsis too much when I write to you.

You told me you felt like you should be taking it back. We're meant to be together. and you raised my hopes for a while but now it's just back to waiting and hating everything... even though I dont. I still love you. Just like I always will. Even if it ruins me.

This is too much. I should stop. Go paint and shit. I shouldnt write to you when I'm like this.

I love you.

there's nothing.

2007-06-17T19:20:00.000-05:00

you're not going to hear from me for a while.

my world just collapsed.

Letters to Heather part whichever

2007-06-15T10:10:00.000-05:00

I understand why you go out every night. I know that it's to stay busy so everything isnt so... there. I know the drugs, the alcohol, is to block everything out because that's the only thing you can think of to make it all go away. And I understand why you'd do it.
But at the same time, while I'm sitting here almost GLAD you do it, because at least you're getting some relief, I want you to stop. I want you to come home and talk to me for hours. But I know... I know it hurts to do that because then it's right there, ripping out our insides, shoving it in our faces that this is the only way we can 'be together'. But as much as it hurts, I want it. Because it's one hell of a lot better than sitting in my room everynight debating upon whether or not to call you. Because I know, I KNOW that when I do, you'll be busy and you'll tell me you'll call back and I'll feel terrible because you dont have time for me and I know you're not going to call back. So I lay in my bed for the rest of the night, no being able to MOVE because the sadness is so strong that it hurts to do anything but lay there and cry.
It's the summer time. It feels JUSt like last summer , when I was falling in love with you. When I had my hopes set on so many things. I convinced myself that by that time next year, everything would be alright. Everything would be better. But here we are, and everything's the exact same. And it makes me feel terrible. This keeps me in bed in the morning, laying there attempting to feel nothing while I'm feeling everything. Every little thing... I feel every dust particle floating in the air, gracing my body. I feel every dead skin cell I shed fall onto the dirty sheets I'm laying on. I can feel the emptiness of the bed, my house, all those miles between us and I know that there is nothing I can do about it. So I lay there, no will to do anything.
I want to see you so badly. But I know when I do, it will be blissful every second I'm with you but as soon as you're gone I'll go back to this, and I'll have to wait in uncertainty, not knowing when I'll feel that relief again. No one can make me feel better anymore. No one but you. And you go out every night, searching for that relief. Are you finding it? Oh, if you're not, just please go home, go home and call me. Call me and close your eyes and I'll be right there. I'll cry to know I'm really not, but pretending is the closest I can get right now.
This summertime is ripping me apart from the inside out. I cant eat or sleep. I want to cry and I do. I have to fake that I'm happy. But every minute that passes is harder to get through than the last and I have no idea how much more of this I can take.

Please come home tonight. Please lay by my side and hold me. Tell me that it's going to be alright because I really cant believe it anymore.